When I was getting ready to write my first recap of I Love New York 2, I thought about how New York would handle a similar situation. Say she had a party to attend. Of course she'd show up fashionably late, swooping in to demand attention at the last possible second, right? Since my ultimate goal in life is to be a little bit more like Tiffany "New York" Patterson, I figured I'd go with the same method. What better way to celebrate the start of the second season than with a tribute to the queen herself!
A delightfully creepy voiceover starts off our jam-packed premiere, explaining that a group of men have gathered outside a Hollywood mansion with one thing in common. Robbing it? No, their love for one special lady: New York. Cut to a bejeweled New York, massaging her ashy legs and lighting up a smoke. Before you cream your jeans, let me take it one step further - she's doing this atop a bearskin rug. Doesn't get any better, am I right?
Sexy is as sexy does.
She reads off a cue card to inform us that she hasn't always been lucky in love. I can't see why, because I've always found my big tattooed titties to be a huge aid in the romance department, but different strokes for different folks! She meets with Dr. Pat Allen, who's subtitled as a "Couple's Counselor." Oh VH1, you are high budge indeed. Dr. Pat asks New York when she started having relationship problems, and she replies, "When I went to a casting call and picked up this persona, along with this other black woman they cast as my mama." No, she actually says it started two years ago, which I'm so sure is true. Before that she was so romantically inclined, hence why she tried to hook up with Flava Flav, of all people.
Bachelor of the year!
New York explains she was dating this rapper, but he chose another woman. Being the kind-hearted soul that she is, she gave him another chance and "let him give." Most people would find it uncomfortable to explain they let Flava Flav go down on them, but not New York! In the end, Flav picked another woman, and in New York's words, this one had a great big ass and a shit-stained eye. By the way, this is the most amazing moment of my life, ever. I wish she'd mentioned Deelishis's revolting mole clusters, too. I've heard they're considered scars, but you know what else they're considered? Gross.
After Flav dumped her ass, the network gave her a chance to find love and wacky hijinks ensued. New York was shocked to find out they get a lot of nuts in those casting places! Hey Kettle, this is Pot: you're black! Luckily she found an amazing guy, and she gloats about how he proposed to her. Apparently she's blocked out the part where she tried to swallow the ring in shame, but oh wells. Ain't no thing but a chicken wing because he broke her heart on the reunion show anyway. Now poor NY has to start from square one.
Dr. Pat says New York needs to find a man that fits her terms, which seems like an accurate assessment. My biggest problem with New York is that she's always been a pushover, so I'd really like to see her show some confidence this season. New York decides to do things her way, and this time she's going to find a man, even if it kills her ass!
It may not kill her ass, but could it deflate her breasts?
It's time to meet this season's candidates! An immediate favorite is a gentleman who preaches about his love for New York while wearing a pink t-shirt and sweater set. Who can blame him for his feelings? "She got, like, big ass titties. I like that weave that she wear on her head. I like them eyelashes she wear," sayeth this contender. He's going for the right things here. He may not be able to buy her love, but for the right amount of money, he could definitely buy all her parts.
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Comments (16)
Bailey!!! Awesome recap!! When i read a really funny, great recap, i will say Great recap!!! But this gem, this piece of art isnt good, it isnt great, IT.IS.A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!! Hello kettle, this is pot/sadcakes/golden shower/
too many great lines!! You definitely made my day, this show is so craptastic, but the recap......unlike the teeth of several guys lovin new york.........pure gold:)
1 of 16 | Posted by lloyd dobbler | Posted on October 15, 2007 3:37 AM
Great recap, Bailey! Glad to know that I wasn't the only one transfixed on NY's boobs about to pop out of that corset. I swear I saw pixilation at one point.
Wonder when Sister Patterson is going to get her own dating show? The way she was crawling over Champion... I think momma needs in on some loving too.
2 of 16 | Posted by roadtripper8 | Posted on October 15, 2007 8:41 AM
I found the show absolutely unwatchable, but your recap made me interested again. Thanks for the great job! I don't know if I'm going to watch myself, but I'll definitely be following your updates.
And what happened to New York's dad? Wasn't Sister married last season?
3 of 16 | Posted by lickitysplit | Posted on October 15, 2007 9:17 AM
Good memory you have there, lickitysplit. I forgot all about Brother Patterson. But, apparently, so did Sister Patterson :-P
4 of 16 | Posted by roadtripper8 | Posted on October 15, 2007 9:29 AM
Bailey Quarters! I've been waiting for you to recap a show I watch since Shaq's Big Challenge ended... you are hilariously politically incorrect and I'm SO glad you have better material to work with this time around. Awesome recap!
Anyhow.. I'm really rooting for IT. That guy has me cracking upppp every time he's on the screen.
5 of 16 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on October 15, 2007 1:37 PM
I'm finally getting caught up on all the recaps I have missed, and I just wanted to let you know this recap was amazing. I was laughing the whole way through. Can't wait for the next one!
6 of 16 | Posted by dmbislove | Posted on October 16, 2007 2:33 PM
You said: "Hey Kettle, this is Pot: you're black!"
I say: "That's hilarious."
7 of 16 | Posted by iigenericii | Posted on October 16, 2007 5:15 PM
Thanks so much for all the nice comments, guys!! Hopefully some real jerks will come out of the woodwork in coming weeks - on the show, I mean. Not here, that would be sad panda.
shia, I haven't really picked out who I'm rooting for yet, but It is definitely fantastic! He's amazingly shameless, of course you've gotta love that.
8 of 16 | Posted by BaileyQuarters | Posted on October 16, 2007 5:35 PM
Great recap!! So glad you picked it up. I had a Midget Mac encounter Sunday night- I live in his hometown. Lets just say he is very frisky with those tiny little hands of his. He was very drunk and he had to let me know over and over that he has alot of money and he fucked way badder hoes than me. Like New York maybe??? I don't know- if she fucked Flav anything is on the table.
9 of 16 | Posted by ny2duval | Posted on October 16, 2007 6:40 PM
Holy crap, ny2duval, that's the best story ever!! Thank you for sharing! That should just be the whole recap for the new episode, it delights me that much. I just hunted to see how he could've made so much money, and his Myspace says he's a proud parent. That makes me uncomfortable somehow.
10 of 16 | Posted by BaileyQuarters | Posted on October 16, 2007 7:47 PM
The sad thing is I was so hyped about meeting him- I got a bad camera phone picture and everything. Then he ended up cursing me out. Now I am from NY and I normally have no problems cursing anybody out- but for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to curse out Midget Mac- I just kept agreeing with everything he said. But when he left he let me know it was "all love". So I guess I am back on Team M&M. Side note- he didn't talk in the third person at all so I wonder if thats something they have him do for the show.
11 of 16 | Posted by ny2duval | Posted on October 17, 2007 2:54 PM
The sad thing is I was so hyped about meeting him- I got a bad camera phone picture and everything. Then he ended up cursing me out. Now I am from NY and I normally have no problems cursing anybody out- but for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to curse out Midget Mac- I just kept agreeing with everything he said. But when he left he let me know it was "all love". So I guess I am back on Team M&M. Side note- he didn't talk in the third person at all so I wonder if thats something they have him do for the show.
12 of 16 | Posted by ny2duval | Posted on October 17, 2007 3:01 PM
New York's puppies were definitely ready to crawl out of her top. I wonder what kind of luck she'll have this season. These guys seem like a pack of duds, even more so than the first season.
Also, I'd have to say though that Sister Patterson is a hypocrite, like Onix said last season. What kind of a "preacher woman" lets her child openly cuss people out in front of her, says nothing when she wears dresses that are literally 2 seconds away from a waldrobe malfunction, and then lets her daughter talk about sex to her face? She's obviously not too convincing in the church. I also heard that her and New York's dad were never married, but it was on wikipedia so it's not confirmable.
Ohhh and ny2duval, do you live in Jacksonville, FL now? Is that where Midget Mac is from, because I used to live there before I moved to college. If so, that's hilarious!
13 of 16 | Posted by hollabackboy | Posted on October 17, 2007 3:32 PM
"Seriously, what would be better than a dwarf giving New York a golden shower? If you can name something more awesome, I'll have no choice but to give you $5."
What would be more awesome is a dwarf giving Sister Patterson a golden shower, New York joins in, and then said dwarf runs off with New York into the reality show sunset (a poster with a drawing of a sunset). I'd like my $5 in singles, please.
14 of 16 | Posted by BlahBlah | Posted on October 18, 2007 7:40 PM
Yes hollabackboy I'm in Jacksonville, FL. If you notice Midget Mac always has a hat on that says D.C.R which stands for "Duval County Rockstars" thats the group that he is the hype man for- kind of like Joey C with Kid Rock
15 of 16 | Posted by ny2duval | Posted on October 21, 2007 10:50 AM
hahah. Wow, that's SO weird. Wouldn't even have guessed he was from Jacksonville. I've never even heard of that group though. Do they do local shows or somethin?
16 of 16 | Posted by hollabackboy | Posted on October 21, 2007 7:31 PM