***Note from the Editor: Please welcome our newest recapper, the hilarious, the gorgeous, FOZZIEBARE!!
The new season of I Wanna Be a Soap Star has shot out of the gate like a big, gay bull. Sure, this Soapnet series doesn't have the same following as American Idol, or the media attention of Big Brother, but that doesn't mean it's not just as riveting and entertaining. We already have a closet-case deacon, a ghost-chasing Asian, and a backstabbing Muppet with a mean streak. I'm not trying to over-hype it, but if you're not watching this show, you are missing the best show in the history of the world ever! Intrigued? Please read on.
"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."
After the initial casting special, the chosen five men and five women are brought before our illustrious panel of experts. Staple judge Michael Bruno is back and trying to look harsher and meaner than in years past, complete with a ponytail and a permascowl. I believe he actually thinks that he is the villain of this show, so much so that next season he'll probably come back with an eye patch and a leather jacket.
New judge Hogan Sheffer is the head writer for Days of Our Lives, and there to assure that they don't cast a fatty or a Jew. Meanwhile, Hogan looks like the Swedish Chef after a shave. The Paula Abdul of this season is veteran Days of Our Lives actress Mary Beth Evans, who played Kayla of "Patch and Kayla" fame. So far, Mary Beth has not done anything to give me cause to mock her. You're playing a dangerous game, Mary Beth. A very dangerous game.
As the contestants stand before the judges, they are instructed to turn to the person next to them and give them the hottest, steamiest, soap kiss they can muster. Of course the contestants are standing in grade school boy-girl-boy-girl formation, much to my, and at least one contestants, chagrin. While we're on the topic, why don't they do this make-out challenge in lieu of a hello on American Idol or Top Chef, or at my office's new-hire orientation, for that matter? A good uvula swab is a great way to introduce oneself to a stranger. I'm going to start this trend. Anyway, the kissing couples are then given their first scene, succinctly titled, "Two lovers meet for a romantic interlude but one of them has a secret."
The first couple is Corey and Patricia, and I can almost guarantee you that Corey has a secret. From his introduction video the previous week, we learned that he was a deacon in his church, a self-proclaimed Momma's boy, loves to roller skate, and just doesn't have the time for a relationship right now; which all adds up to ragingly gay. I honestly don't think Corey realizes this yet and has convinced himself that he actually buys Men's Health for the articles.
The rehearsal process between these two is awkward at best, especially considering Corey literally gags a couple times before going in for a kiss. Patricia, a cat-eyed vixen who could be any age from 22 to 59 (with a little work done), is patient as Corey repeatedly forgets his lines. She states that she feels good about the upcoming scene since she's a professional and Corey's a professional, right before we cut to a scene where he blows another line and she gently asks him if he had time to go over the script again. During the actual scene before the judges, things go fairly well until Corey again forgets a line and just freezes, holding Patricia's hand as she stares at him with those big, creepy cat eyes, waiting for her cue. After what seems like an eternity, Corey makes up something and they almost get back on track.
The judges are not kind. They tell Corey that he's a good actor and has a great voice but that his bird legs are laughable, and Patricia is beautiful but boring. They then ask which one of them forgot their line and Patricia sells out Corey so fast you'd think they had a car battery hooked up to her nipples. Corey later says in an interview, while self consciously tucking his licorice whip legs under his sweater in a fetal position, that he was not happy about her betrayal, but as the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, cum on me. I mean shame on gay. I mean gay sex. I mean Usher. Why am I talking!?"
Corey, just do what I did when I'd kiss my last boyfriend: Close your eyes and think about Denzel.
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Comments (6)
Congrats on your new recapping gig, Fozz! I hope this won't interefere with your BB watching/obsessing too much.
Very funny recap, I wish I got the Soapnet channel so I could see these "thespians" in action. And where can I buy that hair that is spun by the finest spiders in Middle Earth?
1 of 6 | Posted by angiemarie
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Posted on September 2, 2007 8:10 AM
Fozz, you had me at "big, gay bull". Charter took Soapnet away from me about two years and life hasn't been the same since. I loved me some IWBASS, as well as my beloved DOOL, and knowing that they are all together this year tears at my heartstrings. At least I can enjoy it vicariously through your thus far awesome recap(s). I expect nothing less than greatness from you.
2 of 6 | Posted by RachWho?
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Posted on September 2, 2007 11:25 AM
I'm not offended with him not wearing a shirt at night either.
3 of 6 | Posted by chooch850
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Posted on September 2, 2007 12:35 PM
FozzieBare!!!! I have been reading recaps from this site for awhile and am constantly suprised at the creativity and wit of the writers. I LITERALLY laughed out loud several times reading your recap!! Calling Corey out, and the whole "she could be anywhere from 22-59" and nipples hooked up to the car battery? Classic!!! Keep up the great work!!
4 of 6 | Posted by Lloyd Dobbler
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Posted on September 3, 2007 12:32 AM
FozzieBare!!!! I have been reading recaps from this site for awhile and am constantly suprised at the creativity and wit of the writers. I LITERALLY laughed out loud several times reading your recap!! Calling Corey out, and the whole "she could be anywhere from 22-59" and nipples hooked up to the car battery? Classic!!! Keep up the great work!!
5 of 6 | Posted by Lloyd Dobbler
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Posted on September 3, 2007 12:34 AM
Aww... I feel like a proud mama seeing your name on a TVgasm Recap Fozzie! You are a hilarious guy and an excellent writer - what a great addition to the site.
{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}
6 of 6 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on September 4, 2007 6:34 AM