Next up are Travis and Monica. Travis is a blue-collar BMX rider who's got the bad boy thing down pat, and Monica is an ethnically ambiguous ingénue with sass. While dressing for the scene, Monica said she laughed at the bustier-garter belt combo because she has one just like it at home. Monica, you little vixen. These two share a scene in front of the judges that goes well, although Monica chooses to play the final scene a little differently than the rest of the cast when her husband begins banging on the hotel door. Travis' character asks, "Who is that, your dad?" to which Monica's character replies, "No, my husband," with arched eyebrows and a coy smile, implying that she's hoping for a ménage à Travis.
The next couple is Yves, a stunningly handsome European with cheese-grater abs and a winning smile, and Jimena, a Seinfeldian two-face Brazilian with a hoochie coochie accent. Mary Beth and the Swedish Chef both agree that the scene was unremarkable, not too good, not too bad, but when Michael Bruno gives his critique he says it's "tax time." Bruno tells them that the scene was a total mess, Yves didn't react well to the twist at the end and Jimena's accent was too thick. Jimena is clearly hurt during her post-critique interview, stating, "He crazy mang! No soy tengo gusto burrito, ariba!"
See? Two-face.
Next up are Joyce and Bo. Joyce is a tall, lanky Asian with a sexy Katie Holmes haircut. She and her husband enjoy cooking together and professional ghost hunting on the weekends. During the casting special we see the two of them in a haunted house with spectrometers, pleading for a spirit from the other side to give them a sign. Bo is a bland and forgettable blond that will either be gone next week, or be the victorious champion of the season. These two make the choice to play the scene as if Bo is a younger boy and Joyce is the seductive older woman; however, the judges don't get it. They tell Bo that he came off as goofy, and they had no idea what Joyce was trying to do. Maybe the spirit from the other side should have sent her an acting coach.
Lastly, we have Ashlee and Justin. Ashlee is a statuesque ebony goddess with flowing hair that looks as if it was spun from the finest spiders in all of Middle Earth. Justin is another blonde (ugh), with vanity muscle arms and bicoastal tattoos on each of his guns. When getting into costume for the scene, Ashlee didn't know how to put on the lingerie. Luckily, Monica was there to show her how to do it. "Once you get on the zipper mask and cover him in Thousand Island dressing, you're halfway there!"
The scene comes off very much like a typical soap scene with the woman being seductive and the man constantly brooding. Mary Beth and the Swedish Chef give bad news, saying that they didn't believe it, the seductive attitude was fake and simply "not very good." Michael is, oddly, the nice one, saying that he wanted the scene to keep going so "all the clothes could come off." Hear that, Justin? If this whole soap star thing doesn't pan out, you're pretty much guaranteed a job as Michael Bruno's latest "ward."
Once all of the scenes are performed it's time for the brutal deliberation, where the judges sit around a table with glossy 8x10 headshots like cops looking for clues in crime scene photos. Michael's bitchy, saying that he doesn't think Corey has what it takes to be a soap star. Mary Beth is sweet, saying they Ashlee was beautiful but not much of a stand-out. The Swedish Chef comments on Monica, saying, "Flurdy flurdy flurdy, bork bork bork." One person is going home, and based on the deliberation chat, it looks as though Ashlee and Corey are in trouble. Just like on The Bachelor, the black ones are always the first to go.
The Swedish Chef dining incognito at The Ivy
Back at the chorus line line, all the potential soap stars are standing before the judges, awaiting their fate. They each get critiques that we've heard before, but it's fun to watch them quake and try to pretend like they're not scared. Each contestant is asked to turn to their partner and stare into their eyes. Dramatic music swells as we await the inevitable vote-off, or "kill-off," since Soapnet is so masochistic. Will it be Ashlee with her faux seduction, or Corey with his skinny chicken legs and Patty LaBelle posters?
« AUDITIONGASM: Valley Jew and DLM | Main | Recap: Rock of Love: Cover Hurl »
Comments (6)
Congrats on your new recapping gig, Fozz! I hope this won't interefere with your BB watching/obsessing too much.
Very funny recap, I wish I got the Soapnet channel so I could see these "thespians" in action. And where can I buy that hair that is spun by the finest spiders in Middle Earth?
1 of 6 | Posted by angiemarie
|
Posted on September 2, 2007 8:10 AM
Fozz, you had me at "big, gay bull". Charter took Soapnet away from me about two years and life hasn't been the same since. I loved me some IWBASS, as well as my beloved DOOL, and knowing that they are all together this year tears at my heartstrings. At least I can enjoy it vicariously through your thus far awesome recap(s). I expect nothing less than greatness from you.
2 of 6 | Posted by RachWho?
|
Posted on September 2, 2007 11:25 AM
I'm not offended with him not wearing a shirt at night either.
3 of 6 | Posted by chooch850
|
Posted on September 2, 2007 12:35 PM
FozzieBare!!!! I have been reading recaps from this site for awhile and am constantly suprised at the creativity and wit of the writers. I LITERALLY laughed out loud several times reading your recap!! Calling Corey out, and the whole "she could be anywhere from 22-59" and nipples hooked up to the car battery? Classic!!! Keep up the great work!!
4 of 6 | Posted by Lloyd Dobbler
|
Posted on September 3, 2007 12:32 AM
FozzieBare!!!! I have been reading recaps from this site for awhile and am constantly suprised at the creativity and wit of the writers. I LITERALLY laughed out loud several times reading your recap!! Calling Corey out, and the whole "she could be anywhere from 22-59" and nipples hooked up to the car battery? Classic!!! Keep up the great work!!
5 of 6 | Posted by Lloyd Dobbler
|
Posted on September 3, 2007 12:34 AM
Aww... I feel like a proud mama seeing your name on a TVgasm Recap Fozzie! You are a hilarious guy and an excellent writer - what a great addition to the site.
{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}
6 of 6 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
|
Posted on September 4, 2007 6:34 AM