I won't apologize for exposing the 'I Want to be a Hilton' winner right off the bat in my title. If this has somehow upset you, I'd posit that it is YOU that is the problem, not my recap. I mean, it's not like I told you that [Edited Out] won Head of Household on Big Brother 6 last night or anything! Geez, what a surprise that was! Shocking! So now that you know Jaret was the big winner, I guess you'd like to know how he pulled it off. He is certainly one of the blandest and most empty-headed network reality show winners I've ever seen. Then again, since the Hilton show was one of the blandest and most empty-headed network reality shows I've ever seen, I suppose it makes sense. I guess we now finally know what that extra "a" in finalist Jackaay's name stood for: It's was her "A for Effort!" (Ba-dum-bump.)

Wow, four exclamation points in my opening paragraph... You'd think that this finale was somehow exciting. Unfortunately, you'd be wrong - very, very, wrong. Never before has the word "finale" sounded more like "finally" in my head as I watched. The episode began by reminding us that there were three remaining Hilton wannabes; Jaret, Jackaay, and Vanessa. We were shown quick vignettes of each explaining their hardscrabble pre-Hilton lives - a creepy pig-tailed Jackaay operating a front-end loader, Jaret smiling his gap-toothed smile in front of his trailer home, and Vanessa... Actually, Vanessa's bartending life really wasn't all that tough. After that, the show felt it necessary to go through a retrospective of all the prior episodes and all the important things the contestants learned. There was the original 14 meeting for the first time at Grand Central Station, there was Crazy Ann (who would surely be known as insANNity if she was on a more popular show) being crazy, and there was Jackaay hawking a loogie. Nice.