TVgasm Recaps

"No name has more cache than the name Hilton in high society." Or so "I Want To Be a Hilton's" annoying faux sophisticate narrator tells us during the show's intro. Now, "high society" is certainly different than you and me, but I'm fairly certain the name "Hilton" primarily conjures up visions of a certain doe-eyed dirty debutante in a night vision video, no matter how much money one has. But then again, when I hear "High Society" I immediately think about the porn magazine of that name - not boring old crackers with butlers and gaudy chandeliers. So what do I know?

NBC hasn't blown anybody away with I Want to Be a Hilton, but the show has been making strides since its first week, when it looked like Kathy Hilton had barely been in front of a television camera. Although the challenges were good, it seemed like Kathy had taken pointers from Paris when it came to her on-camera presence. Luckily for us, the cast of the show has given us plenty of reasons to watch (at least until it conflicts with Big Brother for all of you single tuner Tivo/ non-DVR types). Team Park has won both challenges, partly because they are better, but largely because they are a good team, or at least not as bad as Team Madison. But since Madison features a Vegas showgirl and former beauty pageant winner, it is that guaranteed vortex of self-absorption that keeps us coming back.

It was with some trepidation that I fired up the TiVo for this week's "I Want to Be a Hilton" episode. As much as I couldn't stand the sniveling Yvette...as much as Ann hurt my head to watch...Now that they were gone, I wasn't sure the show would offer any more of the type of conflict we've come to expect from reality TV. Yes, that ol' reality TV conundrum: the people you hate are often the same people who make the show interesting. Once I settled in, though, I was soothed by the show's quaint use of sepia-toned Manhattan-scapes and Roaring 20's tweakly ragtimey piano. "Ahhhhh, Kathy Hilton," I muttered as a smile crept across my face, "You are...so damn...classy!" Sufficiently transported to the world of high society, I was ready to watch. Random TVgasm Trivia: Which reality veteran's song did this recap's title come from? Answer after the jump.

Oh dear, what a mess. To be fair to the show, I was completely thrown off by NBC pre-empting the first 15 minutes of "I Want To Be a Hilton" to air President Bush's Supreme Court Nominee announcement (on the East Coast). Now, you know that shit wouldn't have flown back in NBC's "Must See TV" heyday. I can see Clair Huxtable getting all bug-eyed while doing that side-to-side neck thing and breathing deeply in her Dacron turquoise pantsuit (with high collar, matching hoop earrings and eye shadow) before saying, "Ain't no Preeeeeeesident gonna stop me from setting up another unfunny scene with my little Rudy doing something cute!" Yeah, I know "Must See TV" was Thursday nights, but whatever. Any chance to goof on Phylicia Ayres Rashad Allen, no matter how tenuous, is fine by me.

I feel a bit weird writing this recap knowing that 99% of TVgasm's readers spent their Tuesday night watching one of the best Big Brother episodes ever. And that remaining 1%? If you were watching the Hilton show you scare me, quite frankly, because I'm not sure that you are mentally stable. At least I, as the resident rookie writer 'round these parts, have an excuse. Alas, while B-Side gets to describe the wondrous meltdowns of Eric, Maggie, and Ivette, I must report upon the ho-hum return of a completely forgettable cast of eliminated Hiltonites. Imagine the emotional rollercoaster of my Tuesday night - going from Big Brother to "I Want to be a Hilton." But I'm a pro and I endured...for YOU, dear readers.

Enough of my whining. This week's show simply had to be better than last week's debacle. Right? Right??!!

My Tour of Hilton Recap Duty is nearly over as the socialite wannabes have been whittled down to the final four: Uber-wimp Jaret, PMS spokeswoman Vanessa, frumpy Jackaay, and the cryptically named JW. Actually, JW is from Mississippi, so perhaps that's the best his illiterate Mississippi parents could come up with. The four were enjoying their breakfast when Kathy Hilton appeared to discuss the day's challenge. Watching this show, I've learned that Kathy Hilton is so cool that her mere presence causes these kids to golf clap. They do it every week at the end of the show, but this week they greeted her with it at an impromptu breakfast appearance.

As commonplace as it's now become to dub in the reality host's yammering, Who Wants to be a Hilton seems to have taken it to new heights. Entire paragraphs are dubbed in - so much so that it sounds like a 15 year old's two-bit cable access show. In fact, as Kathy was explaining the challenge, I had to be do a double take to insure that she was actually present and not just appearing on a green screen or via a Princess Leia hologram projection thingamajig. It was that poorly produced.

Continue reading for more Star Wars references, after the jump...

I won't apologize for exposing the 'I Want to be a Hilton' winner right off the bat in my title. If this has somehow upset you, I'd posit that it is YOU that is the problem, not my recap. I mean, it's not like I told you that [Edited Out] won Head of Household on Big Brother 6 last night or anything! Geez, what a surprise that was! Shocking! So now that you know Jaret was the big winner, I guess you'd like to know how he pulled it off. He is certainly one of the blandest and most empty-headed network reality show winners I've ever seen. Then again, since the Hilton show was one of the blandest and most empty-headed network reality shows I've ever seen, I suppose it makes sense. I guess we now finally know what that extra "a" in finalist Jackaay's name stood for: It's was her "A for Effort!" (Ba-dum-bump.)

Wow, four exclamation points in my opening paragraph... You'd think that this finale was somehow exciting. Unfortunately, you'd be wrong - very, very, wrong. Never before has the word "finale" sounded more like "finally" in my head as I watched. The episode began by reminding us that there were three remaining Hilton wannabes; Jaret, Jackaay, and Vanessa. We were shown quick vignettes of each explaining their hardscrabble pre-Hilton lives - a creepy pig-tailed Jackaay operating a front-end loader, Jaret smiling his gap-toothed smile in front of his trailer home, and Vanessa... Actually, Vanessa's bartending life really wasn't all that tough. After that, the show felt it necessary to go through a retrospective of all the prior episodes and all the important things the contestants learned. There was the original 14 meeting for the first time at Grand Central Station, there was Crazy Ann (who would surely be known as insANNity if she was on a more popular show) being crazy, and there was Jackaay hawking a loogie. Nice.