"No name has more cache than the name Hilton in high society." Or so "I Want To Be a Hilton's" annoying faux sophisticate narrator tells us during the show's intro. Now, "high society" is certainly different than you and me, but I'm fairly certain the name "Hilton" primarily conjures up visions of a certain doe-eyed dirty debutante in a night vision video, no matter how much money one has. But then again, when I hear "High Society" I immediately think about the porn magazine of that name - not boring old crackers with butlers and gaudy chandeliers. So what do I know?
Well, one thing I know is that on reality shows, people get eliminated. It seems that this comes as a shock to the contestants on the crop of shows this summer. After last week's first elimination, Team Madison is slow to grasp what's going on. Jackaay (whose name I can't help but think is missing an accent of some sort) waas shoocked thaat soomeone waas goone. Because, you know, that sort of thing never happens on reality shows at gatherings with names like "Elimination Time." Get over it...and anyway, did she even like that Alain guy who got booted last week? Does anyone? Anywhere?
Before anyone else could wallow too much, the teams were whisked away in a helicopter out to the Hamptons on Long Island. I was going to goof on Latricia for not knowing what the Hamptons were, but she's from California and besides, something told me she'd be committing other stupidities later on much more deserving of my wrath. Once on the Island, the rubes marveled at the mansions and made their way to a polo match. If reality TV has taught us anything, it's that the rich do so enjoy their polo. I believe this marks the 64th time a show has used this setting to make us mere football and basketball fans to feel worthless. Man...we suck. Sigh.
Just as I was feeling poor and uneducated, I was jolted from my self-pity. Polo ain't all that special! There, in the crowd, why... it's... it's The Diamond himself, Daaa-aaaaa-aaaa-aaaa-vid Leeeee-eee-eeee Roooooth! Hiiiiii-ii-yaaaa! (Take that, "Jackaay.") That's right, apparently the top two celebs enjoying the polo match that day were Russell Simmons (or, Russthel Thimmonsth as I like to call him) and five time Van Halen lead singer, David Lee Roth. I wouldn't have thought it possible, but yes, horses are capable of looking embarrassed.
I Want To Be a Gigolo Too
The afternoon of polo was as boring as you'd imagine. The southern boys resorted to gathering around piles of horsecrap and kicking it at each other. That's right, in a televised contest measuring civility, glamour, and etiquette, some of the boys decided that this was an acceptable activity. These guys are wacky!
Just a couple of guys, kicking the shit
After the horse(crap)play, Kathy Hilton gathered the troops to get them excited for the challenge. "My mother died from breast cancer a few years ago and..." Oh, bummer. This week's challenge would be for each team to run an estate sale and an auction to benefit the Sloan-Kettering Memorial Foundation, to help the less fortunate pay for health care. It's nice to see a show helping out those in need for once...rather than Gordon Ramsey trashing enough lobster risotto to feed the entire nation of Burundi for a week over on Hell's Kitchen. The teams, Madison and Park, would have a few minutes to grab as much Hilton swag as possible for their respective sales tents. Each team grabbed a ton of stuff including Kathy's antique armoire, Nicky's old purses, Rick's old golf clubs, signed copies of "A Night in Paris..."
Once time was up, each team assessed their items. Both were pleased with their chances, but Kathy noted Team Madison scored big with a very expensive watch and Paris' sweet sixteen dress - stains included. Showing the grace he has learned, plumber Johnny stepped forward and presented everyone with an epic crotch chop that would have made X-Pac proud. Take THAT Team Park, with your tiara and umbrellas. Boo YAH! The teams retreated to their respective tents to plan out their strategies. Team Park's Vanessa immediately took charge but ran into some dissenting opinion from Brenden. She felt that he was taking credit for something she dreamt up and began arguing for no apparent reason, ending the fracas with, "If he wants to play that ass, I can too." I don't know what that means either, but Paris hadn't arrived yet so I knew it wasn't what I wished it meant. Damn.
« House of Lying, Daggers: Meet the Big Brother Cast! | Main | 7 Days until BB6! »
Comments (16)
Yvette may be the most annoying person on tv...oh wait, that honor goes to Richard from B&G, but she is definitely a close second. I can only hope that she will not be on the list next week.
1 of 16 | Posted by mountain girl | Posted on June 29, 2005 8:31 PM
If they don't teach the contestants how to make a good sex tape and leak it on the internet, I'm calling bullshit on the show.
2 of 16 | Posted by Jon | Posted on June 29, 2005 9:02 PM
Latricia, give it up. No, really. Give it up, seriously. No sympathy if there was no wardrobe from you.
Yvette in Union Jack outfit. Mmmm. Sure, she's a gold-digger, but still.
I'm still upset that Chris got knocked off at HK, while Jessica still stands. I just don't understand that.
And in other upsetting reality news, it will be an interesting final battle between Richard and Chuck. A more interseting battle compared to say, Richard vs. having to sit still and not say anything for 2 minutes.
3 of 16 | Posted by British | Posted on June 30, 2005 7:08 AM
A Beauty & The Geek (which I haven't caught yet) spoiler on a Wanna Be a Hilton recap? Curses. Ah well, now I don't have to watch it, I guess.
4 of 16 | Posted by TexasK | Posted on June 30, 2005 10:44 AM
I think Yvette's accent is fake as well as her boobs. I wanted her to get thrown off. Paris Hilton looked like her usual slutty self. Money can never buy class! I agree...everytime I see her, I think of her various acts on nightcam..and the full length show..she's just as boring in bed as she is in person. Trash!
5 of 16 | Posted by katieshole | Posted on June 30, 2005 1:36 PM
I thought the prize was a picnic with the Clam Man. Aren't the Hamptons known for clams? Just watch out for the Crab Lady. ba dum pum.
6 of 16 | Posted by Alibaba | Posted on June 30, 2005 2:02 PM
in absolutely NO WAY of defending the annoying bimbo that is Yvette - her profile says she's from England.
Anyway, I really wish she and Ann would go.
Personally, I don't have anything against Latricia. I mean, I would feel quite awkward myself if I were in her shoes. I mean, I thought about her as soon as they said for the girls to put on Nikki and Paris's clothes - I mean, come on, I've seen Paris in person (unfortunately) she's definitely lacking in the flesh area (read: sin and bones)!!!
And I'm SO with you on Kathy's comment to Yvette about being careful w/her sexuality...I literally laughed out loud. I mean, really, how does she say that with a straight face?!?
7 of 16 | Posted by Christy | Posted on June 30, 2005 4:55 PM
Sorry about the spolier. The show sucks anyway. :)
8 of 16 | Posted by British | Posted on June 30, 2005 6:29 PM
Jackaay, was on ElimiDATE as well as this show, she was called the date from hell, in 2003, its all over the net. who would put her on there. Jackaay is her stage name, Jaclyn is her real.
9 of 16 | Posted by Tim | Posted on June 30, 2005 6:47 PM
At first was I was all WTF?!? on a beauty pageant winner being on the show, since they are taught all this shit about eating with the right forks and whatever, but after seeing Ann twice, I can see why she needs to be taught things. She has absolutely no sense of appropriateness or any impulse control
Perhaps she was 5th runner-up and took the rest of the girls ahead of her out one by one until she was left with the crown? Hmm....
10 of 16 | Posted by zatanna | Posted on July 1, 2005 12:04 AM
So I take it people that we think are ordinary people are basically hopping from reality show to reality show? This will be good for the fansites.
Or this will just spawn yet another reality show "FIrst Timers". The show would be about people who honestly don't have a headshot/resume/agent and have never been in any other reality show.
11 of 16 | Posted by British | Posted on July 1, 2005 8:32 AM
Christy - Thank you for the clarification. For some reason I thought that Yvette was from Ireland, not England. In light of my error, I would like to apologize to the entire country of Ireland, all people of Irish descent, all people who have ever been to Ireland, all green things, beer, and Leprechauns everywhere.
12 of 16 | Posted by sg-dub | Posted on July 1, 2005 8:55 AM
I've never seen this show, don't think I can, I'm way too Hilton'ed out. I stopped watching Surreal Life after season one because I just found Paris way too self-centered and idiotic to tolerate watching.
I'm blown away by your recap though sb-dub. Kathy Hilton actually had the gall to lecture someone about being too sexual???!!!
Hello Kathy, YOUR DAUGHTER IS THE MOST INFAMOUS PORN STAR IN AMERICA.
That woman seriously needs to get a grip on reality and give that lecture to her slutty daughter whose setting a hideous example for little girls all over America. What a hypocrite, teach your own daughters not to be sluts before you start lecturing random people on that.
13 of 16 | Posted by Your daughter's a whore!!!! | Posted on July 1, 2005 9:22 AM
Woops, did I say Surreal Life?
I actually like Surreal Life, I meant to say Simple Life. Duh!
14 of 16 | Posted by Your daughter's a whore!!!! | Posted on July 1, 2005 9:24 AM
CHRISTY, what do you mean?
(I'm kidding, couldn't resist after reading your comment. :-)
15 of 16 | Posted by Gini | Posted on July 1, 2005 9:53 AM
David Lee Roth should shtoink Paris Hilton and film it, It'd probably bring back Roth's career from the doldrums, and it'd also probably be the best fuck that Paris Hilton would have had in her short sex life. The skank wouldn't know what hit her.
PS i'd still fuck her brains out
16 of 16 | Posted by Weeksy | Posted on July 1, 2005 12:24 PM