After watching the President bumble through his teleprompted speech, the devilishly handsome Brian Williams solemnly told us that we'd now be returned to "NBC Programming." Since he's in New York, he looked thoroughly embarrassed knowing that his friends and family would be switched into the ritzy world of Kathy Hilton and the goofy gang of kids trying to gain entry into her upper echelon. With no introduction and no explanation, it was a bit shocking to see new teams (green vs. blue) on a croquet course (or is it a field?) with World Heavyweight Champion Lennox Lewis looking on. Huh? What did I miss in those first 14 minutes? Why is Lennox Lewis in my grandfather's polyester golf duds? I had to sort this out - and quickly.

Apparently the teams were reshuffled which gave us the following breakdown: Team Green consisted of Vanessa, Latricia, Niki, and Brenden. I later learned that Latricia picked the teams and I guess she wasn't aware of the hatred Vanessa and Brenden have for each other. Team Blue was Jules, Jaret, JW, and Jackaay - Team J, if you will. From what I gathered, the premise was that the teams of 4 would battle each other in a series of "sophisticated" games, reality TV style. With Lennox Lewis observing for some unknown reason. The first game was a bastardized version of croquet where Brenden and Jaret battled it out. We in the East missed Brenden's attempt, but saw the tail end of Jaret hunched over his mallet and kind of shoveling his ball through the wickets. I don't know the rules of croquet, but something tells me Jaret wasn't playing by them. Technically speaking, he must have taken 859 strokes to complete the course. Rules didn't apply, however, and Jaret was declared the winner of this nonsense based on time. At this point, even the 8 remaining contestants looked embarrassed to be part of this show. I kept peering out my windows to make sure the neighbors weren't secretly laughing at me for watching it.

Up next was the rowing challenge. Because, you see, young Paris and Nicky Hilton were forced to row up and down the lake in Central Park for years. It's all part of being a socialite. In fact, if you get up really early and listen intently through the fog and avian chatter, you can still hear Paris across the lake..."Pull! Pull! That's hot. Pull! Pull!" For this contest, two women from each team had to row an oar while a male sat in the boat with them. From the get-go, Niki and Vanessa showed they actually knew what they were doing as they blew away Jules and Jackaay. As it turns out, Darling Niki rows as a hobby. Boy, she really is just like Paris! Unfortunately for Team Blue, the closest Jules and Jackaay have ever gotten to "rowing" was that time they went to Cancun on Spring Break and got cornrows in their hair. [Message to white women everywhere: Please, STOP doing this. You are not Bo Derek and it's not 1979.] They rowed in circles, argued, cried, fought, and gave up. Jules did finally say what we've all been thinking: "Jackaay is like a man-woman." In addition to the extra 'a' in her name, methinks she has an extra Y in her chromosomes. Completely fed up with their ineptitude, Jaret dove off the boat into the green muck of the lake, effectively taking 3 years off of his life. It was almost enough to make me forget this was a show about class and grace.

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