Disaster is averted for both teams however as Mama Combs finds an outfit and Stefanie is finally able to track down Kim's walking monthly paychecks. Which means it's the perfect time for a new crisis. As Mike and Boris of the Downtown team are shopping for a gift for Diddy from Kim, they get a special text message instructing Kendra to check her voicemail immediately. Which wouldn't be a big deal of course -- if her phone wasn't dead. Those producers are cruel bastards. You can't tell me this wasn't thought of spontaneously when they saw her phone had died. Well she somehow is able to check the VM on Stefanie's phone it looks like, and it turns out the message is from Diddy, whining about having to talk to an answering machine and then hanging up without saying what he supposedly wanted. Kendra freaks out because they may "put a sore thumb" on her team. Whatever the fuck that means, it's bad.
"No, for realz. That club shooting never would have happened had that bitch not made me talk to his answering machine so many times. I had to teach him a lesson."
Diddy gives Poprah on the Uptown team a call next, and she actually answers her phone. He asks her a few cursory questions about how his mother's doing, and Poprah launches into a big, schmoozing description of Mama Combs' day until Diddy tells her to STFU and give the phone to his mom. LOL. Once on the phone with mommy, Diddy asks her how the Uptown team's doing. MC's like eh, they haven't killed me yet so that's something, right? After finishing up her conversation, MC hands the phone back to Poprah, who eagerly checks to see if Diddy's still there -- and he's not. Burn.
At this point, Kim is finally reunited with her twin daughters, and Diddy's older kids are playing football in the middle of the luxury suite. You know that's not going to end well, and sure enough one of the kids knocks over and breaks a vase. I was kinda hoping they'd hit Stefanie in the face with the football, Brady Bunch style, but alas. Meanwhile, her teammates Boris and Mike are still trying to figure out a gift to buy. Somehow, Mike blends the red carpet outfit task with the gift task, and is now convinced they should buy Diddy clothes as a gift from Kim. Boris repeatedly insists Mike's completely ass-backwards here, and Mike won't listen to a word he says until they call Kim's assistant -- who immediately vetoes the clothes idea and pushes them towards collectibles and memorabilia. Instead of taking this news calmly, Mike flips his shit instead and gets just as pouty as Diddy when he has to go through the torturous process of leaving a voicemail.
Later that night, Poprah has finally decided to address the southern breakfast issue with Mama Combs, and asks what MC would want in the alternative. But instead of giving them a backup plan, MC insists she wants her fucking southern breakfast, even if Poprah has to cook it herself.
"How about some nice Taco Bell? Mexico's south of here."
At 11:45pm, both Mama Combs and Kim are done for the night, so all the contestants decide to have dinner and a drink or two to relax. And by drink or two, I mean lots of shots and all-night partying. Gotta love Stefanie literally dropping it like it's hot. Now we know they're going to get an emergency text during all this, and if they don't know that they're stupider than I thought -- which now makes them short bus stupid. Sure enough at 4:43 am (!!!), in comes the text message telling them to go pick someone up immediately!
The contestants arrive at a beautiful house, wait for a few minutes, and then finally, after 4 weeks of this shit, Diddy lowers himself to make an actual appearance before them! Verne nearly starts crying, while Kendra tries to wiggle out of her panties before Stefanie can beat her to it. He gives them one of his egomaniac talks, repeatedly and oddly saying he's hungry. Umm, okay. And with that, he dismisses them! Hope you enjoyed the best 5 minutes of your life, everyone.
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Comments (6)
LoLo, honey, you are a doll... I, too, am dealing with double-show duty, and it's a bit of a struggle, so I know what you're going thru. This was a great one, though, and THANK you for including the Boris/CanDo conversation, that was the best thing I've read all morning! I think we must have scared him off from commenting after his last post a few weeks back. You are lovely and loved, I admire you greatly...
love, hugs & kisses,
xoxoxox
J-Mo :)
1 of 6 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 8, 2008 9:15 AM
This recap was HILARIOUS! The screencaps were right on and the comment about being in heat was a classic.
I was rather suprised that the Downtown team lost. Maybe there was a lot that we did not see. If someone had to go, I would suggest Boris. He annoys me to no end. I was waiting on him to accuse Verne of trying to seduce him while yelling out Tranny It Up.....now that would have been hilarious/true.
2 of 6 | Posted by Peter Pan | Posted on September 8, 2008 10:04 AM
Great job, LoLo! This was worth waiting for!
I have a question: What did the downtown team get as a gift from Kim? I know the other team got a crystal star from Mama Combs, but did they ever show the other gift? Just curious!
Also, Stefanie needs to leave soon...so boring and she doesn't seem to participate much.
3 of 6 | Posted by fierytopaz | Posted on September 8, 2008 6:21 PM
I was not suprised that Downtown lost. They had trouble keeping track of her kids, which are the most important thing to a mother.
I am glad they did not eliminate anyone, because I think Kendra would have gone. I felt sorry for her, when Boris attacked her.
4 of 6 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on September 9, 2008 1:36 PM
LoLo--thanks for the warm welcome!!! i adore your top chef recaps, and partially because i'm not the top chef recapper, and partially because i wanted a level of anonymity for auditiongasm (in case i sucked), i decided to be anonymous and then come up with a new handle. but i have old friends and favorites (like yourself) and wanted to make sure you all knew where i came from (i.e. inspired by your genius!)
thanks again!
5 of 6 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 9, 2008 9:46 PM
Hilarious recap!
I was so turned off by Boris! What a bitch!!!
I am also surprised the downtown team lost. They put far more work into it than the uptown team did.
What I really wanna know though is whether 'what's his name' is looking for a great assistant or if this is just pure entertainment. Because if Kendra had gone home leaving can't do shit Boris, I would have my question answered and been able to confirm that the show is a joke!!!
6 of 6 | Posted by nefe | Posted on September 9, 2008 11:52 PM