At this point, an envelope arrives at the dinner table containing the results. And the winner is... the Uptown team? What? I'm honestly shocked. Verne loses her mind, jumping and flailing in her tight, low-cut cocktail dress so much that her fake boobs nearly pop out. And not only do they win -- but they get to go to a party with Diddy later that night as a reward. Kendra decides that even though she's on the losing team, that's not going to stop her from enjoying her evening, and she proceeds to get trashed. I hope her hungover ass gets the boot.
Verne handles the news of her victory maturely...
The next day, the Downtown team files in to meet with Capricorn. She lectures them on trying to be too BFF with Kim rather than working as her assistants before letting the four of them fight it out. Kendra and Boris call each other out, and Mike jumps in to also slam Boris -- especially for being lazy the morning of the ceremony. Stefanie pipes in and goes against Kendra, blaming her for missing that call from Diddy and generally being the cause of a communication breakdown. Judging from Kendra's reaction to that, if both she and Stefanie stay this week, Stef better start sleeping with one eye open. Since it's a tie and Boris and Kendra chose each other anyway, Capricorn declares it'll be the two of them facing the DIC.
Once midget-face Phil and Kevin join Capricorn, Boris and Kendra begin having it out. Kendra is criticized for practically molesting poor Kim, whereas Boris is partially blamed for Kendra's phone situation since he had borrowed her charger. That's total bullshit, which he is able to point out to the judges because a) she never asked for it back and that's her responsibility and b) she could have purchased a new one while she was out shopping that entire day.
And this is where it gets really bizarre. Out of nowhere, Boris suddenly announces that Kendra "loves Mike in a sexual nature." Dude, the only one crushing on any teammates was you. Don't project your Verne hang-ups on other people. And just when I'm getting over my surprise from that comment, all hell breaks loose -- as Boris announces that Kendra wants this job to have sex with Diddy! LMAO. What a fucking dumbass Boris is. Midget faced Phil looks like he's trying not to laugh while Stefanie looks appalled and Kendra's eyes nearly pop out of her head in disbelief.
When the Kendra's-a-dirty-slut-who-wants-to-fuck-every-dude-in-a-50-mile-radius tactic doesn't get the reaction he wanted, Boris decides to switch it up. So now Kendra's a drunk who had to be carried home last night! This keeps getting better and better. I can't wait until he grabs her arm and tries to point out track marks next. But unfortunately before we can get to that part, Phil is disgusted enough to throw them out so the DIC can deliberate. Boo.
"AND she's also a necrophiliac! Uh huh! Banging dead dudes is totally her thing. When she's drunk. And thinking about Diddy."
In private, Kevin and Capricorn seem concerned about the way Kendra let Boris totally get the upperhand in that fight, and how she could never stand up to Diddy. On the flipside, Boris's arrogance and tendency to shift blame to everyone else is also problematic. I can see this going either way. I'd say overall Kendra would be a better candidate in real life, but since Boris makes better TV, Kendra will be eliminated.
In the waiting area, Mike calmly tells Boris that they just saw a whole other side of him in front of the DIC, and within minutes the two of them begin screaming at each other over what Boris said about Mike and Kendra. Both keep shouting "fall back! fall back!" and it very quickly makes no sense and is just angry garble. Hilariously, though, Kendra feels the need to get involved and jumps up and randomly screams "You called me a fucking drunk!" Poor Stefanie. Her face here says it all:
"Psssst.... get me the HELL out of here!"
The DIC calls everyone back in for results. Phil rehashes each of their faults before announcing the decision -- neither one is leaving! BOOOOOO. As the episode ends, the team tells us that even though they didn't lose anyone, they're still broken and no one can trust Boris at all anymore. Well no shit, sherlock.
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Comments (6)
LoLo, honey, you are a doll... I, too, am dealing with double-show duty, and it's a bit of a struggle, so I know what you're going thru. This was a great one, though, and THANK you for including the Boris/CanDo conversation, that was the best thing I've read all morning! I think we must have scared him off from commenting after his last post a few weeks back. You are lovely and loved, I admire you greatly...
love, hugs & kisses,
xoxoxox
J-Mo :)
1 of 6 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 8, 2008 9:15 AM
This recap was HILARIOUS! The screencaps were right on and the comment about being in heat was a classic.
I was rather suprised that the Downtown team lost. Maybe there was a lot that we did not see. If someone had to go, I would suggest Boris. He annoys me to no end. I was waiting on him to accuse Verne of trying to seduce him while yelling out Tranny It Up.....now that would have been hilarious/true.
2 of 6 | Posted by Peter Pan | Posted on September 8, 2008 10:04 AM
Great job, LoLo! This was worth waiting for!
I have a question: What did the downtown team get as a gift from Kim? I know the other team got a crystal star from Mama Combs, but did they ever show the other gift? Just curious!
Also, Stefanie needs to leave soon...so boring and she doesn't seem to participate much.
3 of 6 | Posted by fierytopaz | Posted on September 8, 2008 6:21 PM
I was not suprised that Downtown lost. They had trouble keeping track of her kids, which are the most important thing to a mother.
I am glad they did not eliminate anyone, because I think Kendra would have gone. I felt sorry for her, when Boris attacked her.
4 of 6 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on September 9, 2008 1:36 PM
LoLo--thanks for the warm welcome!!! i adore your top chef recaps, and partially because i'm not the top chef recapper, and partially because i wanted a level of anonymity for auditiongasm (in case i sucked), i decided to be anonymous and then come up with a new handle. but i have old friends and favorites (like yourself) and wanted to make sure you all knew where i came from (i.e. inspired by your genius!)
thanks again!
5 of 6 | Posted by AuJew | Posted on September 9, 2008 9:46 PM
Hilarious recap!
I was so turned off by Boris! What a bitch!!!
I am also surprised the downtown team lost. They put far more work into it than the uptown team did.
What I really wanna know though is whether 'what's his name' is looking for a great assistant or if this is just pure entertainment. Because if Kendra had gone home leaving can't do shit Boris, I would have my question answered and been able to confirm that the show is a joke!!!
6 of 6 | Posted by nefe | Posted on September 9, 2008 11:52 PM