TVgasm Recaps

I'm gonna start this one off with a warning. If you are easily frightened, sickened or traumatized. DO NOT GO ANY FURTHER. Now let's get right to it y'all. Here's the 2 hour premiere of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!

It's only day 2 of our 23 day journey and Speidi has already quit a total of three times. However, that's the same number of times that they got engaged, got married and had a threesome with Perez Hilton so they'll probably be back soon. The group has been divided into women vs. men teams and I hate when shows do this. The men almost alwyas beat the women and it sets the whole Equal Rights movement back like 50 years. Of course, so does this...

It's me again y'all. And it's elimination day. I have a feeling I'm gonna be pissed off very soon so let's just jump right into I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!

***And now, please welcome one of your Auditiongasm faves to the team, MEDUSA!!!

So, let's start with a 10 second review of I'm a Celebrity! Get Me Out of Here!

Celebrities arrive in Costa Rica. Heidi and Spencer quit, return. Celebrities survive their first night and first food challenge in the jungle, Heidi and Spencer quit, return. Celebrities face their first immunity challenge, face elimination. Heidi and Spencer quit... and wait for it...

Thank you for joining me for another episode of I'm a Celebrity! Get Me Out of Here! I hope to make this easier for you than NBC made it for me. You're going down for this one Silverman. You're officially on my broadcast television shit list after David Caruso, the cast of "Gossip Girl" and whoever made the decision to cancel "My So-Called Life."

I didn't even turn to NBC until 8:10 ET becuase I figured they'd be showing clips from the last episode for the first 45 minutes or so. Imagine my surprise when I turned to the show and the action had already started. Damien and Myleene start off the show and Damien can't even get his first word out. I thought that maybe the two of them were doin' it but now I just think he's a drunk and she's an enabler. She's always wearing some Stepford wife dress which is completely inappropriate for the jungle. And he's always looking at her with misplaced aggression.

Yes folks, it's the show that never ends. Much like the cobwebs in Janice's old dusty cooter, it just goes on and on. And one more "Celebrity" will be sent packing. Let's see what the jungle nuts are up to tonight on I'm A Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here!

Well peeps we're almost there. It's almost over. Let's get right into rehashing everything we've already seen and then I'll tell you if anything new actually occurred on I'm A Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here!

How does it start? Dear Celebrities...

It's the beginning of week 3 and another 72 hours have elapsed since we last saw our favorite Costa Rican captives. I consulted the official rules on NBC.com and since we have only made it past vote 2, we still have votes 3-5 remaining--which will leave us with 5 celebrities, and on to vote 6, which I'm assuming will be a straight up popularity contest for the winner.



But since NBC seems to be a fan of arbitrary rule changes, I won't try to apply any more of my fancy college learnin' to the situation.

I'm back! The demons at Best Buy have been defeated and my computer is fixed. We're on Day 18 of the celebrities supposedly being in the jungle. I've missed Lou, Janice and Sanjaya. But I've missed the summer's sexiest couple most of all.

Yes folks it's finally here. The day we've all been waiting for. Who will be named King or Queen of the Jungle? Let's wade through the 58 minutes of commercials and rehashing and find out who wins I'm A Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here!

We're one episode away from finding out who will be crowned the King or Queen of the Jungle and boy am I relieved. I ended up enjoying the show in a weird way and I've become attached to Patti's pigtails, Torrie's nerdy glasses and Lou's bare chest.

It's the beginning of the final week, week 4. The hosts provide a recap, but much like I am, they are really just polishing a turd. Let's just move forward, shall we?