***And now, please welcome one of your Auditiongasm faves to the team, MEDUSA!!!
So, let's start with a 10 second review of I'm a Celebrity! Get Me Out of Here!
Celebrities arrive in Costa Rica. Heidi and Spencer quit, return. Celebrities survive their first night and first food challenge in the jungle, Heidi and Spencer quit, return. Celebrities face their first immunity challenge, face elimination. Heidi and Spencer quit... and wait for it...
One more short tangent, if I may... I have been waiting all week to unload on the brat Pratts and I will not be deterred by the intermission of their publicity stunt.
Spencer, a.k.a. supervillian/new Christian/brilliant businessman:
A. You must not have gotten to it in bible camp yet, but there is a New Testament. Check it out. It's goes on to cover more of why revenge, deceit, pride, spite, callousness and all around treachery will not get you through the pearly gates, no matter which Baldwin brother is manning the entrance.
B. Furthermore, as such a clever business man, I'm sure you are aware that fame is fleeting and you should be pursuing an actually profession. Oh, TV producer? The kid from the Wonder Years can do it... what are you working on Spence?
And since all business men seek to establish themselves as erratic, egotistical, vindictive, flaky and shortsighted, you're doing great.
C. Heidi you have been the minor annoyance compared to your husband, but I do have to say one thing to you--dry shampoo? It's powder in a can Heidi, not a force field. Lay off. I don't know how the Costa Rican jungle will survive rampant deforestation and you.
Phew. Okay, on to episode three.
Our hosts Damien and My...leene? Myla? Mya? My God I don't care. I'm just going to call them "hosts." They're virtually indistinguishable from every other MTV personality one spring break past their peak. NBC, if you want me to tune into another season, please consider Ben Vereen as Mayor Ben of Zoobilee Zoo to host this show. The timeline, casting and Spencer's facial hair are all totally absurd, why should the hosting choice be anything less?
The hosts remind us that Sanjaya won the immunity challenge, thereby saving the men's team from elimination. In turn, the men are able to save Patti. Up for elimination are Frangela (both halves), Torrie and Janice Dickinstein. The hosts also remind us that a new cast mate will arrive as one is eliminated tomorrow. Now it's time to rejoin the celebrities in the jungle as they are wake to start a new day...
It is a serene morning in the jungle. Angela mentions that waking up without the presence of the brat Pratts is like "a rainbow in your heart." And I would venture, a song for your soul, a Midol for your blindingly intense ass cramp.
Janice is one of the first ones up, because you're never be able to grab much quality sleep after your plastic surgeon has sewn your eyelids to your hairline, and she's getting ready for the day. Her slight figure can't muster much more than the weight of her crack pipe, so she is unable to control the water bucket and spills water into John Salley's boots.
John Salley, the gentle giant of the tribe, is not thrilled to find the party foul in his shoe. Group leader LaBamba tries to mediate an apology, but Janice only manages, "if I did I'm sorry." Ugh, grow up Janice, if someone did this to you, you'd throw a supermodel superfit and pee in their canteen in their sleep.
Tensions are still high when Salley asks to borrow Janice's shampoo. Janice basically tells the bald man not to use it all. At this point Salleyboy has had enough of Janice's selfishness and he snaps and calls Janice a litany of names. I had to watch it a couple more times to put together what he said, but it is tantamount to "Janice, I find you unpleasant."
Dickinstein will not be spoken to that way. Y'know, the way she speaks to other people? She'd "rather work with the homeless or for charity then be spoken to in that tone." Isn't that what you're doing here? Basically homeless in the jungle, working for charity? See this is why you are all Z-List celebrities; you are incapable of staying on task and in character.
After a pow-wow with Stephen Baldwin and LaBamba, Salley decides to apologize. He approaches Janice, sincerely apologizes, but Janice ignores his pleas and Salley ends up crying to the camera.
« Harper's Island: Gurgle: Little Turd Lost | Main | Charm School: Team Hateskids for the Win! »
Comments (16)
i absolutely LOVED this recap!! there are a lot of recaps on this site that i find very entertaining and amusing but this one really had me laughing out loud.. u are SO clever.. so many random references !!
and having worked with ben vereen before (ok i was 12 but still) i promote him being made the new host.. i cant stand the other 2.. theyre so boring
thanks again for making me laugh this morning!
1 of 16 | Posted by angelbayyb | Posted on June 7, 2009 8:09 AM
loved this recap and this episode, but i'm not sure i'll be watching if they bring speidi back...maybe just to vote for fran.
2 of 16 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on June 7, 2009 9:54 AM
I want to recap an episode of this show!
I hope the Speidies come back for more.
3 of 16 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on June 7, 2009 11:00 AM
Vizzini was not available?!
Inconceivable!
In spite of Lou Diamond Phillips's continued hotness, I cannot bring myself to watch this tripe anymore...so I'm relying on the recaps. Thanks for suffering on my behalf.
4 of 16 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on June 7, 2009 11:26 AM
As much as I appreciate LDP's utter Lassie-like earnestness, I do believe he's fallen prey to that "big shoulders tiny head" weightlifting syndrome.
Fits into the same category as those skinny old ultra-yoga ladies with the enormous ribcages.
The show may suck, but the recaps keep getting better n' better.
5 of 16 | Posted by itchy | Posted on June 7, 2009 11:42 AM
All of you who are sharing recapping duties for this show have my pity! It's amusing to read about (coming from your talented hands) but there is no way I could sit through an hour of this crap (or however long it is). I know LDP's career isn't exactly booming, but he was a respected actor, unlike the rest of these never-really-have-beens --why is he lowering himself like this? Massive gambling debt? Drugs? Seriously, Lou, what gives?!
6 of 16 | Posted by Lizbot | Posted on June 7, 2009 2:00 PM
Oh, and I've never watched the hills, only caught glimpses of Heidi here and there on clip shows, but seriously she looks like skeletor in that pic you posted up top -- a skeleton with unnaturally large breasts. Who finds that attractive? Should I even be asking?
7 of 16 | Posted by Lizbot | Posted on June 7, 2009 2:01 PM
I know this show is less than stellar, but I can not stop watching LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS.
I am in love!!!!
8 of 16 | Posted by nyc cookie | Posted on June 7, 2009 4:23 PM
I recapped the first episode in my blog
kissmymanolos.blogspot
9 of 16 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on June 7, 2009 5:27 PM
Apparently the Bratts are now suing NBC, claiming they were "tortured" while on this TV show. What a sad ploy for more attention and an extension of their 15 minuntes.
And does this mean those of us in the audience can file suit for having been tortured by being exposed to these no talent twerps?
Guess this answers the pressing question of "will they be back." (As though anyone cared.)
10 of 16 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on June 7, 2009 8:36 PM
"If Alien ever gave birth to Steven Tyler's baby..."
I loved this screen quote, mainly because it is true. You I read this this morning and laughed, and then later this afternoon I remembered it and laughed again. That's good writing, Thanks!
11 of 16 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on June 7, 2009 10:54 PM
Kissmymanolos, that's pretty tacky of you. Great recap!
12 of 16 | Posted by johnnyrocket | Posted on June 7, 2009 11:05 PM
Hey Medusa:
Welcome to the family! Great recap, sorry they stuck you with such a shitty show, not much to work with here.
Love Janice Dickenstein!
Look forward to your other recaps.
13 of 16 | Posted by Fatman | Posted on June 8, 2009 4:48 AM
Great recap, Medusa. Clever line about the plastic surgeon sewing her eyelids too close to her hairline.
I like your tongue-in-cheek writing style. I'm a fan.
Roja
14 of 16 | Posted by Roja | Posted on June 8, 2009 9:22 AM
Young Guns 3: The Legend of Keifer's Gold.
ROFL!!!!!! Great recap!
15 of 16 | Posted by kittkatt357 | Posted on June 8, 2009 10:50 AM
I've never heard of Daniel Baldwin either. Does he appear on that spencer/heidi show too?
Scraping the bottom of the barrel? With Daniel I think they might have dug underneath the barrel.
(Though to be quite honest Daniel seems like a very nice man.)
I liked your recap but I still want MORE snark.
16 of 16 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on June 8, 2009 12:25 PM