Hollywood Junket Queen
EP 2: 'What Happens In Vegas'
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May 9, 2008
Beauty and the Geek: Cabin Fever (Now With Deflowerings and Snowballing!)
To many Californians, a trip to Big Bear is either 1. mandatory by order of parents or 2. mandatory by order of school field trip. But not for the Dorks and the Bitches; in fact, for them, having the CW send them off to Big Bear is like witnessing the reformation of The Beatles, or seeing God, or tripping out on some gooey Jenkem. Elation aside, one can only wonder WHO WILL DIE UNDER AN AVALANCHE? WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN AN EPISODE WHEN FACTORING IN VERY COLD WEATHER CONDITIONS?! WHERE AM I GOING TO FIT IN THE WORD "SNOWBALLING" IN A SEXUAL CONTEXT IN THIS ENTIRE RECAP!?!!?!?!?
Jessie Spano-grade Excitement
May 8, 2008
Top Chef: Next Time, Just Elope
This week on Top Chef, the chefs compete in two all-time favorite challenges while both old (Twitch v. Richard, Fleasa v. soap) and new (Dale v. Evangelass) rivalries emerge.
"I only married you for your money!"
"I know. And once those start to sag, I'm trading you in for a younger model."
Continue reading "Top Chef: Top Chef: Next Time, Just Elope" »
Viva Hollywood: Introducing The Psycho Bimbo Stalker From Hell
Hola Chicos,
This week we get all kinds of psycho-drama with our past-life regressing, genital switching, chihuahua loving contestants. It's definitely a chow down, face stuffing week, so grab your booze and chips and take the jump...
My husband thinks he's a chihuahua. A chihuahua, I tell you.
Continue reading "Viva Hollywood!: Viva Hollywood: Introducing The Psycho Bimbo Stalker From Hell" »
American Idol: America's Most Smartest Idol
This week on American Idol, Yoko got another free plug and I ate over 10,000 depression calories. Thanks, Nigel!
Being rich means never having to say you'll practice proper hair maintenance.
Continue reading "American Idol: American Idol: America's Most Smartest Idol" »
Real World Hollywood: Meathead Soliloquy
Hello dolls and welcome back to the Real Word Hollywood! On tonight's Pre-True Hollywood Story, a young man in search of fake reality show fame moves to Hollywood. He rides the heady wave Real World notoriety - VIP status at sparsely attended dive bars on Hollywood Blvd., women with weaves of synthetic yellow, drinking Brandy over ice in plastic cups with his worldly Ohio-bred roommate. But the harsh glare of the cameras following him 24-7 quickly begins to destroy him. Really quickly. Like, in three weeks. See how this brave, reality show actor broke barriers by bringing prepared, Oscar-quality teary monologues to his show. See how he almost lost it all over the pressures of being twenty-four and living rent-free. With a gym. See how it all began...
You have so much promise! If only you could cry...
Continue reading "Real World: Real World Hollywood: Meathead Soliloquy" »
The Bachelor: Honey Gangsta Takes a Nap
Quick! The women are telling all!
So I tried, I really tried to come up with anything to say about The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, but seriously, there was nothing new. Stacey was back to explain how embarrassed she was about being such a drunken freak show on the first episode and then as an apology gift she gave Matt a pair of granny panties. Marshana showed up in something other than a sari and claimed to be misunderstood, and Robin showed up in a top pretending it was a dress and said it's been fun to watch Matt in the last couple of episodes and see him look so happy. Nice try, Robin.
Continue reading "The Bachelor: The Bachelor: Honey Gangsta Takes a Nap" »
Survivor: James and the Giant OH MY GOD, THAT IS DISGUSTING.
Lesson One: Do not try to steal Amanda's boyfriend. She will make you pay.
Continue reading "Survivor: Survivor: James and the Giant OH MY GOD, THAT IS DISGUSTING." »
May 7, 2008
Ugly Betty: The Little Crazy Train that Could
Lots happened last week on Ugly Betty...but the most important thing (in my mind) is that something is going to catch on fire this week. Hope it's not the Suarez Hacienda, but I'm loving the drama. Let the crazy begin!
"It's 2 o'clock in the morning, that gives us 5 hours until your next meeting." Whoa, does Betty work in my department, because that sounds familiar.
"How can you sound so chipper, we've been up until 2am for the last 5 nights?" If you've been up until 2am five nights in a row, you're chipper because you are crazy and running on fumes. Trust me. Betty is all excited because if it's past midnight, Mode pays to send her home in a town car which is "pretty cool" they have free water. I would have thought the safety of not being attacked would have been the cool part. She tells Daniel to stay away from the mini-bar. Thank God he's sober this season.
Betty's getting another call...check caller ID, girl! She clicks over and "BETTY!" Screams Crazy Town Renee. "Daniel isn't home yet and I'm worried." How about trying his phone, psycho stalker? Betty tells her she has him on the other line and Renee demands to be put through to him. Can you do that with a cell phone? Mine is from 2000 - doesn't even have a colored screen, people. Betty wants to go over his schedule with him first, but Renee's all about the crazy now, and she must speak to him RIGHT NOW. Betty conferences Daniel in.
Not the three-way Betty was hoping for!
Continue reading "Ugly Betty: Ugly Betty: The Little Crazy Train that Could" »
American Idol: Gang of Four and Songs of Ganja
America learns the proper way to give a hickey.
Dear Seabreath,
Why does my vote matter more this week? It would only matter more if fewer people were voting, but that doesn't appear to be the case since you claimed that 45 million people voted last week. I may be the only Asian kid alive who can't do calculus, but I still think this is Fetus's American Idol title to lose. No matter what I do, I can't rock the vote!
Continue reading "American Idol: American Idol: Gang of Four and Songs of Ganja" »
Hollywood Junket Queen
EP 1: 'On the red carpet of Speed Racer'
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The Hills: New Bitch In Town
You know how on every show, the episode after a big shitstorm episode nothing really happens? Sort of a breather, a catch-up episode? I wanted to say that tonight's show was one of those... only not enough happened last week to classify it as such. Just the same level-5 drama we've come to expect. I don't know how it happened, but I actually missed Kelly Cutrone. But it's okay, still plenty of shit to make fun of. Join us, won't you, for another half hour of our heroines bobbling around in flowy dresses that don't show off their well-earned (or bought) bodies and makeup-addled faces? Welcome to The Hills, y'all!
Continue reading "The Hills: The Hills: New Bitch In Town" »
Dancing with the Stars: Judges Don't Drink the Black and Tan
This week on Dancing with the Stars we recover from last weeks high drama (injuries and prom queens gone mad!!) - and jump right into ballroom! And this week dancers are allowed ONE LIFT! Ladies and Gentlemen - prepare yourselves for bloodshed!
I love ballroom night! Everyone's all dressed up - with careers that have no place to go. And just look at this line up! Asian, White, Black, Latino - it's like a dancing United Colors of Benetton ad! Apparently it's true - white men cannot dance. Well - especially if they're as fat and/or retarded as this year's selection was.
May 6, 2008
Gossip Girl: Mostly About My Brother... Oh, And That Dude I Killed.
This week on Gossip Girl, we finally get the answers to who is gay, and what dirt Georgina has on Serena. While one of the answers a lot of us saw coming, the other one is a truly jaw-dropping moment (hint: it's not the answer to who's gay).
"I'm confused... then which one is it?"
May 5, 2008
Step It Up and Dance: Mr. Mistoffelees Steps Up to the Plate
Breaking News: Broadway still flamingly gay
Reality gets turned on its head this week. Straight Men give better musical theatre action than the gay boys and Mean Gay isn't even the most annoying one in the house. What is happening on Step It Up and Dance? Nomi is either doing some voodoo with those eyes or those straight boys aren't as butch that they claim to be...Let's find out on Step It Up and Dance!