Is there an echo in here? Am I the only one still watching this thing? Okay. So things at Paradise Hotel haven't been the same without the excitement of body shots, government metaphors, and awesome underdogs like Charla and the Barbies ruled the roost, but we're sticking this thing through till the finish, right? So today I present a special image-driven recap, partly because I myself am over it, but mostly because it just amused me. Welcome to Internet Sensation Paradise. Don't let your children read this.

"I only married you for your money!"
"I know. And once those start to sag, I'm trading you in for a younger model."

This week we get all kinds of psycho-drama with our past-life regressing, genital switching, chihuahua loving contestants. It's definitely a chow down, face stuffing week, so grab your booze and chips and take the jump...

My husband thinks he's a chihuahua. A chihuahua, I tell you.

Being rich means never having to say you'll practice proper hair maintenance.

You have so much promise! If only you could cry...

Quick! The women are telling all!

So I tried, I really tried to come up with anything to say about The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, but seriously, there was nothing new. Stacey was back to explain how embarrassed she was about being such a drunken freak show on the first episode and then as an apology gift she gave Matt a pair of granny panties. Marshana showed up in something other than a sari and claimed to be misunderstood, and Robin showed up in a top pretending it was a dress and said it's been fun to watch Matt in the last couple of episodes and see him look so happy. Nice try, Robin.

Lesson One: Do not try to steal Amanda's boyfriend. She will make you pay.

"It's 2 o'clock in the morning, that gives us 5 hours until your next meeting." Whoa, does Betty work in my department, because that sounds familiar.

"How can you sound so chipper, we've been up until 2am for the last 5 nights?" If you've been up until 2am five nights in a row, you're chipper because you are crazy and running on fumes. Trust me. Betty is all excited because if it's past midnight, Mode pays to send her home in a town car which is "pretty cool" they have free water. I would have thought the safety of not being attacked would have been the cool part. She tells Daniel to stay away from the mini-bar. Thank God he's sober this season.

Betty's getting another call...check caller ID, girl! She clicks over and "BETTY!" Screams Crazy Town Renee. "Daniel isn't home yet and I'm worried." How about trying his phone, psycho stalker? Betty tells her she has him on the other line and Renee demands to be put through to him. Can you do that with a cell phone? Mine is from 2000 - doesn't even have a colored screen, people. Betty wants to go over his schedule with him first, but Renee's all about the crazy now, and she must speak to him RIGHT NOW. Betty conferences Daniel in.

Not the three-way Betty was hoping for!]]> http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/ugly-betty/recap-ugly-bett-3-6937.php http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/ugly-betty/recap-ugly-bett-3-6937.php Ugly Betty Wed, 07 May 2008 23:10:20 -0800

America learns the proper way to give a hickey.

Dear Seabreath,

Why does my vote matter more this week? It would only matter more if fewer people were voting, but that doesn't appear to be the case since you claimed that 45 million people voted last week. I may be the only Asian kid alive who can't do calculus, but I still think this is Fetus's American Idol title to lose. No matter what I do, I can't rock the vote!

You know how on every show, the episode after a big shitstorm episode nothing really happens? Sort of a breather, a catch-up episode? I wanted to say that tonight's show was one of those... only not enough happened last week to classify it as such. Just the same level-5 drama we've come to expect. I don't know how it happened, but I actually missed Kelly Cutrone. But it's okay, still plenty of shit to make fun of. Join us, won't you, for another half hour of our heroines bobbling around in flowy dresses that don't show off their well-earned (or bought) bodies and makeup-addled faces? Welcome to The Hills, y'all!

This week on Dancing with the Stars we recover from last weeks high drama (injuries and prom queens gone mad!!) - and jump right into ballroom! And this week dancers are allowed ONE LIFT! Ladies and Gentlemen - prepare yourselves for bloodshed!

I love ballroom night! Everyone's all dressed up - with careers that have no place to go. And just look at this line up! Asian, White, Black, Latino - it's like a dancing United Colors of Benetton ad! Apparently it's true - white men cannot dance. Well - especially if they're as fat and/or retarded as this year's selection was.

"I'm confused... then which one is it?"