TVgasm Recaps

New feature alert! Starting today, we'll be providing links to various television news stories from around the web. In a spate of writer's block and uncreativity ("uncreativity"? It isn't even a word! Man, this will be a long day), I've named this feature the "Daily 'Gasm," but I'm open to more clever suggestions. In the meantime...

• Jean Smart joins the cast of 24. Might this be the first sign of a Designing Women crossover? I can see it now: Delta Burke is the villain, Dixie Carter is the CTU bureaucrat, Annie Potts is Jack's girlfriend (natch), and Meshach Taylor, well, he can just continue to be the ambiguously gay guy who pops in to roll his eyes. I think we got a winning season! [Variety]


• Katie Couric mulls leaving the Today Show. Crossing fingers for another Debra Norville disaster. [AP]


• Anyone catch Stephen A. Smith's new show, Quite Frankly? If you didn't, ESPN will be airing it 35 times in the next two hours. Yeah, even I don't know how they do it. [New York Times]


• Fox announces that it will podcast recaps of its television shows. Pretty smart idea. TVgasm is still funnier. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• Our friend Mark Lisanti at Defamer was profiled in the Los Angeles Times this weekend. And hey, we even got a shout out. [Los Angeles Times]

• Don't SHUT IT DOWN! Hell's Kitchen's ratings last night were hot! [Hollywood Reporter]


• Not to worry, everyone. She's OK! The AP wire announces that Jennifer Aniston is resilient! Well, THANK GOODNESS. Now I can get back to my day without thinking, "I wonder how Jennifer Aniston is holding up?" Unfortunately, still no answers on the "Do you think Dwayne misses Rerun and Shirley?" front. [AP]


• I Don't Wanna Be...Bo Bice right now. He broke his foot. Looks like he'll have some problems driving that Vehicle of his. Man, I am en fuego! [AP]


• Doug Liman (The Bourne Identity, Swingers, The OC) and his company, Hypnotic, sign a two-year deal with NBC. Pleeeease save this network. I NEED A GOOD SITCOM. [Hollywood Reporter]


• Where do pretty stars go to die? Lifetime TV! And for good reason. Rob Lowe and Julia Ormand's Beach Girls brought in a tide of viewers. [Mediaweek]


• HBO repackages its Sex and the City DVD set for the new low price of $300. I believe Samantha once said that women with candles are the new women with cats. Well, I'm pretty sure women with this DVD set are now the new women with candles. [Variety]

Note: I will not be posting links to Variety due to their subscription requirements.

• Chappelle's Show is done, according to Charlie Murphy. But don't worry. Because of his two season stint as a cast member, Charlie's career has taken off. Just think. If only he'd been able to align with a super-popular black comedian earlier in his career. In other news, Eddie Murphy is sipping a cocktail. [AP]


• NBC needs a new comedy pilot, and it needs one now. That's why the network is inviting comedy writers to submit scripts. Wow. Courting comic writers? Are they nuts? What are they trying to do? Find a comedy? [Reuters via Defamer]


• Don Knotts alert! Bust out your candles and get ready to vigil. The octogenarian actor is ailing. Couldn't even fly to North Carolina for his own festival and parade. Keep fighting, Don! [AP]


• ESPN 2 plans to air ESPN Hollywood, a show about sports and entertainment. The series aims to profile such news items as Eva Longoria's romance with Tony Parker or Britney Spears' interest in NASCAR, all with a format like Access Hollywood or Entertainment Tonight. Other possible titles for the show: Access Hollywood or Entertainment Tonight. [Reuters]


• And let's not forget those weekly ratings. CBS won the week in viewers and tied with Fox in the 18-49 year old demographic. Hey, that's us! [Hollywood Reporter]

• Looks like Dr. Phil's gonna be around for a long, long, long time. His contract's been renewed through 2014. I don't know who'll be left to scold by then. Maybe he'll just start berating shrubbery and household appliances. [Mediaweek]


• The Martha remains a caged animal. Her home confinement has been extended three weeks. Now that's a good th-- oh never mind. It's played out. [AP]


• The New York Times jumps on the "Look at the D-listers!" bandwagon and writes a gossipy she-said / she-said piece on Janice Dickinson and Omarosa. The big scoop: they hate each other. Fantastic. [New York Times]


• Here's some food for thought: Starved has eating disorder groups up in arms. But where was the flack over Kimberly's 30 minute bulimia on Diff'rent Strokes? Poor Arnold. He got blamed for eating the whole cake too... [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Reality Blurred lays the smackdown on Gawker for its Laguna Beach detective work. Blog war! [Reality Blurred]

• CBS won't allow multiple voting for Big Brother's America's Choice competition. I don't care. I'm still voting thirty times for Kaysar after I'm done with this post. [Reality Blurred]


• Bob Novak apologizes for cursing on the air. In the wake of his meltdown, CNN has suspended the surly reporter indefinitely. Geesh. Imagine what would happen if he did something crazy like out a CIA agent? Oh wait... [AP]


• The Golden Globes move to Monday to avoid competition with Desperate Housewives. A risky move. You know how hard it is to pry viewers away from Still Standing. [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Proving that he's never too afraid to shill, Snoop Dogg is pairing up with the biggest Crip of all: Lee Iacocca. The two are currently appearing in Chrysler ads together to tout the company's employee-pricing program. Apparently, Iacocca plans to pistol-whip us, dip us, then flip us with savings. [AP]


• Desperate House-putas: Telemundo and Univision battle for novela dominance. [Washington Post]


• Weekends at the DL premieres tonight on Comedy Central. [ed. note -- it premiered last weekend. Eh, you win some, you lose some] It's got to be better than Mind of Mencia, right? [New York Times]

• ABC News anchor Peter Jennings dies. [AP]


• Feel like mourning over fictional characters instead? Six Feet Under is always a good place to start. [New York Times]


• More bad news: Sagewalk doesn't work! "Angry Punk" Isaiah spraypaints racial slurs on some kid's house. Looks like it's time for that other Brat Camp, a.k.a. JAIL. [AP]


• Dane Cook is finally getting his own TV show. The Sony Pictures Television pilot has been named Cooked, just barely edging out my suggestions, "The Great Dane", "Too Many Cooks in the Comedy" and "Cookie". [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• Paula Abdul backs out of So You Think You Can Dance, citing her hectic schedule. Other time commitments include seal-clapping at Sea World, various hit-and-run court dates, and, of course, being crazy. [AP]

• Monday Night Football's last season on ABC premiered last night as the Bears and Dolphins duked it out (Bears won). Unfortunately, no one seemed to really tune in. Man, remember the days when a meaningless pre-season game between two lackluster teams in the middle of summer actually meant something? For shame. [Hollywood Reporter]


• Maybe the football fans were bracing for a different sort of pigskin on their TVs: Madden 2006 hits stores today. See you in four months, potential television viewers... [NY Post]


• Perhaps hoping to pull youngsters away from their Playstations, ABC enlists the Rolling Stones to promote Monday Night Football. This is all just one big mess, isn't it? [Variety]


• Speaking of Monday night footballers, looks like former soccer player Gordon Ramsey will be back for more berating. Fox officially picked up Hell's Kitchen for a second season. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• Here's the verdict: NBC is guilty of airing a dumb show. The Law Firm is sentenced to life on Bravo. [Mediaweek]


• We're not the only ones with mixed emotions. The Los Angeles Times (the "Tried To Stab His Brother" of newspapers) slams Brat Camp for exploiting troubled teens for ratings. [LA Times]


• Ellen's taking her show on the road. Literally. She plans to film entire episodes in different towns and cities across America. This might be the most exciting thing to happen since Foreigner announced its summer tour. [NY Post]

• The Academy rethinks its stance on pre-taped acceptance speeches at The Emmys. Unfortunately, the nominations are still the same. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• Actress Barbara Bel Geddes (Dallas, Vertigo) dies at 82. And of course Dallas fanatic Marc Berman has an obit. He does not, however, quietly endorse Yes, Dear as usual. [Mediaweek]


• This house is not a home. A look at the real stories behind reality houses. [USA Today via Yahoo]


• CBS picks up Love Monkey to be a midseason replacement. Back in the day, my boss and I peddled this book around to the studios (with a major actor attached to boot), but no one "got it." That's okay. I didn't want to be a producer anyway. [Variety]


• Well, this makes no sense. Videogame channel G4 buys the rights to failed Fox action show, Fastlane. Mmmmm... muddled brand... [Hollywood Reporter]


• Yesterday, we noted that The Rolling Stones would be shilling for ABC. Today, CBS busts out its own blockbuster promoter: WILLIAMS SONOMA. Oh, it's already been broughten! [Hollywood Reporter]


• ABC plans to air a Peter Jennings special tonight at 8 PM. Just warning you, it'll probably make you sad. [AP]


• Guess what? Now the New York Times jumps on the bandwagon and bashes Brat Camp too! [New York Times]

• Stephen Bochco to develop a police drama for The WB. Finally. Something fresh. [Variety]


• Oh yeah. Stephen Bochco to develop a legal drama for Fox too. This guy is on a roll. What's next? A medical drama? Can't wait! [Hollywood Reporter]


• The Sopranos next season might be longer than ever before. Don't they tell us this every year? [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• Some ungrateful orphans are suing Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. The article is a bit vague as to why, but I think it's because they've been traumatized by Ty Pennington's soul-patch. I could be wrong though. [AP]


• Simon Cowell and ABC are getting sued too. Their upcoming reality show, The Big Idea, allegedly ripped off some people from Minnesota. Their reality show: The Big Idea, Ya? [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Speaking of ABC, Mountain Wind and Little Big Bear and Burning Feces took a break as Brat Camp was preempted last night for a Peter Jennings tribute. The special raked in over nine million viewers, coming in first place. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Ooops! Forgot to mention that the new cast of Survivor was revealed yesterday at CBS.com. (Sorry for the tardiness, but if it's any consolation, I did see Amazon's Jenna Morasca and Heidi at the mall yesterday.) The network says there'll be two big surprises in store for this cast, thus leading pundits to surmise that former castaways Stephenie and Bobby Jon might return. Hopefully the twist will be more impressive than last season's one-night same-beach fiasco. [CBS Press Release via Reality Blurred]


• Virginia Heffernan weighs in with an enjoyably academic review of Laguna Beach, noting that the show "has something of the visual momentum of great Italian film." Another comment like that, Virginia, and we're like totally done-zo. [New York Times]


• Jon Voight to play the pope in CBS's upcoming miniseries. Is it me, or does this feel slightly un-Christian? [Variety]


• Wilmer Valderrama has a new MTV show called Yo Momma where he'll cross the country to find the best trash-talkers. The show will air daily in the afternoons for four straight weeks before a champion trash-talker is crowned (possibly with a Fedora). [Hollywood Reporter]


• Miguel Nunez, most famous for his seminal turn in Juwanna Mann, will be joining the cast of Joey. Producers say Joey "needed a peer he can hang out with and share things with. (The character also will) broaden the landscape and give (Joey) more places to go and more places to be funny... We'll be back to the old fun Joey, who'll be getting into a lot of stuff" I CANNOT wait! Let's add a gay neighbor and a wisecrackin' 8-year-old too! [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• David E. Kelley is writing a new dramedy about morning TV shows. I wonder if it will take place in Boston? And maybe have a strong dose of legal, medical, and school drama? [Hollywood Reporter]

• Dearest poptart Ashlee Simpson will try to do some damage control by hosting and performing on Saturday Night Live this fall. This will be in conjunction with her new CD, tentatively titled "Seriously, I Suck." [Page Six via Yahoo]


• Paula Abdul has been cleared from the Corey Clark charges. In response, the singer clapped like a seal and thanked the independent investigation, saying "You really made this investigation your own. Great. Just great." [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Speaking of Paula, her on-air cohort Ryan Seacrest will be co-hosting Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve. It's fortunate because we're pretty sure Dick Clark is dead. [AP]


• Teen Choice Awards were last night. They air tomorrow on Fox, but if you must know the winners, check out this article. [AP]


• In other award show news, Ellen DeGeneres will be hosting this year's Emmys. Too bad. I was looking forward to more awkward Gary Shandling humor. [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Vive La Resistance! Oh wait, it's being produced by Ben Affleck. Never mind. [Variety]

• She's baaaaack. Kathie Lee Gifford is returning to television as a special correspondent on Pat O'Brien's syndicated entertainment television show, The Insider. Evidently, O'Brien's voicemail campaign promising Kathy Lee free booze, coke and hookers finally paid off. [USA Today]


• The New York Times gushes once again over Entourage. I will admit, I've enjoyed this season more than last, but come on, take a cold shower Gray Lady. [New York Times]


• Luckily, Virginia Heffernan keeps it real with her negative review of Tommy Lee's new show. [New York Times]


• Comedy Central plans to go behind the scenes with comics. Just please stay away from Carrot Top. [Reuters]


• Speaking of Comedy Central, the network has ordered three new episodes of Mind of Mencia. Seriously, have the execs over there even seen this show? It makes George Lopez look funny. [Mediaweek]

• Virginia Heffernan (or V. Heff, as I like to affectionately call her) lays the smackdown on Bravo's Battle of the Network Reality Stars, premiering tonight. Here's a sampling of her platitudes: "There's very little chance that you're planning to watch 'Battle of the Network Reality Stars' on Bravo tonight, but if you are, do not," "[The show is a] boring goof," and finally, "'Battle of the Network Reality Stars' is terrible. Skip it." But tell us how you really feel. [New York Times]


• Here's a tough moral dilemma. One of the most annoying and talentless television personalities out there needs an organ. What's more important: good TV or saving Steven Cojocaru's life? I suppose life wins. Barely. [AP]


• Hey! The fall shows are almost here! And this year, they're gonna be original! Well, kind of. Okay, not at all. But at least NBC is going the pun-route with a fertility drama called Inconceivable. Rimshot! [AP]


• Because watching Cameron Diaz cavort around the Third World was so damn enthralling, MTV will now air Angelina Jolie's visit to Africa. [AP]


• Last night's episode of Big Brother may have been painful to watch, but it sure was a winner. #1 for 18-49 year olds. [Hollywood Reporter]


• FX renews Morgan Spurlock's 30 Days. Still waiting for the next season of Son of the Beach... [Hollywood Reporter]

• It was only a matter of time before a long, hard object slapped Eva Longoria in the face. [AP]


• The Artist Formerly Known As P. Diddy has changed his moniker yet again. The Making The Band 2 star will henceforth be known simply as Diddy. Is it me, or does that sound like British slang for something? Actually it kind of is. According to the dubious Urbandictionary.com, "Diddy" can be "a fat barstard with a violent attitude," "a small man with poofy hair," "a woman's breast," or my favorite, "a little toiletry." [AP]


• NBC reveals the cast for The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. Plus, we get a glimpse of other WASPy touches like the "conference room" instead of a "boardroom" and a "loft" instead of "suite." So psyched. [NBC via Reality Blurred]


• Speaking of Martha, she's got a new talk show coming out this fall too. It will feature segments on cooking, gardening, crafts, and of course, shanking your bitch. [AP]


• So You Think You Can Dance? wins the Wednesday ratings. Man, can't wait for the fall schedule. [Hollywood Reporter]


• Shunned from ESPN, the beleaguered NHL takes its bidness to OLN where it will join other impressive sports such as bass fishing, deer hunting, and rodeo...ing. I guess it sort of fits... [Hollywood Reporter]

• John O'Hurley and Kelly Monaco will be having a grudge-match dance-off next month to finally set the record straight as to who truly deserves a chintzy trophy. I really wish I could mock this, but I know I'll be tuning in. Very sad. [AP]


• The new cast of America's Next Top Model has been revealed. With any luck, maybe they'll actually look like models this season. [UPN]


• The Guiding Light returned to production today after a mercury scare brought the soap to a halt. Apparently it was CBS's really passive-aggressive way of trying to cancel the show. [AP]


• CBS News has been seeking input from interns to revamp its format. I'm pretty sure this is how we wound up with Current TV. [AP]


• And since we can never get enough CBS, the network won last night in the ratings, thanks to Big Brother, CSI, and Without a Trace. [Hollywood Reporter]


• Reggie Miller will be joining Charles Barkley on TNT as a basketball analyst. I'm sure the network chose him because he's a future Hall-of-Famer, but honestly, I think they just wanted to see a really fat man and a really skinny man sit next to each other. Who doesn't? [Mediaweek]

• Six Feet Under ended last night, and according to everyone who watched the finale, it was a four-hanky special. Let me guess: someone died. [New York Times]


• The producers of Princes of Malibu are upset that the show's obvious fakeness didn't play as funny as they thought. Maybe that's because reality shows aren't supposed to be FAKE! [Los Angeles Times via Reality Blurred]


• With The Contender finding a new home on ESPN, the sports network plans to air a re-match of some sort. This would be awesome if I actually watched the show. Besides, the only re-matches I plan to watch involve John O'Hurley. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• The delightfully twisted Wonder Showzen has been picked up for a second season. Finally, more letter-on-number sodomy. [Mediaweek]


• Chris Elliot might be making his first foray into primetime TV since Get A Life. I'm pretty sure that's a good thing. [Variety]


• New York Times columnist Alessandra Stanley reveals just how disconnected she is with youth culture by writing "Current [TV] is not a joke. It actually lives up to its billing." And yes, she also uses the words "fresher" and "interesting." Ultimately, she concludes, "it is at least one youth-oriented cable network that does not dance to the tune of the 82-year-old Sumner Redstone, the chairman of Viacom." So says the thirtysomething reviewer. [New York Times]

• Maria Menounos -- our favorite Latina-looking Greek -- has left Entertainment Tonight for Access Hollywood. Mary Hart, meanwhile, has left Entertainment Tonight for the plastic surgeon's office. [AP]


• CBS already has a TV movie in the works about the BTK killer. I'm sure network television will really do this story justice too... Is it me, or does "BTK Killer" sound like a new item at Burger King? [AP]


• Some guy is suing ABC because he claims he came up with the idea of Lost back in 1977 (a.k.a. when J. J. Abrams was 11 years old. Bastard!). The writer alleges that he came up with the idea of airplane survivors encountering strange things on an island. Sounds like a watertight case! Now, if you excuse me, I'm gonna go back to reading Lord of the Flies... [E! Online via Yahoo]


• FX orders third season of Rescue Me. Cool. [Mediaweek]


• Never underestimate the power of Middle America. Studies suggest that the new Jennifer Love Hewitt drama Ghost Whisperer will be a hit. Studies also suggest that people are IDIOTS. [Hollywood Reporter]


• Concerned about America's youth? Well, you should be. MTVu has introduced a potpourri of "celebrity professors" including Martha Stewart, Kanye West, Melissa Etheridge, and Deputy Israeli Prime Minister Shimon Peres. No word on whether or not college students might learn from the treasure trove of wisdom that is Sway. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Martha Stewart's daughter will serve as an advisor on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. However, still no word on what role her prison bitch will play. [AP]


• Martha better bring in big numbers for NBC because they're pretty much screwed. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• But don't worry, Peacock. PBS is struggling too! [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• Okay, okay. Things aren't all bleak for NBC. The Weitz Brothers (American Pie, About A Boy) have signed a two year pact with NBC Universal Televisions Studios -- or "NUTS" as Variety affectionately calls it. [Variety]


• The Los Angeles Times tries to go all Virginia Heffernan-ish by calling the cast members of Rockstar: INXS "great cultural anthropologists." It's funny. I always thought Dave Navarro was the next Levi-Strauss. [Los Angeles Times]


• Oh, and by the way, no one's watching TV this summer -- except the people who have suddenly made Navy NCIS a top-ten show. WTF? [Los Angeles Times]


• Hey Middle America, get ready to vote! Here's a HILARious contest just for you! [AP]

• Reality producers and the WGA are suing Fox and crap-factory Rocket Science Laboratories for various offenses such as abusing overtime laws and doctoring timecards. Rocket Science stages something? Why I never! [Hollywood Reporter]


• Punky Brewster has spawned! Soleil Moon Frye is a proud mother (and people my age now feel really old). [USA Today]


• "America's Choice" returns to Big Brother this Thursday. Don't know what the prize is, but everyone vote for Janelle. [Reality Blurred]


• Paramount is making a movie about The Battle of the Network Stars (whose latest incarnation stars such luminaries as Coral Smith, Sue Hawk, and Wendy Pepper). The new version will be about a wronged network exec who must find redemption by winning this beloved competition. Yes, it's all the zaniness of Dodgeball mixed with the insidery joy of a corporate memo. Can't wait! [Variety]


• Brian Williams has a blog, and the New York Times loves it! Hey, where's the love, Gray Lady? [New York Times]


• CSI scribe Josh Berman gets a pilot deal for his new missing-persons show, Vanished, not to be confused with Without A Trace or Missing. [Variety]


• After last week's NHL coup, OLN is in negotiations to land major league lacrosse coverage. Lacrosse? Hockey? Let's just rename this the Philips Exeter Academy Channel and be done with it. (Oh yeah, they have rodeo too. Never mind..) [Mediaweek]

• Oh no she di'int! Oprah is furious that people are accusing her of snubbing Ebony founder John H. Johnson's funeral. It wasn't a snub. She was in Hawaii, dammit! In other news, John H. Johnson was buried in an Hermès coffin. [AP]


• Following in the footsteps of Jean Smart, Sean Astin joins the cast of 24. So we have a hobbit and a Designing Woman fighting terrorists. Best season ever? [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Hurricane Katrina (what a sexy bitch) crashes the VMAs, effectively shutting down all sorts of MTV parties and promotional events. Can't wait for the next ten years of VMA specials featuring producers acting as if they survived WWII. [Hollywood Reporter]


• UPN launches a huge marketing campaign for Everybody Hates Chris, the new critically-acclaimed Chris Rock comedy. And when's it airing? Thursdays at 8 PM. Great. Because I'm not already watching three different shows then. [Variety]


• An Oklahoma news anchor sues her ex-husband Bryan Abrams of 1990s supergroup Color Me Badd (yeah, the double D makes you really, really bad). This is going to be embarrassing for everyone involved. [AP]


• The Martha Stewart publicity blitz continues. The New York Times checks out her groovy ankle bracelet. [New York Times]

• Critics are raving about Prison Break, and I, for one, cannot wait. Only downside: Brett Ratner directed the premiere. Ouch. Very ouch. [Reviews at New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today]


• Oh yeah, the VMAs were last night. Green Day won, Suge Knight got shot, and Eva Longoria LOVES hurricanes! [New York Times]


• Radar Magazine has an "exposé" about what really happened behind the scenes on Kill Reality: drunken hookups and phone calls from Clay Aiken. Wow. Way to bust the lid off that one! [Radar Magazine]


• This is pretty cool. The Detroit News has a "Build Your Own Sitcom" board game. And yes, NBC execs are already playing rigorously. [Detroit News]


• TVgasm neighbor McG will be developing a modern take on 21 Jumpstreet for The WB. We can't wait to not watch it. [Variety]


• ABC is planning to bring back This Is Your Life. Man, this has Tom Bergeron written all over it! [Hollywood Reporter]

• Charlize Theron to star in five episodes of Arrested Development. Mystic Tanning supplies reportedly arriving at the set by the truckload. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• Ralph Macchio has inked a deal with The N to be the creator of a new teen drama about two runaway girls. The series remains untitled, but we'd like to suggest, "Ralph H. Macchio's Girls on the Run," "Girls Will Be Girls, By Ralph Macchio" or simply "Ralph." [PR Newswire]


• The Improv Olympic marks its 25th anniversary. Yay! [AP]


• Prison Break wins big for Fox. Just goes to show, people LOVE popsicle stick Taj Mahals![Hollywood Reporter]


• The New York Times continues its rabid fixation with all things Laguna Beach. [New York Times]

• The Donald resurfaces to plug his version of The Apprentice (affectionately known by me as "Apprentice Classic"). In a New York Times article, Trump claims that he hated season three's cast and therefore decided to cast the next installment all by himself. He even flew to Los Angeles to meet with prospective candidates in person. And no visit to the TVgasm offices? For shame, Donald! [New York Times]


• And speaking of that new cast, the New York Post has all the info. This season will feature the first openly gay candidate (not to be confused with last season's not-so-openly gay Alex). [New York Post via Reality Blurred]


• Good Apprentice news always comes in threes. Martha Stewart's losing the ol' ball and chain tonight, quite literally. [AP]


• Viewership for the VMAs was down sharply this year. Also down sharply: R. Kelly's one-man-show Tony bid. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• Rummy to appear on Letterman next week. This will be awkward. [AP]

• The networks rush to put together their Katrina telethons. But as NBC reminds us, the only thing more important than charitable causes are high ratings... [Variety]


• And FYI, here is more info on the other telethons. [AP via Defamer]


• Meanwhile, development season has already begun for fall 2006. What gems might the Stephen's Life kids come up with this time around? [Mediaweek]


• You know what would be funny? A sitcom about terrorists. Oh wait, it's already been written! But we'll never see it. [New York Times]


• Nick Lachey to contribute to ESPN's College Gameday. WTF? First they hire Mario Lopez for ESPN Hollywood and now this? ESPN LOVES diluting its brand! [AP]


• Alessandra Stanley, proponent of Current TV, blows the lid off new gay-themed channels Logo and Here!. Basically, they're like everything else in the cable universe, except without the rampant homophobia. SHOCKING. [New York Times]

• Maybe to atone for hiring Mario Lopez and Nick Lachey, ESPN and ESPN2 will be giving away 100 HDTVs. Where do I sign up? [Mediaweek]


• CBS gets fresh like (unh) Impala (unh). The network will imbed the Chevrolet Impala logo in its premiere week lineup AND give away one every night. Take THAT, ESPN HDTV giveaway! Stupid Mario Lopez... [Mediaweek]


• In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, ABC pulls the promos for Invasion, a sci-fi show about the aftermath of, er, a hurricane. Now it's just a really bad windstorm. [Reuters]


• Stop the presses!! Reba has been delayed for a salary dispute! I'm sure this will really upset all five of its viewers in Tennessee. [Variety]

• Bob Denver has died. Sad. [AP]


• Ten pages of Les Moonves action. What I learned: Julie Chen LOVES Feng Shui! [New York Times. Also, read the recaps at Defamer and Gawker]


• Entourage captivates the New York Times. Again. This time more agents are gushing about Ari. Says UTA partner Jay Sures, "When you're on the inside like we are, good water-cooler television is hard to find." WELL. Thank god for that! I think Jay Sures just had a TVgasm. [New York Times]


• The WB plans to skew older, and according to their new comedies, less funny. [New York Times]


• I've always felt Danny Bonaduce was a talentless douchebag. Now I can add suicidal onto that description also. When his wife asked for a divorce -- on their reality show, mind you -- he slit his wrists. Please, people, don't feed the monster. It's time for this man to leave the spotlight once and for all. Don't watch his new show. [New York Times]


• The New York Times gets funny and bashes E!, highlighting Tara Reid in particular and her vast knowledge of Greek mythology: "Pericles? Is he the guy that did the thing with the potatoes?" [New York Times]


• Wow. This is sad. The Emmys add "Emmy Idol" to the award telecast where stars such as Kristen Bell and William Shatner compete for our hearts by singing classic TV theme songs. This is just wrong. I cannot wait. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Oprah Winfrey tours the devastation in New Orleans. Amazingly, she's still denied from Hermès on Canal Street. They really don't like her. [USA Today]


• Are you ready for some football? I think you are because ESPN's preseason ratings have been up 28%. [Mediaweek]


• Speaking of football, Kanye West promises he'll stick to music on tomorrow's NFL season opener concert. In other news, he'll be premiering his new song, "I HATE GEORGE BUSH." [AP]


• Surreal Life cast member Jose Canseco is making a bid to be America's next new action star. Awesome! If only it were 1988. [Los Angeles Times]


• Program your Tivos. Martha Stewart to appear on Letterman next week. [Hollywood Reporter]


• More information on "Emmy Idol." Aside from Kristen Bell and William Shatner, other performers include Megan Mullally, Gary Dourdan, Macy Gray, and... Donald Trump? Best worst idea EVER! [AP]


• If you missed Big Brother last night, you were in the minority. Janelle's veto-winning performance was the most watched show of the night. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]

• In anticipation of tonight's season premiere of The OC, the Los Angeles Times runs an article on Melinda "Mindy" Clarke's typical weekend in LA/The OC. This puff piece is full of hilarious gems, thanks to the pseudo-WASPy tone Ms. Clarke employs to describe every detail: "My husband likes to take our daughter to CityWalk at Universal City, but I think places like that and amusement parks should only be done after September and before June." She then added, "Dahhling!" [Los Angeles Times]


• Bill Rancic announces that he'll be leaving Trump's side when his contract expires this spring. Well, wouldn't you if you were offered a starring role in The Scorned 2??? [AP]


• Have we mentioned how excited we are for Reunion? Bonus points for taking place in B-Side's home turf of Bedford, NY. [New York Times]


• Star Jones to weigh down the red carpet for E!. Kathy Griffin will be on hand as well, but based on last night's hilarious finale of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, chances are the comedienne will be located about two miles away at some dingy sports bar in Koreatown. So very wrong, E!. [AP]


• But seriously, what is the deal with E!? Not only do they favor Star Jones over Kathy Griffin, now we hear that the Gastineau Girls has been picked up for a second season. Why? Who ARE these women??? [Hollywood Reporter]


• Don't worry. For every action there's a reaction. Comedy Central picks up South Park for three more seasons. [Mediaweek]

• Get your DVRs ready. There's another Katrina telethon tonight, and this time, it's on all the networks. C'mon Kanye. You've got at least five times the audience. Give us something good! [AP]
• ABC announces that the network will air all of its primetime telecast in Spanish. WASPy Diane Sawyer en Español? Sounds like Must-See TV to me. [AP]
• Survivor winner Richard Hatch has been indicted for tax evasion and fraudulently using charitable donations for personal expenses. This probably all could have been avoided had he not insisted on walking naked around the IRS auditor. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Two months later, The New York Times finally has an analysis of Dancing With The Stars. [New York Times]
• Meanwhile, from the Fox rip-off department, we have the lineup for Celebrities on Ice. Among the future skaters are Deborah Gibson, Dave Coulier, Todd Bridges, and Kristy Swanson. As for the professionals, none other than Nancy Kerrigan will return to the spotlight for the big extravaganza. Todd Bridges is so taking her down with a lead pipe. [E! Online via Yahoo]
• Football won big last night while The OC and Reunion premiered to decent, if not spectacular numbers. The bad news for The OC: it was down nearly 19% from last year's premiere. The good news for Reunion: it retained 98% of its lead-in audience. And the best news for Les Moonves: CBS beat them both. [Mediaweek via Yahoo]

• Blackout in Los Angeles derails TVgasm for a few hours. And probably some television shows too. [AP]


• In an effort to emulate ABC's success last season, the networks are all pushing their most promising shows with heavy marketing campaigns. So basically, a show like Out of Practice not only looks bad, it actually is bad, according to the CBS marketing popularity contest. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• M. Stew is back! Martha's daily syndicated show hit the airwaves today! [AP]


• Wanna check out the live finale of Rockstar: INXS? Maybe meet the stars? Well, participate in this charity auction, and maybe you can. Live to dream! [Auctions for Change]


• Tina Fey has a baby girl. [AP]


• The Creative Arts Emmys were this weekend. One word: riveting. [AP]


• Bruce Willis to guest star on That '70s Show with Ashton Kutcher. In other news, Demi Moore loves screwing with her children. [Variety]

• Dave Chappelle is happy to be working clubs these days. Not as happy as Comedy Central, though. After all, they did find that diamond in the rough, Mind of Mencia! [AP]


• The people behind Prison Break are developing 21 Days, a dramedy about the twenty-one days leading up to... a wedding. Interestingly enough, shanks and shivs will still abound. [Variety]


• Wow. House is a dick on screen and off. [AP]


• Most people want fewer reality shows and more news, according to a new poll. Most people also watch Jay Leno. My point? Sometimes I don't agree with most people. [Hollywood Reporter and Breitbart.com]


• And in case you already didn't know, an Apprentice 4 star was not only a stripper, but a stripper who men killed over. Carolyn will NOT like that. [E! Online via Yahoo]

• We must protect this House! Why? Because the House is on FIRE! 'Uge ratings for its second season premiere. [Hollywood Reporter]


• The Olsen twins find male successors in the Sprouse twins, a.k.a. the cute little kid from Big Daddy. The guys are reportedly looking forward to a rabid fanbase of screaming girls and closeted boys.[AP]


• Lynda Carter joining the cast of Chicago. Props to the producers if they make her perform in a Wonder Woman costume. Just for one song at least. C'mon! [AP]


• ESPN gets MLB for eight years. Man, that's like a lifetime of steroid controversies. [Hollywood Reporter]


• Emmy fever is getting buckwild. But lo! Can we still enjoy an awards show amidst the tragedy that is Hurricane Katrina? Maybe the ceremony should go semi-formal again. You know, because THAT always helps. [Los Angeles Times]


• Best reality show ever? Think Big Brother meets a sheep. In Croatian. [Reuters]

• Donald Trump to appear on Days of Our Lives. It makes perfect sense. After all, Days of Our Lives is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY. [AP]


• The Food Network has picked up a second season of The Next Food Network Star, thus providing yet another opportunity to hear the mildest catchphrase on reality TV: "We'd love to have you back." [Mediaweek]


• Brandy and Nick Lachey sign talent deals at The WB. This really is stretching the definition of "talent." [Hollywood Reporter]


• Gus Van Sant to direct an episode of FX's upcoming series, The Ten Commandments. The show will be a modern take on the morals and ethics of those famous tablets. It's too bad though. I really was hoping for a Gerry take on Moses in the desert. [Variety]


• The New York Times profiles The Showbiz Show with David Spade which premieres tonight on Comedy Central. It's a fairly interesting article, if only for the random and unfunny use of the phrase, "Cool!" [New York Times]


• I pity the fool who gets caught up in I Pity The Fool, Mr. T's new reality show. Oh, what am I saying? I'm gonna totally watch. [USA Today]


• Anyone else sick of all the "Celebreality" on TV? Well guess what? There's more to come! [USA Today]

• USA Today makes their picks for who should win the Emmys. Clearly not as entertaining as the Golden Gasms. [USA Today]


• A man breaks the "couch potato" record by watching television for nearly 70 straight hours. The only downside: all he could watch was ABC. I'm not even joking. [AP]


• Survivor: Guatemala debuts to solid ratings. And lots of vomit. [Hollywood Reporter]


• ESPN to open a West Coast office here in Los Angeles. Good. Now they can cover all the football here. Oh wait... [Hollywood Reporter]

• The Emmys were last night. In case you missed it, Lost and Everybody Loves Raymond picked up the awards for Outstanding Drama and Comedy, respectively (although the amount of laughs for each show is certainly up for debate). The AP has the full list of winners. And, of course, there's always the TVgasm Live Blog. [AP]


• Looks like that Emmy Idol did the trick. Ratings were up this year! [Hollywood Reporter]


• The Hollywood Reporter analyzes the winners and losers of last night's ceremony. It's worth the read, just to see the writer become increasingly frustrated and angry. [Hollywood Reporter]


• And if you just can't get enough Emmy coverage, check out these generally unmemorable quotes from backstage. [Variety]

• Oprah and Hermes bury the hatchet. See, there's hope for mankind after all! [AP]


• John Stamos lands a guest gig on ER. Rebecca Romijn to marry Jerry O'Connell. You try to guess who is better off. [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Don't call it a comeback. Literally. HBO cancels The Comeback. Thank god. [E! Online via Yahoo]


• What's this? An interesting idea? NBC to adapt Friday Night Lights into a TV series. [Variety]


• Speaking of NBC, My Name Is Earl premieres tonight. If this show doesn't do well, heads will roll. Head will roll... [New York Times]

• Did you hear about this? The new Tivo software lets networks erase their programming off your DVR. Listen, when we said we loved Big Brother, we didn't mean like that. [AP]


• Signs o' life at NBC! My Name Is Earl gets big ratings. The Big Brother 6 finale, however, was "soft." That's probably because most of us stopped watching after Janelle left. [Variety]


• Also wrapping up last night was Rockstar: INXS, a show we just didn't have time to cover this summer. The big winner: J.D. Fortune. Mr. Fortune says he's looking forward to singing with the band and being forgotten. [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Hey, did you guys catch Extreme Makeover: Suicide Edition? Me neither. But this woman swears it happened. To her sister. [Hollywood Reporter]


• Shimmy shimmy cocoa what? Listen to it pound! Nelly's going down down, baby, yo' street in a reality show. I'm sure he wants us to watch it over and over again, but we'll only take a ride with him if his series makes it hot in herre. Aaand scene. [AP]

• USA Today hates on Martha but loves Lost [USA Today via Yahoo]


• Speaking of which, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart disappoints in the ratings. That's not a good thing. [Reuters]


• Oh, and by the way, Nip/Tuck outperformed ABC, UPN, and The WB on Tuesday night. [Mediaweek]


• What we learned from TV this year: things with "Current" in the title just are not that interesting. Yes, A Current Affair has been cancelled. In its place: Geraldo At Large. Sometimes, I hate TV. [Mediaweek]


• Talk about "too post-postmodern," the Los Angeles Times analyzes the scary and ironic JetBlue ordeal of yesterday, as related to TV, of course. [Los Angeles Times]

• It's official. John O'Hurley won the dance-off. Best two out of three? [E! Online]


• Great news for sitcoms. Everybody Hates Chris had a huge premiere, beating out Joey and The OC. Lesson learned: if you make it funny, they will come. [E! Online]


• And on the other end of the spectrum, Head Cases gets cancelled. Adam Goldberg + sitcom? Yeah, we saw that coming from miles away. [AP]


• Desperate Housewives returns to the airwaves on Sunday. Commence the backlash. [USA Today]


• Maybe the best sitcom news of all? The next season of Curb Your Enthusiasm premieres Sunday night. So much TV, so little time... [AP]

• Ashton and Demi reportedly tie the knot. And yes, that was a reference to marriage, not a Kabbalah string. [Reuters]


• Tough month for Nick-At-Nite. Don Adams of Get Smart dies at 82. [Reuters]


• Great. Meet Sprout, a network aimed specifically at toddlers. Also soon to be the MOST ANNOYING NETWORK EVER. [New York Times]


• Here's a shocker. Desperate Housewives has a huge season premiere. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Laura Bush to appear on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Wow, you know somebody's gotta be really hurting to get the First Lady. Maybe it's a blind, deaf, autistic, Iraq War veteran with one leg and cancer? [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Uh oh! Jennifer Gardner accidentally leaked the sex of her unborn child on the Tonight Show. I would tell you if it's a boy or a girl, but then I remembered that no one cares. [AP]


• Spike TV ends its illustrious career with wrestling. But you knew that already since you read TVgasm, right? [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• Commander In Chief does well in the ratings. Better than Amazing Race: Family Edition. Lesson for CBS: if it ain't broke, don't fix it. [Hollywood Reporter]


• Got an idea for a reality show? Take it to ABC! The network is looking for cheap shows to air on Saturday nights. Look, just bring Sorority Life back from MTV, and I guarantee I'll be watching. [Mediaweek]


• In case you haven't been following it, Current TV fan Alessandra Stanley has gotten into quite the dust-up with Geraldo Rivera after she falsely reported that he pushed an Air Force rescue worker out of the way to be on camera. This never would have happened with Virginia Heffernan. [USA Today]

• The good: Prison Break is picked up for a full season. That's right, twenty-two full episodes of butt-rape innuendo. [Mediaweek]


• The bad: Constantine has a new sitcom in development. I believe it'll be called, AWFUL. [People Magazine]


• The ugly: Star Jones was forced out of her red carpet duties for E!. Technically, this is good news, but anything having to do with Star has got to be ugly. [Page Six]


• Also on the ugly side: I hate giving this guy any more attention in his miserable life, but this is pretty cool. Danny Bonaduce is suing his former radio sidekick Jamie White. I don't know if any of you were so unlucky to hear "Jamie and Danny In The Morning," but seeing this implosion is nothing short of wonderful. [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Owen Wilson is developing a comedy for HBO. Luckily, there's no Constantine Maroulis involvement. [Variety]


• SNL starts its 31st season this weekend. Can't wait for Horatio Sanz to butcher more skits. In the meantime, check out this profile on Fred Armisen. [New York Times]

• Two agencies are suing Paramount over Frasier royalties. No word yet, but insiders expect this dispute to resolve itself after all involved parties attend a comically frantic, mildly gay dinner party. [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Steve-O makes a drunken fool of himself on Too Late with Adam Carolla. And this is supposed to be surprising? [E! Online via Yahoo]


• The creators of Child's Play and Desperate Housewives working together? Why that sounds craptastic! [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• Two writers from 24 create, and this is not a joke, 13 for Fox. This is the most exciting brand countdown since Monistat dropped from 7 all the way to 1. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]

• Sitcom star and former Late Night regular Nipsy Russell dies at 80. I once rode in an elevator with him and Charlie Rose. It was awesome. [Reuters]


• Conan to devote an entire show to U2. Could be cool. But it'll probably just be very annoying. [AP]


• Upstairs from Conan, in studio 8H, Ashlee Simpson returns to SNL this weekend to remind us once again how untalented she is. [E! Online]


• Conan rival Jimmy Kimmel's been re-upped for another year. [E! Online]


• Former Late Night head writer Jonathan Groff has inked a sitcom deal with NBC. [Hollywood Reporter]


• And Prison Break has its highest ratings yet. Doesn't have to do with Conan, but man, this show is kickass. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Start the scandal machine. Nick and Jessica are splitsville, according to Us Weekly. This is probably just Joe Simpson's latest diabolical scheme to promote Ashlee's upcoming SNL appearance. [ET on Yahoo]


• Here's a shocker. Related gets dissed by the critics. I've already been hating on this show for about four weeks, thanks to those annoying Jennifer Esposito billboards all over Los Angeles. [USA Today via Yahoo]


• Groan. The headline of this article reads, "George Lopez to supply ABC with more laughs." Why start now? [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo]


• I'll admit it. Ashton has great reality shows. His latest, The Fountain of Youth, pairs college seniors with senior citizens and puts them in an Amazing Race environment. Funny, I actually pitched a very, very similar idea to a major cable network. They didn't like it though. I guess that's what happens when you're name isn't Ashton. I'll still be watching. [Variety]

• After the sssssssstunning success of the live Will & Grace premiere, NBC plants itself firmly in the Alan Alda Overexposure Zone by planning a live West Wing on November 6. There will again be two different airings for the east and west coasts, but in a big middle finger to the red states, no special airing is planned for the Mountain time zone. [AP]
• Don't let's all shed a tear now, but Ted Koppel is leaving Nightline next month, after 25 years. But when your SNL parody character is twice as interesting than you are, it's time to go. [AP]
• Control triumphs over chaos as Stockard Channing fesses up to her DUI. [E! online]
• Apparently last's week's resignation as Disney CEO wasn't enough for Michael Eisner, who just abandoned his seat on the board of directors as well. I'm telling you, that place is a cult. [LA Times]
• As if he weren't already playing far enough out of his league, inexplicable-Gisele-Bündchen-lander-cum-onscreen-bladder-evacuator Leonardo DiCaprio is buying an apartment in the new Richard Meier building in Manhattan's West Village. [NY Post]
• The quality fall movie season is here, as Capote, Wallace and Gromit, Two for the Money, and Good Night, and Good Luck all open today. If you can't find something on that list that you like, you have problems.

• Erstwhile singer Boy George, now going by the name "Obese Pederast George," called police to his Manhattan apartment Friday to report that his home had been burglarized. But 1) the apartment had not been robbed, and 2) Man George was promptly arrested for having a bag of nose candy lying in plain sight. Incidentally, Rosie "Bus Sister" O'Donnell was found in the next room, unconscious in vat of marshmallows, clothed only in a burlap bra. [E! online]
• As sg-dub noted in the recap, ratings for Apprentice: Martha Stewart oddly went up last week, even as NBC put the show up against Lost. Meanwhile, producer Mark Burnett has his panties in a bunch because he feels NBC is underpromoting the show. [E! online]
• Madonna "Esther" Ciccone has royally pissed off the chosen people with all her "knowledge" of the Kaballah. The controversy is swirling around that scene in her new video where Jackie Mason and Fran Drescher tie her up in the bondage parlor with red string. [AP]
• Gawker reported that an online betting site cancelled all wagers on the Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey will-they-or-won't-they question because of a near-unanimous flood of "divorce" bets placed from the couple's respective hometowns. Don't you love pleasant surprises on a Monday? [Gawker]
• And as for you, Ashlee, I know you allegedly "sang" "for real" this weekend on SNL. But honey, things like changing your hair color and turning on the microphone don't mask the "no-talent-ass-clown" gene. [AP]

• Although nothing has been confirmed (so I may have to eat these words later), the new James Bond is allegedly Englishman Daniel Craig, who has been seen in Road to Perdition and Sylvia. He's supposed to be a great actor, so if they could just fire the damn screenwriters and get some new ones, maybe we could actually get a good film out of this series sometime in the next decade. [Evening Standard]
• Worryingly for the movie industry, a new study shows that the group that's abandoning theaters in the largest numbers (in favor of DVDs and video games) is the males-under-25 demographic, one of the studios' most important revenue sources. [Reuters]
• Blasphemous words on TVgasm, but are people getting bored with reality TV? Ratings for all shows, including stalwarts such as Survivor and The Apprentice, are way down this fall, just as they were for summer reality series. One of the most notable new failures has been Amy Grant's sap-fest Three Wishes—more evidence that reality TV and the Christian right do not mix. [Hollywood Reporter]
• The Strangers With Candy movie is having trouble finding a distributor, as Warner just dropped it out of concern that producers didn't obtain some of the necessary rights from Comedy Central. Fortunately, now that Jerri Blank will be on the Supreme Court, she can change copyright law to make this all a moot point. [Variety]
• And finally, in celebrity lingerie news, Britney Spears pulled her bra from eBay, where it had reached a price of more than $60,000 in an auction to benefit Katrina victims. According to a statement on her website, she was "concerned that some of you might be confusing this bra with something that it's not." Yeah, like something worth $60,000. [CNN]

• Somebody get me some ipecac and a trash can, because the Demi-Ashton wedding pictures are out. The cutest ones are the ones that show Bruce and Ashton taking off Demi's garter together. [AP]
• From the world of nonshocking nonsurprises, Jude Law and Sienna Miller are officially over. Frankly, I can't think of an actor whose image has plummeted so quickly since, well, Tom Cruise this summer. [CNN]
• And in the continuing saga of Boy/Man George, it appears that police found not one bag of cocaine but actually THIRTEEN bags in his apartment. Of course his lawyer says they're "not his." Yes, I'm sure it's all rubbish, some bloke off the street just dropped by the chemist's for a spot of nose candy and wee little Georgie O'Dowd had nothing to do with it. Maybe it was Kate Moss. Good show I say, good show. [BBC]

• Finally catching up to the fact that America tired of Paris Hilton months—nay, years—ago, Fox has cancelled The Simple Life. They blamed it on a very busy winter schedule, claiming they were just trying to make more room for classier programming like Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy. [E! online]
• Industry experts are scrambling to understand what Apple's new Video iPod means for the TV industry. As announced yesterday, users will be able to download ABC/Disney shows for $1.99 per episode, just like you can download music on iTunes. Between this and TiVo, I wouldn't choose TV-commercial directing as a career path anytime soon. [Variety]
• And yes, the producers will be announcing the new James Bond at a press conference tomorrow. Judi Dench is licking her chops already. Blofeld is PISSED. [AP]

• A leaked memo from the James Bond producers reveals that Hugh Jackman was passed over for the role because he was deemed "too fey." Apparently people really do take notice when you wear shiny gold pants and make grand entrances on a camel. [Times of London]
• Crushingly, The Simple Life may not be so dead after all. Dear, dear Paris made claims over the weekend that they're continuing with shooting and that "all the networks are fighting over it." Not so hot. [AP]
• In perhaps related news, Mary-Kate Olsen is officially taking a break from NYU. She plans to pursue other business, such as PLOTTING PINT-SIZE REVENGE ON THAT DOUBLE-CROSSING BITCH PARIS HILTON. [ABC]
• Not content to rest on the significant laurels that are Get Carter and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, near-sexagenarian Sylvester Stallone is planning Rocky VI, which will depict "an aging, widowed Rocky who is reluctant to get back in the ring but ends up doing it 'just to compete, not to win'." If that's not a preemptive attempt to lower expectations, I don't know what is. [AP]

• Tyra Banks has signed on for one final Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, to air in December on CBS. The show will broadcast from a specially constructed catwalk in front of Banks's new Paris apartment, located at the corner of Rue de la Stupidité and l'Avenue des Breasts-Gigants. [E! online]
• ABC News has decided that the outgoing Ted Koppel of Nightline will be replaced with three separate co-anchors. The team will consist of Terry Moran, Cynthia McFadden, and Martin Bashir, in a clear move to appeal to the boring, boring, and batshit pedophile demographics, respectively. [ABC]
• Inexplicably, former secretary of state Madeleine Albright just shot a cameo on Gilmore Girls. Next up, Donald Rumsfeld on Survivor: Abu Ghraib and Gale Norton on a special "let's hike Runyon Canyon" episode of The L Word. [AP]

• Donald Trump is blaming Martha Stewart for the decline in ratings on The Apprentice this season, claiming that having two editions of the show is a MINUS FORTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY that has "confused" viewers. I predict that the plate of poisoned amuse-bouches will arrive at Trump's office by 4pm, with the tasteful arrangement of white lilies to follow tomorrow. [NY Post]
• Botox-beast Joan Rivers has created quite a stir because of her spat with political commentator Darcus Howe, who tried to pick a racial fight with her on BBC Radio. Shockingly, Rivers was able to move her facial muscles enough to respond rather effectively. [BBC]
• Hurricane-cum-Matt-Drudge-lust-object Wilma has forced postponement of MTV's Latin America Music Awards, which were scheduled to take place at the Mexican beach resort of Playa del Carmen this week. When asked for comment, actress Salma Hayek blinked and responded, "Frida." [BBC]
• And in a nice twist of irony, Michael Jackson was just summoned for jury duty in Santa Barbara County. Since the self-proclaimed "King of Fop" is now living in Bahrain, he plans to send a shrieking, lycra-clad baboon emissary to be impaneled in his place. [AP]

• The Katie Holmes PR offensive/abomination continues. Appearing on Access Hollywood, she gushed, "It's a dream come true . . . I feel great, [being pregnant] is so beautiful." Uh, only if you lose the herpes, sweetcheeks. [AP]
• On the other side of that vile, vile coin, Tom Cruise has seen a not-so-astonishing-or-unexpected drop in his popularity. According to market research firm Genius Insight, his standing has plummeted from 11th most popular celebrity to 197th. [Defamer]
• In much less horrifying celebrity-mommy news, Tina Fey is returning this weekend to SNL and her role as co-anchor of "Weekend Update." As E! reports it, "Hefty funnyman Horatio Sanz has been filling her 'Update' slot." Well, that's not exactly the imagery I was looking for, but it's nice to have her back. [E! online]
• A bunch of morons across America decided to play the unlucky numbers from Lost in this week's $340m Powerball lottery, and "GASP," they, uh, lost. [E! online]

• If you happened to be watching the Today show this morning, you were treated to some truly spectacular footage of Al Roker hitting the deck while covering Hurricane Wilma. Really, this is not to be missed. [Gawker]
• Britney Spears is pissed that some pictures of the newly emerged Federletus have been leaked to the media. Pressed for comment, she said, "Y'all I'm a sue those bitches once I finish up this JD cause it's been like niiiiine months and I got me some catchin up to do y'all." [AP]
• Sacre bleu, Celine Dion wants another child via in vitro fertilization. In perhaps the most frightening statement about motherhood ever, she said, "This frozen embryo that is in New York is my child waiting to be brought to life." Indeed, liberté, egalité, maternité. [AP]
• And say what you will about his ratings this season, but Donald Trump just earned $25,000 PER MINUTE for a lecture he gave over the weekend for the Learning Annex, a New York-based continuing education provider. Melania's shopping habits now total more than $50,000 per minute, however, so he'll have to do better. [AP]

• Countering all the celebrity mother news of late, Janet Jackson denies reports that she has a secret 18-year-old love child. In a statement, she said, "I do not have a child and all allegations saying so are false. I already have enough on my mind, what with my bodyfat reaching a worrisome 0.2% and a bitch of a rash from my titanium nipple clamp. Please leave me be." [CNN]
• Infinity Broadcasting announced today that its replacements for Howard Stern will be Adam "Even I Don't Understand My Appeal" Carolla and, yes, David Lee Roth. Apparently Peabo Bryson and Udo Kier were unavailable. [E! online]
• WNBA star Cheryl Swoopes has announced that she dabbles, shall we say, in the sapphic arts. It might hurt Swoopes's sponsorship deals, but at least Queen Latifah FINALLY has a date to the Oscars. [Sports Illustrated]
• And ushering in a new, geriatric era of corporate whoring, the Rolling Stones are releasing an album of rare tracks via a partnership with Starbucks. Apparently cocaine is just a gateway drug on the path to caffeine addiction. [Reuters]

• This week, ABC ordered five episodes of a pilot called America's Next Muppet, in which viewers will choose among Muppet "contestants" to pick the newest addition to the Muppet herd (brood? swarm? hive? gaggle?). Sorry, but as a New York resident bombarded with campaign ads for Michael Bloomberg and Fernando Ferrer, I've had my Muppet fill already, thanks. [AP]
• Kate Moss is back from rehab. Really, what is there to say besides BUY COCAINE FUTURES, cause that shit's gonna go UP. [E! online]
• And yes, Angelina "Collect All Four" Jolie wants to adopt again. Not content with her recent acquisitions in Asia and Africa, she wants to go for South America and make it a hat trick. But what about OCEANIA, Angelina, OCEANIA!!! [AP]

• In lo this season of celebrity unclosetings, the newest person to come out like a trout is George Takei, better known as Mr. Sulu from Star Trek. Although many are undoubtedly happy for Mr. Sulu, Lt. Uhura is PISSED that Cheryl Swoopes already cornered the market on black lesbians earlier this week. [CNN]
• Much to the consternation of Scientologists everywhere, Brooke Shields is pregnant with a second child via husband Chris Henchy. Personally, I'd like to see the inevitable Shields-Cruise grudge match televised live, because the asskicking of a 5'7" homunculus by an enraged 6'0" amazon could be pretty astonishing. [AP]
• And a headline like this just doesn't need comment. [AP]

• Actor Gérard Depardieu, still stung that Nicole Kidman's The Hours performance broke his stranglehold on the big-nose market, announced that he is retiring. Although the future of French cinema is suddenly looking bleak, this may just be the big break that Fabrice from The Bachelorette 3 has been waiting for. [E! online]

• Oh they better not. CNN is apparently considering knocking Aaron Brown out of the coveted 10pm slot at NewsNight and replacing him with that whiny, limelight-hogging leech Anderson Cooper. Hey Andy, rather then mess with my NewsNight peeps, how bout you finally sack up and pull a Mr. Sulu. [Hollywood Reporter]
• And this may be old news, but Manhattanites were treated to an odd maple syrup smell that permeated the city one night last week. People were so suspicious it was a new "Al Qaeda Pancakes" recipe that they flooded 911 switchboards with calls. The smell still remains unexplained. In truth, I'm including this simply to plug the extensive quoting of TVgasm's own Michelle "youcantmakeitup" Collins in the Daily News. [NY Daily News]

• Prince Charles and Duchess of Cornwall Camilla Parker Bowles have arrived on our colonial shores as part of the duchess's Loves, Don't You Simply Adore My Stooped, Awkward Charm publicity tour. To her credit, she's waging a valiant fight in an uphill battle, so let's be nice to the old girl, shall we. [CNN]
• Leonardo DiCaprio and Gisele Bündchen are, as the tabloids would say, splitsville. Should Leo wish to find solace in the arms of an equally accent-marked paramour, may I suggest Penéope Cruz or Emmanuelle Bért, or if he's feeling really adventurous, Stellan Skarsgård. [Independent Online]
• And sadly, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger are embroiled in a bitter child-custody battle. In a statement, Basinger said that she was aghast at the prospect of her children being raised amid Baldwin's "sweaty, puffy lifestyle." [CNN]

• Disaster Ashlee Simpson, whose name is an anagram for "shalom penises," just went on a late-night drunken rampage at a McDonalds in Toronto—which someone of course caught on video. She was in town recording "songs" for her forthcoming "album," which incidentally is titled Shalom Penises. [egotastic.com]
• Oooh SCANDAL amongst the aristocratic-cheekbone set as Kristin Scott-Thomas has left her husband of eighteen years (and three children) for a much younger man. Apparently having one hyphen in your name is no longer enough. [NY Post]
• And if you haven't already caught this photo, do so posthaste because it nearly tops the Nick Nolte DUI mugshot. [goldenfiddle.com]

• Sharon Osbourne is on a highly entertaining anti-Madonna tear. Last month it was, "She is so full of shit. She's into Kaballah one minute, she's a Catholic the next. She'll be a Hindu soon, no doubt." Now Mrs. Osbourne ranted to a British tabloid, "One day you're in f***ing gun gear, then you're in horsing gear, then you dress like a f***ing dyke, then you dress like a hooker, then you're in a flowery dress reading kids' poetry looking like a f***ing librarian—then you're back looking like an old hooker again." Finally, regarding the children's book Madonna wrote, Sharon says that she can "stick it up her [sugar bun]." [MSNBC]
• Even if both versions of The Apprentice are tanking in the ratings, they're still a hit with the 25-to-54-and-filthy-rich demographic. SHOCKER. [Washington Post]
• For its twelfth season, Survivor is returning to Panama, the same location it has been shot twice before. Boring. I was hoping for Survivor: Paris Suburbs. [Reality Blurred]
• And Tom Cruise has ditched his sister as his publicist and has hired veteran PR man Paul Bloch to represent him. It's a good thing that Cruise is joining a firm whose other clients include John Travolta and Sylvester Stallone, because, you know, those PR efforts are really working. [Variety]

• Apparently hell hath no fury like an aimless, mumbling blowhard, as Markus of this season's The Apprentice has been going on FOR DAYS about how the show's editing has made him look like an idiot. He already challenged Trump to a debate, which Trump mercifully declined. Reached for comment, Markus said, "Flame, flames... FLAMES... on the side of my face... breathing... breathless... heaving breaths... HEAVING—" [NY Daily News]
• Jeff Probst is mulling whether to stay on as the host of Survivor, eager to move on to other opportunities but acknowledging that he'll "never have as good a job as Survivor." That's for sure, unless you're willing to show your sugar bun for Falcon Video. [AP]
• Actor Page Kennedy, who played the mysterious man locked in Alfre Woodard's basement on Desperate Housewives this season, was just fired from the show for "improper conduct." Disappointingly, the misconduct did not involve another cast member. Happily, nobody cared about the basement-fugitive subplot anyway. [AP]
• And congratulations are in order as Kirstie Alley officially is no longer a "fat actress." Great, maybe now she can DISAPPEAR FROM THE CULTURAL HORIZON. [AP]

• In a stunning development that will rock the entertainment world, NBC has opted not to renew The Apprentice: Martha Stewart after its December 21 finale. Instead, in response to tens of thousands of viewer requests, it is developing the "charisma-packed thrill-a-thon" The Apprentice: Alexis Stewart for next season. [CNN]
• Donald Trump Jr., who sports the ill-advised hair and vaguely anvil-shaped head of his father, was married over the weekend to model Vanessa Haydon. Maybe someday he'll try doing at least one thing differently from dear old dad. [NY Times]
• AOL and Warner Brothers Cable are teaming up to start a broadband-internet network that will offer free, on-demand reruns of vintage shows such as Welcome Back Kotter and Growing Pains. Plans for airing episodes of Punky Brewster and Joanie Loves Chachi have not yet been announced. [Hollywood Reporter]
• And in hopeful tidings for slimy, philandering cads everywhere, Jude Law and Sienna Miller are allegedly back together. [AP]

• Jennifer Lopez, or whatever she's called these days, is reportedly entering the reality TV arena with an as-yet-untitled series on MTV. The show will follow aspiring dancers in LA as they work 18 hours a day to perfect the over-the-shoulder butt pose. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Sharon Stone has settled a lawsuit she filed against a plastic surgeon who claimed he gave her a facelift in the past. In a blistering rebuttal, she asserted, "I am far too classy for cosmetic surgery, as evidenced by my penchant for flashing my cooter onscreen." [CNN]
• And in damage control news, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart producer Mark Burnett insists that the show was never intended to run for more than one season. Rather, it was "more of a marketing and publicity tool [aimed at those who prefer boring, tensionless boardrooms featuring creepy guys with soggy cigars]." [Reality Blurred]

• The producers of Lost have announced that they're launching a spinoff series of 20 mini-episodes that will be distributed exclusively via cell phone, starting early in 2006. Next up, special on-demand fragrant Lost beach breezes delivered via your hair dryer. [E! online]
• Goodness! Apparently this Wednesday was Julie Andrews Day, and I missed it. Meryl Streep, angered that they stole her Meryl Streep Day idea from last year, said, "Yeah well you know what I have for that bitch? A spoonful of HATE." [AP]
• And for those waiting with bated breath, Matthew McConaughey has been named People magazine's sexiest man alive for this year, narrowly beating out David Spade and Wallace Shawn. [AP]

• David Letterman and Oprah are apparently overcoming their decade-long awkwardness, as Her Medianess has agreed to appear on the Late Show on December 1. First Naomi and Tyra, now this! I love celebrity détente. [AP]
• Angelina Jolie has become a Cambodian citizen. After the holidays, she plans to move to Phnom Penh and start performing at the Bottoms-Up Club under the name Tranh Nih Hoh. [AP]
• Fox is thinking of moving American Idol from Tuesday/Wednesday to Wednesday/Thursday, and it's unclear whether co-host Simon Cowell will return. Cowell, jealous of Ryan Seacrest and Anderson Cooper's recent on-air tête-à-tête, is trying to land a primetime anchor slot on CNN. [Reality Blurred]
• And according to dad Lionel, the reason Nicole Richie looks like Lara Flynn Boyle warmed over is because she has so much "new business." So I guess I need to add "new business" to my list of slang terms for COCAINE. [Defamer]

• OMG, the gays really are destroying marriage. As everyone except perhaps Marlee Matlin has heard by now, Nick and Jessica are officially no longer, as are Talan and Kimberly. The former was reported here on TVgasm last week, but I'm still in shock, and reposting the news helps me move on. [E! online, E! online]
• And Pat Morita, a.k.a. Mr. Miyagi, passed away Thursday at age 73. Since there are no houseflies in heaven, he can use his chopsticks on worthier targets, like those goddamn Lunesta moths. [CNN]

• Laguna Beach starlet Kristin Cavallari will be co-anchoring a new reality series on UPN titled Get This Party Started. She'll be joined by Ethan Erickson, whose previous claim to fame was floating away in a balloon on a Claritin commercial. On the show, a production team will throw the ultimate bash for some deserving soul. And then that soul will make out with Jason and get into a fight with Jessica. Like OMG! That's so standard! [The Daily News]


• Donald Trump is moving The Apprentice to Los Angeles. Some have suggested the change of scenery is a way to distance Trump from Martha's turkey of a season. But we all know it's just a clever way to get Carolyn all sunburned. Grrrrowl! [E! Online]


• Paris and Nicole will be back for another season of The Simple Life, this time on E!. Things we can look forward to on the season: cocaine-fueled cat fights? [E! Online via Yahoo]


• Simon Cowell has settled his beef with producer Simon Fuller and will indeed be returning for another season of American Idol. In other news, sales for Hanes's Black Manboob Fitted T jumped a whopping 83%.

• There may be a large legal battle brewing over Jessica Simpson's assets (and I mean the monetary kind, not her substantial holdings in bust equity). As reported in early 2004, Jessica refused to sign a prenup, stating that if their marriage were ever to go bad, Nick Lachey "would deserve half of everything I have." Oops. [ANI]
• In contrast to the divorce craze sweeping straight celebrity couples, gay celebrity couples are going bonkers with marriage. First Elton John and Mr. John last week, now George Michael and Mr. Michael this week. Next up, unlikely lovebirds Richard Simmons and Pope Benedict XVI. [E! online, AP]
• Someone has stolen Gregory Peck's star from the Hollywood Walk of Fame. My money is on kleptomaniacs Carol Channing and Olivia de Havilland. [LA Times]
• Never one to turn down a branding opportunity, Donald Trump is coming out with an eponymous "super premium vodka" because inebriation is a FIVE HUNDRED BILLION ROUBLE INDUSTRY, COMRADE. The product will be sold in "convenience packs" with Trump brand Children's Chewable Quaaludes. [Gawker]

• Somebody named Oprah was on David Letterman last night. Dave couldn't have kissed her ass much more than he did, but it was still a nice interview, and the monologue, top 10 list, and Uma-Oprah gift were hilarious. [NY Times]
• Lost stars Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros were both arrested last night in separate DUI incidents. Ana Lucia's arresting officer has already been awarded two Congressional Medals of Honor and an increased pension for risk to life and limb. In related news, Ana Lucia is still a bitch. [AP]
• Don't cross charisma queen Alexis Stewart, cause boy does that silly ho hold a grudge. This week she lambasted the oral hygiene of author Candace Bushnell, who profiled Stewart in the New York Observer a few years ago: "I still hate her and her yellow teeth very much... Crooked, yellow, big teeth. With gums!" Honey, we all have gums. [NY Daily News]
• Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have spawned. They are proud new parents of a baby girl, who will undoubtedly grow up to have beady little eyes and man-shoulders. [AP]

• In an evening that likely set a record for shit-eating grins and insincere ass-kissing, the White House feted Robert Redford, Tina Turner, Tony Bennett, and others in the annual Kennedy Center Honors. As icing on the awkwardness cake, the awards dinner was hosted by none other than Condoleezza Rice, whose attempts to get a "private performance" of "Private Dancer" were soundly rebuffed. [AP]
• ABC has decided to replace Peter Jennings with the tag team of Elizabeth Vargas and Bob Woodruff to anchor World News Tonight. They also announced that they'll rebroadcast live three times each night (for different time zones) to ensure maximum live exposure of Ms. Vargas's fabulous hair for the masses. [AP]
• And Brad Pitt has filed a legal petition to gain shared custody of Angelina Jolie's two adopted children, Maddox and Zahara. I can't imagine the reality series is far off. [E! online]

• Great, so now Mel Gibson is doing a movie about the Holocaust. To cap off his let's-offend-everyone trilogy, for 2007 he's planning an all-transvestite musical adaptation of the Koran. [Variety]
• Julia DeMato, a finalist on season two of American Idol, was arrested in Connecticut for the much-coveted hat trick of marijuana possession, cocaine possession, and DUI. According to DeMato it was "just a misunderstanding." Phew, I was worried there for a second that she might have a SEVERE DRUG PROBLEM. [E! online]
• And two more designers are suing the producers of Project Runway claiming that the show was originally their idea. Just a matter of time before Catherine Zeta-Jones makes this a class-action thing, cause hell it's been like three weeks since her last lawsuit. [Reality Blurred]

• Lindsay Lohan missed her scheduled appearance on Live with Regis and Kelly on Tuesday, declining to inform the show's producers until after the show actually began at 9:00am. Though allegedly mired in the stomach-rending agonies of "food poisoning," she was seemingly well enough to do a TRL appearance just hours later. Damn, I wish I knew how to "recover" so quickly from "food poisoning." [AP]
• In insert-your-own-joke-here news, Nicole Richie and fiancé Adam Goldstein have called off their engagement. [AP]
• And apparently even Martha Stewart hates The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. In an interview with Business Week published today, she laments the moronism of the contestants and says she agreed to do the show primarily because "it would get attention." Actually I think you already had that covered with the whole prison thing. [Reality Blurred]

• Brokeback Mountain led the Golden Globe nominations this morning, with seven nods including Best Picture - Drama, Best Actor (Heath Ledger), and Best Director (Ang Lee). Following closely behind the gay cowboy drama was the lesbian elevator-operator comedy Going Down, Judith? [AP]
• Colin Farrell has jumped onto the ever-popular exhaustion/drug dependency bandwagon and is currently under treatment. What, no alcohol problem? Come on, Colin, I thought you were HARDCORE IRISH. [E! online]
• Singer Joss Stone has been named the best celebrity dog parent, while social cancer Paris Hilton has been named the worst. Well no shit. Did nobody read this interview? Paris says she had childhood aspirations to become a veterinarian before she realized she "could just buy a bunch of animals." I love Paris sometimes—I don't even have to make up her quotes. [AP]

• Rapper Foxy Brown announced that she has suffered sudden, near-total hearing loss over the last few months. Doctors will attempt restorative surgery in the new year—I sure hope it works, because there aren't many Ebonics-based sign language materials on the market. [AP]
• Ashlee Simpson, whose name is an anagram for "piss-semen halo," collapsed backstage after a "live" "performance" in Tokyo. Fortunately it was just food poisoning from the notorious L. lohanii bacterium, which means Ashlee will be okay within approximately five minutes. [AP]
• And the advocacy group Reporters Without Borders is criticizing the Kazakh government for pulling the plug on Ali G's "official" website for his Kazakh character, Borat Sagdiyev. Jesus, how many "Without Borders" groups do they have these days? Dr. Sanjay Gupta can't WAIT til they have Proctologists Without Borders. [AP]

• In lieu of a Grey's Anatomy recap this week—it was a repeat—I present to you Sandra Oh. Okay, I really love Sandra Oh, but if anybody can explain to me the logic behind this fashion choice, please let me know.
• In an interview with TV Guide, new Apprentice Randal Pinkett offers a pretty unassailable defense of his decision to fly solo on the final episode of the show. Though he does resort ONCE AGAIN to his show-stopping "apprenti" joke—zinger! [TV Guide]
• Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have officially filed for divorce. Simpson's petition cited "irreconcilable differences and repeated, cruel jokes somehow involving chicken, tuna, and the sea, which I still do not quite get." [AP]
• A theater owners' group wants to petition the FCC for permission to block cell phone signals in movie houses. OOH, Fandango paper bag people 1, Inconsiderate Cell Phone Man 0. [UPI]
• And Teri Hatcher has won a lawsuit against a British tabloid that claimed she held regular "sex romps" with various men inside a VW Vanagon parked outside her LA home. Rather than seek damages, the suit requests simply that the tabloid run a correction—it was an EL CAMINO, you morons, not a Vanagon. [E! online]

• For god's sake Kelly Osbourne, you're not HATSUMOMO. [gofugyourself]
• Y'all, Britney Spears has slapped Us Weekly with a $20 million lawsuit for claiming that she and K.Fed made a sex tape, y'all. Seriously, that thing could be better than the Fred Durst tape. [AP]
• Gwen Stefani is reportedly pregnant with her first child. Ooh so her recent album title Love. Angel. Music. Baby. was a CLUE! This is like Lost! [AP]
• Since people can't get enough of the Randal-Rebecca debacle, here's their joint interview from Larry King Live last night. God, somebody please stop by Walgreens and get me some Excedrin for Racial Tension Headaches. [CNN]

• I know we have a lot of Giada DiLaurentiis groupies on here, so I'm pleased to announce that she might have a soulmate—actor James Nesbitt from Woody Allen's new film Match Point. Granted, Mr. Nesbitt lacks the plump, folksy melonosity for which Giada is renowned, but I mean his head is like TWICE THE SIZE OF THE OTHER WOMAN'S HEAD.
• Let's all shed a tear as The Apprentice: Martha Stewart is finally put out of its flambéed, cranberry-scented misery tonight. Could be entertaining—since Martha's choosing between a peanut-headed nutcase and a bleach-blonde drag queen, both of whom she detests—but probably will just suck. [MarthaStewart.com]
• And Elton John has tied the knot with partner David Furnish in an impossibly sequined ceremony at the Guildhall in Windsor, England. According to the AP, Furnish is best known for a documentary about the pop star called Tantrums and Tiaras. Really, that says it all. [AP]

• Continuing this week's frivolous celebrity photos theme, I offer you this titillating peek at Scarlett Johansson, which, though a bit old, shows no sign of becoming less entertaining. [gofugyourself]
• Zsa-Zsa-Gabor-in-training Renée Zellweger has been granted not merely a divorce but an annulment of her marriage to drawling midget Kenny Chesney. Wow, it really must have been THAT BAD. [E! online]
• And in only-in-New-Mexico news, a Santa Fe district judge has granted local woman Colleen Nestler a restraining order against David Letterman simply because the woman alleges that Letterman is infatuated with her and communicates this "on his show, in code words & obvious indications through jestures [sic] and eye expressions." Pressed for comment, Ms. Nestler said, "I got a message from myself that I should just stay here and not move. Um, so, I'm just gonna wait here until I get another message. From myself." [E! online]

• The New York Post is alleging SCANDALOUSLY that Bethenny was intended to be the winner of The Apprentice: Martha Stewart until just before the live finale started, when the six-year-old granddaughter of Charles "Soggy Cigar" Koppelman blurted out the winner's name in front of SHOCKED ONLOOKERS and forced producers to switch things up for suspense. I suppose it doesn't matter either way, since Martha basically phoned in the second half of the season and probably would've been fine if they'd picked a chipanzee, or perhaps Chris Kattan. [NY Post]
• And in other non-news—it's been a slow week, I'm really scraping bottom here—erstwhile child star Brad Renfro was arrested while trying to buy heroin near downtown L.A.'s Skid Row. Classy! I was reluctant to include this at all, because when you're a 23-year-old actor and your last hit was ELEVEN YEARS AGO I'm not sure you even qualify as C-list anymore. J-list? W-list? [AP]

• Lindsay Lohan, after spending New Year's hospitalized for a sudden "asthma attack," has now hit newsstands with an EXPLOSIVE Vanity Fair interview in which she fesses up to drug use, bulimia, EXPLOSIVE diarrhea, communist sympathies, rickets, and other transgressions. Awww. Now if only her asshole film crews would stop harassing me to "get out of the way" while I'm walking ON MY OWN BLOCK maybe I wouldn't dislike her so much. [People]
• Fresh off his recent retirement from Nightline, Ted Koppel has joined the Discovery Channel. Splendid! Now we'll be treated to such fare as Ted Koppel: Inside a Termite Mound and Ted Koppel: Me and My Chimpanzee Friends. Put a pith helmet on this guy and the possibilities are endless. [CNN]
• And contrary to rumors circulating in the press, Donald Trump apparently harbors no monomaniacal delusions about becoming the next governor of New York. Trump asserted, "I have no interest in running for public office at this time. Instead, I hereby name myself grand vizier of Trumpistan, in which my duties shall consist primarily of sitting cross-legged on a yuge silk pillow, wearing genie pants and a bejeweled turban, receiving sumptuous offerings of frankincense and the finest cardamom. I'm yuge." [E! online]

• Time to boot up blowoutcandles.exe and put_on_partyhat.scr, because it's the Chenbot's birthday. According to IMDB, she was born in the year 11110110010, which would make it 100100 years since she came off the assembly line.
• Treading gleefully down the path toward career suicide, Jon Stewart has agreed to host this year's Oscars on March 5. Expect the ever-popular celebrity death montage to be narrated by a ranting Lewis Black. [NY Newsday]
• Heiress/trollop Paris Hilton has been slapped with two libel lawsuits: one for publicly trashing the ex of of her own ex-boyfriend Paris Latsis, the other for badmouthing an LA club promoter. Questioned by a reporter, Paris said, "Wait, what do you mean things have 'consequences'? What's 'consequences'?" [E! online]
• And our dear little Lindsay Lohan was released from a Miami hospital today. So she can recover from food poisoning in two hours but needs SIX DAYS to get over an asthma attack? I'd call that horseshit, but even that seems generous. [AP]

• Today show "film critic"/scarily pedophilic Groucho Marx impersonator Gene Shalit gave an odd review of Brokeback Mountain last week in which he called Jake Gyllenhaal's character a "sexual predator" who "tracks [Heath Ledger's character] down and coaxes him into sporadic trysts." Though that's not the movie I saw, let's cut Mr. Shalit some slack—when you spend most of the screening down on your knees performing your "French handlebar moustache trick" on Leonard Maltin, it's easy to miss major plot points. [E! online]
• E! is reporting that Lance Armstrong has dumped Sheryl Crow. Though I feel sorry for Ms. Crow's loss, this bodes well for the sure-to-be-hit-single "My Second-Favorite Mistake." [E! online]
• Today is Howard Stern's first day on Sirius Satellite Radio. Why didn't someone tell me that MR. SULU is his new announcer? Stupendous. [AP]
• Indian actor Naveen Andrews, who plays Iraqi soldier Sayid on Lost—it's okay, ABC just wanted someone "vaguely brown"—apparently has quite a penchant for knocking bitches up out of wedlock. He began this tradition at age 16 and has maintained good form, acknowledging that he fathered a child while separated from girlfriend Barbara Hershey last year. Admittedly, dear Babs is pushing 60, so who can blame Mr. Andrews for wanting to "align the chakras" once in a while. [E! online]

• Just days after her tell-all interview in Vanity Fair, Lindsay Lohan now claims that the article is full of lies, LIES and that she never told the reporter anything about a drug problem or bulimia. The magazine is sticking by its story and maintains that it has the entire interview on tape. "I am appalled, simply APPALLED by this so-called 'journalism'," Lohan said. "No, this ipecac is just for my complexion. Yeah. The pores." [E! online]
• The website that yesterday was offering paid downloads of the Colin Farrell sex tape has today been closed. Now now Anderson Cooper, if you really want to start an internet business, it's best to do it LEGALLY. [AP]

• Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's love/hate nest, which was put on the market this week, is being bought by teen actor Justin Berfield of Malcolm in the Middle. Ah, desperate bids at quasi-fame. [AP]
• And yep, Angelina Jolie is pregnant. Rather than enter a hospital, she plans to hold a natural birth before a brimstone altar on the plain of darkest Mordor, from whence she came. [People]

• In news of all that is unholy, Courtney Love has won back custody of her daughter Frances Bean Cobain, apparently having convinced a judge that she can be a responsible mother. Love can now commence teaching her daughter invaluable life skills, such as suckling strangers at one's ample teats while in line at a local Wendy's. [NY Post]
• Speaking of, PETA spokeswoman Pamela Anderson is campaigning to have a bust of Colonel Sanders removed from the Kentucky state Capitol. Haha... 'bust'. [AP]
• Not to be outdone by Dark Mistress Jolie, Gwyneth Paltrow has announced that she is knocked up as well. The obvious question is WHAT FRUIT WILL THEY NAME THE NEXT BABY?!? I'm pushing 'Papaya', but then again they could just name it 'Carmen Miranda' and cover all their bases at once. [AP]
• And Lost star Cynthia Watros pleaded guilty and apologized for her DUI incident in Hawaii last month. Her partner in DUI Michelle Rodriguez, on the other hand, flung feces around the courtroom before dismembering and eating the judge in front of bemused onlookers. [AP]

• After seven seasons, NBC is cancelling The West Wing. The final episode, in May, will feature a live lobotomy of Kristin Chenoweth, whose perkiness pisses off even that Japanese talk show host from Lost in Translation. [AP]
• In light of disappointing box office results this year, most studios are planning on cutting back significantly on their movie releases. Which yes, tragically, means that Disney has pulled the plug on Aladdin 4.1: Shameless Direct-to-Video Franchise Milking with Princess Jasmine. [Variety]
• Horrifically, 'N Sync has been given a reality show, tentatively titled Out of Sync—oh, the wit—which is to air on UPN starting this fall. Set your TiVos NOW. [USA Today]
• NBC has sidelined The Apprentice to Monday night to make room for The Office and My Name Is Earl, which are doing well on Thursday nights. Asked for comment, Donald Trump said, "Monday is the most premium, luxurious day of the week in the history of mankind. It is the Cadillac of weekdays. Actually, the Lamborghini of weekdays. No wait I mean the TRUMP ICE of weekdays." [Reality Blurred]
• The New York Times reports that Disney/ABC may have killed the reality show Welcome to the Neighborhood—in which a gay family transplanted to Texas won the hearts of their initially hostile neighbors—because of a reluctance to alienate Christian groups prior to the release of The Chronicles of Narnia. Anderson Cooper plans an exposé, not because he has any PERSONAL VESTED INTEREST per se, but just because he's, you know, a "concerned journalist." [NY Times]

• Donald Trump has slapped author Timothy O'Brien with a FIVE BILLION DOLLAR libel lawsuit, claiming that O'Brien made defamatory statements about Trump's personal life and net worth. Oh best not touch the net worth angle, son. The high point of Trump's press release: "[T]he public should be informed so that they can take a more skeptical view of the things they read in certain media. The libel laws of this country exist to protect against the dissemination of malicious falsehoods." Trump also added that the book was "terribly written." [Yahoo! Business]
• UPN and The WB announced that they're merging into a new network called The CW. Awesome! I was thinking JUST THE OTHER DAY how we don't have enough networks that begin with a branded "The." Maybe they could launch a new pilot set at The Johns Hopkins University. [AP]
• And apologies if this has made the rounds already, but this video of current governor Arnold Schwarzenegger "sampling Brazilian delicacies" in Rio during Carnaval 1983 is truly excellent. It's like watching a long, slow-motion car accident narrated in broken Germano-Portuguese. Tudo de bom pra você INDEED. [iFilm]

• Nothing happened in the entertainment world this weekend. Nothing. So to lead off I give you Gawker's excellent screencaps of the Oprah-James Frey confrontation from the end of last week. The Oprah is NOT PLEASED. [Gawker]
• Oscar nominations will be announced tomorrow morning. Set your alarm early to see a caffeine-addled Mira Sorvino stumble through the names at 5:30am PST while her father weeps uncontrollably in the background. [Oscars.org]
• Vince Vaughn has all but moved in with Jennifer Aniston, who apparently did not handle the news of Angelina Jolie's pregnancy very well. Oh LADY, desperation cohabitation is not hot. [MSN]
• And Crash upset Brokeback Mountain for Best Ensemble Cast, the top award at the SAG Awards. At the after party, an enraged, boa-clad Steven Cojocaru attempted to mount Don Cheadle in retaliation but luckily was restrained by the ever-robust Kathleen Turner. [BBC]

Oscar nominations were announced this morning, courtesy of a heroically bleary-eyed Mira Sorvino. The highlights:

• Best Supporting Actress: Amy Adams, Junebug; Catherine Keener, Capote; Frances McDormand, North Country; Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener; Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain. Hmph, Scarlett Johansson was snubbed. But whatever, at least she still has her giant breasts to amuse herself with.


• Best Supporting Actor: George Clooney, Syriana, Matt Dillon, Crash; Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man; Jake Gyllenhaal, Brokeback Mountain; William Hurt, A History of Violence. Ooh, William Hurt is a big surprise here. He could also qualify for an award for Best Receding Hairline and General Age-Related Deterioration.


• Best Actress: Judi Dench, Mrs. Henderson Presents; Felicity Huffman, Transamerica; Keira Knightley, Pride and Prejudice; Charlize Theron, North Country; Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line. Wow, good job Keira Knightley.


• Best Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote; Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow; Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain; Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line; David Strathairn, Good Night, and Good Luck. Largely as expected, except Mr. Howard excellently trumps the much-predicted Russell Crowe. See, this is what happens when you THROW YOUR PHONE AT THE HELP.


• Best Director: Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain; Bennett Miller, Capote; Paul Haggis, Crash; George Clooney, Good Night, and Good Luck; Steven Spielberg, Munich. Nice to see Capote get recognized. Remarkable that there are only two established names in this group.


• Best Original Screenplay: Crash; Good Night, and Good Luck; Match Point; The Squid and the Whale; Syriana. Damn, Clooney is really racking them up.


• Best Adapted Screenplay: Brokeback Mountain; Capote; The Constant Gardener; A History of Violence; Munich. No big surprises here.


• Best Picture: Brokeback Mountain; Capote; Crash; Good Night, and Good Luck; Munich. Yay Capote. This movie was largely overlooked at the Golden Globes, and though it won't win Best Picture here, it's incredible and well worth seeing.

• Ryan Seacrest had a rather uncomfortable run-in with a New Jersey radio talk show host who asked point-blank whether he's gay. Seacrest literally FLED THE STUDIO. Fine, so he's probably a raging homosexual—in other shock revelations, did you hear Eddie Murphy is black? [Gawker]
• Paris Hilton must be wetting her $500 panties: due to her failure to pay her monthly rent at an LA storage facility, her stored possessions, including numerous diaries and homemade videotapes, have been repossessed and are about to be auctioned off. Ah, Paris, so glad you've finally met my old friend Schadenfreude. [NY Daily News]
• And former James Bond director Lee Tamahori (Die Another Day) was caught on Santa Monica Boulevard, in drag, soliciting sex from a man who turned out to be an undercover cop. I wonder what drag name Mr. Tamahori uses. Pussy Galore? Holly Goodhead? Plenty O'Toole? So many great options. [BBC]

As a commenter pointed out below, the whole "Ryan Seacrest interview" on the Trenton radio station has turned out to be a hoax. I repeat, RYAN SEACREST == NOT GAY. All those photos you've seen of him looking tanorexic and impossibly hair-gelled in front of striped pastel walls—all fabricated! All lies!

Thank you for your time and attention to this most important matter.

• Yeah, Mariah Carey is up for eight Grammy awards tonight, which would be a record. But what she's REALLY up for is the all-you-can-eat buffet afterward. [AP]
• L.A. County's Department of Children and Family Services is allegedly investigating Britney Spears after a tabloid published photos of her driving her car with one hand and holding her baby with the other, sans car seat. Spears replied, "Whatever y'all, ain't no room for no car seat in an El Camino, y'all." [AP]
• And promoter Brian Quintana has been granted a restraining order against Paris Hilton, who he complains has slandered his reputation and threatened him physically. Forget restraining orders, what that bitch needs is a good backhand. [E! online]

• The nudie pansexual lovefest on the cover of this week's Vanity Fair has apparently caused quite a splash, as the magazine's sales and web hits have soared. Big missed opportunity for Rachel McAdams, who fired her publicist and refused to be in the photo when she found out what it would entail. Whatever, don't even try the modest bit with me REGINA GEORGE. [LA Times]
• Though Britney Spears has admitted that driving with her infant son on her lap was probably a mistake, she still places much of the blame on paparazzi. "And y'all, at least I done already eased him off the Wild Turkey, y'all, so I'm a good mom and shit." [AP]

• The Oprah has extended her media empire into the airwaves through a $55m deal with XM Satellite Radio. Next, she plans to conquer the skies with Oprah brand dirigibles, which will drop Pontiacs all over Middle America the first Tuesday of every month. [BBC]
• And actor Franklin Cover, who played honky neighbor Tom Willis on The Jeffersons, has died. Movin on up INDEED. [AP]

• This is totally unrelated, but in the absence of any notable entertainment news I just wanted to point out that Condoleezza Rice is the black version of Lucy from Peanuts.
• In other political developments, Britney Spears's no-carseat stunt with her baby has incurred the wrath of much-feared transportation secretary Norman Mineta, who is using the incident to publicize a new car-safety campaign. When you've pissed off a tiny, pumpkin-faced man WHO HAS AN AIRPORT NAMED AFTER HIM, it's time to be afraid, very afraid. [AP]

• The James Bond producers have finally cast a villain, which is helpful considering the fact that shooting on Casino Royale began weeks ago and the film comes out in December. Taking the role is Danish actor Mads Mikkelsen. In the film's climactic showdown, Bond and the bad guy will scribble furiously at easels to see who can draw the most offensive Muhammad cartoon. [BBC]
• Predictably, official denials of the Tom Cruise–Katie Holmes breakup rumor came within hours. "They're in love! Sweet love! And they have hotsexysexysex LIKE ALL THE TIME, OMG YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE IT, her vajayjay is like SO WORN OUT that the baby will be able to just mosey on outta there!" And so on and so forth. [Defamer]
• And Fox's American Idol spanked NBC's Olympics coverage this week, since skiers crashing and burning at Sestriere are apparently no match for awkward flailing and blatant onstage cameltoe. [CNN]

• Yesterday James Bond got a bad guy, and now there's a leading lady—willowy French thing Eva Green, most notable for flashing her little bonbons in Bertolucci's The Dreamers. I don't know much about her, but she seems like a French Penélope Cruz, which J-Unit wil LOVE. [BBC]
• In a riveting, tell-all interview with People magazine, Britney Spears compares herself to Princess Diana, says "nothing's been wow to me" in the music scene, and protests, "I sound bitter. I'm not bitter." Yeah, actually the words that spring to mind are "inane," "trashy," and "self-absorbed." [CNN]
• And the newest entry in the Celebrity Sex Tapes series is a horror-inducing "buddy effort" by Kid Rock and Scott Stapp. For those who wish to lose their eyesight or sanity forever, Defamer has a link to the video. [Defamer]

• The war of words between Donald Trump and Martha Stewart has escalated to Muhammad-cartoon levels. I'll just let Trump's letter to Martha speak for itself: "Your performance was terrible in that the show lacked mood, temperament and just about everything a show needs for success. ... Between your daughter, with her one-word statements, your letter writing and, most importantly, your totally unconvincing demeanor, it never had a chance—much as your daytime show is not exactly setting records. ... P.S. Be careful or I will do a syndicated daytime show, perhaps called The Boardroom, and further destroy the meager ratings you already have." [CNN]
• Angry James Bond fans have threatened to boycott the upcoming film due to dissatisfaction with the casting of Daniel Craig. In particular, they cite his "pale, flattened face and large, fleshy ears." If I might, I'd like to add "beady, recessed eyes," "appalling crow's feet," and "limp, unexciting hair." [BBC]
• And don't call Lindsay Lohan a "teen queen" OR SHE WILL CUT YOU. [AP]

• George Michael was found slumped in his car near Hyde Park, London, this weekend and has apparently been arrested on a drug charge. Given Mr. Michael's penchant for fabulousness I CANNOT WAIT to see the mugshot. [BBC]
• Tracy Morgan pleaded no contest to a DUI charge in an L.A. court. I'd go for the obvious Uncle Jemima's Mash Liquor joke but the E! bastards already stole it. [E! online]

• Sheryl Crow had successful breast cancer surgery last week and will undergo precautionary radiation this week. Sheryl honey, I know you want to get back with Lance, but AN EMPATHETIC BOUT WITH CANCER JUST TO WIN HIS AFFECTION seems like a bit much. [E! online]
• And the entertainment world lost two celebrities this weekend—Darren McGavin, of Mike Hammer and A Christmas Story, and Don Knotts, of virtually everything requiring goofy googly-eyed munchkins. [AP, AP]

• A group of women are suing Clay Aiken and his record labels for false advertising, alleging that marketing campaigns characterized Mr. Aiken as, well, something other than the flaming homosexual that even a blind and deaf person would notice that he is. In their complaint they make the shocking claim that "the private Clay [read: prancing queen Clay] is very different [read: gayer than Christmas] from the manufactured packaged public Clay [read: repressed, depressed choirboy] that was marketed to us." Okay, I'm not sure how to say this more clearly: IF IT LOOKS GAY AND SOUNDS GAY AND DENIES IT TO DIANE SAWYER ALL THE TIME FOR GOD'S SAKE IT'S GAY. [Starpulse]
• And Anna Nicole Smith had her day at the U.S. Supreme Court as part of the dispute over her late husband's $1.6 billion fortune. In an effort to win over the Court, Ms. Smith provided 85-year-old Justice Stevens with a happy-ending massage and offered Justice Ginsburg tips on the most lucrative street corners to work in Capitol Heights. [CNN]

• As noted in our recap, Paula Abdul was JACKED OUT OF HER MIND during the live broadcast of American Idol on Thursday, just hours after having disrupted airport security in order to make her Southwest Airlines (?!?) flight from Las Vegas to L.A. Well at least she certainly "made the Vicodin her own." [Boston Herald]
• John Travolta has apparently taken the role of Edna Turnblad in the movie-musical version of Hairspray—a drag role that was played by tranny star Divine in the original John Waters film. Ooh, a brilliant coup: nothing dispels persistent gay rumors like plunging headlong into a double-D bra and red fishtail gown. [BBC]
• And odds for Best Picture at tonight's Academy Awards are tightening between frontrunner Brokeback Mountain and recently surging underdog Crash. Though Brokeback is still favored, the race is getting close enough to put Heath Ledger's pleather g-string in a twist. [BBC]

• During an interview on The View, Donald Trump said that he would probably date his own daughter, Ivanka, were she not, um, the seed of his own loins. He noted that she has a "very nice figure," singling out for recognition her "yuge breasts" and "fifty billion dollar ass." [MSNBC]
• Madonna's daughter, Lourdes, apparently has at age nine already developed rather high-caliber gaydar—shocker—and has even asked her mother point-blank whether she's a lesbian. No honey, she's a tranny—you'll learn that word soon, I promise. [AP]
• Bowtied blowhard Raj Bhakta, of The Apprentice's second season, is attempting to penetrate the inner sanctum of bowtied-blowhardness—Congress!—as a Republican candidate in Pennsylvania's 13th District. Ooh I can't wait for the inevitable confrontation with Maxine Waters. [MSNBC]
• David Hasselhoff's estranged wife has filed a domestic violence complaint against him in an L.A. court. Across the pond, eurotrash by the thousands are rending lycra/poly-blend garments in despair. [AP]
• And on a lighter note, this is the best work gofugyourself has ever done.

• According to reports, Diane Sawyer is in as anchor of ABC World News Tonight, bringing the squinty, smiling condescension that we all know and adore to millions of American households each evening. Granted, it required Machiavellian manipulation of a fateful combination of events (i.e., roadside bomb and rapidly expanding fetus), but THAT'S WHY WE LOVE THE BITCH. [Fox News]
• Let's all shed a tear for lost childhood, as Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch is being closed down due to the singer's inability to pay staff salaries and insurance premiums. Jackson's giraffes, lions, and so on will be redistributed to zoos; his baboon army will be sent to Iraq as reinforcements. [AP]
• The Daily Show and The Colbert Report will soon be available on iTunes. For the truly lazy, there will be a new Multi-Pass service that will, for about 62¢ an episode, automatically send each new show to the subscriber's computer the day after it originally airs. [AP]
• And awwww, Joan Rivers has a Match.com profile! I call dibs. [MySpace]

• Isaac Hayes has quit South Park, as he is suddenly shocked, shocked that the show displays "intolerance and bigotry" and ridicules religious belief. Dude, not sure how to break this to you, but for the last nine years you've been on the payroll of a show that's featured NAMBLA, "cripple fights," Christopher Reeve sucking on dead fetuses to get at their stem cells, and songs about how THE VIRGIN MARY CAN GIVE BLOWJOBS AND STILL BE A VIRGIN. [BBC]
• In overkill news, the TV Guide Channel will from now on broadcast a live, one-hour preshow before every episode of American Idol. Along with interviews with past contestants, it will feature scandalous exposés of Paula Abdul's prescription records and Simon Cowell's West Hollywood bathhouse memberships. [AP]
• Although Desperate Housewives fended off The Sopranos in their much-anticipated head-to-head this week, Grey's Anatomy has emerged the Sunday night winner for several weeks running. I'm telling you, Sandra Oh is BOX OFFICE GOLD. [Variety]
• And you might want to take this news sitting down: A&E has cancelled Rollergirls. Be strong. [Variety]

• The producers of the forthcoming movie remake of Dallas are apparently looking to cast John Travolta as J.R. and Jennifer Lopez as Sue Ellen, among others. People seem to be up in arms over the choice of Mr. Travolta, but whatever, I'm just waiting for the 227 movie. [BBC]
• Brokeback Mountain author Annie Proulx is so pissed that the film didn't win Best Picture that she's written a scathing sour-grapes editorial in The Guardian. On the bitterness scale I'd say this ranks somewhere between post-Watergate Richard Nixon and Saddam "I AM THE HEAD OF STATE" Hussein. [E! online]
• And Jessica Simpson has declined an invitation to a Republican fundraiser and private audience with President Bush out of fear of politicizing her favorite charity, Operation Smile (which, say what you will about Ms. Simpson, is a great charity, so sell all your possessions and send them the proceeds NOW). Republican leaders are miffed; I'm just trying to imagine what kinds of topics an "intellectual conversation" between Ms. Simpson and Mr. Bush might cover. [CNN]

This week, that ever lovable government organization, the FCC, doled out massive fines to our faithful television networks for airing allegedly obscene material. The committee received more than 300,000 complaints, including some directed towards Without A Trace for depicting, as E! says, "teenagers engaging in orgy-style sexual shenanigans."

Now, we don't know how many of the FCC complaints were directed towards Without A Trace, but let's go with a liberal estimate of 35%. Heck, let's go for 50%. Or even 75%. That means there were an estimated 225,000 complaints over "the orgy-style sexual shenanigans." Given that the episode in question earned a 13.5 in the ratings and a 21 share, we can safely assume that the show was viewed by about 20 million people (this week's Without A Trace attracted 20.3 million viewers with a nearly identical ratings/share of 13.2/22). So let's see... Of the 20 million viewers who watched this crazy orgy of sin in December 2004, an estimated 225,000 people were offended. That comes out to, uh, 1.12% of the viewers. Of course, if you lower the estimated complaints down to the more realistic 35% of 300,000 letters, well, then that means that a whopping .52% of the viewers were aghast.

All this leads me to the question of the day: if network execs paid as much time to tiny numbers as the FCC, would Arrested Development still be on the air?

Our worst nightmares have come true. The Pussycat Dolls are looking to break into TV with their very own reality show. And it gets worse: the executive producer will be Charlie's Angels director and TVgasm neighbor, McG. Yes, it's the union of two horrendous forces, surely signifying the start of the apocalypse. I have to admit that I'd probably tune in just to ogle at redheaded doll Carmit's scary, tranny Joker face.

Nevertheless, the show couldn't be much worse than Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, but then again, if it's anything close to as annoying as Carmit's blog, chances are we could be in for one of the worst TV series of all time. Note the flagrant abuse of caps lock:

WOW THIS YEAR HAS GOT US BACK ON THE FAST TRACK AGAIN! ALREADY!!! DID Y’ALL SEE TRL??? IT WAS SO FUN. THEY INVITED US TO DO STICKWITCHU ON VALENTINES DAY…..AWWWWW THEN WE DID A SURPRISE PERFORMANCE OF BUTTONS(WHICH WILL BE OUR 4TH SINGLE!) NEWAYZ, IT WAS GREAT! ALTHOUGH WHEN WE GOT TO NY THERE WAS A BLIZZARD AND IT WAS FREEZING! YEEEEEESH RIGHT NOW WE’RE SITTING AT THE AIRPORT WAITING FOR OUR DELAYED FLIGHT TO VEGAS TO SHOOT THE VIEW WITH AVANT. HE REALLY DID HIS THING ON THE REMIX! HE’S SO COOL- K GOTTA BOARD NOW! CATCH YA MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMUAAAAH! LOVE,FOXY

• Yep, Donald Trump has spawned yet again: Melania Knauss gave birth to a baby boy this morning. Trump issued a typical response: "I continue to stay young, right? I produce children, I stay young." Charming! Witnesses noted that throughout the eight-hour labor Ms. Knauss's facial expression did not change even once. [AP]
• In addition to her pesky "far-apart breasts" problem, Tori Spelling has now apparently alienated her parents by making fun of her mother's compulsive eBay shopping in her new show, So noTORIous. Little do they know that it just doesn't matter BECAUSE NO ONE WILL WATCH. [NY Post]
• Anyone following the South Park Scientology debacle should read the Rolling Stone cover article that one of our lovely commenters mentioned on a post last week. A long read, but fascinating and will strike you with mortal fear of Anne Archer. [Rolling Stone]
• And FYI, don't sign up for any Uruguayan reality shows, cause that could leave you limbless and/or dead. [BBC]

• As expected, South Park killed off Chef. Something weird is up though: past interviews show that Isaac Hayes had actually been pretty relaxed about the show's jibes at Scientology, and there are rumors that he suffered a severe stroke back in January that's been kept under wraps. Odd. [BBC]
• Paula Abdul is blaming all her recent onscreen craziness on Simon Cowell, saying he whispers weird things in her ear during tapings of American Idol. Oh great, the "I'm hearing voices" defense. THE POWER OF COWELL COMPELS YOU. [MSNBC]
• And while his wife Star Jones was at the hospital getting a breast lift this past Friday, Al Reynolds was taken to the emergency room after "slipping" at the gym and suffering two cuts to his head. Sadly, such are the risks of getting spreadeagled up against the wall in the men's steam room. [AP]

• Since the world clearly is wanting for exposure to Britney Spears's breasts, midriff, and vagina, a New York sculptor has created a "pro-life" monument to Ms. Spears's timeless act of motherhood. The life-size sculpture features Ms. Spears on all fours on a bearskin rug, ass in the air, ready to pop out some younguns. I imagine the Franklin Mint miniature is not far off. [Send2Press]
• The season finale of Grey's Anatomy will be THREE HOURS LONG: an hour in the usual timeslot on Sunday 5/14, followed by two hours on Monday 5/15. I understand that they're eager to get ad money and try out the show on a different night, but that seems like a little much. [Variety]
• Tom Cruise has continued his manic, showily affectionate, couch-hopping ways, this time at a Yahoo! corporate event in Silicon Valley. It would kinda be great if he just went away. [AP]
• And Randy Quaid is suing the Brokeback Mountain producers, claiming they characterized the film as an art-house picture that would never make any money, thus duping him into accepting minimal pay. What, the jumbo-size Eros Bodyglide and Barbra Streisand: The Television Specials DVD weren't sufficient compensation? WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT? [Defamer]

• Scarlett Johansson has bested Angelina Jolie's exotic t'toos to land the top spot on FHM's sexiest women list. With her mams so firmly in the public domain, really, how could she not. [AP]
• George Clooney, Matt Damon, and Brad Pitt have signed on for Ocean's 13. AWESOME, ever since Ocean's 12 I've just been DYING for another flimsy, smug sequel to spend $10.50 on. [AP]
• Sick of the tired plotlines on Desperate Housewives? Then make up your own plotline with the Desperate Housewives video game. Rated U for Unnecessary. [BBC]
• Scientologists have started delivering placards to Katie Holmes's home reminding her to remain completely silent during childbirth, as is the Scientology way. I love how the British tabloid says Holmes "quickly fell pregnant" after getting hitched to Tom Cruise. Why not "was stricken with a fetus posthaste"? [The Sun]
• And finally, our truly heartwarming news. Have multiple children with Down syndrome? Suffering from Lou Gehrig's disease? Then call Extreme Makeover: Home Edition pronto because you are REAL HIGH on their wish list. [Defamer]

I have a bone to pick with Marc Berman. For those of you who don't know who he is, Mr. Berman is a columnist for Mediaweek, and everyday, he writes "The Programming Insider," which is an analysis of the overnight Nielsen ratings. His work is widely-read, and over the years, he's become a minor talking-head on cable TV. Unfortunately, if anyone ever wants to read "The Programming Insider," they have to weed through dozens of inane comments about television. I've often disagreed with Berman's point of view, but hey, he's entitled to have his opinion, right? So for years, I've put up with cloyingly suburban tastes, even when he's called Yes, Dear "underrated" and Supernanny "underrated" and pretty much any awful show "underrated." But now he's gone too far. In Monday's column, Marc Berman wrote this:

Over at NBC, The Apprentice 5 continues to squander its stellar Deal or No Deal lead-in, with a 7.4/11 in the overnights (#3), 10.19 million viewers (#3) and a 4.0/ 9 among adults 18-49 (#4) from 9-10 p.m. Retention for The Apprentice out of the Howie Mandel hosted game show (who is damn good, by the way, isn’t he?) was a disappointing 74 percent in the overnights.

• Move over Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes—now we have Ryan Seacrest and Teri Hatcher. HOTT. [US Weekly, via Defamer]
• According to her ex-fiancé, Nicolette Sheridan is no fun in the sack. Well no shit, after all the surgeries her face looks like BOSNIA. [MSNBC]
• Whitney Houston, please put down the crack. The gays are losing an icon. [The Sun]
• And this Sharon Stone I'm Crazy as Shit and Oh Did I Mention I'm Also the Star of Basic Instinct 2 publicity tour is a hoot. In her newest interview, Ms. Stone says definitively that she has ditched shrinks and therapy. Yep, APPARENTLY SO. [NY Daily News]

• Apparently it's totally acceptable to create new thetans out of wedlock, because Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have no plans to tie the knot before MiniXenu's arrival. During an interview on a German talk show, Cruise said, "First the baby, then the film... Then, in summer, we want to get married. I won't let this woman get away." Well of course she's not going anywhere—she wouldn't want to be sued for BREACH OF CONTRACT. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Yeah yeah, so Naomi Campbell is beating up the help again. This no longer qualifies as news. The real story here is where the hell did she get a Swarovski crystal–encrusted BlackBerry? WHO BUYS THOSE? [NY Daily News]
• Oh and don't get into a car with former Apprentice contestant Raj Bhakta CAUSE YOU'LL DIE. [USA Today]

It's that time of year again! That gloriously exciting time when network execs decide the fate of many of our favorite (and despised) shows. Yes, it's bubble season! For those of you unfamiliar with the term, "the bubble" refers to that precarious limbo a television show finds itself in when it hasn't been officially picked up for another season. Will the series snag a renewal? Or will the bubble pop and the brutal axe of cancellation swing mercilessly? Such are the questions facing many a plucky television show, and luckily for all us armchair industry-ites, we get to have our say for whom the bubble shall toll. USA Today has come out with its annual bubble poll which lists every series that has yet to be picked up. Granted, filling out the survey doesn't actually affect the network brass and their often ill-advised decisions, but hey, it's a fun 30 second diversion. I already filled out my ballot (suck it, Hope & Faith!). Check out the survey here and feel free to discuss in the comments section.

• NBC confirmed this morning that Katie Couric's replacement on Today will be Meredith Vieira, as was widely anticipated. On a related note, if you're depressed at the prospect of never seeing Ms. Couric's legs again—but what are the chances of that, frankly, she'll probably demand a see-through newsdesk—you can take comfort in the fact that Ms. Vieira apparently likes to likes to flash her cooter during tapings. [AP]
• In today's shocking news, Eminem has filed for divorce from his wife, Kim, after just three months of remarriage. Court papers claim that the relationship broke down and "the objects of matrimony have been destroyed." What does that mean exactly? "Kim, my darling, join hands with me as we destroy the ceremonial anal beads." HOTT. [BBC]
• And speaking of, Paris Hilton is now whining to the press that her former friend Nicole Richie is jealous and fame-hungry. No, Paris honey that's just your reflection in the mirror. It's okay, mirrors can be confusing sometimes! [Hollywood.com]

• Paula Abdul reported to L.A. police that a man assaulted her at a party over the weekend, grabbing her arm and throwing her against a wall. Do you ever get one of those Groundhog Day moments when you suddenly think "WTF, since when is it 1989 again and Paula Abdul is famous?" That happened to me today—ever since I read the article I've been battling the urge to peg my jeans and buy a Koosh ball. [AP]
• Mandisa, formerly of American Idol, is officially uncomfortable with The Gays because they're seemingly incompatible with Jesus. Fair enough, but boooo, you probably just lost like half your fan base. [The Advocate]
• And Angelina Jolie has apparently forsaken the plain of darkest Mordor for the BURNING SANDS OF THE NAMIB DESERT as the site where she will unleash her otherworldly spawn. [AP]

• Michael Douglas has apologized to Brangelina, saying that his earlier tirade against them in GQ was misquoted. Okay great, but what I want to know is when did Michael Douglas start looking like DON QUIXOTE. Although I must admit Catherine Zeta-Jones would make a great Dulcinea. [Extra, Defamer]
• Speaking of chivalric romance, let's all shed a tear and wave it goodbye: Bow Wow (formerly Lil') and Ciara have split up. [AP]
• Newly-bred Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have named their son Moses. Does this mean we have to start calling Mr. Martin and Ms. Paltrow "Amram and Jochebed"? Cause I'm not doing that. [BBC]
• Fans of inanity and the lowest common denominator in general will be pleased to learn that Matt Lauer has extended his Today show contract through 2011. [AP]
• And ABC has decided to offer episodes of Lost, Desperate Housewives, Commander in Chief, and Alias free online, though you'll have to deal with ads. Great, now that I just finished spending THIRTY DOLLARS on Lost episodes at the iTunes store. [AP]

• Paula Abdul and Ryan Seacrest seem to be in the middle of a nice little bitch fight. First Ms. Abdul appears on The Tonight Show, slurring her words mightily and mocking the completely unstaged Teri-Ryan love photo; then last night on American Idol Mr. Seacrest retorts that one of the judges is drunk. Somebody PLEASE call in Oprah to simmer this shit down and give away some Pontiacs. [The Malcontent, Reality Blurred]
• Yep, in yesterday's episode of The Wacky Celebrity Sitcom that Writes Itself, Britney Spears allegedly dropped the damn baby out of his high chair, fracturing his skull. Apparently no one told the silly ho that "bouncing baby boy" ISN'T A LITERAL EXPRESSION. [The Star]
• Speaking of cases for Child Protective Services, John Travolta and Kelly Preston's son is apparently autistic, yet the parents won't treat the poor kid because Scientology believes that mental illnesses don't exist. Looks like that "silent birth" thing really worked out! [Hollywood, Interrupted]
• Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal are engaged; she is "with child." Those despairing that the dumpy, poorly dressed Ms. Gyllenhaal is reproducing can take comfort in the fact that the child's younger brother will probably turn out to be way hotter. [CNN]
• And ex-Survivor Richard Hatch, currently serving jail time for tax evasion, has requested protective custody from the other inmates because he is SUCH A CELEBRITY that he simply cannot mingle with the proletariat. [E! online]

• If the tabloids are to be believed, Angelina Jolie still loves her some lesbo lust action. According to model and ex-Angelina trick Jenny Shimizu, Ms. Jolie is an "unbelievable lesbian lover" whose days as a sapphic sister are not yet over. [News of the World, warning NSFW]
• Since we all can't get enough news of the world's favorite pillow-lipped alien, here's SOME MORE—yet another article about her windswept, lion-defended birthing bungalow in darkest Africa. [E! online]
• In a move that will disappoint corn gods everywhere, Mel Gibson has delayed the release of his Mayan epic Apocalypto due to incessant torrential rains in Mexico. You know what this sounds like to me? A sign from God to STOP THE DAMN PRODUCTION. [AP]
• And I guess Tom Cruise was "joking" about, you know, eating his unborn child's placenta, but in any case I'm still cleaning up the vomit from my keyboard. Oh, Scientology humor! [The Sun]

• Yep, folks, it's placenta pilaf on the menu tonight at the Cruise-Holmes household. Rejoice, ye hordes of expectant faithful, hark the herald angels and so on and so forth, for the Miracle Child now walks among us—a 7-pound, 7-ounce, 20-inch girl named Suri. Incidentally, Suri is an old Persian word meaning "contractual obligation." [E! online]

• If you're still sawing at your wrists because Katie Couric is taking over at CBS, put down the rusty butter knife—it turns out everybody's favorite old guy Bob Schieffer may be staying on as a commentator a couple times a week. [AP]
• As has been widely reported, Scientology nemesis Brooke Shields beat The Abomination Who Shall Not Be Named in the baby race, giving birth yesterday morning to a lovely, non-thetan girl named Grier. Yay, though I'm a little disappointed the couples didn't coordinate and name the babies Yin and Yang. [E! online]
• When Tom Cruise's minions aren't busy in the kitchen whipping up a nice placenta pot pie, apparently they're rigging polls for their dark overlord. After a recent Parade magazine poll showed that a surprising 84% of respondents blamed the press for Cruise's perceived craziness, it was discovered that more than 70% of those votes were cast from just a handful of IP addresses. [NY Post]
• One of the major Lost cast members may be getting killed off soon, as s/he has taken a role on another show. I haven't read the article because I hate spoilers almost as much as I hate Kathy Griffin. So read at your own risk, and if you post any spoilers in comments I'll zap you from afar with my evil Xenu death ray. [E! online]
• And like a cheap, aging hooker, The Apprentice is now trying to pay viewers to watch the show (indirectly, via a weekly cash prize). My word, I wonder what Carolyn thinks of this. [Reality Blurred]

• Got a thing for hookers? Gambling? Hot 12-year-old-on-12-year-old action? You and Charlie Sheen could be best buds! The salacious allegations appeared in Denise Richards's divorce court filings at the end of last week—just in time for the debut of Mr. Sheen's children's clothing line (lo, how I wish I were joking). [TMZ]
• In May, ABC will debut a new Lost interactive online game. Uh, maybe quit wasting resources on games and come out with a new episode more often than ONCE EVERY FULL MOON. [AP]
• And Tom Cruise apparently loves getting down and dirty with his new spawn. "I change diapers all the time. I have to tell you I love it." Great, so not only is he creepy and insane to begin with, he's also into scat play. [CNN]

• Lost star Michelle Rodriguez has chosen five days in jail over 240 hours of community service as the sentence for her DUI. Hell, give her 20 to life—it's not like they need her for shooting any new episodes since apparently they DON'T MAKE THEM ANYMORE. [AP]
• Britney Spears has had a rough week. First she fired her nanny. Now she's depressed after a fight with Kevin Federline out back of the trailer. So what's the answer to a nannyless, depressive, domestically turbulent existence? Getting yourself knocked up AGAIN, apparently. [TMZ]

• You know, if Teri Hatcher doesn't like what she sees in the mirror, there are better ways to deal with it than, say, BLINDING HERSELF WITH LIGHTBULB SHARDS. [MSNBC]
• And People magazine has picked its annual 50 Most Beautiful list, and of course Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are right up there at the top. Whatever, Zahara is like ten times hotter than either of those honkies. [AP]

• Holy Halliburton. If you appreciate shocked silences and slow-motion train wrecks, you must MUST watch Stephen Colbert's in-character skewering of President Bush at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner. By about five minutes into the routine, dear Dubya looks like he's passing a kidney stone. (In three parts: part 1 and part 2 are hilarious; part 3 far less so unless you're one of those, uh, "Helen Thomas people.") [C-SPAN]
• And though her rep denies it, Star Jones is allegedly REAL PISSED Y'ALL that she didn't get promoted to the moderator position on The View. Apparently Barbara Walters put her soft-focus foot down because "She hates [Star]. Really can't stand her." Ms. Jones should just retire—cause when you've pissed off Baba Wawa you've pissed off the WORLD. [NY Post]

• Mr. T is coming back to television. In his new show—really, what else could it be called besides I Pity the Fool—he'll travel nationwide delivering motivational advice to people struggling with "personal or professional problems." Set to air on the TV Land network starting in October, this could potentially be the best show ever. [CBS]
• Yep, I thought I smelled placenta! Turns out Tom Cruise is being "masc" and running up and down and across Manhattan on any Xtreme form of transportation he can find, all to promote Mission: Impossible III. Ironically, the article's photo of Mr. Cruise "racing" a motorcycle down the West Side Highway is probably the gayest photo of him I've ever seen. [AP]
• For those besides Hillary Clinton who still care, Commander in Chief is officially cancelled. The last three episodes were pulled and won't air til summer. Helpfully, the article points out that the show started tanking almost immediately after Mark-Paul Gosselaar joined the cast. [E! online]
• And remember that nice photo of Ryan Seacrest and Teri Hatcher sucking face? The one that just made your heart melt, made you shed a tear for the days of lost innocence, true love, knights in shining armor, ponies? Yeah, well turns out they broke up like five minutes after that was taken. [People]

• Awwww, damned if everybody's favorite doe-eyed anchor Anderson Cooper isn't having a tough time maintaining an audience at CNN's NewsNight—even among the younger demographic. I'M VINDICATED, BITCHES!!! AARON BROWN FOR PRESIDENT!! [Variety]
• Yesterday, just seconds after feeling the excruciating pain of his lungs nearly bursting after eight airless minutes underwater, David Blaine discovered the far more excruciating pain of failing to live up to hype in front of a live national television audience. [AP]
• Some Denver bar owners and restaurateurs are annoyed that The Real World's large production crews are asking them in advance to limit crowds on certain nights so they can film. Oh, spontaneous, "reality" TV! Gets me every time! [Reality Blurred]
• And American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino will play herself in a Lifetime movie this summer, directed by Debbie Allen and costarring Loretta Devine. Depending on your perspective, this is either 1) a confluence of urban-contemporary estrogen to humble even Oprah Herself or 2) the gayest movie since Cabaret. [Zap2it]

• Ashlee Simpson's nose job is officially out of the bag, yet she continues to be coy about it. For god's sake, WE'RE NOT BLIND. Admittedly it's a great nose job—nearly up there in the pantheon with the famed Chenbot nose job—but nonetheless did nothing to fix that pesky "no-talent-ass clown" trait. [Egotastic]
• In perhaps the most mature statement she's ever made about relationships, Paris Hilton says she's perhaps better suited to having a gay boyfriend. Yep, and then when you officially get bored with him you can just foist him off on your mother! [PinkNews.co.uk]
• So... what to do when your poll numbers are down, your new movie opened below expectations, people are accusing you of falsely non-impregnanting your non-wife, and you're 5'7" to boot? Get shoe lifts! [NY Daily News]

In what is just another indicator of TVgasm's power and influence leading up to its inevitable global domination: Just one month after TVgasm readers voiced their rage with prematurely cancelled shows, the Bravo network has ordered Brilliant But Cancelled back on the air... sort of.

The ironically short-lived Logo show Brilliant But Cancelled is getting a second chance, thanks to Bravo or NBC or Universal or GE or whoever the hell owns it nowadays, with www.BrilliantButCancelled.com. It's part of the ongoing bombardment of broadband television and one step closer to TV brain chip implants. Now I'm not one to sit and speculate on meritless facts that have no base or foundation in reality, but this is clearly an example of the TVgasm readers' power over the Hollywood "thinkers."

I suggest we further explore our power and see what other ideas we can come up with for Hollyweird.

I envision a world with a daytime soap in the vein of General Hospital, Days of Our Lives, Young and the Restless, and so on. The show will be very serious, very romantic, very sexy. The catch—it's shot with only "little people actors" but on slightly larger than full-sized sets. They'd never acknowledge size... it would just be.

How about you? Any ideas to share with the H'wood deciders now that TVgasm clearly has the power? Think of it as an open pitch session... what'ya got?

UPDATE - TVgasm reader Wade points out that it may not in fact have been due to our post a month ago that Bravo acquired the rights to the show, the domain, and built the programming to support the website, citing an article form a reputable trade magazine from three months before TVgasm's post..while I suppose all that may technically be "true," due to the fact that it takes the piss out of the spirit of my post, I choose to ignore the article Wade links to and keep living in the reality where I am as important as my mom says I am, thus keeping the spirit of the post intact!

• Once again George Michael has had a wee bit of a traffic incident—this time falling asleep at the wheel at a London traffic light, weaving around, crashing into some things, and then speeding off. Women drivers... [News of the World]
• A recent autograph enthusiasts' poll voted Johnny Depp the best celebrity autographer and Cameron Diaz the worst. Go easy on her, she probably just never learned to write. [AP]
• World's classiest couple Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are awaiting a verdict from a court psychologist before deciding whether to lift Ms. Richards's restraining order. In the meantime, Mr. Sheen will be busy consulting five-figure hookers for a "second opinion." [AP]
• And as a HILARIOUS prank on his reality show Juiced, O.J. Simpson pretended to sell his infamous white Ford Bronco on a used car lot, boasting that the car had been a great getaway vehicle for him. Next week he'll visit a vintage clothing store to pawn off "this great pair of gloves [he] used once." [AP]

• After months of disinterested nonspeculation, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are officially engaged. The wedding is sure to be a pale, gangly affair. [CNN]
• Original Survivor Richard Hatch has been sentenced to 51 months in federal prison for tax evasion. Fortunately, Mr. Hatch is already acquainted with the, uh, "prevailing local customs" of all-male penitentiaries. [AP]
• ABC is massively revamping its fall schedule, introducing more than a dozen new shows, cancelling Invasion, and moving Grey's Anatomy to Thursday nights at 9:00 (against CSI). Nice... I'm up for a rousing Ellen Pompeo-Marg Helgenberger showdown ANYTIME. [AP]
• A brief public service announcement. I love the new TVgasm forums. But people: by now, even saying that saying that the saying "jumped the shark" has jumped the shark has... jumped the shark. I beseech you: please, NO MORE. If you absolutely must, maybe say something like "This show has most certainly o'erleapt the porpoise."
• This weekend a drive-by thief stole a gift basket that Paris Hilton had arranged to be delivered to Kathy Hilton's house for Mother's Day. The basket allegedly contained nearly $10,000 worth of designer shoes, sunglasses, handbags, perfume, and dildos. [AP]
• And finally, everyone's favorite snorkeler David Blaine has announced that his next stunt will be to "live harmoniously among wild beasts... alone in the jungle." Great! Be sure not to let me know how that goes. [NY Post]

BUT FIRST: A photo with the fans. Chenbot-ilicious!

Last week was upfronts time -- the big, annual event when the networks unveil and preview their fall lineups. Of course, it's never as simple as that. This ain't no Power Point demonstration. Upfronts come with a fresh dose of pomp and circumstance. Networks haul out singers and dancers, renting out lavish facilities (Radio City Music Hall, Lincoln Center) and throwing major parties in the process. As one of the added benefits for us, the stars usually come out to play too, and luckily, some of our secretly embedded TVgasm fans / cousins were able to infiltrate the CBS upfronts. Not only were these ravishing damsels able to see all the action up close, but they managed to find the TVgasm Holy Grail (note the Chenbot, above). They also snapped a shot with The Hippies, Jeric, and Raylonda from The Amazing Race. That image (along with a brief description of the event) after the jump.

And if you have any fun photos from the upfronts, email them to me at b-side@tvgasm.com.

• Infant jaded-fabulosity icon Zahara Jolie apparently has come down with a mystery illness, screaming and refusing to sleep. Hell, if I were trapped in the Namib Desert with two mohawked dumbasses and a pregnant alien I'd EAT BROKEN GLASS if it got me outta there. [The Sun]
• ABC has tipped Charlie Gibson to be the new face of World News Tonight, replacing interim anchor Elizabeth Vargas. In related news, authorities have finally tranquilized a shrieking, foaming-at-the-mouth Diane Sawyer after a late-night window-smashing rampage over on West 66th. [ABC]
• Oh, that naughty Madonna! During one portion of her tour opener in LA this week, she donned a crown of thorns and dangled herself from a giant mirrored crucifix. I didn't realize she meant "Hung Up" LITERALLY. [Daily Mail]
• Sadly, Nicole Richie and her fiancé have called it quits. Happily, her father should have no trouble finding her a replacement suitor in the Arab world. [AP]
• A PETA poll has named Prince the "world's sexiest vegetarian." I'd start a poll to determine the "world's dumbest poll," but I think that question's already been answered. [AP]
• And at this point I'm out of Michelle Rodriguez imprisonment jokes, so if you'd like to have a write-in contest next time, I'm sure it can be arranged. [People]

By Umnata

Last week in New York City, Madison Avenue was overcome with swag-aholic advertisers to whom the networks unveiled their fall schedules, otherwise known as the "upfronts." It’s during this week that we find out which of our favorite shows are getting renewed (yay! Veronca Mars and The Loop), which ones are getting the boot (I’ll never let go, Everwood. I’ll never let go), and which we’re soon to obsess over (potential so far: Heroes, Vanished, Ugly Betty). So without further ado here’s what went down last week in New York, starting with The CW.

By Umnata

Last week, the networks revealed and previewed their fall schedules in what's called "the upfronts." Here is a look at Fox's slate.

Fox is really going with an “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” attitude for its upcoming season. The new dramas they greenlit are primarily dramas that will fit in quite nicely with hits like 24, Bones and Prison Break. Not that I’m complaining, since I love all three of those shows. Fox did have a few surprises up it’s sleeve however. Well not a few, but one big one: the midseason return of The Loop, one of the big surprise renewals of the season. They are also giving the scripted sitcom a whirl, with the inclusion of two new comedies, one of which looks promising, the other of which does not (and both of which will get crushed on Thursdays at 8:00).

By Umnata

As I continue my coverage from way beyond the sidelines, I take on the CBS schedule, which was revealed last week at the annual "upfronts", the first presentation of the networks fall schedules to advertisers. Here's what CBS has got going on in 2006-2007.

As much TV as I watch, and umm, it’s a lot, I don’t really get into much of the CBS lineup. Over the past few years CBS has dyed some of its grey hair and with the help of CSI and reality-hits like The Amazing Race and Survivor, has started to reach a younger, more lucrative, demographic. With so many shows performing well, they aren’t looking to make all that many changes to their schedule, only premiering 3 new dramas and 1 comedy at the start of the regular season. The fact that CBS is only putting one true procedural on the air (at least it’s a law show, and not another CSI – damn you William Peterson and your exemplary crime scene investigation skills!) is proof that the risks they are taking are existent, yet measured. Kind of like when a senior citizen changes their Metamucil flavor.

• First, in case you missed it at the end of last week, gaze upon the movie magic that is Faye Dunaway 2.0.
• Not to be outdone by that tramp Gwen Stefani, Angelina Jolie has birth'd a baby girl named Shiloh Nouvel. Damn! I had ten grand on GETTYSBURG NUEVO. [E! online]
• May 31st will mark Katie Couric's last appearance on the Today show. Start self-medicating posthaste to brace yourself for the severe, hedgehog-faced onslaught of Meredith Vieira in September. [AP]
• X-Men: The Last Stand blew away the box office this weekend, raking in $120 million. Fortunately, thousands of virile young midshipmen were on hand in Manhattan to help Hugh Jackman celebrate. [Box Office Mojo]
• And Paris Hilton has decided to include reggae and hip-hop sounds on her new album. Not for artistic reasons, but simply because she hopes to slip in a few instances of the N-word with impunity. [AP]

By Umnata

My coverage of the "upfronts" in New York—the television networks' annual presentation of their fall schedules to foaming-at-the-mouth advertisers and media outlets—continues with a look at ABC's fall schedule.

In probably the biggest shakeup of the season, ABC has made plans to move Sunday night juggernaut Grey's Anatomy (which has now surpassed Desperate Housewives as the network's number one show) to Thursdays at 9PM. The shakeup is necessary for ABC, though. After an out-of-nowhere 2004 season that launched Desperate Housewives, Lost, and Grey's Anatomy as monster hits, none of ABC's shows from last season are making it back for sophomore seasons (except What About Brian, which was one of the biggest surprise renewals this year, and I think had more to do with appeasing executive producer J. J. Abrams than anything else). It doesn't help that ABC is still smarting from the colossal flameout of Commander in Chief (this is what happens when you hire Geena Davis, people), which was poised to be the "next great drama," with huge ratings and positive reviews last fall, until it crashed and burned under the weight of its own pedigree.

With a look at NBC’s schedule, my coverage of the 2006-2007 upfronts (the annual presentation of network’s new schedules to media outlets and advertisers) comes to a close.

NBC is in the worst shape of the 5 major networks. It’s coming off yet another disastrous year and they’ve been facing this downward trend ever since the loss of The Jennifer Aniston Show, otherwise known as Friends. After foolishly betting on the charm of Joey to carry the Must See TV torch, NBC settled on the Donald’s hairpiece to keep the network relevant on Thursdays with The Apprentice. Now after that show and the Donald himself have begun to show their age, NBC is betting on a series of new shows and young hits to keep their dreams of world television domination alive in 2006-2007. That’s not to say that last year was a total waste: the game show, Deal or No Deal, hosted by Bobby’s World creator/the world’s most famous OCD patient Howie Mandel, was a surprise hit last season, as was the new comedy My Name is Earl.

NBC also has some of the most talked about shows of the new season, including not one but two about the backstage madness going on at an SNL-style show. One, 30 Rock a half-hour comedy from the mind of Tina Fey, the other an hour-long drama Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, from West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin. This season, NBC said goodbye to two of the network's longest running, most decorated shows, Will & Grace (Most. Depressing Series Finale. Ever.) and The West Wing. Cancelled are the aforementioned Joey (burning off its last few episodes sometime this summer), the Law & Order-spin-off Conviction (Does this mean Stephanie March will head back to SVU? Pretty Please?), E-Ring and reality shows Fear Factor and The Apprentice: Martha Stewart Concentration Camp. NBC was actually the first of the networks to reveal its schedule but held a press conference last week to reveal major updates to its new schedule. The reason? Grey’s Anatomy’s move to Thursdays at 9PM where it was going to compete against/demolish Studio 60, which was in position to reignite Must See TV Thursday. You see, Meredith Grey doesn’t only destroy lives in Seattle Grace; hers is the most deadly plague since the spreading of the McPheever. Also it should be noted that Scrubs HAS been renewed for a full season, but its premiere date has not yet been confirmed. At first it was speculated that it would return midseason, but with the recent shakeups to the schedule, it could return earlier. To find out what other surprises NBC has in store for us, join me after the jump!

• Lark Voorhies, a.k.a. Lisa from Saved by the Bell, has filed a libel lawsuit against the National Enquirer for a 2005 article claiming that she has a drug problem. She asserts that the story cost her several potential acting jobs, hosting gigs, and worst of all, an invitation to Oprah's Legends Ball. [AP]
• Speaking of: first Auschwitz, now the Navajo reservation? Oprah really is hitting all the great vacation spots this year. [AP]
• For those who were waiting breathlessly, The Simple Life 4 debuts this Sunday on E!, now known as the "Sloppy Seconds Network." [AP]
• Rachel Weisz gave birth to an aristocratically-cheekboned, mildly snaggletoothed baby boy last night. What is with pregnant Best Supporting Actresses? Marcia Gay Harden? Catherine Zeta-Jones? STOP MULTIPLYING. [Us Weekly]
• Anna Nicole Smith is five months pregnant as well. In a video posted on her website, she said, "Let me stop all the rumors. Yes, I am pregnant. I am also a dime-store hooker. Shocker, I know." [AP]

• And Shiloh Jolie-Pitt has already become an internet magnate, with three domain names registered on her behalf. Through her publicist, she issued a press release stating she also plans to be a steel tycoon and cattle baroness, but not before two divorces and a stint in rehab. [E! online]

• It's official: the first photos of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt have been sold to Time Warner (the parent of People magazine) for $4.1 MILLION. All proceeds are going toward the construction of a Baby Prada factory outlet in Addis Ababa. [NY Post]
• Soon-to-be-ex-Mrs. Paul McCartney, Heather Mills, apparently had a brief but titillating stint as a porn actress in an explicit German coffee-table book published in 1988. She WOULD be all schmutzig in her Frauplatz. [The Sun]
• American Idol non-winner Chris Daughtry has turned down an offer to become the new frontman of Fuel. Instead, he's considering positions with Bread, Air, and several other "staple" bands. [Reality Blurred]
• Oprah went on a rampage this weekend, crashing several wedding receptions in the Tulsa area in order to tape footage for her show. Next week she plans to airdrop a shitload of Pontiacs on some civil unions in Provincetown. [AP]
• And thankfully, Britney Spears has hired a "manny" to help care for her baby and provide a responsible male presence in the household. Fifty bucks says she marries this guy within two weeks. [Daily Mail]

• Cybill Shepherd will chow box on The L Word next season. And also offer beauty tips. [AP]
• Beyoncé is searching for several female musicians to back her up on her next tour. Hmm, maybe try DESTINY'S CHILD. [CNN]
• Matt Damon and his faceless, unknown wife have had a baby girl named Isabella. Matt, Matt, Matt. Traditional names of that sort will get you nothing on the tabloid baby-photo circuit. [AP]
• In the latest round of his custody battle with Kim Basinger, Alec Baldwin must now undergo psychiatric evaluation before he can have any further visits with his daughter. The court cited the need to determine whether Baldwin's "chronic sweatiness" and "acute puffiness" present any danger to the child. [BBC]
• And just FYI, Lindsay Lohan is not a party girl. It upsets her so much to hear such things that she just might do something rash, like turn to cocaine. [CNN]

• Having conquered the worlds of overacting, aerial modeling, and B-list hosting (the Alma Awards, solamente on ABC), Eva Longoria is entering the realm of letters. So what's she writing—a memoir? poetry? perhaps a zesty bildungsroman? Nah, porn. [Book Standard]
• People magazine has named American Idol Taylor Hicks this year's hottest "single and ready to mingle" male star. The list also includes Jake Gyllenhaal, Matthew McConaughey, Ryan Seacrest, and other stalwarts of "confirmed bachelorhood." [People]
• Last night, singer Rufus Wainwright re-created Judy Garland's legendary 1961 comeback concert, song-by-song, to an enraptured audience at Carnegie Hall. Such was the confluence of nonheterosexuality that during "Zing! Went the Strings of My Heart" the entire auditorium simply burst into flame. [AP]
• Dustin Diamond—Screech from Saved by the Bell—is deep in debt and needs your help to pay off his mortgage. His genius business plan? SELLING T-SHIRTS. [via Defamer]
• In sharp contrast, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is already not merely an internet empresario but also a fashion maven who MOVES MERCHANDISE. Next week she plans to foray boldly into oilfield services and leveraged buyouts. [ABC]
• And for your safety, don't insult Scientology in front of Jenna Elfman OR SHE'LL CUT YOU. [TMZ]

• When NBC crews showed up at Britney Spears's house last week to film her train-wreck interview with Matt Lauer, they were shocked to find that she'd done her makeup and hair herself and had no handlers or publicists present. Perhaps she'd already sent them ahead to Namibia to prep her sloppy-seconds birthing den. [NY Post]
• Put some diet shrimp on the barbie! Nicole Kidman's bony, boring birthday party and wedding are this week. [AP]
• Angelina Jolie apparently will not rest until she's collected a baby of EVERY HUE KNOWN TO MAN. In 2008, she plans to release a branded line of skin-tone Crayola crayons with names like "Zahara," "Maddox," "Shiloh," "[Aboriginal baby TBA]," "[Inuit baby TBA]," and "[Latino/a baby TBA]." [Reuters]
• Last week, PETA operatives secretly won an eBay auction for a dinner with Beyoncé, then ambushed her at the dinner with anti-fur videos and propaganda. Low-quality, empathetically embarrassing video here. [TMZ]
• And Dan Rather is officially done at CBS. He now plans to turn to his true calling, writing insane, wildly context-inappropriate, mixed-metaphor-laden Hallmark cards. "Courage." [CBS]

• Foreign policy heavyweight Cher has visited Congress to share her views on the issue of combat helmets for U.S. soldiers. Could be useful, frankly, what with her decades of experience with battleship videography. [AP]
• Connie Chung claims that her shocking farewell on Weekends with Maury & Connie was a "giant self-parody" and that if you took it seriously you "really need to get a life." Just FYI. [AP]
• Perhaps predictably, Zahara distrusts new baby Shiloh and is plotting her destruction. [Defamer]
• Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake have broken up after three years, apparently because she's "too clingy." She's devastated; he's already hiring $800-an-hour hookers in Las Vegas. [NY Post]
• Turns out American Idol runner-up Katharine McPhee had a little McPhoodphobia prior to her Idol run. Bingeing and purging seven times a day? That seems excessive even for bulimia. [E! online]
• And Reese Witherspoon is suing the shit out of Star magazine for claiming that she's pregnant when apparently in fact she isn't. Whatever honey, you pop out like two of those things a year, so we'll assume WHATEVER THE HELL WE WANT. [TMZ]

1923 - 2006

Although some doctors attribute his death to a stroke, with the first season of So NoTORIous wrapping in late spring, the most-likely cause of death is shame.

• Candidates from the new season of The Apprentice caused a minor debacle during a task at an L.A. Galaxy soccer game this weekend. After the teams presented two lame GNC-sponsored halftime skits, fans booed mightily and refused to participate in the voting that was meant to determine which team's skit won. Carolyn was most displeased. [Reality Blurred]
• Yay, Nicole Kidman got married again! And this time not to Scientology! I was fascinated to learn that her father is as waxy and botoxed as she is. [CNN]
• Speaking of porcelain complexions, Marcia Cross married stock broker Tom Mahoney over the weekend. According to one trusted source, "Tom Mahoney" is actually the stage name of a 6'4" Finnish lesbian named Vilhelmiina Hamalainen. Best wishes to the happy couple! [E! online]
• Barbara Walters has struck a deal with Sirius Satellite Radio to air some of her most memorable interviews on a radio show two hours a week. It's unclear to me how they plan to convey the crucial soft-focus element over the airwaves. [AP]
• And just FYI, Santino Rice was the true winner of last season's Project Runway. Just in case you're one of those "stupid assheads" who was under the impression the winner was, say, Chloe Dao. [TV Guide]

• So you're Britney Spears. You're a little bit "country." You just had a disastrous interview on national TV. How to cope? Sling your melons all over the cover of Bazaar, clearly. [Gawker]
• Speaking of bitches, by now they could probably populate a small nation with all the maids Naomi Campbell has smacked up. [AP]
• Speaking further of bitches, Eddie, the Jack Russell terrier from Frasier, has died at 16. Awww. [E! online]
• In an mildly amusing E! online poll, the "You don't get to call me a whore" spat from Grey's Anatomy was voted this year's Best Fight on TV. Primarily due to Ellen Pompeo's viral-video "PICK ME, CHOOSE ME" campaign. [E! online]
• Pictures from the Jolie-Pitt baby shower have been stolen and leaked to the press. Clearly the culprit is Zahara, as part of her guerrilla offensive to undermine the market value of her untrustworthy new sibling. [E! online]
• And finally, what a difference a day makes. After Star Jones's puppies-ponies-and-BFFs announcement yesterday that she's leaving The View, the situation has deteriorated considerably, to say the least. Star's big on-air surprise—the rest of the cast wasn't expecting it til tomorrow—royally pissed off Barbara Walters, who RAILED into Star on this morning's show and announced—tastefully and in soft focus, of course—that Star will not be coming back, EVER. See Clipgasm below. [AP]

This morning at some ungodly hour the 58th Annual Primetime Emmy nominations were announced by past Emmy winners Brad Garrett and Julia Louis-Dreyfus (herself an Emmy contender for The New Adventures of Old Christine). After year after year of hearing the same old tired series get nominated, a major revamp has been put in place to help the voting process along. A committee of Emmy voting members was assembled and they whittled down the huge entries in each category to about 10 - 15 potential nominees. Then the entire Academy votes the top five from that smaller list. The theory is that lazy voters (you know who you are!) won't just mindlessly check the Will & Grace box if they aren't overwhelmed with 25-plus nominees in every category. It's a great theory, but did it help the shows it was supposed to -- like Veronica Mars, Gilmore Girls and Battlestar Galactica? Find out after the jump.

m_ruv is on Newsgasm holiday this summer; so in the meantime, I'll be filling in. To the news!

• A Project Runway model is in serious condition after being struck by a bus. Driving that bus? Jade. [New York Daily News (mild Runway spoilers, beware)]


• Comedy Central will finally be re-airing the notorious South Park Scientology episode, "Trapped in the Closet," on July 19th. Sadly, this is probably just a crafty way to distract us from the fact that the network just ordered a third season of Mind of Mencia. It's kind of like when the doctor gives you a lollipop and then rips off the Band-Aid. [AP, Reuters]


• Fox has launched a new PSA featuring Jack Bauer a.k.a. Kiefer Sutherland talking about the perils of MySpace. In the spot, he captures a pedophile, tortures him with lamp wires, shoots him in the kneecap, and then leaves a flashing, sparkling comment saying, "Thanks for the add!" [Gawker]


• Contrary to what esteemed news purveyor In Touch magazine reports, Star Jones will not be joining Fox News. However, we do hear she's up for a cushy spot at the Old Country Buffet. [Page Six]


• As for news that no one really cares about, Nick and Aaron Carter got into a random brawl that was totally not for the cameras on their new reality show. Apparently the fight broke out when the incestuous homoerotic tension became just too unbearable. [People]

• At the Monte Carlo TV Festival, Botox enthusiast Ellen Pompeo allegedly refused to do any interviews with her fellow cast members. We're not sure what caused the friction, but we're thinking there may have been a violation of The Pomp's stringent "YOU DON'T GET TO CALL ME A WHORE" policy. [Page Six]


• Speaking of junket antics, Brandon Routh apparently had a tantrum at a London press tour when he felt his makeup "made him look pale, artificial, and 'a bit wimpy.'" He then realized that he was simply watching Superman Returns. [Daily Mail]


• Unsealed documents from the Neverland Ranch have revealed a note from Macaulay Culkin to Michael Jackson in which he wrote, "To Apple Head. Always remember keep Apple Head Club Doo Doo Head Alive." According to the Page Six, "Jackson and his special young male pals were 'Doo Doo Heads' and their secret society 'the Apple Club.'" Funny, I always thought it should be Poopy Faces and the Fraternal Order of Elderberries. [Page Six]


• It's official. The New York Times has officially caught on to the Pants-Off Dance-Off craze. Might we now see Frank Rich and Maureen Dowd shedding their clothes to an old Sheena Easton video? [New York Times]


• According to guests of the show, all remnants of Star Jones have been removed from The View. Not even the group pictures on the walls remain -- just a bunch of "sad little nails." Those nails' names: Barbara, Joy, and Elizabeth. [New York Daily News]


• Bloody hell! Some DONKEY burned Gordon Ramsay in the eye. F*@KING C@#T!!! [Daily Mail]

• Former child star and aspiring Muppet Haley Joel Osment was hospitalized after crashing his car into a brick pillar in the wee hours of the morning. It would have been cuter seven years ago. [AP]


• Jessica Biel successfully whores herself out for charity, auctioning off a date for $30,000. The winner told TVgasm.com that "I just really want to see her mature, Faye Dunaway face up close." [AP]


• Britney Spears has proven yet again to be a master wordsmith. On her website, she muses about the transfixing powers of tigers, writing, "They make you wonder what is behind their gaze. A sense of eerie awe comes over you in their presence. The fear they give you when you pass them is stunning. Behold the beauty of the tiger!" And behold the power of marijuana! [Page Six, BritneySpears.com]


• Fox plans to debut a new, national morning show in January. It's tentative title: "Have An AWFUL Morning!" [New York Times]


• New Line has nixed advanced critics screenings for Snakes on the Plane. That's okay. The buzz has peaked anyway. Now, if they decide to rename it Cold Hearted Snakes on a Plane and cast Paula Abdul as a harried passenger, then I might get excited again. [Variety]

• After being found guilty of tax evasion earlier this year, Survivor winner Richard Hatch has been sent to an Oklahoma jail. His lawyer says "It's bad for Richard, who is an outdoor person." Threat of constant butt-rape? Not so bad. But the indoor confines? HORRENDOUS! [AP]


• Tina Fey and Rachel Dratch will be leaving Saturday Night Live to focus on their new sitcom, 30 Rock. This means SNL will be in the capable hands of such vets as Horatio Sanz and Seth Myers. In other news, SNL has now become the worst show EVER.


• The Television Critics Awards honor Grey's Anatomy (program of the year), Lost (best achievement in drama), The Office (best achievement in comedy), and My Name is Earl (best new program), among others. Strangely enough, Hope & Faith edges out Flavor of Love in the Best Achievement in Skanky Ho's category. [AP]


• At a recent Madonna concert, a pack of rabid fans rushed to the front row, effectively blocking the view of a wheelchair-bound man. Luckily, Leonardo DiCaprio swooped in and asked the handicapped concert-goer, "Why don't you come sit with me, and I'll just move over?" Yes, a celebrity shows basic common courtesy, and it qualifies as news. [New York Post]


• And in case you didn't hear, Rob and Amber have a new reality show that will air on the Fox Reality network. The series will follow Rob's attempts to become a professional poker player while Amber "does her best to be supportive in the risky venture." The show is tentatively titled, Ambah, Pokah, and Othah Wicked Awesome Things. [Variety]

• Plus-sized star Mo'Nique was kicked off a United Airlines flight when the crew allegedly thought a hairdryer in her entourage's carry-on luggage posed a threat. Officials explained that they didn't feel comfortable having someone on board who might potentially barge through the reinforced cockpit door, but the airline later recanted the statement when they discovered they had simply mistaken the actress for the Kool-Aid man. [Entertainment Tonight]


• Ken Jennings blasts Jeopardy on his website, calling it the "Dorian Gray of syndication." The national media flips out, but then awkwardness ensues as the entire concept of "satire" enters the fray. [Ken-Jennings.com, E! Online]


• CBS has greenlit a pilot order of The Singing Office where cameras force one unsuspecting office worker into an impromptu karaoke performance. The best singers are then flown to Hollywood where they will perform a choreographed routine in hopes of winning a cash prize for their office. Memo to self: have HR contact Kelly Clarkson. [Hollywood Reporter via Yahoo!]


• Prison Break star Wentworth Miller says the joy of applying a faux tattoo to his torso has long since worn thin. Let's just hope for his sake that Michael Scoffield doesn't try to hide more architectural diagrams in a Prince Albert. [AP]


• Melanie Martinez, the hostess of Sprout's The Good Night Show, was fired from her post after execs learned she had appeared in satirical videos that inform women on how to stay virgins. This might explain that bizarre "My Body Is My Temple" lullaby episode. [AP]


• The Los Angeles Times catches up with VJs of yore. Oddly, they neglect to mention that Jesse Camp presently works at Olympic Pet Shop in West LA. And you think I'm joking... [Los Angeles Times]


• And lastly, Tom Petty has apparently turned into Diane Keaton (see photo above).

• In not so shocking news, N*SYNC member Lance Bass has said bye bye bye to his heterosexuality in a People Magazine interview where he reveals that he is in fact gay and dating Amazing Race winner Reichen Lehmkuhl. Rumors about their relationship have been circulating the internet for months as various paparazzi photos have shown the two suspiciously close together. Lance explains that he struggled with the decision to come out, fearing that he might destroy N*SYNC. Because let's face it -- the last thing you associate with a boy band is gayness. [People Magazine]

• Mel Gibson was arrested over the weekend for a DUI, and allegedly, he unleashed a torrent of anti-Semitic comments such as "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Thank God he said it. I was really getting sick of having Tom Cruise as our ranking crazy superstar. [AP]


• Lindsay Lohan is back to work after a weekend feud with the president of Morgan Creek, the studio producing her latest movie. The exec, James Robinson, told reporters today that "I've never had a minute's trouble with her. She's every inch a lady." He then added, "Firecrotch." [Reuters]


• Just when you thought Lance Bass's "very stable" relationship with Reichen Lehmkuhl was the gay fairy tale of 2006, reports are now surfacing that Lance has grown weary of his Aryan superman. Allegedly, Reichen forced Lance out of the closet so he could ride the publicity wave to promote his new book. That book's title, "I'm the Guy Dating Lance Bass!" [New York Post]


• Jay Leno and Kevin Smith will be among several celebrities filling in for recovering post-op film critic Roger Ebert on his show Ebert & Roeper at the Movies. The stars will mix it up with Richard Roeper, thus assuring that now no one will get any sort of useful film criticism from the show. [E! Online]


• MTV turns 25 tomorrow, but don't expect any festivities. The network is reticent to show its age. In lieu of a massive pat on its back, MTV instead offers up its latest VMA noms. Yay! [AP: MTV at 25, VMA Noms]


• Finally, there's a bunch of generic reality shows heading our way this fall. Enjoy. [Reality Blurred]

At TVgasm, we get all sorts of media alerts and press releases in our emails. Not all of them are relevant to what it is we do, and some are just plain silly. Often times people craft random yet clever ways to weave a plug for their business into headline news. This is one such email. It came across my desk this morning, and while normally it wouldn't make the pages of TVgasm.com something about it had to be shared. Read the full press release after the jump.

Not sure how long this post will be relevant as cease and desist orders are sure to be sent shortly...that is unless of course these were in fact leaked by the network or production companies to create viral buzz....but who would do that? For those of you interested in checking out some of the future fall line up before committing TiVO time to a show, two pilots have made their way onto this interweb.

One for STUDIO 60 (NBC) the show that's not Saturday Night Live, but is about a show like Saturday Night Live that isn't at all Saturday Night Live not to be confused with Saturday Night Live alum, Tina Feys, show 30 ROCK, that is not Saturday Night Live still, but rather a series about a Saturday Night Live type of show called "Friday Night Bits"....man I'm exhausted...I watched 20 minutes of the pilot and got really bored.

The other pilot is for OUR 30s (ABC) a sitcom like FRIENDS but with good writers. It's not brilliant, but for a sitcom...it ain't bad.

All the segments are available after the jump....

• Joy Behar has suggested the ultimate act of repentance for Mel Gibson: circumcision. C'mon Joy. That's not fair. We all know Mel hates bloody, gratuitous forms of torture and menace. [AP]


• The CW is developing a new reality show, The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll, in which several slatternly women from across the country will compete to join the ubiquitous pop group, The Pussycat Dolls. Winners earn the right to smile and let that one girl still do all the singing. [Variety]


• Angelina Jolie allegedly requested a female server when she recently dined in the swanky steakhouse Dakota in Hollywood. Apparently, the buxom actress felt that male servers gawk at her too much -- especially when they read the dinner specials to her vagina. [New York Post]


• Fear not. Queer Eye has not been cancelled. It's merely become irrelevant in pop culture. [TMZ]


• For all those needing to get their stalk on, a collection of luminaries will be descending on Element tonight in Hollywood. Those expected to attend: JC Chasez, Travis Barker, Kristin Cavallari, Tara Reid, the cast of The Hills, and me on the sidewalk with my digital camera. [NY Daily News]


• And finally, Diddy held his annual White Party in St. Tropez yesterday. We would have gone, but Big Brother was on. Sorry, Puff. Rain check? [TMZ]

• According to Us Weekly, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are engaged. This is all well and good, but their baby will still be uglier than Brangelina's. [Us Weekly]


• Malaysia has fined the Pussycat Dolls for a recent concert that was deemed too lewd and lascivious with its "sexually suggestive routines" and "sensuous elements." It's a shocking development considering the band's previous track record of only tasteful sluttiness. [AP]


• NBC has announced a new talent competition (don't groan yet) to find the next Sandy Dumbrowski and Danny Zuko for a stage revival of Grease. The show, named You're The One That I Want, will be a cross between American Idol and EVERY AWFUL HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL EVER. (And yes, I will be watching). [Variety]


• Jason Sehorn has revealed that he spices up his love life by having wife Angie Harmon dress up in little girl costumes. Another way he spices up his love life: he has sex with Angie Harmon. [NY Post]


• Sir Paul McCartney has locked Heather Mills out of his estate. Yeah, I still don't care either. [NY Daily News]

• The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences is facing heat for nominating Ellen Burstyn's 14 second performance in the HBO film, Mrs. Harris. Because the much-celebrated actress has only two lines in the movie -- 38 words total -- critics are wondering whether voters even watched the submission in the first place. Also raising suspicions: all those academy members who said they loved "the whole alien scene with the guy and stuff." [Hartford Courant]


• Paris Hilton's bizarre kinkajou beast pet has finally caved to peer pressure and bit its owner. Paris was rushed to the hospital after "Baby Luv" unleashed its fangs of fury, and while the good news is that the socialite singer is fine, the bad news is that Baby Luv now has the first reported case of the kinkajou clap. [Defamer]


• Like OMG! Laguna Beach starts in less than a week! Meet the new star, Tessa! [USA Today]


• Finally, somebody takes a stand. Esquire has labeled wee Sean Preston Federline the "Worst Dressed Man In The World." Suck it, MARTIN LANDAU! [NY Post]


• In new Victoria's Secret ads, Heidi Klum has been referring to herself as "The Body." One problem: Elle Macpherson is The Body. This should be resolved in a mud pit. Jello would be acceptable too. [NY Daily News]


• My favorite New York Times writer, Virginia Heffernan, gets stuck on the GSN beat, and she's not afraid to show her dissatisfaction. There's something absolutely wonderful about a passive-aggressive game show review. [New York Times]

Mr. & Mrs. Smith

• Britney Spears has announced that her latest pregnancy was unexpected. Apparently she didn't realize that when you stick the candy bar thing in the furry taco, babies come out. [AP]


• David Copperfield has claimed to have found the Fountain of Youth on his own private island in the Bahamas. He says the healing waters of the Exuma archipelago have restored life to many dead leaves and nearly dead insects. Other things Copperfield has found on the island: lots and lots of crack. [E! Online]


• After a two year hiatus, Gwyneth Paltrow is returning to acting. The Oscar winner says she's very excited to get back in the saddle and make another AWFUL movie. [AP]


• Kelly Clarkson got drunk while attending a concert in Hollywood this week. The pop tart was so wasted that she climbed up on stage with a bottle of liquor, stripped off her vest, and then played "a lot of air guitar." Concert-goers say the air guitar was extremely embarrassing, but they plan to secretly download it and sing along to it alone in their cars. [NY Post]


• Resident New York Times snark captain Virginia Heffernan reviews tonight's premiere of Laguna Beach. Look for enjoyable uses of the words "hermetic" and "scullery." [New York Times]


• And because we can never get enough Laguna, read a fairly obtuse account of the series from a real life classmate of Cammi, Tessa, and all the other bitches. [NY Post]

• Fox aired the Teen Choice Awards last night where K-Fed debuted his sweet hip-hop stylings. The AP called the performance not "half-bad," but then noted this morning that the reviewer had been accidentally watching a dancing Coke can instead. [AP]


• Mischa Barton was at the Teen Choice Awards too. (Just wanted to show her picture).


• Suspected JonBenet slayer John Mark Karr was flown to Colorado this weekend via business class on Thai Airways. While not watching The Last Samurai, he dined on many items, including pate, salad, fried king prawn, steamed rice, broccoli, roast duck with soy sauce, yellow noodles, pizza, chocolates, and chocolate cake. He washed this all down with a glass of chardonnay and a bottle of Evian. Sadly, it wasn't until he requested a box of Krispy-Kremes that authorities realized they had accidentally apprehended BRUCE VILANCH. [AP]


• Snakes on a Plane manages to underperform, despite all its internet buzz. This bodes poorly for the upcoming Ellen Pompeo vehicle, Newts on a Tricyle. [E! Online]


• Osama Bin Laden's former sex-slave, a woman named Boof (which is not an exotic type of queef), says that the terrorist had a morbid obsession with Whitney Houston. Even though he called her music evil, he still thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Yes, but would he remove her dingleberries? I don't think so. [NY Post]


• Mel Gibson reportedly attended a function held by an Australian group that believes the Holocaust never existed. However, the beleaguered actor's camp denies this charge, saying he never even heard of the organization. Clearly just another lie by the Jews. [NY Post].


• Harold & Kumar star Kal Penn will be joining the cast of 24. This marks a major coup for the show, which is embarking on its groundbreaking everyone-gets-stoned-at-CTU season. [Reuters]

• Long-standing New York City golden boy Sam Champion will take over as the official weatherman for Good Morning America. Sounds like the forecast calls for FABULOUS! [AP]


• 8,000 starry-eyed singers auditioned in Birmingham, AL for American Idol. With a little luck, maybe the state will bring us another superstar, just like previous Alabama winners, uh... um... the guy with gray hair and that really fat black guy who never sang again. [Reuters]


• Celebrity chef/weight-gainer Rocco DiSpirito wowed a bar crowd when he sliced and diced a case of limes in record time. Looks like somebody took an intro-level cooking course! [NY Post]


• Lindsay Lohan's incarcerated father sent the New York Daily News a cartoon depicting his relationship with his superstar daughter. Firecrotch. [NY Daily News]


• Thank goodness for Cloris Leachman. [Defamer]

• Tom Cruise continues to reel from Sumner Redstone's public smackdown, but the good news is that his company, Cruise/Wagner, has secured $100 million from private equity firms. The money will be used to fund future projects and/or fake babies. [NY Daily News]


• In case you haven't heard yet, the upcoming season of Survivor will divide tribes on racial lines. Rumor has it that the castaways will intersect with each other in convenient and stagey ways, learning simplistic lessons about their prejudices all alon