TVgasm Recaps

We have so much to talk about this week! Models, tardiness, cross-dressing- the blows never stop in Janice's house of wackness (not to be confused with the movie, which I hear is about, I dunno, graffiti n' shit).

Oh yeah, it's not just about Graffiti. Also, about making out with Ben Kingsley.

"The only way this agency is going to work, the only way these models are going to get to the next level is if I live, eat, sleep, breath with them under the same roof." Thus begins crazymorning at the crazyville mansion in crazytown, US Crazy. Of which Janice Dickenson is the mayor. I sorta wish the world worked like this. In order for an enterprise to be successful, we had to "get to to the next level" through really, really close contact. Hell, I'm trying it now. Who wants to go down to Gold's Gym with my friend Mr. Crowbar and pick out some fancy hardbodies to "get to the next level" with? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

So here's who we have in the house so far, in terms of old Model-age: Maurice (manly manly), Kehoe (date rapist) and Crystal (blonde? Boring? Doe-eyes? Meh. I'll think of a goodie soon, I'm sure.

Puddin' Face? Skeletor?

Let's hop back aboard USS Crazy, shall we? And who's the captain? Of course, our friendly octogenarian zombie, Janice Dickinson. Why, might you ask, am I not the Captain? Well, I gave it up after I headed a little voyage called the Spanish Armada. Grew out of it, you know? Lacked enjoyment. Yeah, I'm old. So? I'm still awesome and still hear to bring you a recap straight from the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency (both the agency and the show).

If you remember from last week, Janice Dickenson kicked Kehoe out because he rapes people. I mean, not for the raping people, but some comment he made to Crystal about cocaine as a joke. Close enough, right? Anyhow, the house is all abuzz, and Kehoe decides to do his hair before leaving the house. Why? Because he's classy.

I'll take my Dom Perignon to go.

Another week of Janis Dickinson, another mystery as to how Kehoe exists....

This shoot features Timberlands and old Newspapers.

This week on Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Merlin Castell comes in with whip in hand, picking models for his couture show. Crystal is called "too commercial" and Gremlin has difficulty with the models' walks and looks. Chandler calls Traci a slut and Janice has a little chit-chat with him, an the next day Crystal is picked, along with a bunch o' others, for the Merlin show. Cindera Che comes to show the models how to be sexy and drama ensues when Crystal picks Chandler to dance on and Xian picks Danny. Later, the guys talk about who the prettiest model is, and Paul digs Traci while Chandler reveals he slept in the pool boat with Crystal. Ooo! Paul confesses to Traci his true feelings and she shuts him down (but not without a delightfully awkward kiss) and the Merlin show goes without a hitch.

How many plastic lips does one woman need?

Seven till Midnight pick models for their sexy Lingerie shoot, they want plus sized models, too, though, and Nathan brings in some despite an unwilling Janice. Xian harps about her weight and at the next shoot, gets excluded from the casting, a high-end underwear butt-enhancement designer's shoot. Nadia, Dominic and Christian get this one, and Nadia decides that she wants to earn some extra dough and take her top off for the shoot. Meanwhile, the plus sizers move in and Chandler starts a fight with Elana, one of the new plus-sizers.

And Janis goes off on a lot of stuff.

This week in the JDMA, Chandler picks on plussie Alana and Marty has a little chat about acceptance with the plussies. Plus Size Model Magazine comes and casts Alana and Ivory for a shoot and though Janice doesn't like the idea, she brings FROOT LOOPS TO THE CASTING. FROOT LOOPS. The shoot is sloppy and Janice's publicist tries to smooth over Janice's plus sized ineptitudes. HA! Later, Parke & Ronen cast some men for swimwear, and it's creepy. Fetal gets jealous of Xian's flirting (especially with Danny) and Janice goes to a Justin Monroe photo shoot that is supposed to be a weird, surreal side show. And, is. Ronen gets angry at Janice for not showing up to his shoot, and they bicker on the phone.

It's finale time, folks!

So we left Ronen at the Parke & Ronen shoot yelling at our heroine...I mean heroin Janice Dickinson of the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. Janice hangs up on pedophile Ronen, saying "The Israeli Army is strong but they don't know Janice Dickinson." Right. I love people who want to take on national armies. People with such cultural and political relevance! Them's fightin' words!

Janice Dickinson: Taking on the Israelis in a sports bra.