"The only way this agency is going to work, the only way these models are going to get to the next level is if I live, eat, sleep, breath with them under the same roof." Thus begins crazymorning at the crazyville mansion in crazytown, US Crazy. Of which Janice Dickenson is the mayor. I sorta wish the world worked like this. In order for an enterprise to be successful, we had to "get to to the next level" through really, really close contact. Hell, I'm trying it now. Who wants to go down to Gold's Gym with my friend Mr. Crowbar and pick out some fancy hardbodies to "get to the next level" with? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
So here's who we have in the house so far, in terms of old Model-age: Maurice (manly manly), Kehoe (date rapist) and Crystal (blonde? Boring? Doe-eyes? Meh. I'll think of a goodie soon, I'm sure.
Puddin' Face? Skeletor?
And how does Janice begin the morning? With some early-morning bitchin,' of course! The models need to work out, the models need to eat a healthy breakfast, blah blah blah. Know what I eat for breakfast? A piping hot bowl of awesome (with Activia). It's a big day for the Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency (the agency, not the show) because the Kentucky Denim Jeans shoot is happening today! Wohoo! Get out your confederate flags and your washboard abs, models!
Know what's even better, prolly, than seeing Janice Dickenson's beef-jerky face in the morning? Seeing Brian "Date Rape" Kehoe bathing in your pool.
Crystal, where did he touch you?!?
Oh, wait, Kehoe isn't masturbating poolside to the thought of Frat Party sexual aggression, he's working out and cleaning himself in the same place. Know what other creature does that? A Pig. Believe me, I know . I have a couple. It's a little dirty at Casa awesome, but we always have bacon for breakfast. Huzzah!
Kehoe, getting back to his laps.
Chandler "fetal alcohol syndrome" Maness is super excited about the Kentucky Denim photo shoot. Why is this guy always excited? Is it his wideset eyes? His chronic memory loss? The thought of the long term effects of the prenatal binge drinking of his mother? Any way, he's always "really" excited about...pretty much everything. Even oatmeal. Fetal alcohol wants to write a song about oatmeal! Man, give this man an etch-a-sketch, or a paperweight to play with. Something.
Chandler's boner moment.
Of course, Martin, a pick of Kentucky Jeans, is super exited. Why? 1. He booked Kentucky Denim. 2. He will never hear Janice Dickenson or any of the models' voices. 3. See number 2. Jerry Ferris, Martin's interpreter, is sorta cute, too. I'd double date 'em.
There's a lot to interpret in the back seat of my car.
Of course, Martin feels alienated sometimes by...his deafness. Or maybe that he's in a house with models and lots of cameras and camera crews and that he's gorgeous. Maybe? Believe me, Martin, nothing these people say is worth hearing. I PROMISE. But back to the models that inspire less compassion...namely, everyone else: while Xian is busy doing housework, Kehoe is busy tryin' to get busy. With Xian. I love how Kehoe "feels like having a girlfriend." I doubt Xian feels the same way, unless "girlfriend" means "Turkey dinner with all the fixins'." Selina, the most boring looking model in the world, is walking around in her bra. Seriously, she looks like a cross between the head of my student council cabinet in high school and a bowl of oatmeal. Come on, Selina. Date Rape's in HEAT. Do you really want to take the chance? At least she calls Kehoe a douchebag to his face.
XIan seems to agree.
And, of course, he way Kehoe talks to the cameras in the testimonial sections of the show affirms his douchebagginess: he undulates his neck like he's all sassy and talks about how all the girls make out with him. Nice, Kehoe. Keep up the Klass, will ya? Soon you'll be soliciting sixteen year olds by the overpass and saying shit like "I was a model once" and, "if you don't get into this van you won't be gettin' no STDS this morning...I mean, lollipops. I mean, werthers originals" You know, cause he'll be old pretty soon. And, you know, old people like butterscotch candies. Soon Kehoe's obnoxious advances towards Xian and Selina get old, so Kehoe decides to torment Martin. Another reason you were blessed with deafness, Martin. Really, it seems much more of a gift than a detriment, don't you think?
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Comments (5)
I'm still reading, Monamonzano, but I thought of a caption for Martin on page 2
"What do you mean, is it my first time?!"
1 of 5 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 16, 2008 4:05 PM
A note about this enterpreter, Jerry Ferris. I immediately knew I knew him after seeing your screen cap (funny I did not notice it during the show). He was, a few years ago, a contestant on 'The Bachelorette' with the universally hated Jen Scheft, when she dumped both of the last two standing suitors on national TV after 'taking time to make up her mind'. He used to be a 'director' of some art gallery in LA, but accorging to his bio, that's the current state - "used to be". Is this where his reality tv 'fame' (LOL) took him - to be an interpreter on the Janice Dickinson show?
Nothing against interpreters - they have a very noble role in the society. It is just funny to what lengths a fame whore will go to get an extra 15 seconds on TV.
2 of 5 | Posted by renata | Posted on September 16, 2008 8:26 PM
love it, Juddfan. I was obviously preoccupied by the awesomeness of Kehoe's beatdown.
And Renata- that's CRAZY about Jerry Ferris! Nevermind, the last person I want to do is some fame-mongering Jen Scheftophile. Gross. I mean, she had a rat face! I wonder what the term in sign language is for rat face....
3 of 5 | Posted by Monamonzano | Posted on September 17, 2008 10:09 AM
Guess my follow up didn't post, but, great recap!!! I can't believe more gasmi aren't watching this . . . . classic television!!!
Interesting note on the interpreter . . . he is cute, and if he was on the bachelorette, he must be straight! (okay, I say must, but we all know . . . )
4 of 5 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 17, 2008 10:58 AM
With straightness, there are no guarantees.
-Confucious
5 of 5 | Posted by Monamonzano | Posted on September 20, 2008 10:20 PM