Testimonials

As Janice cleans the house (yeah right), she happens upon the lady-models having a little girl talk. Of course, Janice decides to park her beef-jerky ass on a bunk bed and braid some hair! yay! Let the backhanded bitching thinly veiled as girl talk begin! Crystal has a non-model boyfriend and Janice tells Hazuki to stop piercing herself. I mean, unless it's botox, then you can (as evidenced by Janice) use your head as a fucking pin cushion. But ear peircings? Out of the question. Hazuki is informed that she's going to be the new Crystal. Wha? Last time I checked, Hazuki was Japanese and Crystal was...from Jersey? That's all I can deduce from all that damned frosted makeup she wears. And, her jumpsuits. Oh, but the bitching doesn't end there. Janice's biggest concern with the models is...germs. What, not STDS? Janice, self-proclaimed germaphobe, is concerned with the models cleanliness and won't let anyone forget that... well, they're disgusting. And, that J dogg (Janice "Tales from the Crypt" Dickenson) has no boundaries. And yeah, I just called her J dogg.

Let's saran wrap Janice and call it a day.

"Cleanliness is holiness," Janice says, as her and that weird-ass security guard with a cutoff shirt disenfect the model house. If that's true, does holiness equal cleanliness? Cause then Hazuki is super-clean, too. Get it? Cause she has earrings and shit. HAHAHAHA. Yeah, I'm awesome.

But the girl talk doesn't end as Janice feverishly makes Ikea bunk beds. Janice and Crystal talk about Kehoe's "peenie" when he was scrubbing down in the pool that morning. Eww, I think even talking about Kehoe's peens gives people STDS. I know these things because I'm a doctor. In the end, Janice gets fed up making beds and cleaning because she's stressing her zombie-eque fake nails. And you know, you can't do shit with fake nails. Except yell. And, look like jerky.

But, much like the mind of a goldfish, Janice's voice over flits from one subject to another, one activity to the next. Next on the ridicule-block is Traci, the mallrat who seems to be able to put sentences together. Janice is surprised so many companies seem to be interested in Traci's fat ass. Dude, I'd love to see an eating contest between Xian and Traci. I bet Xian would win out of the sheer love of the binge. In disappointment, Traci would do some serious retail therapy at the nearest Forever 21. Get this girl a peasant shirt in pink, will ya? STAT.

So Traci and J Dogg have a "little chat." Traci isn't amused by Janice's antics, which is why I actually like her. Janice plainly makes fun of her weight, and, upon being asked to live in the model house, Traci is anything but thrilled.

Are you sure, uh, that there's a bunk big enough for me? (gulp)

The Kentucky Denim Photo Shoot, held at the *glamourous* Santa Anita Racetrack, gets the models chompin' at the bit (get it?) to horse around (I'm awesome) in front of the cameras. Liat Tala, owner of Kentucky Inbred Jeans, sort of looks like Morticia Adams crossed with the Pillsbury dough boy. Can't this show draw bigger clientelle? Or do they just get lost in Janice's wrinkles before they get a chance to be on TV? The photographer makes Kehoe and Dominic wrestle (or, wrastle,as I like to say it) amid sprinklers and hoses, and nobody's more pleased than I to see two men a'wrastlin' on a bright SoCal day. Even better, though, is that Dominic beats the SHIT outta Kehoe. I think Dominic is my new favorite model. Even better, Dominic, would you like to run for president? We'll have your abs on bumper stickers, cross the country. Stick with me, kid. Stick with me.

More Premium buttcrack by Kehoe.

Martin, of course, gets nervous about the whole deaf thing before the shoot. God, he looks so incredibly uncomfortable on a tractor. It's ridiculous. It's like he's never seen a piece of machinery in his life, and is holding in a dump. Still, Kentucky Inbred Jeans seems to dig him.

Don't have a caption for this. Still thinking of Kehoe's beatdown.

Janice leaves her coffin to make an appearance at the shoot, and is pleased by Martin's constipated-looking photographs. Geez, Martin's teeth are so white. Just sayin.' Everybody seems to..enjoy Janice and the models? Is this for real?

« Kitchen Nightmares: Stuck in the 80's | Main | The Hills: The Other Sister »

Posted in Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency by Monamonzano at 11:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Last Comment: Monamonzano on Sep 20, 2008 10:20 PM.