Back at the house, Xian is made the head chef (ha) and makes a meal for the models and Janice. There's a lot wrong with this picture, though. 1st off, are any of the models actually going to want to eat anything? I mean, don't they eat like, lean pockets or cottage cheese or something for dinner? Second of all, even if the models actually do want to eat, I think that there is no guarantee Xian won't eat the smorgasbord herself. I mean, she's a hungry, growing fatty. Right? Chandler still seems to have a boner for Xian, even as she struggles to work really hard contraptions like..ovens and microwaves.
Outside the kitchen, Janice invites Dr. Dorfman, a dentist, to come do some work on the ol' models. Dr. Bill....ew. Please don't touch the models. You seem...greasy n' gross. Still he manages to put his paws all over Polina, alien-face. Watch out Dr. Dorfman, I think her spittle's made of like, turpentine or some other sort of highly acidic alien juice. I only know this because I made out with an alien, once, and it was like I got mouth-sunburned. Still, we dated for like, a year. Go figure.
I SAID, OPEN UP FOR THE NICE MAN!
Polina makes up some story about being a kid in Russia and banging her little jaw on a swing. I mean, I'm not saying she's lying, I'm just saying replace Russia with saturn and swing with spacecraft. That's all I'm saying....
Xian's meal goes over well, even with J dogg, who only eats once a year, and even then, I think she only eats like, botox burgers. Even creepy ol Dr. Dorfman likes Xian's food! He's like the guy down the block with that nice police-monitoring ring around his ankle. Yay!
Oh, but there are more surprises in store...apparently, it is totally cool and hygenic to cut one's hair inside a big house with lots of people. And who's it gonna be? Hazuki, of course. Why? because she's sorta boring, or at least isn't getting fat or dating Janice's son. Come on, hair cuttery makes for great TV, just watch Top Model, a real show about real budding models. So, it goes, and Hazuki gets a nice, soccer-mom bob.
Gotcher Hair, bitch!
Apparently, it's also a big moment for Crystal, because she, too got her hair cut once. Wow. this show is jam-packed with well-deserved tears and auspicious occasions. I love how emotional people get about hair. It seems so...justified. In every way.
Precious Moments.
The drama doesn't end there, folks! Forget Hazuki, she's too grateful and placid. Back to Kehoe. Right? Always back to Kehoe. All the girls in the house hate him. Traci and Kehoe argue over sharing a bed, which makes me dislike Traci, now. Come on, sometimes you're cool, and sometimes...you want to sleep in the same bed as Kehoe? what's up? Do you have a raging case of scabies that need to be shared? Or maybe you have some sort of contagious rash that (cross your fingers) you want to give to Kehoe. Still, I don't get it. And, watch your drink.
Chandler, of course, is pissed at Kehoe because he wants to go to bed early. Is there ANYTHING interesting about Chandler, besides having fetal alcohol syndrome? Janice is pissed at Kehoe's behavior, too, but she's sure as hell not going to let him out of the house. I mean, he's obviously great T.V. And, all of his T shirts somehow say her name on them.
Dr. Dentist Creepy invites the models back to his "doctors office" to do "dental work." Sorin, cutoff shirt bodyguard, awkwardly flirts with Crystal while she's getting her teeth whitening. Man, that's hot. Call Sorin Mr. Smooth. How come all of these models are such horrible flirts? I mean, even bugs do mating dances. These models...
Polina's teeth are fixed by the Dentist, and the models lounge around the pool. Janice, of course, lets them "Kick out the Jams" (her words, not mine) at the pool (also known as Kehoe's bathtub). All the models are there, even CC porn star, looking pornier than ever. Maurice, the introspective one, muses on the shortcomings of being trapped in a big house hosted by crazy zombie Janice. It "almost makes you a little crazy." So insightful, Maurice. Do you have a Ph.D? Because I do, in modelology. And I deem Dominic delicious (remember? He beat up Kehoe!).
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Comments (5)
I'm still reading, Monamonzano, but I thought of a caption for Martin on page 2
"What do you mean, is it my first time?!"
1 of 5 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 16, 2008 4:05 PM
A note about this enterpreter, Jerry Ferris. I immediately knew I knew him after seeing your screen cap (funny I did not notice it during the show). He was, a few years ago, a contestant on 'The Bachelorette' with the universally hated Jen Scheft, when she dumped both of the last two standing suitors on national TV after 'taking time to make up her mind'. He used to be a 'director' of some art gallery in LA, but accorging to his bio, that's the current state - "used to be". Is this where his reality tv 'fame' (LOL) took him - to be an interpreter on the Janice Dickinson show?
Nothing against interpreters - they have a very noble role in the society. It is just funny to what lengths a fame whore will go to get an extra 15 seconds on TV.
2 of 5 | Posted by renata | Posted on September 16, 2008 8:26 PM
love it, Juddfan. I was obviously preoccupied by the awesomeness of Kehoe's beatdown.
And Renata- that's CRAZY about Jerry Ferris! Nevermind, the last person I want to do is some fame-mongering Jen Scheftophile. Gross. I mean, she had a rat face! I wonder what the term in sign language is for rat face....
3 of 5 | Posted by Monamonzano | Posted on September 17, 2008 10:09 AM
Guess my follow up didn't post, but, great recap!!! I can't believe more gasmi aren't watching this . . . . classic television!!!
Interesting note on the interpreter . . . he is cute, and if he was on the bachelorette, he must be straight! (okay, I say must, but we all know . . . )
4 of 5 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on September 17, 2008 10:58 AM
With straightness, there are no guarantees.
-Confucious
5 of 5 | Posted by Monamonzano | Posted on September 20, 2008 10:20 PM