Mia Amber, the creative editor at large of Xtra large magazine, is looking for fresh new faces. Hey, here's one:
I woke up wanting to rock the supervillian pirate botox slut eggplant look. Well?
I forget that clips get shown out of succession, and had so much fun mocking Janice at that weird back-break runway show. Janice, you can scratch your cornea for the sake of my recap any day! Really! In fact, go both eyes. you'll look like a bug. Hot.
Janice meets with XL magazine and passes the job over to Nathan, because she's so grossed out by people who are overweight. And that's with only one functioning eye! She's fucking rude to these people, though, and hey, if I wasn't so publicity hungry maybe I'd tell J Dogg off and leave. XL magazine is desperate, though, and with desperation comes stints on reality tv.
Send in the plussies!
In a HILARIOUS turn of events, Janice comes back for the casting and brings FRUIT LOOPS for the XL Magazine Staff to Snack on. God, talk about an awesome moment in JDMA history. And, Nathan takes one, while the rest of the XL staff, I'm assuming, are a. not four years old, b. don't eat anything not deep fried and c. are disgusted by Janice.
Hold up! Pirate Zombie with Fruit loops coming through.
Then J Dogg screams at Alana, "what're you thinking?" (a model? This woman was destined to be a shrink) and Alana says how emotional she's feeling. She attributes her success to Janice letting her be a plus size, and that Janice is like Martin Luther King in the Civil Rights movement. Oy. That is, if African Americans were fatties and MLK had a perchance for botoxy facial expressions and insanity.
You Plussies are so soft...so squishy...
Janice threatens to put Alana on a diet so she can be the next Naomi Cambell. Really? A family of five Naomi Campbells and her victimized assistants could live inside Alana. Am I being too harsh? Because I'm sort of on a fat joke roll. Jelly roll. BOO-YA!
Alana starts crying again and Janice tries to touch her and then moves away. XL magazine chooses Ivory and Alana for the shoot. Business as usual, and I sorta like brunette plussie (Amber) because she's super gracious about being the ONLY ONE not picked. Alana confesses that this is her first plus sized shoot, besides those craigslist casual encounters photos. Check m4w, Houston, folks.
In another nauseatingly awkward turn, that evening Janice has a little pow-wow with the models, plussies and regulars. Alana asks Janice what makes her "standoffish" And Janice replies that nobody would be there (in the room) that she didn't want there. Well, yeah, sort of. Minus about 400 pounds, right J dogg? And I'm right. then Janice calls Alana fat. And Alana gets all pissy. Come on, though- isn't that what the plussies are fighting for? Acceptance as fat? And how many times can we disguise the label fat with "voluptuous?" I'm guessing 17, just in this episode.
At the Plus Size Model Magazine shoot, Ivory is plussed (hah, no pun intended) about the response her pictures will get. She's hoping for a lot of fan mail. Really? is that what being a plus size is like? Like an incarcerated convict, only with more hairspray and control tops? And, how do I sign up?
Good thing my parents rec room was available for the shoot.
Alana looks utterly lost in her girdle and with the backround of...a storage unit?
Gimme a C?
Janice shows up at the shoot and starts the criticism train right a way (that's my girl!). Janice calls the shoot "sloppy" and tells Alana to suck in her gut. The question is: which one?
During the shoot, Janice's publicist/munchkin in residence Lizzie Grubman comes around to say her hellos and bury a pot of gold. Janice sits down with the Plus Size Magazine people and they ask her, bottom line, if she'll support plussies and plussie culture. Then Janice (more like Confucious!) asks how she can support plus size models and still teach her daughter healthy habits. My answer, J Dogg? When your daughter wants to eat three buckets of cookie dough, give her one. If she wants to throw herself a pizza party, just let her have, I dunno. One pizza. And, geez, make her jump rope or something. Hopscotch? Is that what the young kiddies do nowadays? Sorry, leapfrog. My bad.
Meanwhile, during Janice's ranting and telling everyone to loose some goddamned weight, Nathan slinks out of the woodword and meekly mumbles "mommy gived me commercial division. Big girls. I do it."
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Comments (1)
Great recap, Mo. As usual I thank you for watching this piece of shit with me and then bringing forth your spot-on reflections.
I have just one comment, obviously about Alana. I could not stand this bitch from the minute she walked thru the JDMA door. I was gagging listening to her describe all the HARDSHIPS she's suffered in her quest to bring 'FAT BEAUTY' to the world. I almost started feeling sorry for her (yeah, right! Gag!) - until the shoot at which she declared that this was her FIRST MODELING JOB EVER!!!!! What the heck was all this suffering she was crying about before, if she was never a model until now? Also, when she first came to the audition, she seemed not so certain of herself and lacking self esteem, but the minute she moved into the house her whole feeling of entitlement just blew out of any proportion. I hated her lording it over the slim models that 'she could eat whatever she wanted'. That was an asshole thing to do. I'm incredibly surprised that J-dog managed to wait this long before kicking her out of the house. I seriously thought she would be out after the first night. Oh well, J-bitch has more patience for entitlement and self delusion that I ever will.
1 of 1 | Posted by renata | Posted on October 22, 2008 7:15 PM