TVgasm Recaps

By Cristina

Ok so since we are a couple of weeks behind I figured I should first give a quick recap of what happened on the last episodes, since it was all, you know, “important stuff.”

Previously on Jericho: the city celebrates Halloween almost as though nothing has happened. It appears that although their food supply is dwindling there is an over-abundance of candy corns! Hoorah! We meet Jonah who is Mitchell’s boss, Emily’s estranged dad, and father to Chris, the guy who got shot because of Skeet’s flakiness. Can this whole plot just get swallowed by a whale and die already. Anderson, one of the apocalyptic horseman, returns to inform everyone that New York City did not get hit but DC definitely did. This sends Mimi into a wicked shame spiral but in the end she and Stanley have a moment and eat wheat thins, the panacea for all heartache. Rod’s story begins to piece together a bit more as we find out that he and Darcy had actually been separated because, no surprise, he’s a workaholic. Since he seemed to know about the impending bombs he went and yanked his family from DC and took Darcy with him. Gracie continues to be a heartless bitch. Jonah’s henchmen break Mitchell out of jail. Papa Smurf stops breathing, dies, and then comes back to life minus working organs. He has 12 hours to live unless the boys can find some special meds that they ran out of in Jericho. Skeet and Eric head out to some place called “Rogue River” which is all very Oregon Trail to me, and the pianos of hope play strong as Skeet and Eric embark on their journey. But before they leave Heather takes this opportunity to lay a hot steamy one of Skeet. The tension builds, as does my tolerance for alcohol! Will the boys be able to forge the Rogue River!?!

By Gina

Welcome back to Jericho. Population: You! And a dozen others who are dumber than a box of hair. The Previously On Jericho scenes inform us that NUCLEAR BOMBS HAVE DESTROYED HALF THE COUNTRY! Um, haven’t we picked up on that by now? I mean, no one is tuning in to Jericho expecting to see a Biblical-themed sitcom. (What is the deal with Moses?!) Anyway, last week everyone became suspicious of the Shady Black Family that suddenly moved to town, Jake and Heather shared a powerfully bland kiss, Mayor McCheese went into shock, and Jake and Eric ran off to find him some drugs that would save his life and, presumably, his delicious sesame seed toppings.

But first, a brief recap of last week. And by "brief", I mean "lengthy", and by "last week", I mean "the entire series". It's pretty much the exact same thing each week. It's almost as if this crack squad of a writing team is putting so much effort and thought into their carefully-crafted scripts that they don't have any time left over for the recaps. But something tells me that isn't the case. And that something is called "common sense". Anyway, the Green brothers stole some medicine in order to save their father, and in the process invoked the wrath of the mysterious Ravenwood, a group of mercenaries led by the irrepressible D.B. Sweeney. Join me, won't you?

If bombs were to start dropping tomorrow, I'm sure there would be a lot of chaos and confusion. So I suppose it's good that I become confused and disoriented every time I watch Jericho. It brings a level of reality to the situation and really makes it a more enjoyable viewing experience. I think it also causes me to lose brain cells. After several weeks of watching, I've now forgotten math!

We begin this week with an exciting chase through the Jericho Forest. Jake is running from something (presumably a believable plotline), and is carrying a shotgun, which guarantees that I'm going to be laughing soon. He and one of his cronies hunker down and aim at something. What? WHAT?! The suspense is killing me! Ah, I see. It's not Jonah, or Ravenwood, or a Chinaman. It's a turkey. Misdirection, you foul temptress!

Alright folks, this is it. The Big Jericho Fall Finale Spectacular. Disconnect the phones, unplug the internet, bolt the doors, and lock the children back in their cages, because nothing should disturb you on this, the most wonderful night of the year.

Last week, Emily stole a generator, Gracie got stabbed real good, and Stanley finally got some ass. It's hard to tell who's really coming out on top here. But none of that matters now because it's election day! Who will take the top prize, our favorite incumbent Mayor McCheese? Or his scrappy nemesis, Grimace the Gray? The suspense is mildly engaging me!

Now that Jericho is taking a well-deserved vacation, we can pause for a moment to take a little trip down Painful Memory Lane. I've been asked to do a quick recap of the major characters and "plot"lines from the season so far, so you might want to just bookmark this right now so you can refer to it often. You know what, better be safe and just make it your home page.

Hey, Jericho. I hear you've been hanging out with Lost over at Winter-Hiatusville. Well, you've had your fun and now it's time to get back to business. I mean, without your crazy conspiracy theories, your terrible writing, and your endless supply of ridiculous Skeet faces, we've been...well actually we've been doing just fine without you. But you're back now and that's something we're all going to have to live with.

In case you've put all this foolishness out of your head completely, and who could blame you, feel free to catch up with my summary of what's happened so far. Basically, a shitload of bombs went off. This created a lot of confusion, anger, and despair. And the characters were a little dazed too.

The other day at work I was asked to take a non-English-speaking Chinese housekeeper to the hospital because she became dizzy after a shower curtain rod fell on her head. This episode of Jericho was kind of like that situation, in that it led to confusion, laughter, and ultimately disappointment, as I did not actually get to go with her in the end, and Jericho still doesn't make any sense.

But that doesn't mean we don't love it. We begin this week with Jake and Fat Cop breaking into someone's house and yelling their name. Victor? Vendor? Bender? Robots aren't just hanging around Jericho, Jake. Try the future. They inch up the stairs and find a pile of blankets, which causes Jake to struggle up a face of Extreme Disappointment. He lifts the blankets to find a rather white old gentlemen, dead with an expression that says, "How on earth did Sanjaya survive another week?" Fat Cop says it's because the temperature dropped so fast, which just conjures up images of The Day After Tomorrow, in which I picture Jake being chased through the streets of Jericho by a deadly layer of frost. Someone let me make a movie, already.

Last night I went out to dinner with a couple friends, and it was at one of those restaurants that comes with crayons and a giant sheet of paper on the table, so we of course decided to play hangman. At first we chose movie titles and the like, but eventually it just degraded into our favorite catchphrases, such as: "I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC", and "I've had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane"; as well as American Idol judges' comments, like "This is a singing competition", "You have a beautiful spirit", and the ever-popular Randy Jacksonism: "Aw no dog." So I really hope some random busboy tried to figure it out after we left, only to conclude that damn, those people watch a lot of TV.

Like, for instance, Jericho! We begin this week with Papa Green and his dolt son Eric returning from a hunting trip with nada, saying that they couldn't find anything, not even carcasses lying around. Jake is incredulous (though does he really have any other emotion?), and he and Stanley decide to make another go of it, but farther away this time. They'll simply have to use up the gasoline, even though they're in short supply as it is. Oh, and Stanley wants to bring Mimi, so that she can learn how to hunt in case something happens to him. Aaand there we have the comic plotline of the episode. As they leave, Papa slaps Jake on the back and says, "Good hunting." Yeah, okay Gramps. Starbuck and Apollo send their best.

Jericho is kind of like that smelly kid in the corner. We don't know how he got there, and yeah, he stinks, but you have to admit he is kind of interesting. Who is he? What is he doing there? Why is he covered in pudding? And what's with the stiletto heels? So many questions, so few answers.

What was I talking about? Oh right. We begin this week with Papa Green yelling at some guy named Ridley, who has decided to pack up and leave Jericho. Finally, people are coming to their senses. Papa tries to talk him out of it, and some real taut dialogue ensues: "It's suicide if you leave!" "It's suicide if we stay." Brrr, goosebumps!

Oh, Jericho. Just when I thought you were totally uncool, you went and killed off a main character. Better yet, one that I totally hated. So, well done! You shall be receiving an invitation to my next clambake!

Out in the middle of the woods, Hawkins is frantically burying the body of Sara, his former lover who was shot and killed by his daughter. I think we're venturing into Jerry Springer territory, Hawkins family. Now all we need is a paternity test for young Samuel and we've got ourselves a brawl! Hawkins returns to his basement, where he scrubs the floor with Easy BloodOut. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. Who could it be??

Well, praise the Lord. An episode of Jericho that actually explains itself. Now, whether or not we are to believe this vast web of possible lies is something else altogether, but for now let's just go with it. And apologies for last week's missing recap. You'll never guess what happened to me. I was abducted by a strange group of ruffians and forced to mass produce a field full of windmills! It was terrible! I need a swig of paint thinner!

So let me fill you in on the latest happenings. Last week, the whole refugee situation finally boiled over. Jericho no longer had the resources to support both the refugees and its own people, so Grey decided to run them out of town. Except that Roger, their ringleader and Emily's boyfriend, didn't like this plan, so he went ahead and shot Grey and held him hostage until they came up with a solution. But Mama Green saved the day, suggesting that the refugees live in the homes of people who left Jericho and are assumed dead. Huzzah! As a result of shooting the mayor, Roger was run out of town. No, really. In other news, Dale and Skylar decided to take up the hobby of vigilante justice, and Hawkins, under the guise of Sara, followed some shady people and rolled around the ground a lot and took some pictures. At the end of the episode, everyone gathered in Mary Bailey's bar to listen to the radio, which said to be on the lookout for people with fake FBI badges. Fat Cop realizes that Hawkins has such a badge. Intrigue!

Hello, fellow fans of bland Kansas apocalypses. I apologize for the missing recap last week, due to technical difficulties and a random elephant stampede through my living room I was unable to get around to it. But here's what happened: The guys who had gone to New Bern in exchange for windmill generators returned, all except our dear boy Eric. Jack, the little puppy dog that he is, of course jumps right up and runs off to New Bern to rescue his big brother. He and Hawkins break into the big "windmill generator factory" they have there, only to find out that they're actually making weapons, and are gearing up for a war on Jericho. I doubt a tiff between two small Kansas towns qualifies as a "war", but I digress. The New Berners even have an inventory and a nice little map that outlines all of Jericho and marks out how much land everyone will get once they take over. Not surprisingly, Jake gets caught and is thrown in jail. Hawkins is still on the loose, and Eric, who Jake finally finds in the slammer, tells him that Heather is dead. NOW HOW WILL WE MAKE ICE?!

I saw a topic in a random forum the other day titled "Anyone watching Jericho?" Most of the other topics on the forum had a gazillion posts, but this one had only 3. One person said he thought it had been cancelled, another said *crickets chirping*, and the other thought it was a show about the wrestler Chris Jericho. So there you have it. Jericho, ladies and gentlemen!

We begin this week with plucky Stanley and Friends patrolling the street on the edge of town. They see a mysterious figure with a lantern approaching. Stanley of course starts to freak out, but as the person gets closer it becomes clear that he is in fact...Billy Elliot! Or possibly a Newsie.

Well, here we are. The season finale of Jericho. I for one never thought it would get this far; after all, it's a non-CSI, non-procedural CBS drama starring Skeet Ulrich. Who on earth would have predicted that it could last an entire season? Rumors are that cancellation is not too far away, but I'm just so giddy that Friday Night Lights got renewed, I can barely concentrate on anything else. Go Panthers!

Er, and Jerichoians. (?) We pick up this week where we left off last week: at a wedding six years ago. Wait, what? Apparently it's Eric's wedding, and I have to say, he looks like a completely different person when his muffy beard is shorn off. It's like Normal Looking Human vs. Weepy Mountain Man. No contest. The Greens are posing for a family picture, when they suddenly realize that Jake is not there. Come on people, there are only four members of your family, a head count should not be necessary to notice someone's missing.