Yay. Another episode of the Krapdasians. I cannot express to you how thrilled I am right now. But more about my traumas later, let's start Keeping Up With The Kardashians!
This weeks train wreck starts off innocently enough. For skanks anyway. Kourt, Kim and Khloe are leaving snail trails on their couch and whining about global warming or cookies or what the hell ever. Kim gets a phone call.
See I told you it's all about me!
It's some person from the Pussycat Dolls. She asks what the girls are doing and Kim, splendid comedienne that she is says "We may not be the pussycat dolls but we are the Dash Dolls." It's official God hates me.
OMG they want Kim to be a part of the Pussycat Dolls! Awesome! Khloe the ever so supportive one tells us she hopes she does well to make up for that huge ass suckfest she performed on Dancing With The Stars.
Off to the studio so Kim can practice balancing that ass. Aww she's nervous. They tell her she is going to be practicing in the bathtub. Its a technique.
When I was poor, before my big ass sex tape, I had a tiny tub just like this.
So they practice away and Kim seems to have trouble seeing herself in the mirror. Ironic no? Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor? Well, probably Carrot Top. Anyhoodle, as they are practicing Kim tells us it's very hard for her to visualize what she's supposed to do since the mirror is more than 6 inches from her face. Oh and her eyesight sux.
Oh dear Lord heal me! How can I live without constantly staring at my own face?
Instructor Oblivious finally notices that Kim needs a seeing eye dog and Kim denies it and says that it's just that the mirror is sooo far away. Kim tells us she knows her eyesight has been getting worse but she has just been "dealing with it" instead of seeking help. After all you never saw Mother Teresa complaining about her eyesight did ya?
What do you mean they don't have seeing eye chihuahuas?
Kim decides she should just go home because she's not feeling herself (literally). Instructor Oblivious tells her to go home and practice in her bath tub because she doesn't want her to come back not knowing what she's doing. WTF is this womans obsession with dancing in a bathtub? I bet there's a creepy Uncle Cletus story there somewhere.
Time to play "Find the deflated flaccid rubbery dicky, I mean ducky!
Back at Meltyface Manor, poor Kim is telling her even creepier than my relatives about how awful, horrifyingly soul killing spirit crushingly hideous the whole thing was. Much like this show. And she wants KabbagePatch to cancel the whole thing! KabbagePatch is all, hey drama queen shut it and stop digging in your ass and get in the tub cause I'm getting my 10%.
Do what I say or I'll release that sex tape of you with the midget, donkey and the Green Bay Packers
Kim keeps whining about how she can't see at clubs and she can't see to drive. I'm guessing she can't see to drive after leaving a club because she is snockerd out of her gourd!
OMG it's happening again! I can't see a thing!
So KabbagePatch tells Kim maybe it's time for lasik surgery. After all she had it done 12 years ago and Bruce has never looked better. Kim is all wah wah I don't want my eyeballs cut open. And then Khloe who is quickly becoming my favorite demonstrates for Kim what the doc will do to her.
Oh wait, never mind, that's not lasik, that's how they removed MeltyFace's genital warts.
As Kim keeps begging her mommy to get her out of this, KabbagePatch is snatching the knives from Kloe telling her it's dangerous to play with them. Probably a lesson she should have taught her oh, maybe 20 years ago! Hey, maybe next week she'll sit Kim down for the Birds and Bees talk. Twit. Kim keeps begging KabbagePatch to get her out of the contract and is told to put her big girl panties on and suck it up. Oh and to film that shit for later sale. Kim stomps out of the room.
How on earth did she get so spoiled?
Elsewhere in Krapland, MeltyFace has a doctors appointment. And since KabbagePatch was too busy "working" he had to bring Kenmore and Kleenex with him. Sorry I meant Kendall and Kylie. So he warns them to shut it and be still and he'll be right back.
« Lost: Mommy Dearest | Main | TERMINATOR: Coterminous Turbo Body Crunches »
Comments (16)
Cherie, you are hilarious. My cheeks are still hurting from reading this and I almost choked twice from laughing. Thanks for the laughs.
1 of 16 | Posted by SaneN85 | Posted on April 6, 2009 9:26 AM
Lifetime was going to do a show about my colon. I was supposed to be a victim of organ theft, and had to jet all over the world with a hot organ transplant specialist babe (the casting of that role was ultra-top-secret, but the name Kate Beckinsale was being thrown around.) Each week would find us in a different exotic, but dangerous locale, trying desperately to find my colon before time ran out for me.
Then Lifetime got the whole Project Runway bruhaha straightened out, and me and my colon were outta luck.
2 of 16 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on April 6, 2009 10:10 AM
Cherie, I think your new nickname should be Rumpelstiltskin, because you're able to spin gold out of shit-encrusted colons! OMG, I thought I had it bad with "Double Shot At Love" but this show is WAY worse. Seriously? The best they can come up with for a story line is Bruce's colonoscopy? This whole family's lives are even more boring than mine! Loved what you did, though, keep strong sister, it'll come to an end eventually...
love, J-Mo :)
3 of 16 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on April 6, 2009 10:47 AM
J-Mo you are my heart darlin! Just don't tell flipit, you know how bitchy he gets! SaneN85 I am so glad I could make you laugh. It's the best feeling in the world to hear that you made someone laugh! And NotWithoutMyTv-I wish/hope that's a true story and it gets picked up because I would love to see that shit, so to speak. That would be recapping gold!
Love and smooches to all!
Cherie
4 of 16 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on April 6, 2009 11:04 AM
wow...you are one seriously angry recapper
5 of 16 | Posted by efk2020 | Posted on April 6, 2009 12:29 PM
LOL You funny!
Thanks for the humor, and for watching what sounds like a dreadful show, and for keeping your recaps under four pages long.
Good luck with your mom!
6 of 16 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 6, 2009 2:41 PM
efk202 - you must be new to this website! We gasmi love our recappers to be seriously angry (and twisted whenever possible)!
7 of 16 | Posted by olderandwiser | Posted on April 6, 2009 2:53 PM
efk2020: Bless you darlin!
I got my first hate mail/comment! If you think this one was bad wait until my meds run out and Aunt Flo comes for a visit. Oh and could you send me a lock of your hair please? I am making a special special doll.........
8 of 16 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on April 6, 2009 7:46 PM
Cherie, loved the Keeping up with the Kornholians recap. Thanks for the hysterics, fab job on this literal crapfest. Question for you. I have a huge ass and make bad career descisions, why can't I have my own show?
9 of 16 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on April 6, 2009 10:17 PM
shantigal I ask myself that very same question daily. Hey wait! Did you make a sex tape? I didn't. Maybe that's the secret. I wonder how much of a market there is out there for short chubby bad decision making recappers?
10 of 16 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on April 7, 2009 1:33 AM
How do you know a good recap when you read one? First come to TVgasm, and second is when you don't even bother to watch the show, you just read the recaps. Cherie is my BFF to everyone who don't know any better. Otherwise, it's Suzy Pajamas (HEY SUZY)
11 of 16 | Posted by Fayellis1 | Posted on April 7, 2009 11:47 AM
Kherie -- this show is kraptacular and you surely did spin krap into comedy gold.
freakin hilarious shit, baby.
I have caught bits of this strangely kompelling show from time to time (yes, I have a TV in my bathroom...) and altho I didn;t watch this ep, I totally get all the gags about this trainwreck family.
Mad HATE for bitchface Khloe. Pure jealousy!
Meltyface Manor -- bwahahahaha!
12 of 16 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 7, 2009 12:09 PM
Cherie, I just got tears in my eyes from giggling so hard. The "I bet he shit his pants" screengrab made me choke when I read it.
I don't know how you take this dung hill heap of a show. I would have to gauge my eyes out. :)
SWAK, PottyMouth
13 of 16 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on April 8, 2009 6:57 AM
that's "gouge" darlin'
14 of 16 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 8, 2009 7:55 PM
LOL. See? They already aren't working right!
15 of 16 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on April 8, 2009 8:11 PM
too funny!!
16 of 16 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on April 9, 2009 1:38 PM