Tonight we get to start off with how we left last week. My Mom driving me nuts. Me using every opportunity to go hide and cry.....oh sorry, on Keeping up With The Kardashians, well, it's basically the same thing. Let's go see who's having a meltdown today, besides me.
Everyone's at Meltyface Manor eating and yammering on about Khloe's big move to New York. KabbagePatch says she lived in New York in 1976 and HATED it. She doesn't understand why her kids would want to be so far away from her. Ha! I do. Just look at the first picture. Oh by the way, that's Emmazilla, my Mom (who now LIVES with me) in case you were wondering. By the way, before she moved in I looked like Heidi Klum. Now I look like this.
Back to the show, KabbagePatch is whining about being left behind because her daughters are her besties and wah wah wah. She tells them all snot nosy that without them she has no one.
Later KabbagePatch hobbles into Smooch. It seems she bought a dress for Kylie and when she got it home it was too small. Damn these kids and their growing habits! When I was a kid we weren't allowed to grow until each older sibling out grew their clothes. And we walked to school barefoot in the snow, uphill. Both ways. Sorry about that. A little to much Emmazilla overload. Anyhoodle, KP is shocked at how fast her kids are growing. She wants more. She wants something to take care of. She claims she can't because Meltyface has had a vasectomy. I'd say its more likely because she's 57 and her eggs have turned to dust. KP suggest her daughters supply her with a child and as she is leaving she says "My womb aches."
Over at Kim's condo, Kim is listening while Kourt whines to Khloe about Scott being a douche. Haha. Told ya. She says he just always needs attention. Khloe explains to her that she isn't the type of person who is comforting and loving. And Kim makes this face.
Then Khloe starts hugging on Kourt and it looks incestuous and creepy and even Kim tells them to stop making out.
The girls get to looking online for things to occupy KP's maternal instincts. And they come across a site where you can adopt/borrow a monkey to love and care for. A trainer comes with the monkey and helps or some such crap. He tells them how to care for Suzy and then he leaves.
I would highly suggest against this idea. When I had my first Mommy urge I was married to an idiot so I decided to "borrow" a monkey from our local zoo. I did one of the keepers a few "favors" and he let me bring it home for the night. It was so cute. For about 20 seconds. Then it started screeching and so I took it out side and it threw shit at my neighbors. Hated them anyway. They were not amused and neither were the cops that they called. Bottom line, I did a "favor" for the cop and he took the monkey from hell back to the zoo and I got over my urge to mother.
Back to the show, KabbagePatch has just been ambushed by Suzy and the MonkeyBunch. She looks shocked and happy and confused. You know, like normal.
The girls explain to KP that this is going to be her new baby. It's actually pretty cute. It crawls across all the K's to get to Mama K. So much for KP's mothering skills. The first thing she says is "Have you guys changed her diaper?" and she drops her. Well actually Suzy jumped down. The girls tell KP that changing her diaper is her job since she wanted a baby so much. Meanwhile, Suzy is on the floor desperately trying to call 911.
KP says this wasn't what she had in mind. She wants one of her girls to have a kid so she can play with it and then give it back when it starts to smell like spoiled milk. She tells them to take it back so she can get to "work" but they scatter and leave her alone with Suzy.
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Comments (8)
LOL cherie!! that front pic is downright evil. i love it!! give the ole devil kisses for me. xo
1 of 8 | Posted by flipit | Posted on May 16, 2009 12:50 AM
Does Emma know she's on the front page?
2 of 8 | Posted by chooch850 | Posted on May 16, 2009 1:39 AM
Tee hee. No she doesn't know. She's blind as a bat and can't see a thing without her glasses and she refuses to wear them because they are no longer "fashionable."
3 of 8 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on May 16, 2009 8:16 AM
Thanks for the laughs!
OTH - When I saw the chimp, I could not help thinking of some horrible chimp attacks... the most recent featuring a long time pet destroying a woman's face and hands.
4 of 8 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on May 16, 2009 8:59 AM
Oh my God, Cherie! The screengrabs of Suzie had me clutching my sides.
Your self portrait snapshot was cracking me up too. I think that's the same expression I have after spending a weekend with my mom!
Can't wait to see your take on Meltyface's visit to the plastic surgeon!
SWAK, PottyMouth
5 of 8 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on May 18, 2009 8:15 AM
Cherie, gurrrl, I dunno what your mami is doing to you, but whatever it is, it's making your recaps fucking whipcrack-sharp! I LOVE it! I just wish it was a little less soul-annihilating for you. Have you tried a little rum or vodka. I don't mean for you, for her. People are so much more pliable when they're drunk. Then again, mamipuke is no fun to clean up. Hmmmm, we'll have to brainstorm some other kind of solution here. IN the meantime, keep your head up, and perhaps start watching "Mommie Dearest" on a loop and play it extra loud. It might make you feel better.
love, J-Mo :)
6 of 8 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on May 18, 2009 10:09 AM
Great job Cherie. I didn't know you were doing this one now. Loved the pics.
7 of 8 | Posted by dr.birdie | Posted on May 18, 2009 2:51 PM
Thanks everyone! I may be exaggerating just a bit about Emma(I am soooo not) but I have found a solution. I put a deadbolt on her door and a slot to slip her some food every couple of days. And don't worry, she won't get lonely. I got her a pet rock. He tried to kill himself yesterday but the rope kept slipping off.
Love you all!
8 of 8 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on May 18, 2009 5:45 PM