Last week I was a little down about Kid Nation. Then again, last week the lunatic upstairs from my apartment sprung a leak and refused to let the Landlord in to fix it, so I typed my recap with newspapers on my head and buckets all over my apartment. One can't help but be a little negative under the circumstances. I still say the show could have been better last week, but the good news is that this week I'm totally entertained! I haven't seen such a smooth turn-around like this since I caught Justin Timberlake at Madison Square Garden. Matter of fact there were lots of chickenheads there too. Huh. Weird. Grab your bandanas Gasmi, it's time for Kid Nation!
I am way too cute for chicken killing.
We open with all the children playing with chickens and gently passing around their freshly laid (warm) eggs. Little Emilie particularly loves the chickens. She has 10 acres of farmland on her property. "Chickens are her friends." Aw, aren't the chickens so cute? Don't we all love to pet them and share ice cream cones with them, and not dip them in egg and bread them with crumbs and fry them in oil? What's that saying? Chickens are a man's best friend?
Oh Clucky, I can tell you anything!
Back at the mess hall, the Pioneers are starting to get tired of canned food. They need a fresh meal. Canned corn, canned apples, it's like Shoprite in that bitch: everything in cans cans. The Pioneers have had enough. Hey, careful with all the canned foot hate. Don't go knockin on my boy Chef Boyardee, or we're gonna have words. (Love ya Shaz).
The Council heads to the library where ABC, I mean the "Original Pioneers," have left them a journal. The journal very subtly suggests that the Council consider killing chickens as a source of food. The Council is torn. Taylor and Anjay aren't sure, and Mike says he thinks they should kill the chickens. Laurel is grossed out and asks if Mike's really that "hotless". Hotless? Is that, like, the opposite of coldless? As in, one who is without high temperatures? No no it's just brutal attack on the word "heartless". Sweetie, I love you. You're the absolute coolest, most caring, wonderful child I've ever seen. But you're gonna have to start respecting the R. Seriously. Respect it.
The Council decides to take a full Pioneer vote on chicken killing. A few of the animal loving children are completely against it, but the rest are all in favor. Luckily Bonanza is a majority wins town so chicken soup for all! Emilie is very upset about this. Very upset. If they kill the chickens she'll have no one to play desert hop scotch with. She announces that if they kill chickens she's going home. Poor Emilie. Go write a letter to the horses back on the farm about this. They'll understand.
Just as a side note, did anyone else notice that when Emilie was talking about why she wanted to leave, and how she came onto the show in the first place she said, "When my mom told me to come here..." Oops. You know mom has all the neighbors over right now and had to respond with the "Silly girl, it was her idea. Really, she wanted to go" routine. Cue nervous giggle and an attempted diversion with a tray of Tottino's Pizza Rolls. Stage parents are the best.
Ok so they've agreed to kill chickens, now there's only one problem: How are they going to kill and "gut them" as the kids call it? Oh don't worry, Greg will take care of it. Greg's spent time working for a butcher. He's butchered chickens and cows and all sorts of animals. Of course he has. Hasn't every 15 year old? Maybe when he's done he can teach us all how to scalp a man with a potato peeler. Jesus.
In a quest to save her dear friends, Emilie tells the other anti-chicken-killing-Pioneers that the chickens will be killed by strangulation. Uh, what? No they won't. Don't tell stories Emilie. Even in the name of chicken salvation, it's poor form. Savannah hears this and becomes terrified. She starts getting graphic images in her head. "Are they going to hang them like Saddam Hussein?" Yes, yes they are. They'll be hung on video in chicken-prisoner-of-war-fatigues and everything. The Pioneers are merciless. They must be stopped. Quick, chain yourself the coop wall.
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Comments (13)
I just moved to Massachusetts 2 months ago. I came from the Midwest where we revere "R" so I understand Laurel's speech being a bit painful for you. Perhaps Sesame Street should get involved for the betterment of the girl's language...this week's episode brought to you by the letter "R." They can have Camilla the Chicken as a special guest.
Now I have to run to the store, and it's all your fault. Mmmmmm...Tortino's pizza rolls.
1 of 13 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on September 27, 2007 1:48 PM
Dr. McSteeny, you are my hero!!! That was hilarious! SOOO much good stuff in it.
I have to say, when I read the screencap of Taylor "We're tryyying" bit, I read it in Danielle from BB's voice.
I, too, couldn't watch the decapitation of Foghorn Leghorn. Ew! I'm anxiously awaiting a word from PETA on that bit of grossness.
I can't wait to see Greg explode next week!
2 of 13 | Posted by KikiC | Posted on September 27, 2007 2:14 PM
Great Recap.
No mention of DK and "you need to shut your disrespectful mouth"
Who let Michael on the show? We need more kids like Jared. Nice perfect kids suck!
3 of 13 | Posted by goosegg1001 | Posted on September 27, 2007 6:19 PM
Well I am one of those no-doubt obnoxious people who don't watch the show... but just read the recaps then deign to write a comment...
Bravo! Very funny recap.
I might actually watch the show some eve.
Thanks.
4 of 13 | Posted by ItsLikeKissingAPeanut | Posted on September 27, 2007 6:54 PM
Dr.McSteeny!!! Great recap. I have said it before, but i truly do heart jared! If we could have him inside a little box in our homes just for entertainment that would be awesome! Wait we do yeah!!! The foghorn leghorn photo and caption, great! The oxycontin dispensing pez classic!! Did anybody notice that mike looked constipated the whole show? Maybe he isnt getting enough respect and he is planning to make his own private stormtroopers,oops plan backfired mike. You should never have put taylor in charge, she just sits around and puts on glittery lip gloss!
5 of 13 | Posted by lloyd dobbler | Posted on September 27, 2007 8:05 PM
I think Jared is precious, but very very weird. I loved him the preview for the next episode running through the town screaming "It's a twister! It's a twister!"
Mike and Taylor are annoying as hell. I cannot stand them. Can someone introduce them to Susan Smith or Andrea Yates, please?
6 of 13 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on September 27, 2007 9:54 PM
Ouch, Reese....thats a bit harsh. How 'bout the pioneers just vote to throw them off the council? Seems a little more humane.
7 of 13 | Posted by saabotage | Posted on September 27, 2007 10:09 PM
"Now Michael, you know it could be worse than being Ethiopian. Ethiopians at least stand a chance to be adopted by Brad and Angelina. You could be the headless chicken Emilie is playing jax with in the coop."
HHAAAA!!! Best recap ever :)
8 of 13 | Posted by carrie | Posted on September 28, 2007 4:15 PM
First of all, the show is on CBS, not ABC. Also, it was Taylor and Anjay that wanted to kill the chickens while the other two didn't.
Anyway, I love Michael and all, but Greg got screwed! Aren't they supposed to give the gold star to the hardest working person there? I mean the guy killed the chickens and helped his team win the challenge. Whatever. It's all Mike's fault. I really wish someone would overthrow him and Taylor off the council.
Oh, and Jared is my favorite. He cracks my shit up. The previews for next week where he was running around yelling "It's a twister" was hilarious.
9 of 13 | Posted by ryan07 | Posted on September 28, 2007 6:33 PM
I DVR'd this episode cause I wasn't sure I could handle the chicken massacre. Reading your recap made me laugh my ass off so I think I'll actually watch it now. Jared is a show all by himself. That is one freaky little kid, but I love him!
Loved your recap too.
Good job!
10 of 13 | Posted by CheriesTake | Posted on September 28, 2007 7:12 PM
Has anyone read Jared comments on CBS.com? He is very anti-Clinton. He really bashes him. He never struck me as a conservative, but you never know.
11 of 13 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on September 29, 2007 11:18 AM
I fear we are going to see Greg shoot himself in the foot (a lesson for all of us). He has a lock on the next gold star (and there must be at least 10 of them still to come) if he just keeps acting like he did this week. I think he will get one eventually, no matter how much he over-reacts.
I'm surprised the council members have not been put up for re-election before now. I wonder if any of the incumbants would prevail. (I also want to see the nostalgic "I Like Mike" posters).
Awesome recapping!
12 of 13 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on October 2, 2007 10:54 AM
Has Jared been kicked in the head by a mule?
13 of 13 | Posted by ubiquitous | Posted on October 3, 2007 4:16 AM