When I was first presented with the opportunity to write about Kid Nation, it was before promotions for the show started running or the media began mentioning it. It was vaguely described to me that "they put 40 kids in a town alone, and tell them to build a society." Are you serious? HOLY LORD OF THE FLIES, they're gonna kill Piggy! Somebody save Piggy!

Get your own Water Noodle dipshit

Before long the show was riddled with controversy. One child has burns, another hurt his ankle, the parents are being sued for child abuse...the controversies continued. It was right then that I realized, good idea or bad idea, good show or bad show, people are going to want to see this and people are going to want to talk about it. I'm in. Fast forward a few weeks later and I catch a promo right in the middle of Big Brother 8. What the hell?...why in the world am I getting misty eyed at this promo? Do I detect touching and inspiring moments? Restored faith in our youth? Oh this is gonna be good.

One problem: What about the not so inspiring moments? How the hell am I gonna get away with making fun of little kids? Do I simply attack only the mean bullies? Avoid picking on superficial details such as outdated clothes and poor haircuts? Divert the insulting from the children themselves onto their "neglectful stage-parents?" Or do I say fuck it, and just do a verbally bashing free- for-all, holding nothing back whatsoever. Would I be writing what everyone is thinking and no one wants to actually say? Would I be risking the second half of my rookie season at the gasm in the name of free speech? Am I actually going to sit there judging innocent children? How could I? I love children. I really do. Who mocks an 8 year old? That's the kind of shit that people deservedly get death threats over.

Granted his actions were disgusting and reached far beyond pure mockery, so it's much more extreme, but take Michael Vick for example. Michael Vick picked on puppies and honest to God that bitch is safer in jail, because I've heard people talking and people sincerely want to murder him. If I pick on little kids, the world's gonna think I'm a monster. Two weeks in, two rounds of picking on little Johnny's weight and I guarantee you boxes of Pampers with my face on the diapers are gonna outsell Michael Vick doggie chew toys.

I was faced with my first gasm dilemma: Stick to friendly, family appropriate (albeit potentially boring) commentary, ignoring the things that might bother me about the kids but at least maintaining some level of decency; or risk my reputation and just say what's on my mind, even if that means saying things that are not so nice; all the while knowing that when it comes down to it, I'm mocking children. Publicly. Talk about a pickle.

So I did what any wise woman in my position would do. I left it in the hands of fate. I flipped a coin. Heads: I play it safe and keep the commentary to brief descriptions and subtle reactions, or tails: the kids become my prey and Dr. McSteeny is the most vicious thing to hit the gasm since that set of comments to Ting Lee's first The Hills Recap. (wow, you guys were brutal). Six or seven tumblesaults later George Washington had reached his decision: The Evil Dr. McSteeny-1; Gentle Kid Nation- 0. Sorry kiddies, the Gods have spoken. Oh this is gonna be good. I'm not a monster, I swear I'm not. But we're all here to have a little fun right? Right. Now let the child abuse begin... Let's meet some of the "Pioneers" shall we?

There is no possible way to get through all 40 Pioneers in one precap. So I've selected who I think will be the most influential in the series; get the most camera time so to speak. I could be totally wrong. I'm just predicting here. Take it easy on me.

First there's Alex.

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Posted in Kid Nation by Dr. McSteeny at 11:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Last Comment: msu11y28 on Sep 19, 2007 12:13 PM.