TVgasm Recaps

By EdHill

So Kill Reality is a show where they take a bunch of C-list wannabe-celebrity reality stars and have them live together and make a B-list horror film. This show has TVgasm written all over it. I mean what's more pathetic than a talentless reality star whore (cough..Omarosa..cough) trying to milk every inch of pseudo-celebrity they can until they are reduced to being at a grand opening of a Sizzler in Albuquerque? I'll tell you what's more pathetic. Giving them the illusion that there are people out there that think they have actual talent and then filming it. Kind of like the Ashlee Simpson show writ large. I mean, this has the potential to be as hilarious as Mad Mad House (Vampire Don, we miss you). But it could easily go a different way. There actually could be a semi-intelligent one in the bunch that will realize that the whole thing is a vehicle for us to mock them. Granted with reality stars this is a long shot, but it's a definite possibility. Luckily, the cast list is moron central...

By EdHill

When last we left the Stars of Kill Reality, E!'s hottest new reality show (after the amazing Taradise), everyone was acting like an idiot and purposely creating overblown and fake drama for the cameras. Suffice it to say, this week picks up exactly where we left off. After last week's realization that I came too late to the show and missed bug-eyed Toni completely, I was skeptical that I could get into this show at all. Imagine having everyone tell you how great Big Brother is and you then decide to watch it when the only people left in the house are Maggie, April and Ivette. Luckily we have Tonya to pick up the crazy slack.

By EdHill

You know, I'm not even sure where to begin this week. To be honest, after finding out the truth about what went on behind camera (or in some cases, in front of the camera but never aired) on Kill Reality it kind of makes watching people whack potato chip bags around seem kind of dull. For those of you who aren't aware, I am referring of course to the article from Radar magazine mentioned here yesterday in which it describes the off-screen antics of our reality stars. Specifically Trishelle's propensity for golden showers and Tonya's urge to have people do lines of coke off her genitals (thus providing once and for all the answer we've all asked ourselves at one time or another: can you get chlamydia from snorting coke off a woman's hooch? Yes. Yes you can). Why can't I be reviewing that show? Instead I get the coked-up, urine-stained whores just getting drunk and creating fake arguments for the camera.  Ah well, when life gives you lemons... Hey did I mention people fling poo this episode? Well, they do.

By EdHill

We start this week of Kill Reality where we left off last week -- where we leave off every week actually -- with our drunk, coked-up reality stars screaming and throwing garbage on the walls. Imagine a Cops episode only without any actual Cops. Jonny Fairplay starts the show on another fake rampage, running throughout the house in the early morning screaming at the top of his lungs. What do we learn from this? That practically no one bats an eye because everyone is so used to this stuff, and that Trishelle wears her weird Gandalf hat to bed with her.

By EdHill

You know, when I sat down to write this, it occurred to me how negative I have been about Kill Reality in all my previous recaps. Who am I to cast aspersions on these people? Trishelle and Tonya both have moms that love them right? Sure, Jenna Lewis made a homemade porno tape, pretended it was stolen, and then we found out she was collecting all the profits. But when the inevitable homemade porn with J-Unit and Tyra Banks surfaces, will I be so quick to judge? The man has to earn a living. TVgasm ads only get you so far.  So then I said to myself, this is the season finale. Why not go out on a high note? If E! gives me lemons, I'll make lemonade! Unfortunately, E! gave me a big steaming pile of crap. And believe me, I wish that was just a metaphor. I apologize for any incoherence or misspelled words on my part in this recap, as I was forced to pour bleach on my eyes after watching this week's episode. You'll see why soon enough....

When I was growing up the scariest movie to me was The Shining. I still don't get the ending, but I am to this day creeped out by it. It is very nearly the perfect scary movie. Well, if The Shining was Schwarzenegger in Twins, then The Scorned is its Danny DeVito. That’s right, after weeks of waiting, the people of Kill Reality have finally followed through on their promise threat, and released the steaming monkey turd that is The Scorned. This is the so-called “movie� they were using as an excuse to have reality show contestants live in a house, drink and hurl their own bodily fluids at each other. So how was it? The best way I can describe it is that it was like watching a really bad porno with all the sex scenes cut out and the whole thing was edited by The Real World's Nehemiah. It’s just a horrible film from top to bottom. The acting, the writing, the lighting, the sets, the wardrobe. All terrible. Even Ryan Copeland, the gaffer, sucked ass. I did a student film with a camcorder in 7th grade that had better production values (and my craft services table was top notch too). No, there wasn’t a redeeming thing about this film, but I still saw all of it. Why? Because I care about you, the TVgasm reader, that’s why. I want to make sure people like katieshole, America's Next Top Fan and callygirl are spared this travesty and can instead spend an hour and a half reading a book, helping the needy, or buying TVgasm merchandise (Save Kaysar buttons still available). And you don’t have to thank me, people. Just pay it forward….