This week's Kitchen Nightmares was a repeat, but I missed it the first time around and it has since spawned a lawsuit and lots of diets. Besides, I was off last week and can't stand staring at the walls any longer.
Oh, be a man.
New York City is home to some of the finest restaurants in the world. It is also the home to a whole bunch of really nasty restaurants, peeing in the streets, and this chick:
How beautiful or miserable your NYC experience is depends on how much money you have and how many prescriptions you're swallowing. Unfortunately, the people of New York insist on things like public transportation and walking to get around, which means when visiting you are likely to get too drunk and stumble into almost anywhere for a bite to keep from passing out on a steam grate. Point is, New York's awesome. And disgusting. When wandering around trying to remember where you parked the car you don't have, pray that you happen upon a classy place like Le Cirque and not a place like, well, tonight's nightmare.
On the surface, Dillon's Restaurant suffers from a very common problem among Gotham eateries: the multi-page menu. You can crave Chinese and I can crave a peanut butter sandwich and we could totally still date in New York. Problem is, the places that serve both usually have fluorescent lights and the smell of those little blue things you aim at in the urinal wafting through the air. No matter what we're served, we will both taste urinal cake. Date. Over.
Dillon's has more than just a funky odor to deal with. They've also got a fly problem, three incompetent managers, and an owner who's erased his wife's face.
Don't mess with Mohammed. He'll fuck you up.
Mohammed and his blurry wife may own the joint, but the man captaining the canoe down shit creek is the General Manager, Martin. We know Martin is a jackass because he contorts his busted grill with every syllable he speaks, he's British (sorry, British people, but you're usually relegated to a-hole roles on American TV), and he's always either on his cell phone or fumbling around for it. It's like a sickness. A rude, narcissistic, vapid person sickness. Wait. BRB. Hullo? OMG I KNOW! Love. Heart. You are! Text me later and tell me what he looks like. XOXO luv ya mean it wear a condom.
Where was I? Martin confidently describes Dillon's as an "American Irish restaurant with an Indian....ness connected to it." Then he fumbles for his phone and orders some chick named Lisa to say Indian-ness as much as she can in public so it has a chance of becoming a real word. He pretends not to notice the flies crawling on his face as he admits to us that there was a slight bug problem at Dillon's, but "it's been medicated." I hope you have, because flies like poop and they've just had a barf party near your tear ducts. Seriously. Get a swatter.
Andrew is the second manager, and he's got a droll, queeny, the-whole-world-is-a-lie-so-who-cares? kind of an attitude which immediately makes me like him. He tells us his boss is a twit who should have his own reality show (not a compliment) and then says the restaurant's a dump and he can't believe it's still open. A quick montage shows us exactly why Andrew's so bitter (aside from the whole ending up as a restaurant slave instead of a cabaret artist/costume designer thing. Show me a restaurant in New York and I'll show you at least one broken dream wearing a dirty apron). His Operational Manager title is more specific than Martin's General Manager title, which means while Martin wanders around pretending to have people to call, Andrew is left to do anything and everything to make sure things "operate". Apparently this includes stuffing wadded napkins under wobbly tables, putting on rubber gloves to move filthy appliances around, and re-stocking the toilet paper "to wipe your butt with". He even cooks sometimes because the Indians in the kitchen don't know how to prepare American food. Makes perfect sense to me. It's just rude to ask an Indian chef to learn to make a hamburger.
The only thing that could save this place is a decent front of house staff. Unfortunately, Dillon's employs the kind of people lazy and unmotivated enough that they're willing to work in a disgusting fly ridden dump all day to make little to no money. In other words, Dillon's employs people like me. This place is screwed.
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Comments (17)
i heart you & your writing, flipit.
i too just saw this episode on the repeat, and i've gotta say that gordon ramsey rocks.
recently in EW magazine, mark harris (i think it was him) wrote about the prevalence of boy-men on TV. Characters that play up their irresponsibility, goofiness, and immaturity. i was in full agreement as i read the column, and all i could think of was gordon ramsey, as he is the antithesis of those men.
i watch both the US and British versions of kitchen nightmares, and yowza that man! and he is a MAN! i swear, i really believe he is the only man i would actually cheat on my husband with. there's something so insanely attractive about a man who not only calls it like it is, but does so with panache and grit and passion! (could he have inspired trey's tattoo?) i used to think de. phil was effective at "telling it like it is", but boy oh boy, gordon kicks ass.
sigh. the pathetic housewife crush. of well- at least its far more interesting than brad pitt!
loves
ajkc
1 of 17 | Posted by ajkc41 | Posted on November 4, 2007 1:29 PM
This is the epi I had in mind when I told Flipit to keep that gin handy when he announced that he was going to recap this show. The first 15 min alone are enough to keep me on my diet. But as funny as this epi was, Flipit's recap is even more hilarious (as usual). I didn't know Martin was the one filing the suit, since it involved the nasty restaurant, I thought it was the owners. Martin being the one to file makes it even more funny. Great way to prove yourself to future employers. Not only is he an incompetent manager, he's trigger happy with the frivolous lawsuits. So much for $29 mil, I doubt Martin will collect 29 cents.
P.S. Flipit, I loved the Robert Goulet shout out. When I heard about his death this week, I thought back to a Top Chef recap you did last year when you wrote about meeting him at a dinner theater. How sad is it that I remember that, but I can't remember where I left my sunglasses?
2 of 17 | Posted by greeneyes | Posted on November 4, 2007 5:19 PM
Love this show, but this episode was one of the grossest I've ever seen. I swear if they showed that rotten tomato being dug out by Gordo's finger ONE MORE TIME I was gonna hurl. It sure is scary that places operate like that on a daily basis. I loved the calm presence of chef Vikas Khanna.....I did not know that Indian chefs were so hot. Vikas Vikas Vikas....It was all about him once he got in, I was not even bothered where Martin and Moha (owner) went after Vikas appeared. Gordon bravo for bringing this to the US
3 of 17 | Posted by danielbutt | Posted on November 5, 2007 12:23 AM
Even though this was a repeat you managed to point out crazy shit I missed. Laughter is supposed to add years to your life and at this point as long as you keep up the recaps, I'll live forever! I love this show. I love Gordo. And I love you!
4 of 17 | Posted by CheriesTake | Posted on November 5, 2007 6:37 AM
I love your recaps, dude. They make my shitty boring day less shitty and less boring. In any case, that restaurant was past disgusting into full blown syrup of ipecac puke territory.
AKJC,
Thanks for proving yet again, that women love assholes. It is thinking like that that keeps the whole douchebag craze going.
5 of 17 | Posted by mattypopo | Posted on November 5, 2007 12:43 PM
Ah, what a great recap for an awesome episode. I literally kept this ep on my DVR so that everyone that came in my house could see the awesomeness of Chef Ramsay. You were so right about his "be a man" taunt.. it's so uncomfortable, yet so wonderful to watch. I also developed a major crush on Vikas.
So glad you included the epilogue! I heard that Martin was suing a couple of weeks ago and I laughed my ass off. I would love to be a fly on the wall of that trial!
6 of 17 | Posted by lickitysplit | Posted on November 5, 2007 6:23 PM
Man, I love this show more than Hell's Kitchen. Ramsey is just raw and in-your-face to any incompetent kitchen staff.
Although this episode was the most disgusting one, my favorite one so far was the one where the introverted son was constantly ridiculed by his mother. As a result, his confidence in himself was non-existent. In the end, Ramsey teaches him how to claim his rightful place at the head of the table. Ramsey at his best!
If you missed an episode, you can still watch them (commercial free) on fox's website (www.fox.com). They usually post them the night they air them.
7 of 17 | Posted by milostea | Posted on November 6, 2007 7:18 AM
Man, I love this show more than Hell's Kitchen. Ramsey is just raw and in-your-face to any incompetent kitchen staff.
Although this episode was the most disgusting one, my favorite one so far was the one where the introverted son was constantly ridiculed by his mother. As a result, his confidence in himself was non-existent. In the end, Ramsey teaches him how to claim his rightful place at the head of the table. Ramsey at his best!
If you missed an episode, you can still watch them (commercial free) on fox's website (www.fox.com). They usually post them the night they air them.
8 of 17 | Posted by milostea | Posted on November 6, 2007 7:21 AM
How funny that the cook was hugging up on Mr. Ramsey . . . I was thinking it was hate and loathing!!! Once again, didn't see the show, but loved the recap . . . can the manager who quit really sue on the restaurants behalf . . . or his own for that matter . . . maybe his cell phone left him after that disappointing entry in the alley!!!
One more week to PR!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!
9 of 17 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on November 6, 2007 4:13 PM
hey guys! thanks so much for reading and commenting. i am really pissed to have missed the berating mother episode, but now that there is a writer's strike i am sure i will have thirty more times to catch it. oh an an update, the case martin filed against fox was dismissed. haha, sucka!
the case the cell phone has filed against martin, however, is still pending. LOVE
10 of 17 | Posted by flipit | Posted on November 6, 2007 5:47 PM
Flipit, not only did you miss the mother berating her son, but you missed the first episode (which is my favorite so far) of Peter's in Babylon, NY (actually Long Island, I grew up about 10 minutes from Babylon). It was where Peter (the son) was a "wantabee gangster" or Guido's as we called them and his sister who ran the place, Peter kept taking money out, bought a suit instead of a stove, nothing in the kitchen worked, tough guys kept showing up because Peter owed them money and fights erupted non-stop in the street. I can't wait for you to recap that one, hopefully it airs again soon....
11 of 17 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on November 7, 2007 4:24 AM
Flipit, not only did you miss the mother berating her son, but you missed the first episode (which is my favorite so far) of Peter's in Babylon, NY (actually Long Island, I grew up about 10 minutes from Babylon). It was where Peter (the son) was a "wantabee gangster" or Guido's as we called them and his sister who ran the place, Peter kept taking money out, bought a suit instead of a stove, nothing in the kitchen worked, tough guys kept showing up because Peter owed them money and fights erupted non-stop in the street. I can't wait for you to recap that one, hopefully it airs again soon....
12 of 17 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on November 7, 2007 4:27 AM
Flipit, I'm confused. Does a good date not consist of smelling urinal cakes? I guess some people just have really high standards.
13 of 17 | Posted by Treadingonme | Posted on November 8, 2007 1:52 PM
i love the show, but i have to admit im partically glad to know i missed this episode for i'm sure i would've upchuckd
14 of 17 | Posted by luke | Posted on November 23, 2007 8:38 PM
Haha! I'll bet no one comes back and reads these things, but I'm totally going to comment anyway. The first time I read this review, I had searched for this episode, but it had been taken down from the fox website for some reason. (probably because of the weird lawsuit that I didn't know about lol) I was very disappointed because, out of all the eps I watched, this was the one I wanted to read the most. I wanted to see all the icky things and learn why people wanted to never eat at a restaurant again after watching this.
So, tonight, I went to the website and found this episode. EXCELLENT. I had tvgasm open on the other tab so I could watch a little, read the review a little, and go back and forth.
That Martin is a piece of work. The way he jumped in at the end, right after Gordo said that he was using Mohammed, and was all omg I'm not using you I love you I respect you please give me your wife. That was just terrible. What an awful, sleazy man. Did he really sue Purnima? >_> I mean. Man. What kind of man at that age sits around and talks/messages on a cell like that?
In any case, I adored the episode. It was my favorite, and made me glad I never eat Indian-ness food. I also agree that Gordon is awesome. Someday, I'm going to eat in one of his restaurants.
As always, your reviews are excellent, flipit. I had fun watching and reading at the same time, and laughed a whole lot more.
15 of 17 | Posted by trey | Posted on January 9, 2008 5:31 AM
Ha. I went off to look around for this lawsuit. I found this:
*In one scene, Ramsay threw Hyde's cellphone on the sidewalk and made him crawl to retrieve it - then fired him with cameras rolling for dramatic effect, according to the lawsuit.*
...In the end, it's all about the damn cell phone. 8|;;; What in the world. Other things I read included people saying FOX left out a whole bunch of stuff; what Martin's job really was. The cabaret. Things like that. So now, I have know idea what to believe. This case was dismissed though, right?
I also found purnimarestaurant dot com!! Very interesting. And Sexy Vikas is still around. He advertises Purnima on his own website. And there are shows at the purnima?
mattypopo - wtf. Gordon's not a douchebag. He is very passionate about his work. Perhaps that sounds lame, but I think it's true. I swear, if I was given food and then found out it was rotten the next day, I would throw chairs.
16 of 17 | Posted by trey | Posted on January 9, 2008 5:53 AM
mattypopo, "you women want assholes" is the whiny cry of the male (can't call him a man) who thinks he's a Nice Guy. Any guy who thinks he's a Nice Guy is automatically without fail an intolerable asshole and jerk.
Martin probably thinks he's a Nice Guy.
17 of 17 | Posted by Blurgle | Posted on March 6, 2008 7:37 PM