Testimonials

Sad, meaningful piano music tinkles through the air, signifying our heartfelt moment with Sebastian. His wife, who looks like Roma Maffia from Nip/Tuck, comes to visit with the baby. Turns out Sebastian's Pizzeria is all her fault. She gave her hubby over three hundred thousand dollars to open the place and keep it running. WHAT?? No fair. How the hell did Sebastian get a sugar momma? This woman is either the most insecure chick on the planet, or she likes having a spouse who's a loser so she can feel like the smart one. As she nods with a condescending "of course you didn't" smile as he explains that he didn't make any money again today and rummages in his front shirt pocket for checks that aren't there, I lean toward the latter. She tells us that she controls the purse strings, and she's starting to resent the fact that she married the man in the headshots and ended up with this dude. The poor little kid looks like he completely understands the sick dynamic between his parents and wants to bolt.

Save me!

Well, kid. Gordon Ramsay might night not be able to get you into Oprah's boarding school, but he will try his damndest to make your dad less of a looza. On the first night of filming at the restaurant, no customers show, forcing Sebastian to close at eight. He would have closed at seven, but he was in the middle of a game of pool. Lou-Bertha knows that the place will close for good soon if someone doesn't come along and save it, and she almost cries thinking about it. Poor Lou-Bertha! Not to fear! Gordo's here! Actually, scratch that. Do fear.

Ramsay's immediately put off by the sign in the front of the restaurant that advertises live music, a woodfire oven, breakfast, plazma tvs, free HBO, a hot tub, and sucky fucky five dolla. Sebastian is impressed as hell with him, though. Having Gordon Ramsay to help him cook is the equivalent of having Robert DeNiro around to help him act! It figures that this guy would idolize DeNiro, and I have a feeling his fascination springs more from the Cape Fear version of the actor than the New York, New York version.

Sebastian greets Gordo and seats him in the fanciest red pleather booth available. Gordo asks him if he should be in the back, but he says that he greets every single guest and leaks as much out of work actor desperation on them as he can before they eat. Yummy. Time to describe the concept! Gordo is horrified that there is a concept that extends beyond red pleather, bad art on the walls, and table cloths with glass on top, but Sebastian carries on with his vision.

I would say something bitchy about this dish, but I kinda think it's brilliant.

Pick a meat, pick a combo, pick a sauce, then a marinade, then pick a number between one and twenty, then pick your favorite color and your your dream vacation. Gordo's face is in his hands before the spiel is done, which the waitresses find hilarious. Sebastian doesn't get it. When he stops for air, Ramsay says the hideous pictures of the sloppy food make him want to cut himself all over with a butter knife until he bleeds to death and he's never seen a more complicated menu in his life, to which Sebastian proudly replies "I bet you haven't!" Ugh. Not a compliment, crazy face. Ramsay orders calamari, which Sebastian claims is fresh. Cut to Sebastian telling the cameras he is offended that the Chef wouldn't assume the calamari was fresh. Sebastian doesn't serve frozen calamari! Ramsay rounds out his order with a Strip Steak, followed by the best pizza Sebastian can muster.

While Sebastian is in the kitchen working his magic, Gordo passes the time by playing with Sonja the waitress like a cat toy. He asks what she does and she twirls her flip do and baby talks. "I'm an aaaactress?" He asks if she plays with Sebastian. LOL, Ramsay. Sonja can't tell if he's suggesting she's giving her boss ass (note to Sonja: he is) so he clarifies that he means do they play together as actors and she giggles, relieved that he wasn't suggesting that she's a slutty bimbo after all (note to Sonja: reread the first note).

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Posted in Kitchen Nightmares by Flipit at 6:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)
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