Testimonials

Since he is earning upwards of a million bucks an episode, Gordo returns to observe dinner service. The staff plays around and has fun prepping, and Waitress Mia explains that this is no ordinary restaurant. Everyone who works here is an actor (Shakespeare Sonja), a rapper (spitting off rhythm line cook), or a model (Mia(?!?!?!?)). Riiiiight. Glad to know Sebastian has some crazy to keep him company. This girl's cross eyed.

Before Model

Gordo looks disdainfully on as "customers" start filing off the FOX bus and into the restaurant. Sebastian hugs the women and tells them he'll meet them at their tables for a beer. Oy. At least pretend to not suck so hard. The waitresses, obviously not used to having waited on anyone ever, have trouble explaining the menu. Before Model Ali tells us it takes up to twenty minutes to go through the spiel, so everything starts lagging. While Sebastian makes his rounds of grossing out the extras, whom he refers to as "the young who's who of Hollywood", Ramsay watches his staff try to keep it together in the kitchen. All they're really doing is pressing buttons on the microwave and adding parsley to things, but timing is getting the best of them.

Who's who?

Dinner service is going downhill rapidly, so Sebastian kicks an offended Lou-Bertha off the line to prove to Ramsay that his talent is endless. He can drink, yell and microwave all at the same time. Things were bad when Sebastian was on the floor, but it's just embarrassing to watch him act like he's ever done anything in the kitchen Roma Maffia built. And now it's time for my favorite part of the show! The Real Person's Fifteen Minutes! An older lady with a New Yawk Squawk almost as grating as Sebastian's has something in her salad that's not lettuce. Her table screams, and Grissom and Marg Helgenberger come in to investigate what the non lettuce is.

CSI: All Over the World

"It's a hair! There's a hair in my salad! I know it's not my hair, cuz it's not dyed. Is that a hair? In my salad? That's a hair! And it's not mine! And it's in my salad! A hair in my salad! I felt it going down my throat and then I caught it! My friend saw me pull it out of my mouth! I pulled a hair out of my mouth! A hair that was in my salad!" Well done, real person. Enjoy your Family Guy DVD box set and your gift certificate to Omaha Steaks. You deserve it. Sebastian looks around the restaurant and tries to figure out which employee he should fire for losing their hair.

It's probably the same a hole who's been sneaking into your house at night and clogging your shower drain.

Finally, Sebastian stops pretending and just does what he does best. Sits outside with some frightened real people and binge drinks while his restaurant is in chaos. Gordo comes out to ask sarcastically if he's chillin' with his friends. "Yup!" He demands to see him in the kitchen, so Sebastian polishes off a bottle of beer and waves at the real people. "See ya. I have to go" quote unquote fingers "work." Ugh. Quote unquote fingers. Just when you thought he'd sunk as low as he can go, Sebastian has raised his unlikability quotient another notch.

Almost every single thing being served is pre-processed and frozen, and Sebastian has to good sense to not lie about it (again) to Ramsay. He explains that in order to franchise the place, everything has to be easily prepared. The Pakistan branch of Sebastian's All Over The World can't be expected to mix dough and water for pizza crust and still have time to pray five times a day. It's gonna be hard enough to get the waitresses in berkas featuring "Without Sebastian's, I'd Starve!" printed on the back.

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Posted in Kitchen Nightmares by Flipit at 6:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)
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