Testimonials

He goes on to say that this restaurant is just his quote unquote fingers "launching" pad for his name and Gordo calls him a fake chef and says that if he thinks what he's doing will get him anything other than a divorce, he's beyond help. He gathers the staff and congratulates Sebastian's Pizzeria for taking all three nominations for most confused restaurant ever conceived. Oh, I get it. Cuz you're in LA! Three hundred dollars of food was comped because of bad service or mystery hairs, and that's unacceptable. Sebastian has taken all of this in without losing it so far, but when he's told in no uncertain terms that the menu is going to change, he starts pulling at his face skin like he's trying to take it off. Sensing that a line is about to be crossed before he's even had a chance to do anything, Gordo leaves it at that and goes home for the night.

Next day, the staff reconvenes. Gordo has come up with a brilliant, complex plan: turn Sebastian's Pizzeria into a...drumroll...pizzeria. Confused murmers all around. Does anyone know how to toss dough? Sound of cows mooing in the distance. Don't worry, he's brought in professional tossers to show them how to be amazing tossers, tossers! Gordo calls them tossers about a hundred times, and it's funny because he's the only one who seems to know that "tosser" is cockney slang for "idiot". There is a reason this man's a star.

The staff is excited for the opportunity to play with real dough. Lou-Bertha is a little bit annoyed that she will have to get rid of her fingernails, otherwise known as the only things other than her braids keeping her from becoming a spitting image of Mike Tyson during the Robin Given years, but she'll do what she's told.

Who you callin a tosser?!?

The next day, the staff is shown the new place. It's been rearranged for a more open, airy look, and almost all the chairs and tables are new. The biggest change is that there will no longer be frozen dough, because FOX has also sprung for a top of the line mixer! Lou Bertha cries and jumps up and down like someone just told her she could keep her nails, and even Sebastian has to smile. Good news out of the way, it's time for a staff meeting.

Sebastian is immediately wary when he notices that Ramsay is holding two menus. One is the old six pager, which Gordo tosses far away as soon as he has everyone's attention. The new menu is simple. A few fresh pizzas, a steak, and a whole chicken, all cooked in the wood burning grill. Sebastian starts pulling at his face skin and making air quotes at no one in particular. Gordo pokes at him, asking if he's mad there aren't any pictures. Ha. Sebastian says that there's no "uniqueness", and Gordo gently says he's had his two and a half years to suck his way, now it's time to try something new.

The night of the re-launch is the same night of the Academy Awards, so Ramsay rolls a red carpet out in front of the restaurant and makes sure FOX packs the place with as many real people as possible. As the staff of merry tossers gets ready for their big night, Sebastian paces around stewing, working himself up more and more by the minute. He mutters to himself about how he's the only one who actually does any work around this place and the birds the birds they're coming for me! He gets out the vacuum cleaner and kicks it, then calls Lou Bertha in to yell at her nonsensically. She diagnoses the problem for us: All the change "is a bit overwhelming for Sebastian's head."

You don't say.

The night starts off with the customers responding well to the new menu and the staff of tossers is moving faster and more cohesively. It makes Sebastian insane. He finally starts to crack and gets to the kitchen. He makes food from the old menu (that no one ordered) and starts sending it to tables. He gets in the way and starts sabotaging his tossers, causing everything to slow down and get screwed up. Ramsay, who has been watching this breakdown unfold from afar all day, has to step in. Sebastian says that he's not going to give up on his uniqueness, which leads Gordo to utter my favorite line ever. "I am forty years old and have eaten at lots of restaurants and I have never, ever, ever met anyone I believe in as little as you."

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