Testimonials

Gordo barfs, at least that's what the loud exaggerated sound effect leads us to believe, but unlike him, I am getting used to the site of the nasty kitchens. Like a teenager who turns into a violent monster after playing too much Grand Theft Auto, this show has desensitized me to culinary uncleanliness. The other day I found a pickle slice on the floor of my car and didn't even think twice before I popped it into my mouth. If I'm ever homeless, I think I'll be prepared. Thanks, FOX!

Michel comes into the walk in all chipper and smiles as Gordo rips into him. Ramsay tells him to stop smiling and try to take this seriously. There has to be a personality in there somewhere, let er rip! Michel refuses at first, so Gordo continues on with the whole you're a worthless loser who deserves to be harpooned and fed to starving children in Darfur tactic, finally bringing the real Michel to the surface. He doesn't need to be told how to run a keechen! He's worked for Chef Blah Blah Fancy Pants and Chef Prestigious Chefie Chef and banged Julia Child in her prime. He knows what the hell he's doing!

Meow

Well did Chef Blah Blah Fancy Pants have maggots in the potatoes? Crickets. Ramsay softens his voice to really drive his point home and tells Michel he's the crappiest crap ever crapped. Nothing personal, though. I took a page out of Gordo's book and used that on the busboy after I called him a lazy ignorant pig tonight at work. It's the most liberating phrase ever. You can say what you want and no one's allowed to hold you liable. Sure, Fernando cried, but in a professional way.

Michel looks like a deer about to get hit by a semi while Gordo's around, but when he's alone with the cameras, it's a different story. The guy is spitting mad. Literally spitting. So gross. Gordo comes up with a towel and makes him wipe every spot there is spit on until the kitchen is sparkling clean.

Next step is to observe the restaurant on a busy night. Usually a FOX bus pulls up and lets off a bunch of "real people" to eat in the featured nightmares, but I guess real people in Moorpark, CA aren't easily swayed because it's a couple of hours into service before anyone shows up at all. Sammy the waitress, who suddenly has an English accent again, tells us that no one showing up is like a slap in the face. No, this is like a slap in the face. Slap. Stop talking like a retard and pick a nationality.

Suddenly, the sound of whooping cough and random whiney complaining is heard and the walkers with tennis balls on the legs start filing in verrrrry verrrry slooowwwwlly. Gordo shrugs. They may be a bit stale, but old real people are better than no real people.

Oh yes it's Ladies Night, and the feelin's right. Oh yes it's Ladies Night, oh what a night!

Gordo notices an old guy trying to mash an unripe strawberry slice with a tiny piece of cheese on top and snatches the plate before he marches back to the kitchen. Michel of course tells Gordo that everyone looooves itz! I hope so, because everything that comes out of his kitchen takes half an hour. You see, Michele believes that when you go to dinner, you should relax and spend three hours in the restaurant. That's how they do it in France, he assures us. Guess why Americans don't live in France, asshole? BECAUSE WE HATE HOW FRENCH PEOPLE DO SHIT. Gordo's response to this insanity is way more succinct: "God bless America."

Since it's a slim chance that Gordo's going to convince this dope the way they do things in France is ass backwards, he decides to just concentrate on the food. Is everything on the menu stuffed or crusted? No, Michel does a bit of everything! Gordo makes him list every protein on the menu, and every single one is stuffed and/or crusted. And they taste horrible. Michel dozen't ackgree! It iz a differenz of opinnion! Gordo leaves the kitchen for a breath of fresh air and to bleeeep bleeep bleeeeep to the cameras outside. It's one thing being a bad cook. That's solvable, but Michel is batshit crazy. I would tell you the rest but it was all bleeped out.

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Posted in Kitchen Nightmares by Flipit at 4:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)
Last Comment: pinkberries on Nov 15, 2008 09:52 PM.