Testimonials

G-Ram redoes the restaurant and refocuses the menu, explaining that a steakhouse is what would really succeed in that particular neighborhood. He slaps Dean around with a few pieces of raw meat and puts some really nice couches in the middle of his restaurant for after-dinner food-coma naps. G-Ram is back a year later, and before commenting on anything else, asks Dean if he had any botox. LOL! Dean does look a bit younger and smoother, but waves away G-Ram's questioning. All I can say is that if he can afford to inject botulism into his face, I certainly hope he has resolved that half a million dollar debt thing.

I'm just getting a lot of sleep lately. That and maybe the time I accidentally tripped, fell, and landed on a plastic surgeon's syringe.

In other news unrelated to Dean's super hot sweater-vest, the Olde Stone Mill is doing fabulously (of course), and everyone is happy. Blah blah. If this show is going to be entirely made up of success stories, I'm going to have a hard time making fun of it.

Next, G-Ram heads back to a restaurant called The Mixing Bowl, where a semi-retarded manager took 50% off of guest checks and put huge, obnoxiously-colored signs in the window begging people to "ORDER YOUR HOLIDAY DESSERTS NOW!" in mid-April. Which honestly works for me, since my birthday happens to be in mid-April. Order your holiday desserts now. For me.

G-Ram's second visit to The Mixing Bowl is unsurprisingly successful. Of course. Yawn. Is it just me, or does anybody else feel like they were hoping for at least one of these places to completely crash and burn? I mean, what is the likelihood that they all not only survived, but flourished? And does the fact that they did have more to do with being featured in a G-Ram TV show than the restaurant actually getting any better?

Sigh. Well, the manager has replaced his ridiculous holiday dessert sign with a picture of the staff with G-Ram (I knew it! I'm calling Shenanigans! SHENANIGANS!) and the owners are happy, in the black, and been done up by professional makeup artists. Because how else can you emanate success other than via airbrushing?

Before, she didn't even have eyebrows.


See?

Next, we have the most disgusting restaurant in Kitchen Nightmare history. Apparently, this place was home to not only owners, chefs, waiters and patrons, but also roaches, flies, rats and mold. They also had a tendency to serve whatever they felt like as opposed to what was actually on the menu, i.e. a meat fritter in the "vegetarian" appetizer and pork instead of beef (because G-Ram, a michelin-rated chef, probably won't notice).

I never actually saw this episode, but just a recap of what happened is enough to make my stomach turn. This is the stuff that makes you seriously afraid to eat out in any city, ever. Actually, last week, my dad and I went out for lunch at a Chinese restaurant and I saw a beetle crawl across the seat behind my father and I freaked out. We had already ordered and we kind of half-ate anyway, but bottom line, no. Do. Not. Want. EVER. Even the suggestion of an insect in a restaurant makes my skin crawl. No disgusting pun intended.

Roachbusters.

Luckily, the superhot chef Vikas that G-Ram found for what was formerly Dillion's but is now called Purnima stayed, and the food is still almost as superhot as Vikas. The place is immaculate, the food is good, and I'm still waiting for something catastrophic to laugh at. Sigh.

There is one awkward moment when G-Ram tells Vikas that he's "far too good-looking to be a chef," and although I heartily agree, this makes me nervous. If those two hook up, it ruins my entire plan of going to New York, kidnapping Vikas, making him bring me to G-Ram, and then coercing the two of them to perform sexual favors for me. Shit.

Soooo...what time do you get off?

The next check-up G-Ram needs to make is with Campania, an Italian eatery in New Jersey with Flinstones' T-bone size portions, rambunctious staff, and an odd mistrust of recipes or measuring cups. The only plus for this place? The owner is very, very cute.

G-Ram waves his magic wand (ooh. Just got that mental image. Mmm.) and everybody's happy. The portions are smaller, the food is better, the staff is well-behaved, and in celebration, they smash all the old, HUGE plates to swear off the money-wasting ways of the past. HOOOPAH!

This is SO My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

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Posted in Kitchen Nightmares by AuJew at 1:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)
Last Comment: teri00 on Sep 12, 2008 10:17 AM.