We open with an intro to Mount Sinai, which is apparently not only where Moses was given the ten commandments, but also a suburb on Long Island, and home to Handlebar, a restaurant owned by Billy and Carolyn LeRoy. They've been the new owners for just over a year, and permanent residents of the 80's for just under thirty.

Which came first, the restaurant or the 'stache?

Carolyn says that they bought it run-down, but since Billy is so "handy," they saw potential to turn it into a great place, because completing every item on a "Honey-Do" list and repairing and running and restaurant are super-similar. Billy says that in it's "heyday," the Handlebar was a popular place filled with important people like senators and judges, but now it's become a local watering hole with 70% of the money coming from the bar alone. Personally, this does not seem weird to me, as when I go out, that's about the drink-to-food ratio that appears on my bill. I likes the sauce.

We are introduced to Mary Jane, Beth and Amanda, a few of Billy's servers. They claim that Billy needs to "be more involved. Like, answer the phone." Oh Beth, don't be silly. He's busy and his mouth is full.

70% of the money comes from the bar alone. 70% of that money comes from Billy.

Handlebar suffers from the typical problems that the Kitchen Nightmares restaurants suffer from, i.e. dirty kitchens, poor quality of food, and a lackluster chef. Carolyn confidently says "Melissa is an excellent chef!" Cut to Melissa saying "I am not a chef. I don't claim to be a chef, I don't wanna be a chef, I'm not very creative..." and then popping things in plastic containers into a microwave. Bwahahahahahahahahaha, amazing.

The violins play as Carolyn tells us that they risk losing everything, including their home, if the Handlebar fails. This is usually the part where they talk about how fantastic G-Ram is, and how they hope he'll come and fix everything for them and make their lives happy again. I always wonder if these people have seen the show before or if they are just delusional because G-Ram does come and fix things, but they're always super-surprised that he's kind of an ass to them and screams in their faces first. I mean, have you never seen the man speak, ever?

Cut to G-Ram driving around in his Hummer (et tu, G-Ram?), following a GPS. Unfortunately, the GPS tells him to go west, but the signs posted claim that both directions in which he may turn are "west." Silly Long Island. He calls the restaurant for directions, and Amanda sorts him out. Then she freaks out because she thinks he's superhot for an "older man" and has a kickin' bod and is "like, really, really hot" and she's afraid that if she waits on him, she'll keep talking and talking and talking and say something stupid and I tuned out because she won't stop talking and talking and talking. She says this all at about 1000 wpm. I can't say I disagree with her on G-Ram's hotness factor, but she uses the word "like" about seventeen times in three sentences and that's inexcusable.

Like, so totally, like, really, like retarded. Like.

Carolyn seats G-Ram and gives him the menus. Yes, plural. They have four menus. G-Ram notes that they definitely have quantity, but is it quality?

Ask that brat.

While he's waiting for his food, G-Ram notes that bar is quite busy, but the dining room is empty. We get it. People come here to get wasted, and then hit up McDonald's on the way home. He also says the decor is "ghastly," and they cut to an arcade game that looks like it was made about the same year as Carolyn's turtleneck sweater.

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