Testimonials

G-Ram sends everything back because it's all terrible, and Anthony has a temper tantrum in the kitchen and knocks over a few plates with his rock-hard shrimp. After the early birders leave, and the restaurant is empty at 7 pm, G-Ram sits everyone down to watch him ass-ream Anthony. He tells them he'll be back the next day to see if he can turn the place around. After walking about a block, he decides he can't sleep, and is going to have to take a look at the place right now. The family continues to argue and seems completely unaware that G-Ram and an entire camera crew have looped back around and gone into the kitchen to examine the place, which seems a bit fishy to me. You'd at least hear them banging around back there, or maybe one of the sous-chefs would come out and say something.

G-Ram finds mold, rotten meat, and a few presents left behind from the subleters:

He busts in on the meeting and brings Anthony and Joe into the kitchen to show them how disgusting it is. He asks how often it's cleaned, and Anthony says "we ask the staff to do it every day." G-Ram replies, "You're telling me you're half a million dollars in debt, and you're sitting on your ass and don't even clean yourself?" to which Anthony asks, "Isn't that why you have staff?" It's definitely people like Anthony that make me detest middle-management.

G-Ram gets so annoyed with Anthony that he turns to them, tells them they have no chance, and fuck it, he's leaving. He gets about halfway down the street, and Anthony follows him, begging for him to come back and he promises to never do it again. This kind of reminds me of when you're little and you threaten to run away from home and your parents totally let you because they know you'll get about halfway down the street before you realize in about an hour it's time for dinner plus it's a new episode of Kids Incorporated. So you drag your suitcase back home and sneak in the porch door and your mom pretends the whole thing never happened.

The whole family gives the kitchen a good scrubdown before bed. G-Ram has them meet him at a farm the next day. He asks what comes from cows, and gets a variety of interesting answers.

"Churches! Churches!!" "Erm...very small rocks?"

Finally Anthony figures out that G-Ram was looking for "what is fresh mozzarella." They all milk cows together so they can use the fresh milk to make fresh cheese and build a new cheese house for Joe and Pat so that when they get foreclosed, they will have someplace nice to live that ages well. G-Ram tells Pat he wants to see her milking skills. Oh G-Ram, you dirty man, you.

Milking skills my ass.

Anthony kind of sucks at milking and G-Ram tells him that teats are not his strong point.

You're tellin' me!

They bring the fresh milk back to be pasteurized and become their very first (and probably last) batch of fresh mozz.

G-Ram invents three specials for them using the fresh mozz, and they start a real dinner service with no early birders in sight. Only paid actors. People are ordering the specials, but Anthony is refusing to taste the food before it goes out, so it's all coming back as "dry," "overdone," and "just okay." G-Ram keeps telling him to taste the food, but he has some kind of mental block. My guess is Manorexia. G-Ram leaves the kitchen to go out back and talk shit about Anthony with the cameraman, but then locks himself out and starts kicking the door and yelling British profanities. He finds his way back in just in time to see Anthony spill potatoes all over the floor they just scrubbed to high heaven. Something starts burning and the kitchen smokes up completely, setting off the fire alarm with a dining room full of patrons. And even as the ship sinks, the string quartet pull out their instruments and solemnly play a farewell dirge as the icy water begins to creep its way higher and higher in the ill-fated vessel...

Seriously?

Er, sorry. That was a different three hours of my life that I wanted back.

Anthony turns off the fire alarm and they all try to regroup and finish the dinner service. After dinner, everyone is pretty miserable and pissed off and Anthony says that if the restaurant fails, he thinks that he and Tiffany will probably be over, too. On the bright side, he can always go back to his career in oracular prophecy.

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Posted in Kitchen Nightmares by AuJew at 3:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)
Last Comment: J-Mo on Oct 3, 2008 07:36 AM.