Testimonials

G-Ram busts Anthony's balls again for not tasting anything, and everyone else gives him the stinkeye. G-Ram tells them all to get a good night's sleep, and everyone kind of files out without making eye contact or conversation with Anthony. Ten bucks says that when they got home, Anthony had to take care of his own rock-hard shrimp.

The next day, G-Ram shows them the remodeled restaurant, which honestly looks exactly the same, just everything is in a weird shade of mauve instead of beige. They seem pretty happy about it though. G-Ram also shows them the new menu. Everyone looks thrilled and for some reason, they're all wearing puffy black Northface.

Alright...who called whom??

They relaunch with new food and a new fresh mozzarella bar. Everyone is liking the food, and that's partially due to the fact that Anthony has decided to taste it before it goes out so he can tell if it needs seasoning, but also partially due to the fact that they are G-Ram's recipes and paid actors eating them. Pat is also wearing a really slutty dress in case any of the dirty old men come by looking for their early bird special.

They find out that there's a food critic from Bon Appetit magazine coming to the restaurant, and everyone shits themselves a little bit. When she finally shows up, she kind of looks and sounds like my Jewish "aunt" from Brookline; very posh and artsy-fartsy at the same time, but with her voice pretty much dripping with money that you'd never know she had. I say "aunt" because she's my mom's best friend, one of those never-married, never-mothered types who will babysit you while you're fun but drop you off the minute you scream. Wouldn't necessarily mind being one of those one day. Pretty sure that's the category our food critic falls under.

She also makes a pretty awesome o-face when she eats.

The critic and her entourage love the food (she brings about sixteen people because, hey, free meal) and everything is a success. But G-Ram isn't finished with torturing Anthony or his rock-hard shrimp.

He brings Anthony out back and gives him a ring which looks just like a plain band of what could possibly be pewter or else really dirty silver and tells him to propose. All I can say is, if it isn't a rock, don't bother to knock.

Anthony looks like pee is trickling down the side of his leg, but he agrees, and G-Ram introduces him as the "chef-patron" of the restaurant. He thanks everyone as though he's received an academy award, and then says there's only one thing in his life that isn't official. He gets on one knee and asks Tiffany to marry him, and she cries and says yes but the whole thing seems pretty contrived and more than a little lame in my opinion. And let me just say that anyone who proposes to me because someone else gave him a ring and told him that he ought to do it is someone I don't particularly want to marry.

G-Ram tells them he has another surprise--he's arranged to have them married right then and there!! HAHAHAHAHAhaaaaaaa guess who doesn't trust Anthony to make good on this deal, either???? There's a wedding dress, miraculously suited to Tiffany's exact proportions, hanging in the back, and all their family and friends just happened to be there.

Dude! It seemed totally legit to me!!!

Come to think of it, nobody seemed totally surprised, and suddenly Pat's slutty evening gown makes perfect sense...on behalf of all of us out there, I would like to announce that we are NOT falling for it. Not one little bit. Not even for you, Ramsay.

Stay tuned for Part 2, coming to you shortly!!!

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Posted in Kitchen Nightmares by AuJew at 3:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)
Last Comment: J-Mo on Oct 3, 2008 07:36 AM.