Yes, this week's episode of Laguna Beach was all about Tess and her upcoming seventeenth birthday. Little did she know that there was a surprise party planned in her honor. At the outset of the episode, Rocky asked her what she wanted, and I was praying that the answer might involve some sort of nasal decongestant. However, the chronically wooden birthday girl merely said (or read, perhaps), "I don't know [pause... 2... 3... 4... ] I just want to hang out with Chase." Yes, Tessa wanted to spend her birthday with the school's resident rock star/scarecrow, Chase, but one problem: "He's always busy with his music," Tessa sighed, wallowing in the bland realities of her existence.

Anyway, Tessa and Raquel continued to discuss the enigmatic being that is Chase, and I would tell you what they said but a) it was forgettable, and b) I kept getting distracted by Tessa's magazine flapping in the gale force Laguna winds. Hey Tessa, it's called a paperweight. LOOK INTO IT.

Nevertheless, I did seem to remember the girls saying how Chase wanted to be a rock star, and I'm sure if anyone could help, it would be Rocky. You know, on account of her being the long lost spawn of Naomi Judd. Anyway, the opening credits then rolled, and soon we learned the title of tonight's epic show: "Who Wants To Date A Rock Star?" I couldn't tell if that was a rhetoric question or a general plea. Either way, it provoked nightmarish visions of Tommy Lee taking Tessa on a date at Dave and Buster's, and for that I was not happy.

Speaking of Rock Stars, we then headed over to Nick G.'s house (no relation to Warren) where the dumb band, Open Air Stereo, was busy practicing. As far as teen rockers go, they weren't as painfully cacophonous as Talan's "let's play random notes" band, but that's not saying much. Luckily, we didn't hear much of their music in this scene -- just a mere snippet featuring Chase singing "Ahhhhh" over and over again. Yes, he's quite the wordsmith. Silverchair better watch out!

Well, the band took a quick break, and conveniently, Rocky called Chase up and asked him if they were all set for Tessa's party. You see, up until now, we didn't know there was a party, and from the sounds of it, this was gonna be a surprise party! "She has no clue," Rocky said, adding, "Seriously, she has no clue about anything. She doesn't even know what birds are." Okay, Rocky didn't say that last part, but Chase did note that this party is "gonna rage!" And let's be honest. Nothing saying ragin' like a wild girl like Tessa!

And what was Tessa doing at that moment? Oh, you know. Just staring off into space. Raquel walked up to her in a café and kissed her on the cheek, "surprising" her in the process. "Oh. Hey," Tessa remarked in her typically captivating way. Rocky then wished her a happy birthday week (shouldn't it be birth week, not birthday week?) to which Tessa replied, "Thank you!" This was followed by the arrival of their food, prompting Rocky to say, "Thank you!" which was then echoed by Tessa who also chirped, "Thank you!" Seriously, everyone STOP SAYING THANK YOU. WE GET IT.