Driving back from Dave and Buster's (or D&B's as the cool kids call it), somehow Kristin got over-excited in the car and wound up talking a million miles a second. This girl is a total spaz. Somebody in Laguna Beach must have a spare muzzle that we can borrow, yes? Just about the only thing that could shut up Kristin was the ongoing lamentations of Jessica, who in the backseat continued to kvetch about Jason and whether or not he was trustworthy. "He's always like 'Jess, like I'm not cheating on you. If you don't believe me, then fine. That's f*cked up, but whatever.'" To which admitted cheater Kristin replied, "That's what I would do! That's what I used to do." Kristin then giggled at herself, sadly not adding, "Ahh, I'm such a slut."
Nevertheless, Kristin actually did seem to be correct in this instance, but Jessica would have none of it. You see, Jessica is, how do you say, dumb. And as the girls kept impressing upon her that Jason was lying to her, Jess finally snapped and busted out a completely random but welcomed midwestern accent: "Like Kristen, like no offense, but you can get any guy you want -- anytime, any place. You cayan. I'm sorry, you cayan. But I cayan't! I'm a different person, but I cayan't!" Oh ya! You betcha!
Jessica then employed some enjoyably illogical logic by saying that every guy she's been with has treated her like shit. So now, she's only going to break up with Jason if she has solid proof of him cheating on her. Okay, okay, okay. Let's deconstruct this bit of ridiculousness. How does Jason's dubious behavior (lying, not calling) not qualify as being treated badly as well? And since when does "You can't prove that I cheated" qualify as a healthy, loving backbone to a relationship? AND WHY THE HELL AM I DECONSTRUCTING THIS? AHH!!! I've become one of them!!!
Anyway, speaking of Jason, the hunky dreamboat was now in Morgan's backyard talking to Alex (the non-Roz one). The two flirtatiously talked about really nothing at all -- honestly, I don't remember one bit of their conversation beyond just "Yeah" and "Uh huh" -- but I guess that's because they were too busy eye-f*cking each other instead. Oh yeah, I said it. Unfortunately, there was no cheating, but I would highly encourage it. After all, this Alex chick seemed way cooler than the needy Mary Jo Buttafuoco that is Jessica.
We then cut to commercial, and just as we returned to the show, we caught a brief promo for MTV.com where LC engaged us in a fascinating account of how she once lost her shoes at a bonfire. Riveting.
Back in sunny Laguna, we returned to the troika of idiocy known as Kristin, Jessica, and Alex (okay, Alex doesn't seem that dumb, and of everyone on the show, she seems to be the nicest. But she loses IQ points for hanging out with these girls). The gals all stopped into a small boutique where the cute, blonde Taylor (famous for dodging a 3 inch tsunami earlier in the episode) manned the cash register. It just so happened that Taylor and Kristin used to be friends, but somewhere along the line, they became enemies (Taylor probably realized she could find more intellectual stimulation with a pineapple). Nevertheless, the two girls were sweet and phony to each other, but then later, Kristin, who had spent the latter part of the season premiere (and season preview special) boasting about how much cliques and high school drama don't bother her anymore, immediately went into full catty bitch mode. You see, Alex asked why all the clothes were so ugly, causing Kristin to retort, "'Cause look who's working here." Yes, Kristin. I'm sure Taylor's presence behind the cash register yielded this crop of unsightly fashions. As the girls of Laguna Beach would say, "Whatever!"
Elsewhere in The 'Guna, the cameras caught Lo at probably the most unflattering low angle ever as she marched down LC's stairs to her front door (not before picking a flower and squealing in her usual annoying way). She and LC shared a hug, gossiped about Stephen, and then their conversation came to an odd halt as Lo muttered the word "closer" several times. Okay, so these girls have absolutely nothing interesting to say. Moving on...
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Comments (46)
You have nailed this commentary. Thanks for the best laugh I've had in months. I like, totally agree with everything you said.
1 of 46 | Posted by Cathleen | Posted on August 3, 2005 7:49 PM
B-Side -
Did I remember to tell you I love you today?
I'm not even finished reading the LB recap, and I can't stop laughing. You have perfectly captured LB in all of its glorious idiodacy!
Bless you.
P.S.:
If you don't stop calling that girl Roz from Frasier, I think my face will crack from laughing.
2 of 46 | Posted by joslyn | Posted on August 3, 2005 7:55 PM
OMG, right back at ya! I totally love this show beyond death! Squeal! I mean, if you're going to be horny and stupid, go to the O.C. Don't tarnish Austin. Anyway...
(pause - I forgot to make a cocktail and I need one after reading this recap)
3 minutes later....
Oh, that's better. Like O.K., you have totally slayed me TVGasm. I have wanted a Laguna Beach recap so bad from somebody other than my 19 year old niece.
Anyway, your recap is the total best. What I like best personally (and I'm not lying, swear on James' Bible) is that about 80% of the population of the real Laguna Beach is gay, but they've edited them out of the show!! OMG! Squeal! How'd they do that? Do these kids really live there or are they bused in from Newport Beach to film this show?
Oh yeah, there is that one gay guy, who shows up from time to time. He's Kristen's friend, and he's like totally cute and a bitch just like her. I think he showed up in the first episode again. So despite her flaws, I totally love Kristin, because she's an 18 year old fag hag, and a proud slut, and I didn't even know there were gay people or sluts when I was 18. So Kristin is really cool.
And Steven, you gotta love him. He's a total cad! ditto Squeal! (LC, kill her in a tragic accident on PCH, and fast). OMG, he's going back to SF after Xmas break. Will he quit school or flunk out like LC did, just to stay around? Tune in.
And not only is Morgan like totally confusing (she looks like the one from last year, only stretched on a rack and liposuctioned). But, OMG, there are two Alex's, and I can't tell one from the other! I hate that!
Anyway, I can't wait for more. Love you TVGasm. Mean it. Double Squeal. xoxo. Please, return with these recaps.
3 of 46 | Posted by Bob | Posted on August 3, 2005 9:41 PM
thank you so much for the re cap. i am completely obsessed with guna. i watch it ever time it airs...even at work! I don't know how i feel about the new cast..morgan and christina were m number one faves. what do you think about gawker posting lo's personal photo album? and the real names?
4 of 46 | Posted by mary | Posted on August 3, 2005 9:48 PM
How the fuck can this show still be on the air? It's the worst thing I think to ever happen to reality tv (and that's pretty low!! Even worst that Meet Mister Mom!)
Hillarious commentary because really, what is NOT in this show that can't be ridiculed. These hacks at MTV who created this thing are worthless.
5 of 46 | Posted by Baz | Posted on August 4, 2005 12:06 AM
Casey looks and sounds just like Miss Howard Stern, Andrea. And I don't see any resemblance between Alex/Roz. Otherwise, great summary. More exciting than the actual epsiode.
6 of 46 | Posted by acslater | Posted on August 4, 2005 6:17 AM
I totally hate this show, tried to give it another shot this week and still hated it. but did anyone see hte commerial during Laguna beach for that new fx show, something about living in Philly? It looked really funny.
7 of 46 | Posted by Leah3t | Posted on August 4, 2005 6:32 AM
I LOVE YOU B-SIDE!!! thank you, thank you, thank you!
and the "Too Soon?", perfect timing in my book!
8 of 46 | Posted by bear | Posted on August 4, 2005 8:25 AM
it's never too soon.
9 of 46 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on August 4, 2005 8:41 AM
i love laguna beach please keep recapping! Stephen and LC need to hook up!
10 of 46 | Posted by liltick | Posted on August 4, 2005 10:10 AM
Thanks B-side for the recap!
11 of 46 | Posted by suebe | Posted on August 4, 2005 10:20 AM
I'm obsessed with this show! I know it's worthless, but I can't help it. Please keep doing the recaps...you're a genius!
12 of 46 | Posted by K | Posted on August 4, 2005 10:24 AM
does no one care about lo's photo album? can anyone do any digging and find out what the deal with the fake names is?
13 of 46 | Posted by mary | Posted on August 4, 2005 10:42 AM
yeah, no one cares, mary. sorry. and according to gawker, it's fake anyway - as well as some of this show:
http://www.gawker.com/news/mtv/laguna-beach-and-the-meaning-of-life-115673.php
14 of 46 | Posted by rhm | Posted on August 4, 2005 10:55 AM
Fake names? Are they all using fake names? If so, the people at MTV should be fired, naming two girls Alex that look alike.
15 of 46 | Posted by carol | Posted on August 4, 2005 11:01 AM
Will you marry me?
Brilliant wrap up.
um, I bought the dvd. im obsessed for some unknown reason.
16 of 46 | Posted by minik | Posted on August 4, 2005 11:12 AM
mary, thanks for writing in about the thing on gawker... i am curious too. (sorry rhm- i care.) i do agree that it would be strange to have people with the same names if the names are made up, but who knows. in lo's album lc seems to be named kaley and morgan seems to be called chris- any truth to this?
17 of 46 | Posted by kate | Posted on August 4, 2005 1:39 PM
I wanna thank you too B-Side for doing this hilarious write-up. I, for some odd reason, like the show a lot. It seems so fake at times, but I'm just so into it. How cute is Stephen... I wanna eat him up. Forget LC and slutty Kristin... He's too good for them. And what's with Kristin practically bragging about being a cheater? How sad is that. As for Jessica, she'll learn that looks aren't everything one day.
18 of 46 | Posted by couchpotato | Posted on August 4, 2005 1:57 PM
leah3t-- do you mean " it's always sunny in philadelphia"? that looks HILARIOUS..i can't wait till it premiers on FX along with "starved"
bside-- brilliant commentary, as usual.
that picture comparison between casey and terri schiavo made me both laugh out loud and feel extremely unocofortable at the same time..keep up the good work
19 of 46 | Posted by somebody | Posted on August 4, 2005 1:58 PM
somebody- that's the show i mean! it looks great.
"You're not gay! you're just really vain!"
gotta see it
20 of 46 | Posted by leah3g | Posted on August 4, 2005 3:12 PM
Gawker's expose' of Lo's photo album turned out to be wrong, and they retracted it. An An MTV insider told Gawker the cast does in fact use their real names, and that the photo album is fake - it doesn't belong to Lo - they claim it's photoshopped, but a lot of work went into that thing - maybe some close friend posted it as a prank. Gawker also got bitch-slapped by "Reality Blurred" (see TVGasm post re same) for reporting "breaking" news that was about a year old re the filming of the show, etc.
21 of 46 | Posted by Ozone Dude | Posted on August 4, 2005 3:32 PM
I love Laguna Beach...it's one of those guilty pleasures I have. I know for the 30 min (20 min. w/ commercials) it'll give me a good laugh & it's something for me & my co-workers to gab about the next day at work. I'm loving "Blow Out" on Bravo too that show is so hilarious I sometimes almost pee my pants,lol. Thanks for the recab of L.B too funny made my day ten times better
22 of 46 | Posted by Hes1223 | Posted on August 4, 2005 3:48 PM
wow, i seriously feel that much dumber for even attempting to read ur summary of the show.
how can people watch this extreme crap
23 of 46 | Posted by jess | Posted on August 4, 2005 3:58 PM
What? Lo's photo album was fake? The drunken pics almost looked too mundane to be photoshopped. The last time I was this disappointed was when I found out that Michael Jackson doesn't really own the Elephant Man's bones. Keep up the recaps AND pictures!!
24 of 46 | Posted by Kimberly | Posted on August 4, 2005 5:31 PM
This show is tite and if you think its gay Forget you And you know you wish you could be like us Well anyways Lauren (LC) and I were looking up stuff about our show and I guess some of you guys like it and Some of you dont well if you think this show is retarted you know you wish you could be like us and do you think you could make a better one then us? I bet you couldnt and this show is not fake so Lay off well got to go Im taking her out to eat AND YES THIS IS THE REAL ME later guys.
25 of 46 | Posted by Steven Off Laguna Beach | Posted on August 5, 2005 1:26 AM
Hey "Steven Off Laguna Beach". Um, you spelled your name wrong.
FYI - it's "Stephen".
26 of 46 | Posted by B-Side | Posted on August 5, 2005 2:15 AM
It's not the two Alex's that look alike. One Alex (Kristen's friend) sort of looks like one Morgan (the one who had the poker party) and the other Alex (Jason's new interest) looks like Morgan from last season (was she the one who went away to college?). It's very confusing. And then there is a girl named Taylor. And a girl named Casey. Does every girl have a unisex/boy's name? At least we have L.C. and Lo...okay, maybe that's no better.
27 of 46 | Posted by suebee | Posted on August 5, 2005 6:24 AM
Hey Hess1223 - OMG I love Blowout too! I thought I was the only one. Jonathan is so funny and doesn't even realize it. My sister and I got so excited when we saw his product at Sephora... we're goofballs. Back to Laguna; Stephen is sofa king hot!
28 of 46 | Posted by couchpotato | Posted on August 5, 2005 1:09 PM
HAHA I just checked out Lo's photos. Man, that guy shes with in all the pictures is scarrrry! Ease up on that black eyeliner...
Supposedly she doesnt know how someone got her pictures and she's not the one who wrote all the comments on each one.
29 of 46 | Posted by ali | Posted on August 5, 2005 2:46 PM
those are def real photos....what is up with the ones of kristin and lc hugging??
30 of 46 | Posted by mary | Posted on August 5, 2005 6:39 PM
OMG i love ur show, it awsome I hope Stephen get hook up with lc. Kristen Back off bitch. I LOVE U LC AND LO GO GURLS. from Ur Gurl PAOLA
31 of 46 | Posted by Paola | Posted on August 6, 2005 1:12 PM
uugh..i can't stand LC! she is and has always been SO hung up on stephen, even when he dated kristin (btw, i thought it was kind of sweet when he cried to kristen at lo's party--or someone else, i don't remember)! she needs sto finde herself a new man..stephen's not THAT good looking anyways!
32 of 46 | Posted by somebody | Posted on August 6, 2005 4:22 PM
Um, anybody see the premiere when Jason took Jessica out to dinner...where we didn't really see any conversation other than him COMMANDING her not to put her hair up. HOW CONTROLLING...yeah he doesn't beat her...and shame on her for doing exactly what he says...
ps. loved the eyefu*king...no better phrase to describe it!
33 of 46 | Posted by Shelley | Posted on August 6, 2005 7:38 PM
ps...yeah still too soon for the terry shivo thing...for me anyway...i don't think that will ever be funny
34 of 46 | Posted by Shelley | Posted on August 6, 2005 7:38 PM
great commentary. honestly, i don't know what's sadder, the fact that we all watch this show, or that we all feel the need to discuss it so on depth. carry on...
35 of 46 | Posted by Missy | Posted on August 6, 2005 9:01 PM
Jason is the hottest guy i've ever seen! I love this show... because of him... don't get me wrong, the rest of the cast is wicked awesome too!
36 of 46 | Posted by Tara Jo | Posted on August 7, 2005 9:34 PM
BTW... we need to see more pictures of Jason!
37 of 46 | Posted by Tara Jo | Posted on August 7, 2005 9:37 PM
This is the funniest thing that i have ever read in my whole life keep it up!!!
38 of 46 | Posted by funny as hell | Posted on August 9, 2005 8:36 AM
Alright I'm confused, why did they take separate cars?
39 of 46 | Posted by ali | Posted on August 12, 2005 7:15 AM
Hey "Steven", were you drunk when you wrote that? Are the cameras with them 24/7 like Real World"? I wonder if they do drugs. I feel like you would have to to live there and interact with those people.
Great recap! I can't wait to read the next episode's commentary.
40 of 46 | Posted by maggi | Posted on August 12, 2005 2:29 PM
LMFAO that was a very funny summary of the episode! I love that Taylor is famous for surviving the 3 inch tsunami! hahaha HALARIOUS. Jessica is so gay! f*cking break up with Jason...duh loser! I actually give Jason props for being able to do what he does without getting caught...then again, thats just because he has an IDIOT girlfriend.
41 of 46 | Posted by Jordan | Posted on August 13, 2005 5:48 PM
i love how you make fun of kristin and her voice i agree with you.. this has to be one of the funniest things i have ever read in a long time
42 of 46 | Posted by shelby | Posted on August 16, 2005 4:52 PM
why is kristin a "blockhead?" is it because her face is big and square? just wondering.
43 of 46 | Posted by vanessa | Posted on August 18, 2005 4:07 PM
Hey the photos that you had compared with other photos of people and the ones from laguna beach(casey)that was kind of funny I thought that it was sad when that lady died though she was a nice lady.
I dont understand why Kristen hates Casey I mean she is a Nice girl.
Kristen always says in Season 2 that she has matured and moved on with her life well she has to still make a scene when she goes where stephen goes and gets a txt message from anybody she always had to go crazy and yell out what it had to say when stephen wasnt looking!!
Also who doesnt like stephen
44 of 46 | Posted by Mariangle | Posted on August 20, 2005 12:48 PM
Casey totally is Miss Howard Stern, Andrea!! lol.
this recap is so effing funny. omg.
lmao
45 of 46 | Posted by lagunaaaa | Posted on August 20, 2005 6:31 PM
Boy, TVgasm pegged everything to a 't.' These teens are so vapid and bitchy that they epitomize everything the Europeans hate about the US. Plus, Kristen is the meanest, self-absorbed BIATCH ever to hit planet earth. Someone needs to administer an open-handed smack across the mouths of the entire cast.
46 of 46 | Posted by JRE | Posted on August 22, 2005 10:03 PM