Yes, at long last, we finally returned to the coastal community of Laguna Beach where bitchy girls are as bountiful as seashells. Gone were many of our familiar friends and faces -- Kristin, LC, Stephen, Talan, Jason. In their place was a whole new set of photogenic members of the nouveau riche like Tessa (our narrator) and Kyndra and Cameron and Cami. More so than ever, the kids seemed to have specific roles, with Tessa being our clear protagonist and Kyndra (pronounced Kendra, but spelled like IDIOT) our obvious villain. I don't know how I feel about this. In some ways, the show has lost its ambiguous, lazy milieu, but on the flipside, it's already about ten times more engaging with its instant war of the cliques. And just in case we were feeling a bit lonesome without our old favorite cast members, the always annoyingly pathetic Jessica has taken over the role of LC as the girl who should have moved on but instead is still poking around the high school, catching any strays that come her direction. Sounds like the makings of another solid season!

The big premiere started with not waves or sunshine, but rather the perky, vacant visage of Vanessa Mannillo. The MTV VJ welcomed us to this very special episode and asked us if we too were as excited as she. Oh yes, Vanessa. Excited indeed. Now get the hell off my TV! I want frisky teenagers, dammit!

Soon we dove into the show via a lengthy, expository introduction, courtesy of Tessa, who seemed to be in desperate need of a strong decongestant. Somebody lend her some Flonase. Or at least a Kleenex. Anyway, she told us that she'd just finished her junior year, and guess what? It was nonstop drama! "You know how high school is!" she told us banally. And how, Tessa. And how. She then introduced us to her best friend, Naomi Judd. Oh wait, it was actually a girl named Raquel, but FYI, "some people call her Rocky!" Like OMG!! THEY DO?? What a clever nickname! But FYI, I might call her Rocks. Or Roxy. Or Weathered-Mature-Face.

Then it was time to meet some of the boys. There was Chase, who was kind of like Laguna's very own version of Adam Levine with some of J-Wahl's leftover facial hair. He was a rocker, and I already was forming a battle of the bands with him and Talan. Surely no one could top Talan's mesmerizing performance at the landslide benefit last year. One word: Magical.

Speaking of Talan, we then met the similarly named Kelan who just happened to be in Chase's band too. Tessa described him as "Part jock, part musician, and total hottie." But wait! If it was hotties you wanted, then hold onto your britches, ladies. Meet the heartthrob of season three: Cameron! "THAT'S Cameron!" Tessa said when he came on screen. "He got really hot this year!" Seriously, last year, he looked like this:

Well, as is the prerequisite with all the Laguna dreamboats, Cameron also turned out to be a player, and even worse, he was hooking up with Jessica. "Yes, THAT Jessica!" Tessa said. The Jessica in question, in case you're wondering, was the annoying, whiney, occasionally psycho shrew from last season who spent half the time complaining about Jason and the other half stalking him. It's good to see she's moved onto another guy who likes to sleep around. More grist for her awful, awful mill.

"As you can see, by holding this guitar, I become dreamy."