OMG!!! Jassica No More??

jason_angryWe've had to deal with a lot of high-profile celebrity breakups, but few have been as rough as the heart-wrenching demise of Laguna Beach's very own Jason and Jessica, also known as Jassica (or Jesson, whichever you prefer). I know what you're thinking. Are they really over and done? Is there such a thing as love at first TRL appearance anymore? If they can't make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?

Just take a deep breath, people. We'll get through this together. If we could survive Kristin and Stephen (and lord knows that was a doozy), we'll somehow, someway get through this dark chapter in Laguna town history. For the moment though, I'm going to light a tea candle vigil for our departed lovebirds in the hopes that maybe this fairy tale romance might somehow rekindle itself.

Oh, who am I kidding? I was nearly dancing on the couch this episode as Jessica finally got bitchslapped with reality and lost the boy she should have dropped several weeks ago. Serves her right for complaining instead of dumping. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning.

As usual, the show opened with Kristin regaling us with more tales of The 'Guna. "I've been hanging out with Talan," she narrated, "But he just wasn't boyfriend material." OH SNAP! The show's three seconds old and already Talan's been taken to school. That's okay. Last I heard, he spent the early part of this summer galavanting around with Lindsay Lohan. I'm sure Kristin's boyfriend assessment was the least of his concerns. As for his missing stash of coke? Well, let's just say, he hasn't seen Lindsay since. Wow, that was totally libelous, especially since I just made it up. Libel is fun!

Anyway, Roz and Kristin sat by a window and talked about how Stephen was coming to town. He apparently wanted to take Kristin out to dinner, causing Roz to coo, "You're a pimp." Kristin simply laughed back, "A P.I.M.P." Yes. Much the way Roz is a S.I.D.E.K.I.C.K. What? You never heard that 50 Cent song? It's off his rare Laguna Beach Mixtape Vol. 3. Little known fact: the "G" in G-Unit stands for 'Guna.

After we Duffed out on the opening credits, we discovered the title of this episode was the cheery "I Hate Valentine's Day." And by the way, the people who say they hate Valentine's Day actually looooove it but just don't want to admit it (usually because they don't have a date). Take THAT, Valentine's haters!

Anyway, the ever-annoying Lo returned to the show, this time toting her nervous-looking boyfriend, Patrick, who may or may not be Keanu Reeve's long lost child. The two trudged down LC's outdoor staircase (home to all sorts of unflattering angles) and then reunited with the college dropout inside the mansion. Patrick, who observed everything like a frightened hamster, loosened up a little, even going so far as to make some jokes. But of course, killjoy LC had to ruin everyone's moods by hating on Valentine's Day. Oh boo-hoo. Maybe you should be out meeting people in college instead of hanging around your parents' house, waiting for the MTV cameras to come calling? Wow, that was quite parental of me.

Elsewhere in Laguna, Stephen reunited with his sidekick Dieter who ALSO happened to be home from college. Since when did Valentine's Day warrant a college homecoming? A cynical part of me believes these kids are just hopping at any opportunity to return to the MTV cameras. I don't even want to know what stunts they'll pull for Arbor Day.

Anyway, Dieter and Stephen shared some meaningful glances, and as they muttered about their Valentines, we saw that a) Dieter has packed on his Freshman 15 quite impressively, and b) Stephen's hair is prone to afternoon puffiness. Pretty exciting stuff.

Meanwhile, Kristin was the latest loudmouth to jump on the "I Anti-Heart Valentine's Day" bandwagon. As she complained and prepared for a big night out with Stephen, Roz sat alone and dejected on a bed, wisely noting that the people who always whine about Valentine's always have plans (nice insight, Roz. Just goes to show. Years of observing Dr. Frasier Crane have really paid off!). "At least you have something to do tonight," rebuffed Roz to Kristin's latest complaint. Poor Roz. Nothing to do on Valentine's except sit around and wait for her master to call. Well, either that or catch up on her Kelsey Grammar collection (might be a Down Periscope kind of night).

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Comments (77)

Sally:

POOOOOOOOOR Jessica....

Hilarious. I live for your Laguna Beach write ups every week! Thank you for yet another gem. You rule. Jason & Cedric tickle fighting? Brilliant!

Thank you....

Lisa:

Your write-ups are great!

I'm loving Kristin more and more this season. I hate to admit this, but she seems like a really good friend.

Too funny when you said that she seemed like she was sitting on the porch!

Fred:

I have to confess.. i think i've checked the site like 200 times for the writeup. I am just as addicted to your mockery as i am the show...

jason:

I don't get this show and haven't really watched it. Is it real or fake?

lia:

while i hate all the laguna kids, i really hate alex the most especially since that bitch and jason are a couple in the next episode!! what a trifling ho!

Wes:

My Tivo cut off the last five minutes so I didn't get to see everything. I laughed when you said that Roz fooled Jessica for the second time, and I was more than a little disappointed to find out that it didn't happen. It was quite weird how fast Kristin came back to save the day. I was thinking she just drove around the block for five minutes, but the porch thing makes more sense.

Oh yeah, her "call phone ringtone" was annoying? You should probably fix that.

kfwill:

Fred, me too. All day at work. I'm so glad it's finally here. Hilarious!

Sam:

I totally loved how Jessica tried to save face after being dumped by Jason.

If I remember correctly, Jessica said something like:�That’s why I was trying to get him over here. I was going to do it (break up with him) myself. It’s not like I wanted to cuddle with him�

Sure you were Jessica. Sure you were…

Jade:

Jessica is a total ass.. Jason isn't even that hott. & that lobster is calling my name right now.

And Danny thought he had a crummy Valentine's Day!

mellymel:

I can't believe there was not a comment on how their relationship was only 2 month long. Also on jessica's comment about this year she has a real boyfriend that she likes. Meanwhile she dated Dieter for a whole year. I kinda want to get the 1st season DVD just to watch Jessica...

Caroline:

LC is so LAME. i cant wait for talan to spill it that stephen chose kristin over her on valentines day.

Jimmy:

I have been waiting since the end of this weeks episode to read this recap. KUDOS!!! Although, I love the show it gives me even more reason to watch it.

Roz has got to be the funniest person on the show we should start a petition to get her ass on the opening credits and get her name changed to Roz (Kristen's Trusty Sidekick) when they introduce her each episode. Great site thanks for the laughs!!

Jen:

I'm so glad I wasn't the only one checking every five minutes for the write up! - Reading these makes being at work bearable.

And eventhough Jessica is super annoying, I still feel bad for her , especially since Jason is with that slut Alex now! - God, she is such a slut!!!

shelby:

I am happy I am not the only one who checks here every five minutes for these things because I think they're hilarious. I also love that comment where someone said, "And Danny thought he had a bad Valenine's Day."

Nichele:

I am in tears from laughing so damn hard. I love it when you talk about the "tickle fight" jason just had with Ced...

myfeethurt:

You know what I was thinking about? When the trio went to Dave and Buster's (or whatever it was called) Kristin totally had her extensions in. Which means that it was after the Winter Formal. Which means that Alex probably did ask Jason to the dance right before he and Jessica started dating. The editing in this show seriously BLOWS.

But, on a happier note, I think Jessica is going to go totally nuts now, which will be totally awesome.

By the way, has anyone else noticed Steven's mullet? I mean, seriously, cut that thing. Plus, he's like, totally ugly.

myfeethurt:

Oh, and by the way, I prefer jASSica to Jesson....

And honestly, I can copy edit!! :)

Allyx:

HEY! please look, you're right about Cedric being gay... hahah...

http://theblackflamingo.com/new/graphics/fashionshow/MTV_fashion4.jpg

poe:

LC seemed to get the better bouquet of flowers even if Kristen had that huge lobster...

Can't wait to see Jessica go ballistic over Jason and Alex...(and i had the same thought about Kristin waiting outside for him to leave!)

Robyn:

Very funny this week. I loved "Cedric and Jason spend a romatic dinner together at Wahoo's Fish Tacos"

Jessica is gonna go apesh!t when Jason starts dating Alex. Sloppy seconds, Alex. What a slut!

Kat:

I love the site!
I feel super bad for Jessica but what idiot acts like that on TV? I too am beginning to like Kristen after her Jessica rescue. No one in my high school looked like these people, we were all in plaid shirts and braided belts. Alex and Jason are great.
LC is way depressing, WTF? Stephen and her HAVE to get together. He is so dreamy - eww I feel like a molester. Talan is looking finer everyday. Roz is my absolute favorite and I think she should be on the opening credits as well. Does anyone watch the MTV overdrive episodes? Any interesting stuff? Does the DVD include any new scenes or interviews?

bex:

Did anyone notice that Kristen seemed to be fighting back laughter when she came back to "console" Jessica? And she immediately managed to bring attention back to herself by comparing the Jassica break up to her & Stee-VAN. That's friendship. Laguna rocks.

gangsta:

great recap! are these kids awkward b/c of the cameras, or are they true dorks?? pretty on the outside...dorky in the middle.

suebee:

Did anyone think that Jason was too cool to date a girl like Jessica. She seems like sort of a nerdy little girl. She's cute and all, but I am not really sure what Jason saw in her.

gangsta:

he saw big boobs. she's a hottie. she seems like she tries too hard to be like the other girls.... classsic case of super-insecurity coupled with no self-esteem.

joslyn:

I really hate Stephen now, after he came into town, didn't tell anyone, took Kristin out, and then did a drive-by at LC's. Can't wait till LC finds out next week, maybe she will snap out of it and get over Stevo, even though I do like them together. And yeah, I'm starting to see Kristin in a new light -she's not just a bad girl, I'm seeing other sides of her now and she is pretty cool. Roz should get her own show, why should Frazier have all the fun with a spinoff?

Yeah, I like Roz too. She definitely should be in the opening credits.

And by the way, even though her real name is Alex H., how much of a "Roz" is she?

Such a roz

couchpotato:

Hilarious post gansta! B-side you're brilliant as usual. I absolutely loved the little prank Roz played on Jessica, and to say she did it out of boredom - great stuff! I'm starting to want to see Stephen and Kristin back together. He's so smitten with her, I think it's adorable when they're on good (flirty) terms. LC is so cute, there's no reason to sit around pining away for some guy who considers you and after-thought. Cannot wait for next week's ep.

Emily:

I think that LC needs to get over lame Stephen and move on. I'm glad Alex and Jason are hooking up, they have been lusting after each other. The clips on MTV over drive are them talking about what they would wear on a first date, shoe style, etc and they give tours of their bedrooms.

Emily:

Just a question for everyone- Do you like season 1 or 2 better?

I think season 2 is better, especially with the hilarious weekly recaps!! Thanks!

Cayla:

I'm excited for a Laguna Beach Arbor Day, too.

joslyn:

Emily-
Love Season 1, but Season 2 is mo' better. Plus now we all get the style and the format of the show, like we know to expect the awkward long pauses, the mumbled dialog, the sketchy editing. Because the first time I saw this show, I was like "Huh?" By the second or third episode, I was hooked. I also think this season started the drama right away, instead of the slow build-up of the last season.

lugz:

That recap was hilarious - so well written, sharp and witty. I truly enjoyed it.

I'm intrigued by all the people who think Kristin made it back to Jessica's house so quickly....um... you all DO know they edit these things , right?

It's also funny how LC and Jessica are actually SO hot, but their self esteem is so low - no wonder they have boy trouble. Kristin on the other hand is decent looking, but projects such confidence, no wonder all the guys are into her.


kittykat:

i'm glad there are other people as addicted as me..i can't help it, and i get excited for Mondays...i agree with Kristen being a good friend, i like how she came to Jessica's rescue, b/c as pathetic as she is, us girls can remember that feeling in high school, when its like the end of the world.
but who was Jessica kidding? i'm so sure you were going to break up with him..as if!!

mark:

was it just me, or did it totally look like lo's boyfriend was hitting on LC?

Nicole:

i love your laguna beach recaps. hillarious, keep up the great work!

that lobster picture made me so hungry

+ whoever posted that cedric picture, wow thats too funny. :D

Monica:

Has anyone noticed that Stephen looks like MACAULAY CULKIN? Creepy.

I am so glad they broke up...they are both idiots but I feel sorry for Jessica as annoying as she is...and its so pathetic that she said she "deserved it" when Jason apologized for being a dick to her! Can she have less self confidence?

the dude:

mtv did a great job with two close-up head shots of lo's boyfriend giving some "i really wanna do you" looks to l.c. what a douche!! haha

couchpotato:

LO's boyfriend is way too cute for her. How did she get him?... MTV cameras?

Thanks GOD people are FINALLY stopping the hate for my girl Kristin.
LC?
Get.
A.
Life.
She is living ain a fantasy about Stevie and ruining her chances of ever over-coming the fact that her sad, sad single-sided romance is playing out on national television.
I S & K to get back together so bad... they are AWESOME! together!
A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

the dude:

kristin is definitely the only one who portrays to have a positive self-image. If she wants a future in television biz...i think she has one. L.C...i hope you grow from this experience. you're smokin hot!! and LOADED $$$$ holla at your boy...we'll chill!!

the dude:

yo, b. i'm still gettin teary eyed from cryin about kristin's picture being in mid-donkey honk!! thanks for the laughs.

Emily:

Hey congrats on making on the best week ever site!

http://bestweekever.blogs.com

mellymel:

http://cgi.ebay.com/Laguna-Beach-MTV-Kristin-Cavalleri-Domain-Name_W0QQitemZ5804424047QQcategoryZ11153QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

hopefully this link works. Hurry only about 9 hrs left!!

Straight out of the Laguna Beach TV series on MTV! YOU could actually own the domain name of one of the main characters, Kristin Cavalerri! Start your own website or fan club with the exclusive ownership of this domain name, www.kristincavalerri.com

Place your best bid now before you loose this FOREVER!

lugz:

BTW -- does anyone agree with me that Talan is SO GAY??? I always thought he seemed a bit light in the loafers, and then I watched an interview with him on the MTV web site....his favorite music -- VANESSA CARLETON??? LINDSAY LOHAN???

Ok, please find me one straight guy in the world who would list those...

kelly:

lugz--talan may or may not be gay, but didn't he DATE lindsay lohan? maybe that's why he likes her music??? what is it with people on this site? everyone is so narrow-minded and homophobic.

gidget:

I love the fact that Stephen is a total player. All this time, we've thought, "Poor Stephen. He's got these two girls fighting over him." Though he obviously loves it ... I don't think anybody was prepared to see the big playa in motion. Taking the Donkey Mouth out on Val's Day and then turning around and hitting up EL C with flowers and candy, just in case he needed to take advantage of that Friends with Benefits membership.
He's the P.I.M.P.
Go Stephen, the Mullet Stud!!!

Kristins Real Last name:

I HOPE NOBODY BUYS THAT SCAM WEB DOMAIN. The real domain name that's for sale is a misspelling of Kristin's last name. IT's worthless.

ali:

I know. I don't even know how to spell her last name correctly but it doesnt look like the way it would be spelled...whoever would want that is a loser anyway,

TinkebellAPixie:

Looking at the title of this recap it just dawned on me....next week when Jason and Alex hook up we will have Jasex on our hands. That sounds like something you might take for intestinal discomfort.

Lexi:

I LOVE LAGUNA BEACH! Its the best show ever! But yeah, I think that Stephen and Kristen are cute together and all but I like Stephen being with LC better. Kristen and Talan should actually go out! And I think that Alex and Taylor are stupid. Alex says on them little interviews on the internet that she gets pissed off when other girls steal other girls boyfriends but then what the hell did she do to Jessica. Jessica and Jason were SO cute together besides he was a JERK to her and that wasen't right! He knows he is REALLY hot and can get practally any girl so he takes advantage of that. He is a jerk but hot! And Taylor is ok, A LOT better than Alex. And Casey is ok too but I don't really know her!

?????:

lexi, what grade are you in? and what are you talking about???

Daisy:

I have always felt that Kristen was an annoying, stuck up little brat. And as much as I hate to admit it, after watching this week's episode, I think she would be a really good friend. Contrary to a previous post that is up on this page, I don't think she found Jessica's breakup funny at all. She was there for her friend, just as most girls are when someone close to them is going through a breakup. I guess she finally wins a friendship point this week

Ellie:

I have to agree that Kristen has grown on me immensely since the beginning of the season. Perhaps my growing fondness for her is just emerging out of the juxtaposition of her with whiny, pathetic, trannie-in-training Jessica (who, I might add, should just jump off a cliff and call it a day) but then her genuine empathy for Jessica after her breakup with Jason and her keen insight into the fact that taylor just like's talan b/c he gives her so much attention scored her major points in my book. She just needs a solid speech therapist and she'll be $$.

Holly:

Well someone suggested the Laguna recaps, and I'm not disappointed. Very entertaining. However, my only comment on Laguna in general is this:

LC is annoying. She's never honest about her real feelings, and doesn't say what she wants--so stop sobbin over her people. She gets what she deserves. I can't stand that kinda crap...

'guna watcher, i hate 'the o.c.':

get ready for tomorrow night's episode: "Alson"!

was it just me, or was LC literally hyper-freaking-ventillating when steven came w/ flowers and she was hugging him! how desparate can you be LC? JEEZ!

and when jessica told jason she 'deserved it' when he apologized for treating her like shit?!? WTF? she is so stupid! jessica is annoying and I agree about the ringtone!

AND she had her cell phone on 'Vibe & High'

only someone annoying as her would have that on their phone..

oh, and the tickling session w/ jason & ced - hilARious!!

kymmy:

who is roz by the way?

curlyqemt:

I think that Jason is a real JERK! What a lead on. And yeah for Jessica, now she can find someone who can really appreciate her! As for Stephen, make up your mind! Good Greif! I think that LC should move on as well, I mean get a job or something, what do these kids do? Just sit at home all day and spend their parents money? How laim!

whatsupwthat?:

What's up w/Talan's lips? Somebody PLEASE buy that boy some CHAPSTICK! He's grossing me out w/those crusty lips!!!

Emily:

Kymmy-

Roz is Alex H-Kristen's sidekick. If you look back at some previous recaps, you will see her being compared to Roz from Frazier. Hope that helps!

Kady:

Does anyone know what song they played as stephen was going to pick up kristen to go out to dinner, and while jessica was getting ready for jason to come over? some of the lyrics were "well im caught in between of what you wished for and what you need"

Bren:

I Must Add This Time We Got To See Jessicas Not So Expensive House ... And The Preview For Next Week ... Talan Telling LC That Stephen Went Out With Kristin On Valentines Day ... Her Face Just Priceless ... Cant Wait Until Next Write Up ...

ali:

I don't recall Kristin having her extensions in during their "dave and buster's rendesvous"...they have shown clips of her with them in before so maybe thats what you remember.

Ugh...I used to like LC but she just needs to get the picture...Stephen. Doesnt. Like. You. LIke. That. period. MOVE ON! (well maybe she did already hopefully). Its just sad

Sadie:

I thought I was the only one who remembered that Jessica was in Season 1 and was dating Dieter (who also treated her like shit and she also complained about him too but much less). She is so stupid but then again staying with that asshole probably did warrant you deserving asshole treatment. Anyone else hear that LC and Jason are together ?
http://img373.imageshack.us/img373/9324/214745030l9em.jpg
Doesn't prove much but apparently its on gawker.com too.

suebee:

I looked at the photo posted by Sadie. Aren't those camera phones ridiculous?

Sadie:

Yeah it is ridiculous! These people aren't famous for anything at all. Goes to show you that once you get on MTv you can milk it for all it's worth because somewhere out there, there is a teeny bopper waiting to praise you. About the picture, There are other reports on various websites saying they are dating, some saying they were making out at the MTv awards and what not. The picture doesn't prove much of anything except that they hang out together.

ali:

Yea that photo is pathetic. Yes, the show is entertaining...but they are not stars. I can't believe that people would whip out their cell phones like that. In NYC I see famous people once a week and im not going to be a freak and take out the camera phone.

Emily:

Did anyone else notice in that picture that LC has a ring on her ring finger of her left hand???? Wonder if it means anything.

I do remember Jessica from season 1, although I don't remember Dieter treating her like crap.

Rachel:

I think L.C. has fallen for a really good friend and honestly some of us have done that. She is stuck on him but do you blame her he leads her on!I hope in the end Stephen realizes how much of a slut Kristen really is and just leaves her alone. Feeling sorry for Jessica I am not she is stupid she has her friends to help her let go and be a bitch to him but she wants to look stupid on T.V. I think Kristen and Jason should hook up since they like playing heart games! I also think Jessica and Dieter should hook back up.

Sadie:

I have a ring on my wedding finger and I'm not married yet...rings on those fingers really don't mean anything sometimes and seriously, you think Jason would marry LC over Cedric?

gunawatcher:

K-
The song in that particular scene where Steven is going to pick up Kristin is called "In the Sun" by Joseph Arthur.

ali:

I dont think that normally people wear rings on their wedding finger but I guess some people do. It's weird. I think its bc people want to pretend they are married.

Todd:

I love Lo, she's so beautiful and such a sweetheart. Why isn't she on the show anymore?

missy reed:

I love laguna beach show, I been there myself.. It seems everyone thinks these girls are bitches, i think they are normal girls who, if we all had the same amount of money, we'd be the same way. Plus, they got a t.v show. It's hott.. If I had my own show, trust me, i'd be the same way, probally more bitchey too!

supastar:

If i was jessica i would be hookin up with jason again too, he's a hottie. She just needs to know how to play the game.. If she would just diss him, he would be all over her.. Come on girls dont you know the rules yet?? Kristin knows, she should be teaching her..

almalove:

I love Laguna Beach ever since it started. Now I love it even more. LC was my favorite at first but shes so stuck on Stephen that is getting old. My favorite person is Kristin. Shes so much fun!

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