Boregasm - 
by copygodd
Up until now, Last Comic Standing has been hard to recap, but not impossible. At least I had the challenges to make fun of. But now that we're down to the final five comics, the entire hour is nothing but mediocre stand-up. And I don't know about you, but few things are less funny than reading about someone's comedy routine. Except maybe writing about said comedy routine. And then re-reading it to make sure you don't have any typos. And then rewriting it because you realize your first attempt makes Stella look like Dave Chappelle. Except with stretch marks. And not the good kind either.
Let's start the show...
Tonight we're broadcasting from the Pasadena Civic Auditorium. And what the hell is up with Anthony Clark's makeup? It's hard to tell in this picture, but he has on so much powder it makes him look like a Kabuki. A very, very sad Kabuki. If only he were as funny as a Kabuki.
Anthony tells us that tonight the comics will be giving the performances of their lives. But first...! The comics are making their way to the theater in what should be the most unforgettable ride of their lives. Unfortunately, it turns out to be one of the most unfunniest skits of their lives. (Yes, I know "most unfunniest" is grammatically incorrect. But that doesn't make it any less true.) The whole idea is to make us think the helicopter is crashing because Josh is flying it. You know, cuz he has CP. Except it's about as realistic as Jeff Probst's machete-walk through Mark Burnett's backyard the jungle.
Before the comics perform, Anthony brings them all out on stage one at a time. Josh gets the most love from the audience. Next, Anthony explains how tonight's show will work. Each comic will get to do a five minute set. At the end of five minutes, their mic will be cut, so they best make sure they don't run over. (He's talking to you, CHRIS PORTER!) Then, you get to vote for your favorite comic. The comic with the least amount of votes will be eliminated. All in all, it's pretty straightforward... Hey, wait a minute. Did he just say each comic will do a five minute set? Let's see, five comics times five minutes, carry the 12, divide by one, that's just 25 minutes! What the hell's going to happen the other 35 minutes? Not more helicopter humor. Please God, anything but that...
It's hard out here for a crip.
First to perform tonight is Roz. Or, as Anthony calls her, "the Harlem Globetrotters' starting five and my baby's mama." Eh, I guess she's better than helicopter humor. Lord knows she's louder. And what the hell happened to her face? Did I miss her episode of Extreme Makeover: Comic Edition? If I did, thank Husband! Between Roz's screaming and Ty's incessant bullhorn abuse, an episode like that would make me want to adopt a Chinese baby off the Internets just so I could kick it to death.
I keed, I keed...
Roz starts off by saying she doesn't have jokes, she has problems. Actually, she starts off by yelling that she doesn't have jokes, she has problems. Then she tells a joke about the problems she has using an airplane restroom. For some reason, the censors bleep the word "ass" when she says she couldn't wipe her ass, but let it through when she says she couldn't reach her ass. Who's running the bleep button tonight, Pig Vomit?
Roz is upset that fat men find her attractive. She likes skinny men who smoke weed. That way when he gets the munchies they're on the same page. She's also afraid to date white men, because they're all serial killers who'll bury you someplace where nobody will ever find you. At least that's what I think she said. Even when it's Roz screaming, it's still kind of hard to hear when you're digging a hole in your basement floor.
Roz finds thongs to be a bit uncomfortable. I bet they're not as uncomfortable as having to listen to Roz tell a story about her thong, though. Roz also gets the award for "Most Awkward Segue" of the night, going from a bit about thong-creep to a story about avoiding bill collectors to a line about job interviews. She should really check out Doug Benson's act sometime. That guy knows how to segue.
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