We meet our first of the Lamas at a newsstand, and it's Lorenzo's super blonde daughter Shayne. She's there for her morning ritual of the Financial Times and an espresso. Or a pre-scheduled gander at a tabloid magazine article about the Lamaii that ever so coincidentally manages to have come out on the exact first day of shooting! Crazy how this stuff works out.

So, the reason for the magazine article, which in another "coincidence" also happened to be the reason I wanted to write about this nonsense in the first place (besides Lorenzo and his leather vest), is that Lorenzo's son AJ allegedly had sex with Lorenzo's ex-wife! While she was still his wife? Less than a minute in and we've got incestuous scandal. This show is already bordering on genius.

And....Emmy.

Our heroine Shayne spends about ten seconds fretting over the effect of the article on her family, and then notices that she's in the article too. "How cute are those shoes?" she squeals, family crisis be dammed. Normally, I'd support this change in conversational direction, but it looks like Shayne's taste in shoes lean more toward the clear, Lucite stripper shoes from the outlet stores and I'm just not feeling that. Well, not in public, at least.

And that leads us into the intro. First we get acquainted with Shanye. We see her tripping and falling on her face about five times. Then we see her on The Bachelor (Honey G, we have a crossover recap!), and then we find out that's she's happy that one didn't last. Well, of course. Everyone knows there's a much bigger market for Z-list Hollywood family fake reality than Bachelor fake reality. As long as E!'s still in business, anyway.

Oh, and now Shayne's a " Hollywood actress", which she takes very, very seriously. Hence the reality show. She also informs us she's " Hollywood royalty". Ummm...no. Just because your family set up shop in the city two generations ago doesn't make you fucking royalty, okay? I'd go with Hollywood cockroach. Further proven by a glimpse of Lorenzo's latest work, where he valiantly fights a killer octopus in some very un-seaworthy leather and the porn mustache. Royalty indeed, and this coming from someone who most closely resembles a fan.

Which one did Lorenzo play?

Although, we do find out that Lorenzo's Mom (Shayne's Grandma) was married six times, which is an impressive bit of Hollywood street cred. And Lorenzo's not too far behind with four wives! We meet one of them, Shayne's Mom - Michelle Smith. All I can say about Mom is she's had a lot of plastic surgery. A scary amount of a lot. Then we meet the tagalong siblings, Incestuous AJ and little Dakota.

Is it too late for social services to come take Shayne away?

Intros out of the way, we catch back up with Shayne on her way down some stairs, and homegirl needs to get it in her contract that she must never be filmed from this angle again. Her thighs are enormous. Actually, this is something I can already tell you that I like about Shayne, she's no waif. Which of course I applaud by making fun of her thighs, which makes me officially an asshole. Cause believe me, anyone who stuck a camera under me while I was walking down stairs would be the unfortunate recipient of a stray shoe that would be mysteriously flung off my foot and lodged in their larynx. But enough about me because Shayne's on her way to meet Lorenzo and talk to him about the tabloid. Our first Lorenzo scene! I can barely contain myself.

But before we get the man candy, we get a little background in the car ride over. The ex-wife in question is the very classy Shauna Sand. No idea? Get educated (and fascinated - seriously, it's can't miss trashy) here . Shayne and her pals make fun of Shauna's makeup a little bit, and then it's time for Lorenzo!

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Posted in Leave it to Lamas by ChickBomb at 5:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Last Comment: plockeness monster on Oct 22, 2009 02:40 PM.