TVgasm Recaps

Little Miss Perfect is a new reality show about children's beauty pageants. I know, I know I hear the groans. But really Gasmii, we can't only write about well behaved mature men like those on "Confessions of a Teen Idol" we need to explore the outer limits of the human psyche. The outer limits includes all pageant Moms and Dads.

Do these folks have boundaries? What are they?

Can kiddie face lifts and breast augmentation be far behind?

It's scary out there in pageant world, but we are all in this together. Get your favorite vice (alcohol, tobacco, chocolate, herbal, etc) and get ready to venture into the world of kiddie beauty pageants.

Pageant mentors are as important to pageants as big red noses are to clowns. You just have to have one. And this pageant has a big one and he knows who he is.

This week we are treated to more of Michael Galanes' words of wisdom. He is a self-proclaimed Queen of the Whole World and a pageant mentor. He believes that his vision and talent can turn any little dirty faced kid into a pageant winner.

With his vision and the hard work of the child and parents, he can turn any little child into a pageant champion.

But perhaps nothing is more telling of Michael's talent than his words of wisdom which go down like shots of tequila at a bachelor party. Just listen and brace yourself for this week's words of wisdom.

"I can lead a girl to the crown, but I can't make them wear it."

Doesn't it just give you shivers? What a mentor, what a genius, what a guy.

Gasmii, it's time to settle in with a good stiff drink, or light up your smoking materials and grab a candy bar or pop a valium, it's time to watch the master at work.

It's a pageant, it's entertainment and it's a college education. At least that's the thinking of one pageant Mom. Can pageants really provide a good size nest egg for your darling daughter's future? Or is it more economical to put the money in a bank and watch it earn interest, or maybe just set fire to it and watch it burn?

And in a shocking twist of events, we are once again accosted by something we thought we left behind on Episode1. That's right, we are confronted once more by unrestrained middle aged breasts.

It's time Gasmii, pour a strong one, grab a beer or light up your smoking materials and grab a Milky Way. It's time to take another magic carpet ride to kiddie pageant land. Oh good, here comes our steward now. Better get your tray in the upright position.

Well Gasmii, here we are at Episode 4 of Little Miss Perfect and we've got a whole new ball game. I've always believed that the reason women put their children into beauty pageants is because they really want to be in the pageant themselves.

This week, we can test that theory because this week it is "The Perfect Wife and Little Miss Perfect Pageant". Moms and their daughters in the same pageant. The women will compete with their daughters as a team. So it's Mom and Daughter vs. other Moms and Daughters. What will the teams do for "Wow Wear"? More importantly, will Michael sing that creepy "Little Miss Perfect" song? If so, will one of the Moms decide to take Michael's offer and hop on his magic carpet and take a wild ride and will we have to watch?

It's bound to be a wild ride my little Gasmii. Can you imagine how embarrassed you would be as a kid to play dress-up WITH your Mom, in front of people? And then God forbid, Mom wants to do "Wow Wear"? What if your Mom dances? Or tries to act cool? Remember how you wanted to die when your Mom danced in front of your friends? And all of this on TV. Just the thought could send some kids into a meltdown temper tantrum the likes of which I've never seen. There is bound to be some kind of knockdown dragout fight or at least an accident (hint,hint).

Welcome my dear Gasmii to Episode 5 of the Little Miss Perfect Show. This show is so exciting. Just a few days ago, Chelsey Handler mentioned that she thinks our very own Michael Galanes has the goods to replace Ryan on American Idol!!! No kidding and we thought he was just the Queen of the World.

Don't worry Ryan, Michael's not likely to jump off this little ship of gold anytime soon. Speaking of ships, this week's episode is named "The Love Boat". So without further delay, put on your sailor hat, pop the top on your beer, or mix up one of those fancy drinks with an umbrella in it like Isaac would do or light 'em up and smoke em if you have them. It's time to enjoy our weekly journey to the dark side, this time in North Carolina.

Dear Gasmii,

This is our final week with our little darlings and the Little Miss Perfect pageant. It has been a wild and wacky adventure as we've watched Moms and their daughters dress themselves up and parade around the stage of various hotel conference rooms. I'll miss our weekly visits, but like any good thing, it must come to an end.

There is a little controversy connected to Michael Galanes and I've included that in this recap and there is also sort of a non-surprise in the pageant itself. You'll see, it will just make you scratch your head, nothing too earth shaking.

So grab a beer, mix a drink, light em up and smoke 'em if you got em'. It's time to join me on our final journey into the pageant zone. Please make sure your trays are in the upright and locked position, fasten your safety belts and away we go!!

As they say in the movie, "There's nothing dirty going on."

Hey Gasmii, we're back with another season of Little Miss Perfect. This pageant features a very special component called "Wow Wear". More on that later, but just remember, this TV show is responsible for spreading the "Wow Wear Concept" across the entire globe. Wow Wear is going for Global Domination!!!