Great recap, especially the bits about Her Perfect Majesty Michael! This show always leaves me feeling kind of dirty, especially when the judges always seem to be creepy men and badly aging beauty queens (Seriously? Miss South Africa USA? WTF? Does the USA have its own Miss World Pageant, sort of like the World Series in baseball or something?)

I loved Jayne, our little princess on a butterfly wheel -- so cute, so bright! Brighter than her mother as she spotted Michael's BS from a mile away and out ear muffs on.

Smart girl! I mean, this guy is the pageant organizer, so I find the fact that he gives advice to win his own pageant a little suspect.

Michael. Ugh. I wonder how much he charged Irina? And does he charge by the mince? Because, I don't know how other people feel, but I feel weird watching a fully grown man prance around a virtual stranger's house subjecting them to a porno-riffic version of Yankee Doodle Dandy. Complete with a sashay, butt thrust out, hands on hip, move with the word "Macaroni" ejaculated out in particularly dirty way.

Oh honey. Leave the sashays to the drag queens. Ru Paul would kick your sorry bitch ass if it wasn't so beneath her and might make her chip a nail.

I just don't get Wow Wear. And I'm happy about that, really. Watching a 9-year-old girl dressed as Marilyn singing "Happy Birthday, Mr President" to her little brother/JFK sends shudders of revulsion through me and makes me wonder: What is wrong with these parents? Yankee Doodle Dandy sounded fairly sane compared to that train wreck from a few weeks back.

Irina's section where she talks about "The Evolution of Jayne's Dresses" was awesome. It actually made the evening wear dresses make some sense. Dresses evolve! Only, instead of gaining cells and vertebra, dresses gain sequins and taffeta flounces.

So, Abigail's dress is a lowly single-celled organism just arising from the sludge of creation; Jayne's dress a cotton candy pink sponge, not complex, but multi-cellular. The next step on the evolutionary ladder would be the blue dress of Nameless Background Girl Who Loses, which appears to have scales, sequins and spangles. Practically a reptile! The final step would be Katelyn's dress, a full blown extraterrestrial, biology unknown, but capable of sustaining life of it's own (the butterfly appliques look embarrassed enough by the spectacle to fly off her shoulder) and molting as needed. Evolution rocks.

Ugh. I put too much thought into this. I really enjoyed your recap!

Annie- I'm not finished with your recap yet, but had to comment on Queen Michael...AKA Corky St. Claire!!!! Honestly, his visit to Jayne's house was like a scene right out of Waiting for Guffman. And turn, and strut and hip and "MACARONI".

OK - back to reading. Loving it.
shanti

Jennaboa: I was on the phone when I was reading your comment,and I started laughing so hard that the person I was talking to thought I was crying~~
I also thought it was strange that the pagent director would give advice to the contestants.
I got a severe case of 'the creeps' when Michael said MACARONNI. It was like some old pervert who hadnt been able to cum for years and he was finally able to blow a load.
Jayne was soooo cute and so dramatic! Hell, I would have refused to be some damn chimney sweep also! WTF?? I have a 3 yr old and a 14 yr old, and I cant tell them 'No' either. It is hard to say NO when they are so cute!!
Believe me, I am now paying the price with the 14 yr old. Anyway, enought about me.....Katelyn was a natural beauty until that beauty was covered up with glitter, tons of makeup including hideious blue eyeshadow and horrible clothes. Rob,the dad, looked like an idiot with his 'super-cool' shades on and his spikey hair~ Real Ladies Man that Rob is.
Katelyn's reaction to the dyed jacket was priceless. I wouldnt have worn that piece of shit either. and neither would Jayne.
Who was the lady helping Jayne and Irna? She was only I.D'd as a 'Pagent Aunt", and I am confused by this. I mean, an aunt is an aunt, but WTF is a pagent aunt?? We may never know.
I also loved Abagail's dress and her look. Amazing how the judges didnt like Katelyn, but she won anyway. If I was Abigail, I would have cried also.
The judge with the dog who does costume changes.....cant wait til that little dog takes a piss and shit all over the judges. Little Dog looks like he is just begging someone to put him to sleep.

Cant wait to read the re-cap about Shelby, her Trailer-Park mom, and Leo the 6ft snake. Was that snake really 6Ft?? He sure didnt look it.

Abigail is so, so pretty! She should have won. I felt so sorry for her when she came in second and was trying to hold back her little tears.

Loved your comments, Jennaboa.

I think this pageant was fixed. I mean, doesn't Michael "add up" the scores? He couldn't let that "drab" little Abigail win, or Jayne with her "boring" routine!

fatgirlsrule, I think everyone connected to a pageant in any way is described with the adjective "pageant." For instance, "pageant mom," "pageant friend," "pageant dad," "pageant CPA," and on and on. I think that explains the aunt.

I love little Jayne but I fear that Irina should be saving her money for a nose job. Jayne will be wanting one in a few years.

Dear Annie,

I loved reading this recap. I get a really clear sense of your outrage and indignation at the kiddie pageant world. I love your dry sense of humor, and I really appreciate getting to "know" you through the areas where you share your thoughts, feelings, and tidbits : )

I bet you're an awesome mom.
Hugs,
Yenta

Great recap! This is the episode that made me fall in love with this show and set my DVR to tape every episode. Irina and Jayne were hilarious and I for one had my fingers crossed that Jayne would decide to "go rogue" during the evening wear part and do a funny walk.

Michael is ridiculous and creepy and I love that his other big idea for the nonsensical chimney sweep routine was to have Jayne throw some macaroni on the (freshly swept) stage. What a weirdo.

And what would I pay to see the pageant where poor little Jayne fell off the stage...?? At the beginning Irina said she let Jayne do pageants because she liked to sing and perform, so I'm hoping she finds another outlet for her to be onstage. Maybe something a wee bit healthier and less focused on wasting money and dressing your kid up like a whore.

I found it bizarre that Abigail Evans was shaking it to "too much booty in the pants" one minute and dressed in that plain white dress the next. She definitely should have won, though.

These pageants blow my mind, for real.

"I can lead a girl to the crown, but I can't make them wear it."

This quote reminded me of Dorothy Parker's brilliant riposte, "You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think,"

only nowhere near as witty.

Fantastic recap - thanks!

@ fatgirlsrule, "I have a 3 yr old and a 14 yr old, and I cant tell them 'No' either. It is hard to say NO when they are so cute!!"

Oh, jeez - give me a fucking BREAK and get a clue!!

Permissive parenting doesn't do anyone any favours, least of all your kids, who need clear boundaries and also need how to learn to deal with life's disappointments and not always getting THEIR way.

sheesh!

To anyone contributing to a generation of brats and who wants to learn more, I strenuously suggest you read this insightful article:

it's on babble.com/content/articles/features/dispatches/Alexander/No-Doesnt-Mean-No/index.aspx

Hey Donna Martin Graduates! Give me and fatgirlsrule a break. I dont think fatgirlsrule was insinuating that she never said "no" to her children, i.e. running with scissors, watching TV until 3 am, or the like. Being a mom is the most exhausting, exhilarating, and frustrating, role EVER. Sometimes it is ok to say yes because they are so damn cute. Tonight my boys had bacon, mandrin organes and carrots for dinner. Nominate me for worst mother of the year for saying yes to that. I do agree with you that children need clear boundries and the ability to deal with failure. Yet sometimes smiling up at their mom with buck teeth, while saying please and melting their mother's heart, isnt going to create the next Ted Bundy. Brody Jenner maybe. React somewhat easier on us moms, its a tough role.
With that said, TVannie, another great post! I dont even watch this show, I just read the recap. It is that good.

Donna Martin: dont know what your problem is, but it is your problem and not mine. My children are miracles. I give them everything they want. Got a problem with that?