Just when you thought TV went to sleep until Fall, a smart, sassy tough talking role model for the common woman everywhere comes along to save the day. Yes, I'm talking about Kyra Sedgewick in The Closer. But Living Lohan is on too. Welcome!
Dang, Ali. You're aging really quickly.
I didn't realize this before seeing the opening credits of this show, but the Lohan's are a totally normal American family, you guys. They live in a two story house that looks just like all the other ones on their street,
McMiddle Class
They drive gigantic gas guzzling cars,
McSaudi Supporter
The mom has a healthy obsession with nouveau cheeze Ivana Trump (come on, who's mom didn't try this Aqua-Net enforced bee hive and giant plastic pearl earrings at least once? It was like "the Rachel" of the El Paso Country Club when I was growing up.),
McVana
They even wear Adidas!
Kids wrestling, Home Sweet Home banner hanging in the family room, dog pooping on the rug; yes, the Lohan's are a normal American family. They are the McLohan's. Just one tiny difference between them and us: THEY'RE FABULOUS AND EVERYONE WANTS TO BE JUST LIKE THEM.
McVana welcomes us to her show by letting us know a little bit about herself. "I'm a single mom with sole custody of my kids." Uh-oh. You know you're in trouble when someone you just meet opens with that line. I have never known someone to say "I'm a single mom" without it sounding like a threat. Fitting for McVana, as she warns early on that you can say what you want about her, but if you fuck with her kids she'll cut your ass. After all, a lioness protects her cubs. Otherwise they will get damaged and be less sellable. She's a powerful woman, dammit!
Her kids don't get out of line and when they do, she gets "this look" on her face that quiets them down. I don't think it's the look on your face, hon. I think it's your face.
Be skerd.
Our story begins with Dina starting her normal day just like a normal person. A jury duty summons? How NORMAL! She tells her assistant Alexis to find a way out of it, because "I have to work". LOL. Tell the judge I can't make it because I rented out one of my kids that day and I need to be there for the drop. He'll totally understand.
After the normality, she gets on with her real morning routine: pouring through tabloids and cutting out pictures of her wobbly ass twenty one going on forty six year old daughter, Lindsay. Lindsay will not be appearing in this show because McVana wants to "protect her". Instead, she will be represented by this little bear.
Lindsay B.
I hope that McVana puts all those cut out pics of the real Lindsay falling down and wastedly making out with girls into a giant scrap book to show her grandkids one day. For now, though, she's using them as evidence of a twisted, celebrity obsessed media that will ruin her child if she doesn't put a stop to them! Her youngest kid, Cody, comes in the kitchen to ask his mom why she's always looking at the papers. She stumbles around without a good answer, so Alexis answers for her. "Because it's interesting!" The day Lindsay's picture isn't in one of these "trashy" rags is the day McVana's head explodes, kid. Did you just move in or something?
Dina finally gets out the real reason she reads the papers. So she can get the ammunition she needs to sue the publishers. After all, I Know Who Killed Me didn't do anything to help get the mortgage caught up. Today's story is all about Lindsay's most recent intervention, which really pisses McVana off because it's truth blocks any possible income for her. Sorry, no "Linsay Lohan Anally Probed By Gay Director" this morning, Dina. You might wanna flip over to the Help Wanted section.
She says that if they start this crap with Ali, there's gonna be war! How would anyone even know who that lifeless lump of clay and sticks was if you hadn't made her sign a Ford Modeling Agency contract on her way out of your womb? She's pissed about an article suggesting that Ali has had a nose job.
Gee, where'd they get that idea?
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Comments (12)
This is another one of those horrible trainwreck shows you just can't look away from. And since there is now a TVGasm recap, well I have to keep watching it, don't I?
Slohan - haha awesome name. I agree, she does not look 14. I think I heard someone in the show say "A Lo" as well.
I think I am looking forward to your next recap more than what happens after 'to be continued'.
1 of 12 | Posted by Krissy | Posted on May 29, 2008 3:54 AM
"After all, a lioness protects her cubs. Otherwise they will get damaged and be less sellable."
LOL Flipit I adore you... thanks for taking one for the team with this disaster!
2 of 12 | Posted by LoLo | Posted on May 29, 2008 5:59 AM
i am just glad that Flipit is in the house. Your recaps of Ali taking a crap now that would be comedy gold and would be worth millions. Maybe you should try to IM the Dina with your idea on how to sell her child.
I heart you Flipit!
3 of 12 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on May 29, 2008 7:06 AM
I don't watch it but the re-cap has me considering set it to TiVo.
Flippin hilarious.
4 of 12 | Posted by Candylicious | Posted on May 29, 2008 9:08 AM
Loved reading the recap. Did anyone understand a word Ali uttered? I'm hoping for subtitles in the future, like they did with the Gotti kids. This girl doesn't in any way look 14. As was mentioned in the recap, she looks 40. I'm confused about the nose job. Did she have surgery after they shot this reality series? Sadly, for Ali, lightning isn't going to strike twice. Lindsay doesn't look anything like Ali and Lindsay's looks are primarily the reason she's a star today. Look at Hillary Duff and her sister.
5 of 12 | Posted by cleoiam | Posted on May 29, 2008 3:34 PM
I really wasn't going to watch this. Or Denise Richards show. But somehow my tv just went there and after watching Denise try to get her pig laid, I couldn't turn away from the LoHo's. My GOD they are just sooo NORMAL! LOL flipit I could smack you for posting that damn song! It was stuck in my head for hours after the show and now its baaaack!!!
I still love you though.
6 of 12 | Posted by CheriesTake | Posted on May 30, 2008 8:49 AM
Oh man, now I have to watch this. Thanks Flipit.
7 of 12 | Posted by EZ Rider | Posted on May 30, 2008 9:54 AM
Excellent recap, Flipit!!! I didn't watch the show but now I must!
"Slohan" is genius and that girl (if I can even call her that) looks straight up middle-aged!! WTF?! Now I can't wait to actually watch an episode of this trashtastic show!!
8 of 12 | Posted by smolls | Posted on May 30, 2008 10:46 AM
guys thanks so much for reading! i couldn't bring myself to even watch this bs until two days after it aired, but when i finally saw it i knew that it was my destiny. lol
thanks for being here. LOVE
flip
9 of 12 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on May 30, 2008 11:25 PM
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!!!!!!
Not even Flipits snark and considerable talent can make me watch this show. But I will read the recap!
10 of 12 | Posted by talma63 | Posted on May 31, 2008 4:17 PM
I totally agree with you talma63...... nothing can make me watch "The HoHo's", but I will read the recaps.... they are way better than any show!
Love ya Flipit
chooch
11 of 12 | Posted by chooch850 | Posted on June 1, 2008 1:41 PM
Well, have to watch something during the Hills hiatus.
I liked the "lightening doesn't strike twice" comment because it's true. Lindsay was meant to be in show business: the drama, the penchant for drugs and alchohol, the promiscuity, and she happens to be beautiful (well, she was for awhile). Then again, the younger sister could outdo the other one. Argue what u want about Ashlee Simpson but she outsold her sister easily. Of course, there are also people like Solange knowles and haylie duff.
12 of 12 | Posted by Scorpio23 | Posted on June 2, 2008 12:27 PM