This week on Living Lohan, McVana works very very hard and Jeremy gets another hundred thousand hits on his MySpace page.
Nanahan wants to be your friend!
I'm home alone. Call me, tiger! xo NH
We start with Slohan getting her bangs done. She tells us that sure, she was uncomfortable with Jeremy lying to some blog about having a relationship with her sister and sure, it might have looked like Jeremy was just using her to get ahead and replace his giant bee eyed Ross Dress For Less sunglasses with real, boner fide Chanel's, and sure, he has crossed eyes and chicken legs and....wait. Where was I going with that? Oh yeah. Jeremy knows how to work GarageBand, so she's decided to let bygones be bygones and have the Maloof brothers fly his bony ass to Vegas to make her a STAHHHH!!!
Cut to Jeremy shuffling around the halls of the Maloof's Palms Hotel confused and lost. He's sporting his giant sunglasses and a hoodie (in Vegas summer, no less), and wearing an attitude that whipmper-screams ROCK STAR! "Have you seen Slo?" he asks passers by. No, no one has seen Slo, because the Maloof's have heard her first track and relocated her to the end of the world.
Whoever's in studio Z is feeling like a total asshole right now.
Jeremy finally runs into Sue the Vocal Coach, who's at the end of the hall practicing her magic tricks just in case Dina asks her to turn Cody into a famous lesbian rocket scientist. She takes him into the studio to talk to the engineers. Jeremy slouches into a chair (still with those sunglasses on) and rubs his chin to indicate that he's very serious. About something. Sue takes his cue and starts tap dancing. She says he won't believe Slohan's vocal improvements while she's been in Vegas. Calm down, Sue, your checks are still coming. Jeremy asks everyone to put "da emotions ya got fa dis girl" aside. Is she ready for this?
Sue keeps a straight face and nods enthusiastically. YES! "One thing about the Lohans is, they work!" Well, that's a very diplomatic way of putting it, Sue the Vocal Coach. Well played. Jeremy counters that the girl is only fourteen and Sue finally can't hold back her laughter. "She's not fourteen!" LOL. "She's more like 27", which in the entertainment business means 39. I am really starting to like Sue the Vocal Coach. Sue assures Jeremy that Slohan wants this, and there's nothing that's gonna stand in her way. Well, except maybe the segment of the American population with hearing capabilities.
Guitar music blasts and Dina McVana Lohan makes her entrance into the studio. She gives Jeremy a hug and then sits him down and tells him that this is go time and she doesn't wanna see any unprofessionalism. Then, as if apologizing for her harshness, she coos and growls "that's just the mama talk." Ew. Please, someone stop her. She tells us that this isn't about Jeremy's press or his big website (it's a MySpace page for fuck's sake) or his fame or the paparazzi, it's about hitting a home run. Ew x 2. He's very dependable and reliable as a late night AIM chat buddy, but will he be able to kick ass in a real live recording studio? He better be, or she'll sick his lawyers on his ass. In other words, Jeremy, screw this up and a judge will come take your bus pass, your sunglasses, and your stained Old Navy hoodie.
Jeremy and Slo sit down to go over the song he's written, and they both have their own special brand of off key. It hurts to listen to, but it's also kind of awesome because it's so unique. Dina tells us that whenever one of her kids gets a big gig, she does the responsible thing and trusts the producers. She doesn't just leave during Ali's recording sessions because she gets an uncontrollable headache, she leaves because her job is to be there when the checks get signed and cashed. It's also a really good way of blaming other people when things go very, very badly.
I get the whole trusting the producer thing, but trusting a 20 something shifty eyed poseur you met on AIM? Come on, now. She and Assistant Alexis hightail it outta there, leaving Jeremy working hard, er, showing a PA his overwrought Pimp My MySpace TM page website. Nice move, McVana. Jeremy excitedly asks the PA "that's retarded, right?" The PA agrees wholeheartedly.
I think we can all agree that your site is retarded. Moving on.
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Comments (3)
Dearest Flipit:
Every night I get down on my knees and unzip some stranger's pants and wrap my li- oh, wait, I mean, I get down on my knees and give thanks to the All-Star Deity Team of Buddha, Vishnu, Jesus, Allah and Mother Madonna that I don't have to sit down and watch this horrible program because you selflessly do it for us. My TV would be so dented and cracked from all the random objects I would be throwing at it if I had to watch even 7 minutes of the Lohan Clan In Action Land, but you're like the Candyman, cuz you mix it up with love and make the show taste good... and even though iJeremy is a total iDouche and shares my first iName, I think you nailed him (and his pseudo-Stevie Wonder ways) to the wall! Much love and kissy-smooches to you for that, you're making 99.99999958823% of the population feel better about their own lives.
love always,
xoxox
J-Mo :)
1 of 3 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 15, 2008 8:40 AM
OMG! Poor Flippy . . . . I'm so so so sorry you had to endure that, it was painful in it's awesomely recapped edition, so I can just imagine how the real thing went.
I hear a giant sucking sound, and it's Slo's career being consumed by beelzebub! Hopefully this isn't too damned, being so close to J-mo's All-Star Deity Team, I guess it might come out even.
So, you've officially earned your drink back, you sooo deserve ten after this!!!!
Well, at least BB is back, YAY!
2 of 3 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 15, 2008 11:58 AM
Slo's career? This is a career?
Well, in that case, we can look forward to seeing her on I Love Money Season 3.
Thanks for taking the bullet, Flipit. No way I could watch this show.
3 of 3 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 16, 2008 4:21 AM