We start with Mama Dina McVana Lohan being very normal. Do snooty tooty stars pour themselves a glass of milk? No. Normal every day moms do. She has to make sure her bones are strong enough to walk the streets pimping her kids. Slohan's short bus comes to a stop outside the house and Ali comes in without saying hi, going straight to her room and slamming the door. McVana, ever the sensitive mom, comes bounding up the steps after her yelling "Slo? Slo? Slohan? Slo? Slo? Slo? Slo? Slo?" Me thinks she's ignoring you, lady. She lets herself into the bedroom and asks Ali what's wrong. "NOTHIIIING---UH!"

McVana sits on the edge of the bed and gives Slo a nice long talk about expressing your emotions and working out your spiritual muscles as much as your physical ones. Kidding! She shouts about having no reason to be yelled at and then storms out, slamming the door behind her. There should be a Mother of the Year Ball every night.

Dina goes downstairs to get her mind off being dissed and on her very busy self googling "work day". If that spoiler clip hadn't opened the show, my first guess would be that Slo got her first girl time. I'd be worried to get my first period in that house too. Dina would see it as a looming expiration date and start sending Cody to tap class. Ali's school calls and tells McVana that some mean girls were abusing Slohan all day. Dina smiles big. Mean Girls was a Blohan blockbuster! HOLLA! She catches the worried, semi-judgmental look on Assistant Alexis' face and gets back to the conversation at hand. "Were they making fun of her nose? I'm trying to get it fixed tell them to get off our ASSES!!"

She tells the school lady that she is going to keep Ali home for a day or two until they can resolve the Mean Girls' (HOLLA!) situation. I don't know what that's going to do. You can't rebirth and re-raise a child in a couple of days, which means that the girls will still have plenty to make fun of. She's screwed. Dina makes a joke that she's gonna call Tina Fey about writing Mean Girls 2 for Slohan to star in, as if she hasn't been making that call every day since 2004.

Sorry, but she's still too old. Is Nanahan available?

Dina tells us that the family is constantly getting hang up calls and random AIMs and texts that she only returns if they're from 20 year old males. And she'll only date them if they have some ambition. She'll sleep with them if they work ou....wait. Where were we? Oh yeah. The torture of Slohan. Not only do they get the calls and txts, McVana says, when Ali's at school the other kids serenade her with Wineho's "Rehab". She rolls her eyes and then adds "Oh who am I kidding? I love that song!"

Alexis says that sure the kids taunt Slo, but "look where she's going!" Alexis never speaks her disapproval of Dina's rearing aloud, but I took this statement to mean "taunting is the least of it. She's going to an early grave if she continues on this sick path". McVana, of course, takes it as "the nameplate on Scarlett Johansson's dressing room door is about to be changed, f those bitches." I have to admit that I kind of hope Slohan does make it big, if only to buy her mother extensions that match the rest of her hair. I think Lindsay's just written the poor woman off.

These extensions are a symbol of struggle, people!

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Posted in Living Lohan by Flipit at 6:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Last Comment: juddfan on Jun 11, 2008 02:45 PM.