The next morning, Dina McVana Lohan gets a visit from the UPS guy, who immediately asks her to put on some clothes and stop trying to turn him into a tranny tosser. She disappointedly signs for the package, and I'm crossing my fingers that's it's a giant bill from the Maloof's with a note attached saying "No one tricks us and gets away with it, bitch", but the real package is even better. It's a screenplay of McVana's autobiography!
The movie is for Slo, and it's a remake of a 1986 horror movie. She will be reading for the role of Eunice St Clair, and she's a shoo in. Here's the description: "Frightened by his sister's sudden violent changes, Harry seeks solace in the company of a mysterious old lady, named Eunice St. Clair, who lives upstairs." Wow. Someone up there is looking out for her. And us. I will tell you now that I will pay to see that shit on the big screen. And when I say big screen, I mean my big TV screen, cuz you know that's straight to DVD. Anywayyyyyysssss, the audition is for the next day, which freaks Ali out because it's not enough time to prepare. LOL, good one. This coming from the girl who didn't know one single song lyric when she showed up to record in Vegas. Slo deadpans to us "I don't wanna look stupid!" Too late hon, just take the paycheck before your house is foreclosed on. If Blo hasn't called back yet, she's probably not gonna. Someone probably showed her an episode of this show. Act fast!
NANAHAN!!!! I'VE MISSED YA, GIRL!!
This script is fucking retarded. It'll be betta than Harry Potter! Wear those short shorts tomorrow. Nana needs a new pair of shoes for the forty year old leeching off her back home! Go, Kid!
As Nanahan reads the ridonk plot of the film aloud, Dina laughs and snorts. I wonder if this was her reaction when she read I Know Who Killed Me. More likely, it's the first time she's ever known anything beforehand about one of her kid's movies other than the size of the paycheck. Either way, Slo is pouty and sad. Poor thing! It's gonna be really tough to outrun the mean girls at school after they see this piece of crap.
BroHan tries to help her with her script, but man. Slo is really, really, REALLY BAD. I can't even make a joke about it, because it hurts to watch. Can acting be off key? Cuz my window just cracked. It seems that in the new version, Eunice St. Claire is actually the girl who is posessed by the troll. Fortunately for Slo, the character description is just as relatable. "...the family notices the girl's unusual behavior (roaring, biting, tossing people across rooms...) but attributes her behavior to the stress of the move." We all saw what going to Vegas for two weeks did to her fragile little personality. See, hon? You've still got a chance!
This doesn't have anything to do with the show, but in the original movie, the young hero's name was Harry Potter. Damn, JK Rowling ripped off like five different sources for those books. Shameful! I bought and read every one, and I feel justified. Sometimes people steal cars and then take them to a chop shop and come up with even better cars. Being a burglar doesn't mean you have no artistic talent.
Speaking of rip offs, Reese Witherspoon needs to sue this bitch.
Nina decides to do something about the Cody Foster sitch since her boyfriend can't seem to figure it out. She considers makeup, or a shopping trip, but then she finds pictures of girls in bikinis stashed under Cody's bed and realizes that special understanding is needed here. So she does the right thing. She plays basketball with her new lesbian almost in law. It works like a charm, and they become besties. I am so glad. This was gonna keep me up nights. Then Nina goes up to talk to Brohan and I press FF. Sorry but even I have limits. DON'T YOU HAVE SCHOOL OR SOMETHING?
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Comments (12)
Great Recap as always- sadly I've seen both Troll and Troll 2- if anyone out there was a MST3K fan you can watch the 2nd one with the riff from rifftrax.com. I'm not sure if the plot of the first one really warrented a sequel- or a remake. I didn't think the acting could get much worse than the second one but I guess we'll see when the remake comes out.
1 of 12 | Posted by Reiray | Posted on July 29, 2008 9:02 AM
Not going to miss the show but really going to miss your recaps of it so... onward to Season 2! Lindsay brings home her DJ girlfriend when BroHan is home and wacky "Three's Company" highjinks ensue. Actually, I think they're almost playing at a "Soap"-worthy level there. Am I dating myself with the TV references? I'd rather watch the NanaHan spin off anyway.
2 of 12 | Posted by kizarny | Posted on July 29, 2008 9:53 AM
hmm . . . is it possible that Cody is secretly being whored under the guise of whoring Slo, coz he's the only one tolerable . . . and Nanahan of course . . . and Flip, I can't imagine you wont get your wish with this one . . . at least Blo has some talent for acting, I actually liked Freaky Friday . . . but then, I'm a crack head! I'm so glad you're free of this!!!!! Yay!!!! and your doing such a fantastic job with BB and PR so all of you fans here, tune in for great recaps of , well, at least one great show!
and is it me, that ringtone reminds me of, "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
HUGS
3 of 12 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 29, 2008 11:27 AM
Long time reader, first time poster, cause this has to be said:
Who remembers "The Neverending Story" and Atreyu? Well, the kid who played Atreyu (who's now 36 and all grown up) is gonna be in Troll.
Atreyu.....Ali Lohan.
So wrong!
4 of 12 | Posted by LemonSugar | Posted on July 29, 2008 12:27 PM
Noah Hathaway is gonna be in that movie...he played Atreyu in "The Neverending Stroy".
Ali Lohan next to true actors? Oy!
5 of 12 | Posted by LemonSugar | Posted on July 29, 2008 12:28 PM
Haha, I'm such a goober. Told yall I was new to this. Sorry about that double post thing there.
6 of 12 | Posted by LemonSugar | Posted on July 29, 2008 12:30 PM
I scarcely remember the movie, but wasn't the theme song by Kajagoogoo! la la la la la la la la la . . .
7 of 12 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 29, 2008 12:51 PM
Actually Juddfan, it was by the LEAD SINGER of Kajagoogoo, known as "Limahl" and it was called "The Neverending Story" and the song was written by Giorgio Moroder who created many hits for Donna Summer and several other disco artists in the 70's. I own the 12 inch. It has a picture on it. Limahl with blonde tips and black hair underneath. I think Slohan should try that as a look. It would make her easier to hit with rocks if she ran away from me...
love, J-Mo :)
8 of 12 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 29, 2008 2:50 PM
OMG Flipit!
I just had to tell you that Jeremey the producer guy messaged me on myspace because I had Lindsay Lohan in my interests (bc I love reading about her on Perez). He was basically telling me that I might recognize him from Living Lohan and to check out his page. Psssh, I flagged it as spam. What a creeper.
9 of 12 | Posted by Chickadee2586 | Posted on August 1, 2008 8:25 AM
OMG Flipit!
I just had to tell you that Jeremey the producer guy messaged me on myspace because I had Lindsay Lohan in my interests (bc I love reading about her on Perez). He was basically telling me that I might recognize him from Living Lohan and to check out his page. Psssh, I flagged it as spam. What a creeper.
10 of 12 | Posted by Chickadee2586 | Posted on August 1, 2008 8:26 AM
OMG!! Flipit,
did you hear over the weekend the hilarious news about Ali's 'Troll' audition? Apparently the director and the producer she met with both are 'huge presences' in the PORN MOVIE industry, with many 'classics' to their names.
The whole entertainment TV media circus was abuzz with this story, and I was just about peeing my pants from laughter when they were quoting his comments during the audition: "Now make it MORE DELICIOUS"!!! Ha ha ha.
Sadly it is not surprising that Dina would allow her 14-year old to meet with a porn director. She is both that stupid and that calous to have done, knowingly or unknowingly. Her pursuit of publicy and fame both for Ali and herself is sometimes just painfull to watch, but this takes the cake. What a perfect cap to the whole season of this travesty.
I sure will miss it, mostly for missing your recaps.
11 of 12 | Posted by renata | Posted on August 4, 2008 8:56 AM
both of your comments grossed me out. haha. thanks so much for reading you guys. chick did you cancel your myspace? you better make sure he didn't give you a viral std. and i absolutely love that mcvana gave her kid to a porn producer!! LOLOLLL no wonder his sketch was so ridonk. love you guys, thanks for being with me through this weird ass show. xo
12 of 12 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on August 4, 2008 3:36 PM