This week on Living Lohan, Dina finds more opportunities to dance while Slo's locked in a big wooden room in the basement of the Palms.
And then it started to rain frogs.
Last week ended with Zoe the Maloof's Assistant letting Jeremy down easy and then Jeremy storming out cursing and threatening to delete Slohan from his top eight. Then Dina McVana Lohan swooped down to save the day, called the Maloof's and promised to fix it. Well, I don't think that even the producers of this dreck actually watch it, because they seem to have forgotten all of that and tonight we get a brand new ending to last week. In this one, McVana finds out about Jeremy and calls Zoe and then Zoe finds some other guy and...oh who cares? Either way, Slohan looks like she only fired Jeremy because he didn't bring her a corsage and lie to blogs about having a relationship with her. The best part in all this "drama" is the overly stressed look on poor, overworked Assistant Alexis' face.
So I guess Circus Circus is out.
Eman, the brilliant writer producer that came up with Ali's AMAZING (insert beagle howl here) first single, is called back in. He is patient enough to deal with Slo's unprofessionalism and everyone has already seen his MySpace page, so there won't be any time wasted there. And for those of you who don't watch this show and but have found yourself reading this recap due to extreme depression/boredom/hopelessness, it's unfortunately Eman. Not Iman.
No.
Yes.
If it was Iman, this show would probably be awesome.
McVana is psyched to have Eman back, because as she diplomatically puts it, he makes Slo feel good. In other words, between Eman and Jeremy, Eman's the better liar. Slo is all giggly and excited to see the big lug again and can't wait to hear her new song. It starts with a low adult voice going "Hey girl. I love you baby. You a sweet sweet girl." LOLOLLLLL. At first, Slo thinks it's another pretend boyfriend being handed to her on a platter, so she starts shading her nose to make it look thinlicious, but then she figures out that the creepy child molester voice is all Eman's. Oh, you kidder! Slo tries to laugh good heartedly and then goes to the bathroom to cry a little.
Dina, never one to slack, gets to work...ing out at the gym. Last time we saw her exercising, it was with a hottish, greasy, possibly slutty trainer looking like he was paying his way through telenovela school. This time, though, she's alone. And do you know how hard it is to be adored and alone in a trendy hotel with fans lurking around everywhere wanting a piece of you? Well, neither does McVana. She does, however, know how hard it is to be well known at a trendy hotel with fame hungry little queens walking around everywhere wanting a piece of her. These bottom feeders don't want your autograph, they want your vcards.
And with that lovely introduction, meet Fame Hungry Little Queen!
OMG you use the elliptical? I use the elliptical!!
Is that a boy or a girl? And does my eye look natural? All these questions are so much hard woooork!
You're Patsy from AbFab, right? You look great girl! So what can you do for me? I'm totally a choreographer. That means I make up dance steps. Wanna see one? Let me put on my heels.
Uh...what are you doing? You're making me uncomfortable. Don't dance.
My brother choreographs for the Chippendales. They're totally artists. Where are you going?
My fame hurts. I'm gonna go stretch it out. Don't follow me.
I'll come! I'm gonna be a star so you might as well let me choreograph something for you now. Please? I'll lick your...teehee I can't even say it come ooooon I'm really awesome I swear! Make me as famous as you, Patsy!
Nope, my vagina doesn't want your card, either. Thanks, though! Good luck to ya!
Wait a second. You don't talk all Englishy and funnily! You're not Patsy!
Alright! My vagina took your card, now scram, Mary!
Joan Rivers! You wascal!
Back in the studio, Eman has his mouth firmly locked on Sloahn's cornhole. Metaphorically. Have some class. He tells her that the sounds of lobsters being boiled alive are invigorating and her album is gonna be a smash. She talks about how horrible it is in her headphones, but she's kicking her legs up (literally) and giggling while she says it.
I smell. Like ripe talent!
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Comments (4)
Wow. The depths of this woman's hard-edged skullduggery know no bounds. I have no idea if "skullduggery" is the right word or not, but it's ten times more interesting than McVana could ever hope to be.
And you're right, having an album produced by Iman would be awesome... especially if she smoked cigars and wore those yellow contacts and could shape-change like she did in Star Trek... that way if Slohan got out of line Iman could change in to something really scary (a giant version of Blohan's vahjine?) and scream at her and she'd maybe take studio time seriously (you know, like the thousands of starving hopefuls out there who have to give back-alley BJs to the entire studio staff in order to garner even an hour of it, while the Magloofs hand it out to idiots like Slohan like bottled water).
Maybe in the last episode there'll be a happy ending and Lesbian Cody will find out he's adopted?
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. I'm impressed by your knowledge of dance terms... something tells me that you know your way around a sugar-step, kick-ball-change better than you've let on!
1 of 4 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 22, 2008 8:11 AM
Wow...this is truly one of the best recaps I've read on TVgasm. Seriously.
I mean, the recap is so good, I find myself forced to watch this episode, just to see if it can possibly be nearly as awesome as you make it seem to be.
So if the Lohans end up getting picked up a for another season, it's all on you, Flipit!
2 of 4 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 22, 2008 8:56 AM
Didn't I read that she actually lost her record deal--scandal!!!! How the world will suffer without the warble of another Lohan! (there's still Nanahan!)
TG it's just one more week, and is it me, but doing a reality show is supposed to make people like you more, right? or is it like the saying, any publicity is good . . . beats me, but I say we drown the unsufferable little brat in the toilet--ok, just kidding, but really, some spoiled little brat who's not even motivated is not what I see the tweens lining up to hear . . . no matter how many shaman they call in!
But you, dear flip, we've heard you warble and it's as if the heaven's opened and the angel Gabriel softly lilted a sweet tune!
HEART!
3 of 4 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 22, 2008 12:22 PM
OMG, this recap was soooo good that I lost total control of all my bodily functions. It's gonna be a bitch to explain it to my husband.
This woman is the most negligent, self-absorbed, asshole, best-mother-of-the-year I've ever heard of. I mean Slo could have already been raped by like 3 different men and this whore would've been nowhere to be found! She really thinks viewers are as slow as her dumb as daughter if she expects us not to see through this little show set up as a vehicle to launch her daughter's career when in reality she's the fame whore who I assume wants to be "discovered" at 50 or whatever age she is. (We may have to lop of a leg and count the rings at this point since I suspect she's long detroyed and record of her birth)
Then there's Slo. Jeez! Forget for a minute that she looks 37 years old and that she has no talent. Her shitty-ass personality has her convinced that fame and money is OWED to her somehow. I can imagine her whiney voice asking mommy, "Whyyyyy aren't I famous yeeeet? Linsday was famous by now? You said it wouldn't be this haaaaahhhd. I'm tiiiiired."
Obnoxious brat.
4 of 4 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on July 23, 2008 8:39 PM