Meanwhile, McVana is up in her suite freshening up and checking to see if Jeremy's on AIM. He's not, so she coughs up the card Fame Hungry Little Queen gave her jayjay. Turns out he wasn't lying about having a ton of brothers and sisters with a dance company, and a couple of the brothers are totally doable, so she rethinks her annoyance with Fame Hungry and picks up the phone. He'll be cheap and he's the only choreographer who's attacked her this week so she isn't flush with choices. I feel kinda bad for Slo. McVana could at least pretend to take this seriously.
You'll do. Bring me some cookies and the brother.
At her meeting with Fame Hungry, McVana's true motive for calling him becomes evident pretty quickly. Slo's screeching, Little Cody Foster is off being mothered by Alexis, and McVana's got a camera man all to herself. Why waste him on a night of staying in and trying to get past page ten of "A New Earth"? It's momma's time to shine!
Hold your hats and hallelujah!
Mama's gonna show it to ya!
I don't know how box steps or shuffles off to Buffalo are gonna help Slo, but it's good to see McVana take a little time away from being the perfect Mom (cough, ten minute water break) and invest it in her "I was a stah once" bs. When McVana ends their second level jazz class number with the splits, Fame Hungry covers his mouth and asks "Are you ok?" LOL. She pulls herself off the floor as Fame Hungry falls all over himself and claps and giggles wildly. Jeremy out Fame Hungry in. Either way there's a hand job involved.
After being back on the stage, where no stage mother belongs, McVana comes back up to the suite and gushes about Fame Hungry to Slo. She doesn't mention that he's accosted her on the elliptical and was hired because he made her feel like a fake Rockette again, and instead concentrates on his "amazing personality". This is her subtle way of letting Slo know that she's not gonna be able to make this one her boyfriend.
But if he plays his cards right and the rest of you kids don't prove sellable, he might be your new sister.
Little Cody Foster is there too (while Assistant Alexis gambles her face off and hits on dealers, hopefully), and he notes his mom's excitement and wonders how he could make her happier than she already is.
Sorry, but you only make a nickel a week in allowance, kid, you can't afford us.
He goes to ask the Maloof's for a Benjamin and spends the money making flyers that say "LINDSAY LOHAN'S MOM MAKING AN ASS OF HERSELF PUBLICLY AT TEN. FREE!" and plastering them all over the hotel. Wow, what a smart kid! He made this show, which only exists to promote Slo, to somehow promote his mom, too! If there are flyers, she has to perform! What ever will she do?
McVana takes Slo down to rehearse with Fame Hungry in the theater, and look! It's a bunch of old ladies from the nickel slots! What are they doing here? I don't know what these people were told, but about fifty of them are in the theater all hyped up and acting like animals.
Who pissed off the descamisados?
Dina talks about how mortified she is that her little lesbian would do this to her, and then she rips off her overcoat to reveal a skin colored unitard covered in sequins as Fame Hungry puts a huge feather and fruit headpiece on her head. Cody, in a Rat Pack fedora, nods at his mom and mouths not to fuck up or she's not getting a nickel of the door. Fame Hungry joins her onstage and they dance. If one of her kids ever gets married, she's definitely got the mother of the bride dance down. She puts an ankle behind her ear and does the splits again, and wow. I don't really know what to say after watching it except that I can kinda understand why the parents in Footloose wanted to keep dancing illegal.
Birthing Stahs: The Musical
The audience looks very confused as they wander back to the nickel slots to graze for discarded coins in the patterned carpet, and Dina scolds Cody Foster and then hands him a fifty.
A show hasn't been this sickly entertaining since Roy got his neck torn off.
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Comments (4)
Wow. The depths of this woman's hard-edged skullduggery know no bounds. I have no idea if "skullduggery" is the right word or not, but it's ten times more interesting than McVana could ever hope to be.
And you're right, having an album produced by Iman would be awesome... especially if she smoked cigars and wore those yellow contacts and could shape-change like she did in Star Trek... that way if Slohan got out of line Iman could change in to something really scary (a giant version of Blohan's vahjine?) and scream at her and she'd maybe take studio time seriously (you know, like the thousands of starving hopefuls out there who have to give back-alley BJs to the entire studio staff in order to garner even an hour of it, while the Magloofs hand it out to idiots like Slohan like bottled water).
Maybe in the last episode there'll be a happy ending and Lesbian Cody will find out he's adopted?
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. I'm impressed by your knowledge of dance terms... something tells me that you know your way around a sugar-step, kick-ball-change better than you've let on!
1 of 4 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 22, 2008 8:11 AM
Wow...this is truly one of the best recaps I've read on TVgasm. Seriously.
I mean, the recap is so good, I find myself forced to watch this episode, just to see if it can possibly be nearly as awesome as you make it seem to be.
So if the Lohans end up getting picked up a for another season, it's all on you, Flipit!
2 of 4 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 22, 2008 8:56 AM
Didn't I read that she actually lost her record deal--scandal!!!! How the world will suffer without the warble of another Lohan! (there's still Nanahan!)
TG it's just one more week, and is it me, but doing a reality show is supposed to make people like you more, right? or is it like the saying, any publicity is good . . . beats me, but I say we drown the unsufferable little brat in the toilet--ok, just kidding, but really, some spoiled little brat who's not even motivated is not what I see the tweens lining up to hear . . . no matter how many shaman they call in!
But you, dear flip, we've heard you warble and it's as if the heaven's opened and the angel Gabriel softly lilted a sweet tune!
HEART!
3 of 4 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 22, 2008 12:22 PM
OMG, this recap was soooo good that I lost total control of all my bodily functions. It's gonna be a bitch to explain it to my husband.
This woman is the most negligent, self-absorbed, asshole, best-mother-of-the-year I've ever heard of. I mean Slo could have already been raped by like 3 different men and this whore would've been nowhere to be found! She really thinks viewers are as slow as her dumb as daughter if she expects us not to see through this little show set up as a vehicle to launch her daughter's career when in reality she's the fame whore who I assume wants to be "discovered" at 50 or whatever age she is. (We may have to lop of a leg and count the rings at this point since I suspect she's long detroyed and record of her birth)
Then there's Slo. Jeez! Forget for a minute that she looks 37 years old and that she has no talent. Her shitty-ass personality has her convinced that fame and money is OWED to her somehow. I can imagine her whiney voice asking mommy, "Whyyyyy aren't I famous yeeeet? Linsday was famous by now? You said it wouldn't be this haaaaahhhd. I'm tiiiiired."
Obnoxious brat.
4 of 4 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on July 23, 2008 8:39 PM