The next morning, after a shower and a few hormone shots, McVana treks to the end of the world (Studio X) to see what magic tricks they're performing on Slo. The Maloof brothers are there too, and once they listen to Slo's tracks, they know they have a hit on their hands! Or not. Who cares? WE'RE ON TVVVVV!!!!!" Sue the Vocal Coach is there too, and she couldn't be prouder.
I just got a call! I got the Volvo!
There's a big wrap dinner, and everyone gives speeches. The Maloof Brothers pat Slo on the back and then turn to the cameras to tell us about their $6.99 steak dinner before 5. Then Sue the vocal coach drinks until she's purple and giggles at nothing while rocking back and forth.
They get back home to Lowang Island and McVana and Assistant Alexis are back to work. There's a mother daughter photoshoot to attend the mortgage hasn't been paid. Dammit, get Blohan on the phone! Lindsay's changed her number again, so there's a lot of digging to be done. Slo calls the Maloof's to see if they love the album. They don't take her calls. She tells us that she's nervous now that she's done with it all. Too bad, kid. Ya can't unrecord an album. Can you? Wait, seriously can you? Cuz I'll totally chip in.
Big brother Mike comes to visit, and Slo tells him that they're waiting to hear if Universal's gonna pick up her album. She tries to sound as confident as possible, but she's got a noose tied around her bed post just in case.
I want Robin Thicke's label or I'm gonna do it, dammit!
To show us that she's very busy working and being a mom, Dina does what she always does. She takes dishes out of the dishwasher. Not buying it. I wanna see her work a vacuum.
Wait. Where do these go?
Later, Slo can't help herself and calls the Maloof's again. They still don't answer, so she settles for Andrew, their no man. He explains to Slo that now that she's done recording, a whole slew of efx artists and shamans are going to come in and try to form her poo into the Statue of David. She asks if he can call Interscope to see if Robin Thicke might be available for lunch sometime and Andrew hangs up on her.
Slo is anxious for the calls to start coming in, and her agent does call, but not about her album. Some B director saw McVana on TV and wants her to star in his Troll remake. Although Dina can't deny the similarities there...
Scary, ain't it?
She says that she's very busy being a good mother and maybe they'd be interested in Slo? There is silence on the other end, and then the agent starts pitching a Fame remake for Slo. Wow! So many possibilities! I was surprised the agent didn't start reading Backstage ads verbatim to make it sound like he's doing something. Hey, we all gotta earn our paychecks. Next week, McVana tries to talk Slo into becoming a B list actress and we finally put these bitches to bed.
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Comments (4)
Wow. The depths of this woman's hard-edged skullduggery know no bounds. I have no idea if "skullduggery" is the right word or not, but it's ten times more interesting than McVana could ever hope to be.
And you're right, having an album produced by Iman would be awesome... especially if she smoked cigars and wore those yellow contacts and could shape-change like she did in Star Trek... that way if Slohan got out of line Iman could change in to something really scary (a giant version of Blohan's vahjine?) and scream at her and she'd maybe take studio time seriously (you know, like the thousands of starving hopefuls out there who have to give back-alley BJs to the entire studio staff in order to garner even an hour of it, while the Magloofs hand it out to idiots like Slohan like bottled water).
Maybe in the last episode there'll be a happy ending and Lesbian Cody will find out he's adopted?
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. I'm impressed by your knowledge of dance terms... something tells me that you know your way around a sugar-step, kick-ball-change better than you've let on!
1 of 4 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 22, 2008 8:11 AM
Wow...this is truly one of the best recaps I've read on TVgasm. Seriously.
I mean, the recap is so good, I find myself forced to watch this episode, just to see if it can possibly be nearly as awesome as you make it seem to be.
So if the Lohans end up getting picked up a for another season, it's all on you, Flipit!
2 of 4 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 22, 2008 8:56 AM
Didn't I read that she actually lost her record deal--scandal!!!! How the world will suffer without the warble of another Lohan! (there's still Nanahan!)
TG it's just one more week, and is it me, but doing a reality show is supposed to make people like you more, right? or is it like the saying, any publicity is good . . . beats me, but I say we drown the unsufferable little brat in the toilet--ok, just kidding, but really, some spoiled little brat who's not even motivated is not what I see the tweens lining up to hear . . . no matter how many shaman they call in!
But you, dear flip, we've heard you warble and it's as if the heaven's opened and the angel Gabriel softly lilted a sweet tune!
HEART!
3 of 4 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 22, 2008 12:22 PM
OMG, this recap was soooo good that I lost total control of all my bodily functions. It's gonna be a bitch to explain it to my husband.
This woman is the most negligent, self-absorbed, asshole, best-mother-of-the-year I've ever heard of. I mean Slo could have already been raped by like 3 different men and this whore would've been nowhere to be found! She really thinks viewers are as slow as her dumb as daughter if she expects us not to see through this little show set up as a vehicle to launch her daughter's career when in reality she's the fame whore who I assume wants to be "discovered" at 50 or whatever age she is. (We may have to lop of a leg and count the rings at this point since I suspect she's long detroyed and record of her birth)
Then there's Slo. Jeez! Forget for a minute that she looks 37 years old and that she has no talent. Her shitty-ass personality has her convinced that fame and money is OWED to her somehow. I can imagine her whiney voice asking mommy, "Whyyyyy aren't I famous yeeeet? Linsday was famous by now? You said it wouldn't be this haaaaahhhd. I'm tiiiiired."
Obnoxious brat.
4 of 4 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on July 23, 2008 8:39 PM