Testimonials

Slohan screams from the next room. Dina looks like she is gonna kill her. She's being humiliated in front of "reporters"! "REPORTERS!" Slohan needs some Benadryl. Her butt is out of control and she's ruining all the carpets. Dina rolls her eyes and looks at the "reporter", and asks "Where's Alexis?" Uh, she's probably in the city somewhere scraping Blohan off a sidewalk or doing your shopping or spying on the Olsen Twins waiting for her chance to hit them with poison darts so they can figure out the formula of their "essence". How the fuck should the "reporter know? Get off your ass and hand your kid some itch cream before her butt falls off.

When I won my Oscar, newspapers hadn't been invented yet. Wait... WHAT GODDAMIT MOMMIES LIVING HER DREEEAAAAAM!!! Sorry, that little bitch never stops yapping.

The reporter, starting to sense just how difficult it can be being McVana, asks if it's easier to train her dogs or her kids. Dina shurgs and whispers conspiratorially "Let's face it, they all suck." And then all hell breaks loose. The dogs get into a fight, Slohan's butt starts bleeding from dragging it on the floor, everyone's yelling and screaming and.....credits. When we come back after the parade of advertisements from companies desperate enough to buy time during this train wreck (Hooked on Phonics, Alpo, Proactiv), Cody is on webcam with Mike Jr, begging him to come.

And poof. Mike's home! But there's a catch. He's brought home his girlfriend, Nina, who is homely as hell until she puts on makeup and turns into the cutest girl ever. She tells us how she met Mike. They did laundry at the same time and she accidentally took his spooge towel to her dorm room to wash her face. He came rushing in to warn her, but by that time she had already broken out in severe face herpes, so she decided she might as well date him and get some free dinner out of the deal. Awwww! Romance.

Mike has brought Nina home before, but they have only been short visits so he's not sure that she has had the proper taste of what they're really about. In other words, she's still with him and they haven't had a fight about his hideous mother yet so there must be something wrong with her. He hopes to get her marinated in McVana this time to find out if she can really take it. Only when he knows he's found his true love can he get married, move to another country and change his name.

Mike tells us that since his dad was always in and out of prison their lives, he knows how important it is for a little lesbian boy to have a role model, so he comes home from college as much as he can to be with Cody. The phrase "at college" is used about twenty times in five minutes, as if no one in the Lohan family can quite believe that one of theirs is being properly educated. Montage of boy bonding. Teasing Slohan, playing soccer, zzzzzzzzzzwhyisthisshowstillontheair. Somehow, watching her brothers play leads Slohan to today's plotline: "I WANT A DOWAG!" They already have five dogs, but you see, none of them is really hers. How many people are hoping her itchy butt causes her to bleed to death? Raise your hands.

Look inside of yourself for your own dog, grasshopper.

Mike sits with Dina and Nina (how cute) in the kitchen talking about how Cody needs a father figure. It's hard to take Dina's "normal everyday mom" bs on an average day, but it's downright hilarious when she's all done up for her photo shoot. Mike recites his expected "I love my brother and will always be there for him" route, but poor Nina has nothing to say. She can't stop staring at Dina's ratted out hair.

Mike tells us how hard they've had it as a family. What with McVana's time in court...

But seriously, she's dying on the inside.

Lindsay's rough life...

How would you feel if your own mother cut off your hair when you were sleeping and made extensions out of it?

Ali and her unfortunate face...

Nuff said.

And then there's Cody. He has to deal with all this crap and big fat softball playing ladies keep offering to buy him dinner for no reason.

I loved you in Panic Room! Olive Garden later?

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Posted in Living Lohan by Flipit at 6:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)
Last Comment: TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz on Jun 21, 2008 08:42 AM.